[franticmum]

Hi Susie, good to see your post, I still think about you n Fiona every day, I hope things are a little easier for you,
I came on here tonight as things are really bad at the moment and need to offload where I know I wont be judged
Where to begin? When I last wrote on here I had just recieved the news I knew was going to come my son had been rushed into hospital after collapsing, he was in ICU fighting for his life, it turned out that he had a really bad infection in his groin from injecting so often into the same area and this infection had gone through his bloodstream and caused an abcesss in one of his heart valves also some of the infection had gone to his brain, he was treated with iv antibiotics for 6 weeks then the scan showed that the abcess was still there he also had a stroke affecting his speech and mobility,it was decided that he would be transferred to the major cardiac hospital and a week ago had open heart surgery to replace the valve, this last week has seemed like a year, in the 8 hour operation he had to be revived 4 times and then in intensive care his heart stopped again, I truly thought he would not pull through, his body although he is only 35 is like a 70 year old, yesterday he was finally moved from icu into high dependency unit, the really sad thing about all this is his life is truly changed he will need specialist nursing for a long time if not forever, I feel like the drugs have won they have took my son …
I feel so so angry at the world in which we live and dont know how to get through this, Im sure I will in time but im so tired I feel like im drowning and havent the energy to swim anymore. I lay in bed not sleeping and wonder what next will be thrown at me,
I know where my son is but its no comfort, im sorry if ive rambled but its so good just to let my thoughts flow, I will check in again soon to see how everyone is doing
I’ll say night and god bless to all and will pray for everyone out there suffering the shockwaves of addiction
And special cyber hugs to Susie and Fiona
Sue Xx

[franticmum]

Hi Susie hope you re well, thank you for yor kind words and continued support. I ve not been on here for a while had a really bad summer health wise and am slowly beginning to recover, Im not sure what life will throw at me next, I keep getting up only to be knocked down again.
Anyway enough of the self pity it doesnt help at all,
At the moment i seem to be torn by wondering where my son is and how he is coping to feeling glad that at least i am spared all the violence and lies and all that comes with his addiction. My life is a lot more stable now but still i cant forget about him, every meal i sit down to eat i wonder if he has enough food etc,
I feel there is no happy ending in sight, its a no win situation, even if he suddenly appeared i dont think i will ever be able to trust him again,
Ive been thinking a lot over the past few days, reliving the past (not wise I know) from him being 17 to about 26 he lived a drug fueled life stealing, shoplifting, burglaries, resulting in prison, then he started on the first of many rehabs, up to him being 32 it was a right roller coaster of relapses rehab stealing, lies etc etc etc, suddenly he then did a complete turn around set himself up in a lovely little flat accepted help from professionals and slowly the son I had lost began to shine through, and just when I let my guard down and started trusting him wham did it kick off big time the worse by far, and now at almost 35 he is gone again, i really dont know if ive got the strength for it all any more, and honestly i resent him and all that he has done to all my family.
Sorry ive rambled again, im just pouring my thoughts down, i feel so sad because his life could have been so much better his two brothers have achieved so much in spite of the turmoil of their teenage years and its made us all so much closer as a family but there is one member missing and we all feel it, every celebration etc hes like the “elephant ” in the room
Anyway my dear enough of me now how are you doing? I hope things are still good have you heard anything from Fiona? I often think of you both.
Im off to try to get some sleep now just looked at the clock and its nearly half one, sending you huge squishy cyber hugs hunni take care and keep strong
Love and hugs
Sue xxx

[franticmum]

Hi Susie and Fiona sorry for worrying you both, ive not been on for a while cos nothing much has changed and I feel unable to offer support at the moment. Life is very dark and has been for a few months now, not seen or heard anything from my son, he was seen leaving his flat with a large bag in july and when my other son asked around he was told he was living with a woman who was also an addict. I have prayed many times for a rest from all the lies anger and violence but I still worry about how he is, I feel like im sitting on a ticking time bomb, just waiting for the big bang that is sure to come. Im so fed up with living this way but am at a total loss how to stop. Anyway enough about me how are you two lovely ladies hope you are managing to find some peace, its so lovely to know you both care enough to worry about me even though we are strangers it really has touched my heart, there is some good in this horrid world, I will try to visit the site more often if only to keep in touch with you both, take care and keep strong ladies
sending bundles of love and cyber hugs
love Sue Xxxxx

[franticmum]

Thank you Susie for your wise words, it was a dark day yesterday, all I could think about was it could have been my lads funeral, he has had so many health scares this past year or so all drug related, I cant describe the pain of walking away from him, I know I have to do this and what happens next is entirely up to him, and what of the future will I ever trust him again? I fear not too much has happened over too many years to not just me but all our family,
In my heart I know I will never truly abandon him he is my son, I just hate with a passion what he has done to himself and us……
we will keep strong together Susie love
take care
love Sue Xx

[franticmum]

hi love,
you have just mirrored my story, Ive had 18 yrs of living this nightmare, some not as bad as others but I can honestly say that through this time even when he had been through detox I have not had total peace of mind, at the moment its sheer hell but like you both I have had enough, my son knows we will be there for him if gives up the drugs but refuse to be part of the life he has chosen, I cant stress enough that our sons have CHOICES !!!! although its hearbreaking thats the sad truth and theres not a thing we can do to change that, Sorry to seem so negative, but there is no easy solution, you must do what you feel is right for you,
take care of yourself love and keep strong
love Sue Xxx

