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Hi Sam,
I’m so sorry it took a long time for me to reply, its been a busy weekend with the little one and spent most of the time outside.
Anyway it sound like your other half is super controlling. Do you have a chance to stand up for yourself at all? i remember when it was really had with my ex and he always used to say that i was cheating on him and we would sometimes think that i had someone hiding in the flat! Ridiculous! Do you still want to be in this relationship? can you see a future with him at all? and has be always had an addiction from the moment you met him?
I always found the intimate part of our relationship really hard when i had my little one. I went through a really difficult birth (who doesn’t, right?!) and after that he was almost like “well that’s out of the way, when can i start again?!” and i was really sore, i had a emergency c-section and the scar after had got infected and i was felling really rubbish, with him just going back onto drugs and throwing out his demands for me. It went on for 2 years when i finally said enough is enough. I didn’t even enjoy the intimate times, i just felt like it was a job that needed to be done and it should never feel like that. I hate the fact that it was fun at one point of our relationship and i was remissness about those times, but i was 18 then and had no responsibility, i’m 28 now and have a child. It was time for me to stop dreaming about what it used to be like and what it could be like and starting looking at what it is like now. What needs to change. I know one of the things i definitely wasn’t doing was looking after myself.
How are things now? Are you OK?
xxx
No he didn’t. He was going through my draws and all my makeup, and it was under the bed! He was like a man possessed, its heartbreaking to see what the drug does to him.
So i didn’t have a go at his mate when i saw him, as my ex said if i did he wouldn’t fix my boss’s car. I’ve recently started that job and my boss is so nice to me (my boss got me a car!) so he was holding me to ransom there. So i just ended up starting him out in the car full of rage.
My ex is the same, he hasn’t had the best upbringing and his brother died at aged 7 when he was just 10 years old and he found it very difficult to get over it. i have tried to get him to talk about it to me and to professionals but he would rather bury it. He was offered counselling when his brother died but he didn’t go to it, instead he was back at school a week later. i do think that it is all connected somehow, but i also think that cocaine is very psychological and habitual. there is very much a pattern to his use and he does use me and his family as an excuse to use in my eyes. i know that might sound harsh but i just cant explain it. he would be really happy and we would be chatting one minute then he would go and get a gram and say “well we are doing shit so i thought why not?!” i just don’t understand the way he thinks, its so twisted.
Your dog sound exactly like what my parents have, although he does have a good temperament he is a pain in the arse. My parents adopted him for one of my sisters friends as she was struggling to look after him and she lived in London and didn’t have a garden, so my parents took him on and then realised what a pain in the arse he is, his name is Zebedee! He constantly has to take meds because he has bad skin and constantly has ear infections and he has anxiety and separation issues. he barks constantly at closed doors and barks from the moment he goes in the back garden to the moment he comes back into the house. (he likes to bark at the patio) my dad loves him i seriously don’t know why, i think its because hes a good walker! but my mum hates the dog! we have tried everything with him, behaviour classes, different collars, sprays, nothing works with him. We have another dog as well her name is Betty and she is so lovely, but is now really ill 🙁 shes about 7 and think she has some form of bladder cancer but my parents won’t get her operated as she is old and slow now, they are just going to make her comfortable.
It was lovely this weekend, i sat in the garden all day and had a few gin and tonics, was so nice. it was about 60 degrees on the weekend. I brought a paddling pool for my son and then looked at the whether for next weekend and its rain!! Brilliant!!
xxx
So we both went on the walk today and spoke about it. I said that if he didn’t do coke then our life would be completely different. i basically said that over the 9 days that he didn’t do it we got on really well and he agreed that it was much nicer for all of us. But i gave him an ultimatum, its either me and our son or drugs. Well tonight has proved what has won for me.
(this might sound a bit confusing so stay with me on this one!)
When we got home i said that we can still get a pizza and watch a film, to try and go back to normal even though i was still angry at him, negativity will do no good. Then one of his mates called and asked if he could get his dealer to get a gram in for him, as he does “good stuff” and his wife doesn’t let him do it as she is a social worker and his mate has a bad heart. I was shouting in the background as his mate knows our situation and knows that my ex is an addict and that if he was a real mate he would help him. But never the less he still went and the drugs dropped off anyway, his dealer then done a deal for him 2 grams for £70 therefore my ex gains from this deal as his mate gave him £50 for it and he get a gram for less than half price (i hate the fact that i know all of this-i’ve been around it too long now). i will be meeting his mate tomorrow as he has some car parts for my boss that my ex is fitting to my boss’s car tomorrow as my ex is a mechanic by trade and his mate is still a mechanic and can get parts at cost price for him. I have no idea what im going to say to his mate tomorrow, i really want to rip into him but at the same time there is that old saying “no point arguing with stupid” i just feel that i will get nowhere with it. What do you think i should do?
