Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Thank you for the words Lazzy80. I looked into CoAnon as well. I think I might look for a meeting again and try to attend.
I listen to this woman a lot on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9mAwP4By6g. Her channel is called Put the Shovel Down. Her treatment method is different from the ALANON method, but I don’t know what it is called.
I was listening to one of her videos, and she said the best way to hold your boundaries is not to say them out loud but to execute them. So, I told myself recently that I would not go back to my husband as long as he didn’t get help for his drug use. Please tell me if this is manipulation, I believe it is, but he keeps telling me he misses me and he wants me to come back. Right now, I am staying with my parents.
After a recent, horrendous binge, he said that he had learned his lesson and didn’t want to use it anymore, but he also said he’s going to do what he wants. So, it’s a bit of a contradiction. He doesn’t always use, but when he does, it’s EXCESSIVE. He’s been trying to convince me for a long time that what he is doing is not an addiction, but I can tell now that it is, and he can’t stop it when it’s happening. My therapist says if he doesn’t get help for his addiction, he can’t get better.
We live separately, so I have decided that as long as he is not getting help, I won’t be able to see him. I am devastated. My heart and my body actually hurt sometimes because I am so sad at what is happening.
I am thankful for this community though and to talk with folks here. Makes me feel not so along because I don’t know many other people in my lift going through this.
I am now separated from my husband.
He fled the country during one of his last binges (a few weeks ago), disappeared for a little over a week, and hurt himself badly. I told him he needed recovery before we could get back together. He refused. I told him if he came back without recovery, we would be done. AND… he came back without recovery, doesn’t want it, and doesn’t think there is a problem.
I absolutely lost it in anger, though ALANON says detach with love. I detached with rage, and I’m still so furious. My logical mind says, “how dare he not take our marriage seriously, how dare he not take me seriously, after everything I’ve done. But, the addict’s mind can’t love me the way I want or need.
I am so angry that this is what it has come down to. I am beyond furious. I lost myself in the past 3 years of trying to get him to quit. I am now just trying to do simple things for myself, like get dressed, eat, sleep. I am so depressed, sad, and angry. I give up. The addiction won and took my husband with it.
I feel everyone’s pain here, and I am sorry that everyone is experiencing this. I know everyone is primarily from the UK here. I am from the US. Hello from across the pond.
What I feel is happening to my husband when he uses is (and I think this is true for all who use cocaine, after reading everyone’s stories), is that cocaine addicts (especially after a binge):
Become very narcissistic
Don’t respect boundaries
In most cases don’t take responsibility
Don’t feel bad and don’t apologize
Don’t care about the feelings of others
Find a way to manipulate until you feel like you are the one who did something wrong
Currently, my husband is in full denial about his drug use. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong. He doesn’t want to stop using. He doesn’t want help in recovery, he said wants his freedom to go out from time to time (I call horse shit). And now, his parents have fallen for his BS manipulation and are not going to try to help him.
After an extremely bad binge a few weeks ago, he fled the country and tried to jump off a bridge. He hurt himself badly, which hurts my heart. While he was binging, he stopped talking/texting/calling me. Left his job and everything behind. He was missing for about a week. I was an absolute nervous wreck, and I spent nights walking around his neighborhood shouting his name. I eventually went to the police to file a missing persons report. Homeland security finally tracked him down and located him outside of the country. He went back to where he was from. And thank god, because he is now with his family.
To say the least, the past 3 years have been a nightmare and this time I said he needs to get help because he wants it or I’m out. Well, he doesn’t want it. So I have to break my own heart and move on. I’m so fucking angry. The man I married wouldn’t have done this to me. The addict I have now, well this is what he chooses. I’m so tired of the disrespect. I want peace in my life.
Few observations I want to point out:
I am noticing, that there is also a consensus (based on everyone’s posts) that everyone loves their partners a lot. As do I. But this is so confusing to me. How can people be hurt over and over again with this, and still deeply love their partners? Is there something that is happening to us psychologically that makes us stay tied to them? This might sound wild, but could it be similar to Stockholm syndrome, where the captive or abused person develops positive feelings toward their captors or abusers?
Is it safe to say, that there is something about this cocaine addiction cycle that makes us feel like we are in love with them more? Is it because we feel like we are losing them quite often and we always want what we can’t have? I am scratching my head trying to figure out why and how I still love my husband this much, after everything he has done, lying, infidelity, using in front of me, and not caring about quitting. Trust is completely broken yet, I still feel strong emotions of love. It doesn’t make logical sense.
Love is not logic, but I see a common thread.
Wish me luck, I need strength to get out of this.