[franticmum]

hi love I totally agree with my good friend above, we have both been where you are many times, I too have looked back wondering where I went wrong, the truth is as I have come to realise I did nothing to cause my sons actions, I have 3 sons who all had a stable loving family growing up, my husband and I have been married now for over 37 yrs, neither of us have ever smoked let alone tried drugs, I am very proud to say that 2 of my sons are now married with children of their own ( this is my main lifesaver what keeps me going) sadly my other son from leaving school drifted from job to job he started smoking cannabis then moved on to harder drugs I wont go into details as Ive already posted most of them on here over the last year, I will say that since finding this site although the s**t is still happening I find comfort in being able to connect with people going through the same, and I have a very good counsellor who I am able to call upon when times are really tough, I also have now stopped enabling my son and he knows that handouts are not available any more from any of the family, he at the moment is truly on his own, he knows where we are if he decides to give that way of life up, its very hard and my heart pounds every time the phone rings but what he does now is his choice and I will not be any part of it, I hope I’m not sounding too hard because truly thats not the case its just that for nearly 18 yrs now I have tried everything to help him, please access all the professional help you are offered because just maybe they will be able to help, as I have found out you cannot live someones life for them he has to do it himself,
I hope I have helped in some small way, I too am a rambler, taking care of yourself is the most important thing for you to do, you deserve a life too,
take care hunny, keep strong
love n cyber hugs
Sue Xxx

[franticmum]

Oh ladies how much more have we got to suffer?
I have no words to help tonight, I attended the funeral of a friends son today he too was a heroin addict who died as a result of many years of drug use, and do you know what a small part of my was wishing it was my sons funeral, how awful is that? there is no reaching him, he is using to the point of being sensless, where he is getting the money from i dread to think, Im at a total loss as to what the next step is, I turned my back and walked away from him today, I had to for my own sanity,
And now im crying in the middle of the night, I never in a million years thought that being a mom would be so hard,
take care you two lovely ladies, Im so glad I stumbled upon this site its been a lifesaver for me, just sharing with people who really understand and dont judge is a huge help.
night night keep strong you two
love Sue Xxxx

[franticmum]

Thank you Susie for your kind words, theres no easy solution is there love, im so sorry that your son has ended up in prison, on a positive note you know where he is and if he is serious about turning his life around this is his big chance, im just so scared at the moment and worried that he will give up altogether but know that if he does its his choice, one day at a time is all I can do at the moment, take care Susie love with each others help we will get through the dark times xxxx

[franticmum]

shakespear go away and bother some other site, the people on here are intelligent enough not to fall for your stupid posts

[franticmum]

hi Susie love, hope you are well, tryin my hardest to keep strong, its a lot easier to give advice to others but following that advice is much harder, Ive not caved in yet and I think its beginning to sink into my sons drug addled brain that I mean every word I say, im not the soft touch that I used to be I hope so cos its breaking my heart but I know its the only way forward, I refuse to let it rule my life anymore, its up to him now he knows the rules I will support him if and when he is ready to give up the drugs, but until then he is on his own, that means no hand outs, no paying overdue bills etc, I have stressed to family and close friends not to help him, I feel so mean but this is the only way he might come to understand that his behaviour is unacceptable to us all, Im not looking for miracles just cant go on as before , its all about choices and its my choice to slam and lock the door on drugs just as its his to destroy his life, Ive rambled again, writing it down helps, take care hunny sending those hugs back to you,
love Sue Xxxxx

[franticmum]

hello Fiona, ive been just the same, visited many times but have nothing positive to say right now, not seen or heard from my lad for nearly 2 weeks, my life is like groundhog day same old excuses and promises, feel like im treading water and just about managing to keep going but its so hard as im sure it is for you, ive read new posts but dont feel I can offer any useful advice at the moment, I cant see a happy ending to my nightmare, not felt this down for a while, im back seeing my counsellor to try to make some sort of sense of it all so heres hoping I can get my mojo back, I seem to have misplaced it 🙁
I hope and pray that you are as ok as you can be at the moment, take care hunny
love and great big cyber hugs
Sue Xxxx

[franticmum]

concerned mum, thank you for your comments, my son too has threatened suicide many times and has ended up in hospital for taking more of his prescribed pills than he should, its hard cos as a mum your first instinct is to try to help your children, I vowed after the last time I wouldnt go running to the hospital and told him that, its good to write it all down warts n all on here, im just sorry and so sad that there are many other families suffering like me,
take care ladies try to keep strong although I know at times it is so hard to do so
love n big cyber hugs
Sue Xxx

[franticmum]

hi Susie, on a real downer at the moment, my heads all over the place, I honestly thought that I would get at least a couple of weeks peace while he was in hospital but sadly was not to be, hes got my 76 yr old mum scared to be on her own in her own house, sadly my dad passed away a few years ago, so my brother is staying with her for the time being, I would love to say that my son wouldn’t carry out his threats but at the moment who knows what hes capable of.
I feel like a hamster on a wheel running like mad but not getting any where, I wonder when and how this is going to end, its 18 yrs next month since we first realised he was taking drugs, so is it now the time to face up to the fact that he will not change? I cannot live like this any more, im beyond mad at the moment just dont know what to do 🙁

[franticmum]

try not to be so hard on yourself, you are his mum, as an addict sadly your son knows just which buttons to press, you have always been there for him so he knows you care, there is no easy solution, but while you are enabling him nothing will change, believe me I know, Ive had over 17 years of this and have only just begun to take a step back, I refuse to be part of his drug filled world any more, its so hard as everything inside me is screaming to be by his side, but I cant cope with the letdowns any more, my only real advise I could say is try to follow your head and gut instinct not your heart, look after yourself put your needs before his for a change, and most of all keep strong try not to show him how vulnerable you are, keep in touch love, sending big cyber hugs love Sue Xxx

[franticmum]

good on you Susie love, If just one of them takes notice of your words it will be worthwhile, the trouble is that youngsters think they are invincible and sadly by the time reality kicks in they are addicted, take care hunny keep strong, love Sue Xxxxx

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