So My ex done one line in front of me which broke my heart. i hate it. but then i said to him i have no idea why you are even doing it and what is the point and i have no idea what he is getting out of it. He is only causing more pain. He ended up giving me the gram and his mates gram too. So i’m going to flush them. F$*K them!! Stupid A*seholes! it just makes me so angry.
I’m so glad that your other half hasn’t done it in a week, that really good news. How often would he use? My Ex used to do it everyday at one point when it was at its absolute worse. Oh god the pacing would drive me absolutely nuts! but i at least he is now taking it seriously.
My parents are missing my little boy like mad. i have been walking their dogs for them as they aren’t allowed out and they have been waving to him from their front door while we stand in the driveway. They can’t wait to have him over again and play with him. That will last all of 10 minutes as my little one is a bit of a handful.
My mum hasn’t been tested but we are pretty sure she has had it, she coming over the worst of it now. Yes it is very pretty, its a little village and there is a bridge i like to walk over that reminds me of my late uncle. he meant a lot to me but he passed away when i was 10. It always makes me happy thinking that i’m doing the same walk as he used to do everyday, it hasn’t changed much.
His hair is what does it for me! lol I love it! After life is a must, so good.
My ex is now in the bedroom trying to find it……..
I Spoke too soon…..He has just come out of the bedroom with eyes like bin lids and very restless. He has been doing cocaine when i thought he was sleeping off a night shift. I feel so stupid to think things would change. There is a reason as to why i now call him my Ex. I’m so angry with myself 🙁
He said he was sorry that he done it and that he was disappointing with himself, but I’ve heard to all before
Going to go out for a walk now to think about things xx
Hi,
I can understand where you are coming from. I still live with my ex pending the sale of our flat and we have a 2 year old son together. He has been an addict for 16 years and i have been with him for 10 of those years. I found out he done Cocaine 6 months into our relationship and he was the first boyfriend i had. It didn’t bother me too much to begin with as it was more recreational and doing it on a night out. But when we moved in together he would do it on week days and by himself, that’s when i knew that it was an addiction. or maybe he was always like that and i never knew. He got into a habit of doing it every other day and even before he would go to work. I though (stupidly) that when i unexpectedly fell pregnant and i decided to keep it that things would change, but it only seemed to get worse. i have been trying to get him help for 4 years through groups, counselling and even couples counselling but nothing has worked. My ex would always accuse me of cheating and even hiding someone in our flat! he goes so paranoid that he will look out of the window for hours and not talk to me, its so horrifying to see, i have no idea what he is thinking.
I have tried to take away the bank cards and get control of our bank accounts but that hasn’t worked at all he is controlling so therefore we are currently in £5000+ debt with all of our utilities bills and mortgage. I feel hopeless.
Hope you are ok! xx
Hi Sam,
Hope you are ok!
I haven’t told my ex (still living together pending sales of our flat) that i’m on here either. Every time he walks in i have to close the screen or open up a spreadsheet and pretend i’m doing my work. He hates me talking to my family about my problems. To be honest i cant even be that honest with my family about what he has done to me. On here is the only place where i have been completely honest about everything.
How are things at the moment? Is it bad or good?
Look after yourself xx
Oh i don’t think that a movie deal would be there but its nice to write everything all down!
I have been walking my parents dogs everyday as my mum has had symptoms of COVID-19 and they cant go out at all, its so good to get out, i live close to the river so i walk down there everyday! The belly dancing sounds like fun!
How are things with your daughter now? are they getting better? I hope so!
How is school going?
It’s now been 9 days since my ex has been clean and things have been so harmonious in this household. Although he has been going to work a lot, He is a key worker and works in a food factory so he has been doing a lot of overtime and night shifts so hes been sleeping during the day while i have been trying to do a little work and looking after the little one. it just shows what our life could be like without the drugs and its so nice, it does make me think am i making the right choice on separating with him? i mean we have even planned a nice night in with a takeaway and a film together tonight. I guess i will just have to see how it goes over the next month. Maybe this quarantine was the best thing for him.
Yeah the drug dealers have come to the door before but i can hold my own. it is scary, they came to the door one night when i was by myself (the ex was away for the night with friends), i was waiting for a pizza to be delivered and when the buzzer went i just let them in thinking it was the delivery and it was one of his drug dealers. So that was a surprise. And that was the last time i have done that! I know of them and some of my family members are well known in the area for their past (even though they have now turned a corner) so they seem to keep their distance from me which is the only saving grace i guess, i know that me or my son will never be harmed but i cant say the same for the ex.