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>I am sorry for everyone who is going through this madness. My husband and I are currently separated. Our cocaine journey started 3 years ago, in January of 2021 (and I call it ours because it’s torn up both of us). In January of 2024, my husband decided to go on a binge in our apartment. Previous to this, he usually would hide his drug use from me. </span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>December 2023, he spent every Friday or Saturday night (sometimes both nights), all night long, in the living room by himself, talking with friends, or at least that’s what he said he was doing. He would drink an entire bottle of whiskey (750 mill – a large bottle) until 6, 8, to 10 am in the morning, and still be wide awake.</span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>These weekends, I remember waking up at 5 or 6 am in the morning to realize he was not in bed with me. Feeling worried, crushed, angry, and disappointed, I would make my way out into the living room and yell at him. I didn’t want to yell; it was out of pure frustration. I knew in my heart something was wrong. His actions made no sense, and I was so uncomfortable. I would then try to engage to see what was the matter. I’d ask, “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Please talk to me.” But he would always say, nothing is wrong, it was his weekend and he was relaxing. In my opinion, these are the actions of someone who is not happy. It’s not normal. However, according to him, nothing was wrong. He was fine. He just liked staying up all night talking to his friends; it was a way for him to relax. He thought my actions were ridiculous and controlling; he used to say, “Who wakes up at 5 am and starts yelling?”</span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>After an all-nighter of drinking, he would sleep all day, or he would be awake and still be kind of drunk. Maybe I’m a control freak, but that also made me uncomfortable. I knew his hangovers must have been disastrous. I didn’t know how he was out of bed sometimes. I kept saying to myself, “Okay, so I guess I’ll have a lot of time on Saturday and Sunday to do the things that I want because he will be in bed all day. Fuck it!”</span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>So, this binge in January of 2024, this time, it was all out in front of my face, and it seemed like he didn’t care. He spent two days drinking basically any alcohol that he could get his hands on and using, being incoherent, staying up all night, and doing drugs off our kitchen table, playing his music. While this was happening, I left our place because I didn’t feel safe. I stayed at a hotel on Saturday night, and it was soul-crushing. To be this betrayed by the person that was supposed to love you. </span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>A day and a half into the binge, after having left and returned to our apartment several times to see if this hell was still happening, I found his phone. Side note: To this day, I have never checked his phone in our marriage. But on this day, because I am an idiot and I have a hard time seeing drug use, I took his phone. I wanted confirmation that he was using. I wanted to see the text to/from a dealer. What I got was way worse. </span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”> </span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>I took his phone; he did not know that I took it because he was so incoherent. I found over 8,000 texts from and to another woman that were explicit and descriptive that an affair occurred. It was not just an emotional affair; it was a physical one as well, that lasted for 3 months. Some of the stuff that was said in the text was unreal, and to this day, it’s still hard for me to believe. I never thought the man I married was capable of cheating on me. </span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>There were also multiple days after his binge in January that he remained really messed up, and I don’t really know if he was using or not or if it was the ramifications of all the toxic shit he put in his body. He was acting really strange. His manipulation and gaslighting were just pouring out of him and were directed towards me. It was really hard to deal with. </span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>About seven days after his binge, I left home and went to my mother’s house. I stayed there for 3 weeks. I came back home with my mother about two weeks ago now. She has stayed with me. It’s been the worst month of my life. </span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>He also said the cheating was my fault because I wasn’t meeting his needs and doing things for him in bed that he needed. </span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>Current Day – March 1, 2024</span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>Almost 45 days after this nightmare started, he told me today that he doesn’t need recovery. He said, “that’s like going for surgery when you don’t need it.” He also said that I made him, miserable, homeless, and desperate and that he wants to leave the country to go back home. He also said, You have every right to be angry and mad about this, I love you. I wanted you to trust me again. I also don’t want to feel miserable being treated this insensitively because I did something wrong here and there.” </span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>And it is so upsetting that I have to be the one to push him away, and have him constantly come back and say, please don’t, I love you and want to be with you. </span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>He said that I need to loosen up, be more social, and socialize more with friends. We need to go out more. </span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>I’m so angry and upset. </span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>I’ve cried for the past 45 days. I still cry off and on. I wake up with the worst anxiety and, for the past week, get sick. My stomach hurts so bad. I go through a vast array of emotions on a daily basis. </span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>I know now that I can’t go back into that situation after removing myself from it. </span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>This is so fucked up. I found something today that said, “Maybe once you are better, we could try again.”</span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>What a nightmare. </span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>This January was my tipping point. This has been going on for 3 years on and off. Every time it happens, it’s a blow to the stomach, so disappointing because you want them to do better and get themselves better.</span></p>
<p style=”background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; vertical-align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; scroll-behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: Roboto; color: #183264;”>What would you do if you were in my shoes?</span></p>Thank you for your response. We are no longer living together. It hurts so much, and I am such a mixed bag of emotions. This was the man I loved. I miss him, but I also feel upset that he is no longer the man I can go to because of what he has done and how much disrespect he has shown me.
