[figuringitout]

Hello , my partner is a long term heroin addict ( pretty high functioning – works etc ) is in recovery – but relapsed past 10 days.and I have 3 children. Two of them are in their 20’s.

The anxiety is really tough to deal with, I have experienced the anxiety you feel and I think it’s because when we live with this,  it is dealing with a threatening , scary situation . It probably also taps into what you have experienced all your life with your dad . Someone who when ( relatively) sober can be fantastic. Kind, loving funny considerate etc, but when the drug taking tips over they are erratic, moody, abusive, detached.  To be honest – when my partner relapses and he lies about it , I ask him to leave the house. He will usually accuse me of being crazy , awful etc. I stand my ground, he goes – often gets back on track and comes back better. I know your situation is different . But I realised I couldn’t cope with the levels of anxiety that are triggered when my partner uses, they are also connected to past experiences and behaviors . It will have a terrible , detrimental effect on you . You need to figure out what you can cope with and then when it goes over that mark be clear on what you need to look after yourself . Don’t engage in arguments – just be clear “ you need to leave because you’ve been using and I don’t want to be around you “ I often say – “ you are free to do whatever you want – but I don’t want to be around it “. If you suspect he is high,  you don’t have to do anything about it- you have no control over it. It is very likely he will use and lie to you. You cannot save him. The best thing you can do is look after yourself, figure out what you can cope with, don’t blame yourself if that means when it makes you too anxious to cope with, you ask him to leave. It’s really important to have a network of very good friends or/ and family who you can speak openly to about your dad and who will listen without judgment

my heart goes out to you because as a mother I would not want my children to do what you are doing . I respect your choice and realise that you must love him very much

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