When i talk to my mum on the phone it always seems to go the the same conversation about him i just get tired of it!
Yes i have been watching Tiger King! it is so good. if you want something different you should watch “After Life” it is so good.Has Ricky Gervais in it and the humour is quite dry if you like that sort of thing, it made me laugh and cry and the same time! You have to love a true crime though! can’t get enough of those!
Speak soon xx
Oh god I bloody wish i was a millionaire! hears hoping! I Think I will do it but I will use a different name and change the names in the blog too. I will let you know when I do it so you can read it if you like.
Wow so you really have been through it all! I’m glad to hear that your partner now doesn’t lay a finger on you. How have you been lately? have things got better or worse?
Strangely things have got better for me, he hasn’t touched drugs since the 24th which is unheard of in this house. however I have heard phone calls and seen texts of drug dealers wanting money which is the norm now. I can only assume that he owes too much money now to put on tic so he can’t get any drugs. Also a lot of drug dealer don’t trust him now as he doesn’t pay them for at least a month. so they usually don’t answer the phone to him. I’m sure its only a matter of time before i get the knock on the door.
I’m sure that he will still have a graduation, all of the exams in England have been postponed until next year which really confuses everyone! One of my friends kids 16 year old going on 17 so he is in whats called 6th form at school. when you go into 6th form you have to sit exams for the 2 years every year that you are there. He has to sit all of his exams in one go next year, its going to be so much pressure for him! its going to be at least 6 exams in total.
she is really good and i love her a lot, i’m so thankful she told me about this website. I wouldn’t have known otherwise. My mum is being the worst at the moment. only since i had a breakdown and told my parents all about him and where all the money was going back in October. She keeps saying things like “oh if he didn’t spend so much on drugs you would have been able to go on at least 2 holidays by now!” i just have to reply with things like “well i haven’t have i?” it just seems completely pointless to me and she is so repetitive about it too. she said that me doing a blog would be tacky. she just reminds me of the mother on Bridget Jones’ Diary. If you haven’t watched the film you need to, or even better read the book, they are both brilliant and made me laugh so much. i told my sister that and i thought she was like the bridget’s mother and she laughed her head off.
I just think that she is being very naive to think that she wont get it. Its an invisible and silent killer. i have seen on the news that there has been 16-30 year olds in my area that have got it! its not just old people. This virus don’t give a flying F$*K what age or race you are! Has she been watching the news? you could show her a video that a man took in the excel centre in London, they have turned it into a massive hospital. its so heartbreaking. Does she actually know what is happening to your country and around the world? i think you need to sit down with her and have a chat about it. if she wants to go out on her head be it, but tell her that she needs to stay in for the sake of her son and that her actions are irresponsible and not tolerable. I have done a timetable for me and my son for everyday of the week with different things to do, like learn about animals, outside play, baking, painting. maybe you daughter needs more structure with the little one. i found it almost soothing for me as i suffer from anxiety. maybe that’s something that you could do together? Do you have a good relationship with your daughter? Maybe ask her why she is going out and what are her reasons for doing it?
I would join you on that island!! x
All i can say to this is that i really wish my Ex was in the same position as what your boyfriend is in now. Its so good that he wants to change. and i would be hurt too if he wouldn’t let me in and see how he is changing and the progress that is he making.
So what is the next step, you just stop talking to him until he is ready to talk to you again? I think from what he has said to you already that he will recall the feelings he has for you, just don’t hang onto his every word, you will only hurt yourself in that process.
Hope you are ok and keeping safe in times like this xx
That’s good, let us know how it all goes! i will be thinking of you over Easter! i think that’s a really good idea. There is nothing worse then going into work and all you do is think about what is happening at home!
Yeah i haven’t left my little one since that happened now even for 5 minutes, i just can’t trust him. I have that horrible feeling in my belly that hes going to do drugs again tonight. Mainly because its payday for him, but we need to pay the mortgage today and i know which one is going to take president!
He leaves things lying around all the time. Whenever i go back into the living room where he has been doing it all night i have to do a quick sweep of the room and hoover before the little one can go in. its horrible that i have to do that.