He keeps coming back, telling me he loves me and wants to be together. I am working up my strength to tell him it’s over and within time, sign for divorce. This has been one of the most painful experiences of my life.
I am sorry for everyone who is going through this madness.
My husband and I are currently separated. Our cocaine journey started 3 years ago, in January of 2021 (and I call it ours because it’s torn up both of us). In January of 2024, my husband decided to go on a binge in our apartment. Previous to this, he usually would hide his drug use from me.December 2023, he spent every Friday or Saturday night (sometimes both nights), all night long, in the living room by himself, talking with friends, or at least that’s what he said he was doing. He would drink an entire bottle of whiskey (750 mill – a large bottle) until 6, 8, to 10 am in the morning, and still be wide awake.
These weekends, I remember waking up at 5 or 6 am in the morning to realize he was not in bed with me. Feeling worried, crushed, angry, and disappointed, I would make my way out into the living room and yell at him. I didn’t want to yell; it was out of pure frustration. I knew in my heart something was wrong. His actions made no sense, and I was so uncomfortable. I would then try to engage to see what was the matter. I’d ask, “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Please talk to me.” But he would always say, nothing is wrong, it was his weekend and he was relaxing. In my opinion, these are the actions of someone who is not happy. It’s not normal. However, according to him, nothing was wrong. He was fine. He just liked staying up all night talking to his friends; it was a way for him to relax. He thought my actions were ridiculous and controlling; he used to say, “Who wakes up at 5 am and starts yelling?”
After an all-nighter of drinking, he would sleep all day, or he would be awake and still be kind of drunk. Maybe I’m a control freak, but that also made me uncomfortable. I knew his hangovers must have been disastrous. I didn’t know how he was out of bed sometimes. I kept saying to myself, “Okay, so I guess I’ll have a lot of time on Saturday and Sunday to do the things that I want because he will be in bed all day. F*** it!”
So, this binge in January of 2024, this time, it was all out in front of my face, and it seemed like he didn’t care. He spent two days drinking basically any alcohol that he could get his hands on and using, being incoherent, staying up all night, and doing drugs off our kitchen table, playing his music. While this was happening, I left our place because I didn’t feel safe. I stayed at a hotel on Saturday night, and it was soul-crushing. To be this betrayed by the person that was supposed to love you.
A day and a half into the binge, after having left and returned to our apartment several times to see if this hell was still happening, I found his phone. Side note: To this day, I have never checked his phone in our marriage. But on this day, because I am an idiot and I have a hard time seeing drug use, I took his phone. I wanted confirmation that he was using. I wanted to see the text to/from a dealer. What I got was way worse.
I took his phone; he did not know that I took it because he was so incoherent. I found over 8,000 texts from and to another woman that were explicit and descriptive that an affair occurred. It was not just an emotional affair; it was a physical one as well, that lasted for 3 months. Some of the stuff that was said in the text was unreal, and to this day, it’s still hard for me to believe. I never thought the man I married was capable of cheating on me.
There were also multiple days after his binge in January that he remained really messed up, and I don’t really know if he was using or not or if it was the ramifications of all the toxic shit he put in his body. He was acting really strange. His manipulation and gaslighting were just pouring out of him and were directed towards me. It was really hard to deal with.
About seven days after his binge, I left home and went to my mother’s house. I stayed there for 3 weeks. I came back home with my mother about two weeks ago now. She has stayed with me. It’s been the worst month of my life.
He also said the cheating was my fault because I wasn’t meeting his needs and doing things for him in bed that he needed.
Current Day – March 1, 2024
Almost 45 days after this nightmare started, he told me today that he doesn’t need recovery. He said, “that’s like going for surgery when you don’t need it.” He also said that I made him, miserable, homeless, and desperate and that he wants to leave the country to go back home. He also said, You have every right to be angry and mad about this, I love you. I wanted you to trust me again. I also don’t want to feel miserable being treated this insensitively because I did something wrong here and there.”
And it is so upsetting that I have to be the one to push him away, and have him constantly come back and say, please don’t, I love you and want to be with you.
He said that I need to loosen up, be more social, and socialize more with friends. We need to go out more.
I’m so angry and upset.
I’ve cried for the past 45 days. I still cry off and on. I wake up with the worst anxiety and, for the past week, get sick. My stomach hurts so bad. I go through a vast array of emotions on a daily basis.
I know now that I can’t go back into that situation after removing myself from it.
This is so f**ked up. I found something today that said, “Maybe once you are better, we could try again.”
What a nightmare.
This January was my tipping point. This has been going on for 3 years on and off. Every time it happens, it’s a blow to the stomach, so disappointing because you want them to do better and get themselves better.
What would you do if you were in my shoes?