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I think forums like this are a great place to vent your frustrations to people who know exactly what you are going through and to discover that there are many others in the same (what feels like sinking) boat.
From the medical side of things your go should be able to prescribe medication to counteract withdrawal symptoms and combat craving so your husband could actually stop drinking now if he wanted to. It has to be him that chooses to do it though so it’s perhaps something you could suggest or print the info on and give to him to read for himself.
My husband is also an alcoholic and we have both had a tough time recently with losing a baby, this stirred up some dark emotions in him and led to a very unpleasant drunken argument. Our relationship hit an all time low which seemed to give him the nudge to acknowledge the drink problem and seek help. We both have appointments tomorrow with different councillors, his is to assess his alcoholism and mine is for support, it will help me put things in to perspective and to find out what I can best do to support him going forwards but most importantly to set the appropriate boundaries for his behaviour. I am still undecided as to whether I even want to be with him but following such an emotional roller coaster that I’ve had this last 6 weeks I don’t think it’s wise to make any hasty decisions. You may benefit from picking up the phone to one of these helplines as well. I phoned the drinkaware one found on their website and they put me in touch with the local one. Just having the support makes you feel more empowered and talking it through with someone that is completely impartial really helps. The trouble with telling friends and family is that they tend to throw their opinions in the mix rather than just listen. I hope things work out for you and your husband but do remember that you are not responsible for him but the alcoholism is a disease so he isn’t drinking just to hurt you, he is drinking in order to function as normally as possible x

[flo]

No you don’t have to put up with that behaviour, no it’s not your fault and yes you need to put yourself first. I think it’s best to have a really open discussion about where this life is leading you and where you want it to be. You have a choice and the choices you make will have consequences but being dragged down by your partners issues isn’t fair and unless he is prepared to acknowledge a problem and address it by seeking help then there really isn’t much you can do to help. Unfortunately there isn’t a magic wand you can wave to just fix a person but you can choose whether you spend any more energy trying to fix them or focus on yourself. It’s not selfish to want to be happy even if that means sacrificing a relationship. I wish it was simple and that I could take my own advice but my husband has acknowledged his alcoholism and wants to get help but I have told him I haven’t made any decisions about staying with him or not and will not be rushed to do so, so we are in limbo at the moment. You do have a choice, a relationship shouldn’t feel like a prison sentence and you shouldn’t feel guilty about putting yourself and your children first x

[flo]

Mrsp, you poor thing, it’s just so hard. I find reading about the drug in question gives you something to arm yourself with. I believe Crack cocaine actually permanently changes your brain chemistry and the way that serotonin (the happy chemical) is produced or utilised. This means that someone who has been on crack can not feel happiness “naturally” for the rest of their lives and often end up needing antidepressants to be able to cope. Research has probably moved on a lot since I was reading about it. My family member managed to kick the habit with the help of counselling several years ago but she was driven to succeed as she found out she was pregnant, the child is in primary school now and is on Ritalin for ADHD, something that seems to be linked to the exposure to crack cocaine whilst in the womb. The ex-user is a wonderful person and fantastic mother but she has to live with the fact that her child has suffered due to her habit. Your partner needs to make the decision to stop on his own and must know there are consequences to the choices he makes. Tell him his drug addiction is making him miserable and remember you have a choice in this, you do not have to spend your life worrying about him. Crack is a psychological addiction like nicotine, it is as, if not more addictive than heroine but has no physical withdrawal symptoms so he won’t need any medication to actually come off it, just incredible will power. I hope things improve for you and remember to put yourself first, you are no good to anyone if you let this break you x

[flo]

Hi Laura, it’s so hard to see someone you are close to become a different person through alcohol abuse. All I can say is the anger you are feeling is completely normal and I felt the same way with my mum. I think you will get a lot of comfort from reading about alcoholism and accepting it as a disease and something your mum cannot help. Sadly it is often only when alcoholics or addicts hit rock bottom that they decide to change but they have to do it for themselves. My mum lost her battle to alcoholism 10 years ago and I have recently lost my first pregnancy half way through, all I have wanted the last few weeks is my mum to be here for me and part of me regrets spending so much time arguing with her over her drinking when she was here. Your baby will become your number one priority over everything else in your little world and you will get a taste of the crippling love your mum feels for you, try not to blame her for her drinking or accuse her of doing it on purpose but maybe discuss with her how important it is for your son/daughter to have a grandma. You are not responsible for your mother or her drinking so you perhaps need to focus on yourself and the baby for a while and be there to offer your mum support when you are feeling up to it x

[flo]

Hi Koch, I completely understand where you are coming from, I have recognised for a while now that my husbands drinking is a massive strain on our marriage, he is very unpredictable when he drinks and is either very loving or a complete monster. There have been a few occasions where this monster has come out (including Monday this week) and the damage to the love I have for him seems irreparable. I still love him and care about him deeply but am “sitting on the fence” I can’t decide whether to stay or go. He has been working away this week and following our bust up he has recognised he has an alcohol abuse problem and even been in touch with a helpline. I myself called a helpline I found on drinkaware.co.uk and they put me in touch with my local counselling service, I have an appointment with them in a couple of weeks, I know it will feel great to get it all out. Even just taking the step to explain to someone on the phone has made me feel stronger in myself, they are not there to judge or tell you what to do but one thing that really hit home was that they said to me “it’s not just about the choices your husband makes, the choices YOU make will also have consequences” this has empowered me to take a huge step back and evaluate the situation. I have have been completely upfront with him, I have told him that although I love him I am undecided as to whether I want to be with him but that I do want to support and help him regardless of our relationship. We have had a couple of rocky months with one thing and another and I have had my share of coping with addicts but it’s different in every case and you have to do what is right for you and your son. If you feel threatened or are concerned over your or your sons safety there is help out there and accommodation available. Don’t suffer in silence and know that you are not responsible for your partners drinking or behaviour, it’s not acceptable and frankly life is just too damn short to be miserable. Hoping things improve for you x

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