I keep on wishing away time and hoping that i will just blink and it will be all over, then i feel guilty because that must mean i want to skip the time with my son too. i desperate for all of this to be over and its just me and my little boy together! xx
I know right!! I have written a blog about it all and my story, I didn’t know if I would publish it or if anyone would read it! so I just have it saved on my laptop. My sisters have read it and says that its good but I need to cut in into parts as it is so long!! I was writing about my story, how it all starting and how I am coping with the addiction now and coping being a single parent. If i do end up posting it, I will post it under a different name as still a lot of friends/family friends have no idea what I have been through or what has happened to me. I also feel like they will judge me for it, I live in a small village and word gets around very quickly. I don’t want bloody Janet from 2 doors down asking me how often he does it or “she had an idea that he was a druggy!” F&*K Off Janet!! I can’t stand that! lol. But i do feel that writing about it all has helped me deal with it all.
I wish I could say the same about the hand raising and the intimidation, but unfortunately i have experienced it all. but then again i have retaliated at times as its got too much. The other morning, he drove my company car to go and pick up his sister who is also a cocaine addict as she though that people were following her, when she was in a hotel room alone. He had been drinking all night and got through about 4 grams of coke. he couldn’t even talk he was so paranoid. But i woke up and my car was gone, i was nearly sick as i knew it was him that took it and i was so scared. (He has previously got caught for drink driving when i was pregnant when he was on his way to pick up, he wrote off his car completely and owes the finance company an eye watering amount of money.) i was scared that he would crash the car again as the car wasn’t mine or he would seriously hurt someone and he wasn’t insured. Thankfully he cruised up while i was waiting outside like nothing had happened at 7 am in the morning!! he said it was an emergency, his sister was just paranoid as she had been doing drugs all night too. I did slap him round the face for it as he got out of the car. I’m not proud of doing that whatsoever, I was so angry and the words couldn’t explain how worried for him/other people/ the company car that i couldn’t explain! so writing about it has helped me figure out what i was feeling and how to deal with it the next time something like that will happen and i wont result into violence towards him, i don’t want his addiction to overtake my voice of reason. Safe to say i now sleep with my keys under my pillow, and the spare is locked up in a safe at my parents house.
I’m a little worried about going into another relationship as I have been with him for 10 years and I’ve just turned 28. He is all that I’ve know and I don’t want to even think about another relationship. I was joking with my sisters and said to them that when I am ready, I’m going to try and find the most boring person out there! but then again I just have this feeling that I won’t ever find anyone and I hate that feeling. or that no one will touch me because of what i have been through is so intimidating.
Wow I can’t believe you guys aren’t in quarantine yet! Everywhere is shut apart from the supermarkets and there have been queues to get into them that are 30 minutes long at my local supermarket, they have been doing a 10 people out 10 people in process, its like a nightclub! but it does mean that there are hardly anyone in the aisles while you are walking around. I have seen photos of the superstores in the cities and the crowds of people swarming to them is unbelievable, it just completely defeats the point of social distancing all common sense goes out the window. They are packed up queuing like sardines! The flat i live in has a communal garden and its about 54 degrees here in England at the moment so that is T-shirt and shorts weather for me! i’m going to sit outside with the little one and do some painting. All the people who live in my flat are old so they never go out into the garden anyway, i will be the only one!
Yup cookies were a disaster, i think i might move onto cupcakes next, fingers crossed! Do your children still live with you or have they moved out? when we eventually sell the flat i’m going to be moving back in with the parents! so that will be interesting! My son absolutely adores my dad and calls him Dad-dad as he cant say granddad and sits with him. To be honest it will feel like i’m getting some much needed R&R while i am there! But they have said to be it will only be a year, until i get back on my feet.
That’s really good that you are doing something for yourself! I need to do that too. I was told by my boss the other day that he doesn’t know if he can keep my position open because of Covid -19 there isn’t work for me to do! so i was thinking about when i move back into my parents if i can go back to school and do something like nursing or therapy.
I know i feel the same too, i have no idea that this forum existed until last week when my sister mentioned it to me. I would speak to her about the problems that i would have with my ex and shes a mental health nurse so she obviously has a lot of knowledge about it, but it would become too much and her opinion would sometimes get in the way of the professional help and she said i was best to go onto here and talk about it as she didn’t want it to get in the way of our relationship we have. I’m so happy to hear that you are coping OK, i hope it lasts for you. My ex has been working so he hasn’t touched it for around 2 days so i’m thinking that there is a session around the corner. He got paid today, so i might be on here later when I lock myself in my room again!
There is no hand sanitizer around anywhere, i have been to so many shops and when i get there its all sold out! i had managed to buy hand soap for the first time in 2 weeks the other day! so i’m just having to wash my hands and the little ones constantly.
didn’t sleep much last night, had the little one in with me as i think he had a nightmare! fingers crossed for a good sleep tonight, might even have a quick power nap while the little one is having his afternoon nap! so tired!
Speak soon xx
It is so expensive, I completely understand where you are coming from when you say its either rehab or a funeral, its so heartbreaking. I definitely don’t have the money to put my ex into rehab. I told his dad who wanted to help him and he offered the money to do it. His dad earns less that what my ex does and it just wouldn’t be fair to take money off him. My sister said that it wouldn’t work for him type of addiction and that he could stop for 2-4 weeks that he was there but it is a protected environment and wont help him deal with it while he is back at home. But there have been success stories with rehab.
The groups are free and supported by charities, you will be surprise how many there are around your areas, I thought I was out in the sticks but there are so many to choose from. I don’t know what the alternative is at the moment with everything being closed down.
Its such good news that he has recognised that he wants to get the help and needs it, that’s a really good start, i wish my ex was in the same position! I’ve tried the stopping enabling business with my ex but he is so controlling (we still live together pending the sale of our flat that isn’t going to happen for ages now because of what is going on!) he will just do it in the flat and i cant do anything about it, i cant kick him out because he wont move as he says that the flat is his, but he never put a penny towards the deposit or the fees when buying the flat, it was all me and my parents. But his name is on the mortgage so legally it is his! I have tried to flush the drugs if i see them but he can snatch them back off me and i don’t want him to hurt me. I don’t know what i can really do to stop enabling him?
Hi AJlost,
I was talking to my sister (she is a senior mental health nurse) the other day about rehab and if it was a good idea for my ex to attend who has a cocaine addiction.
I understand that there have been success stories from rehab so not something that should be written off completely but this is just an opinion
My sister said that rehab as has smaller success rate as they are taken out of their own environment and put into somewhere completely different, where they can stop drinking and taking drugs but the chances of relapsing when they get home is much greater as they seem to slip into the same routine, to pick up where they left off. Also it costs a lot of money to put them into rehab.
She was telling me that weekly meetings is a better alternative as they can attend the session in their own town and meet people that are also trying to stop that are close to them for support as they will be going through the same experiences as him and will understand what he is going through. The thing is he will need to want to go to them. I have struggled to get my ex to go to the meetings as he believes he is too good for them! But like she said even if he needs the help hes got to want to get it too. This is the thing that hurts the most, you need to support him as you obviously play a major role in his life and supporting him, but the road to recovering is up to him.
The thing with addiction is there is no algorithm to fixing the problem. Think of it like someone has a broken leg. They go to hospital, have an operation, in a cast for 6 weeks then to be taken off. Problem solved. That’s the algorithm to fixing that broken leg. When it comes into addiction and mental health “there isn’t a one size fit all” making it difficult to figure out what is the best solution to help. This is how my sister explained mental health/addiction to me when i first told her about my ex. and its so true, its just trial and error. Also i understand that all of the meetings have stopped because of Covid-19 which is a really isn’t good!
Do you know of any groups around your area that he could go to once the quarantine is over? Also is your brother taking medication for his mental health on top of the drugs and alcohol he is consuming? I was reading your other post and said that he did go to the doctors, did you go with him or did he just tell you that they were condescending? I’m sorry if i’m being too intrusive and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. Here if you need to talk 🙂 x
Hi,
I did have the reply written out but it didn’t let me reply last night for some reason!
it does sound so heartbreaking, I really hope you are coping ok.
That’s really good that he is clean, and you have been there for him. i just think that he seems to be dealing with it in his own way, and that seems to be a very solo journey for him.
Did you reply to his message? xx
Thank you 🙂 and the same goes with you! I’m Always here on the other end, no matter how far apart we might be!
You can properly understand that this is not even the half of it! There are so many things he has done to me in the past and still doing now. I’ve started writing everything down, just so that I know i’m not going crazy! and so i know what he is doing is wrong, it does help me to deal with it. I do understand we still have to live together. My mum always says to be “all things in the great fullness of time” i just what that time to be now!
I’m having to quarantine now, the ex is still going to work. He works in a factory and they haven’t shut it down. My dad has bad lungs so i need to stay away from him. My mum is a nurse but she got sent home today because she had a high temperature. My mum called me up today to say that she was sorry that she couldn’t see me and that I couldn’t go over to see them, they only live 2 minute walk away! but i completely understand that of course i need to stay away. it just i’m stuck here now having to deal with him and watch everything unfold! What about you? are you Quarantining?
My son is good i’m just running out of things to do with him! i tried to make cookies today but I failed miserably and burnt them all, still ate them though lol. You mentioned that you have kids? I’m guessing they are all grown up now because you mentioned grandchildren? How are things at the home for you now? Are you coping ok?
I don’t know about you but i’m finding it so difficult to sleep at the moment with everything going on top of having to deal with this home life! xxx