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It honestly feels like a rollercoaster of emotions! Yesterday was good but I popped out to return my sisters dog I had been looking after for the week, as they went on holiday. I left the flat on good terms with our son asleep in his room and was gone for 45 minutes. In that time he had already got coke dropped off and made his way through it. I just feel a prisoner in my own home (although we can’t even go out now really) I still can’t even escape when he is doing it. And Feel so guilty for leaving my son with him. Our flat is small and I can’t literally hear him sniff every line! I mean he’s doing it right now, again for the 4th night this week!!
I’m just so scared for my son when we eventually live in separate places that he will not take coke when he’s around. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should legally put something in place or have an agreement that he has to show he’s making the steps to change. It because he uses so much the chances are that he will use when he’s looking after our son. What should I do?
My ex partner (we still live together as we are selling our property after I said I was leaving him) he is in the other room as I’m typing this, using cocaine. While our 2 year old son is asleep. It’s Mother’s Day today and all I have done all day is cry. He denied taking it but his whole face changes and the way he acts changes when he does it, having been together for 10 years I know the signs. I just feel numb now and I’m the same as you, I feel like I’ve cried so much that I have no more left. I also don’t want to wake up my son and for him to see his dad like this. I’ve shut myself in the bedroom. My family doesn’t understand or they become judgemental, he is still the father of my child and I still protect him even though he causes me so much pain. He’s been an addict for 16 years now and only stopped for 6 months at the beginning of our relationship. My ex’s mum knows that he has had an addiction and has turned a blind eye, she has the mentality of what she doesn’t see doesn’t hurt her. I’m sending hugs because I really need one too!
No he hasn’t got the right people around him at all. All of his friends use including his work colleagues. He has lost the friends he had that didn’t use cocaine because he was in such a mess. That’s why I feel a lot of guilt as really I’m the only person he has and now I’ve decided to spilt up with him because of the drug taking.
Because we are still living together he still thinks that we are still in a relationship. But in my head I know that we are not. And the flat is in on the market. He has been really sweet organising mother’s day meal at home for me and then he pulled out a bottle of wine and I’m just thinking to myself I know where tomorrow is heading now. He ruined my first ever mother’s day as a mum by taking drugs all night and I can just see it happening again.
Regarding the step mum, I texted her the night after it all happened saying that I was disappointed that she offered him drugs and she knew full well the situation we was in. She never texted back. Instead she has totally stopped talking to me and to be honest I am really not bothered. She is not instrumental in my life what so ever. It’s sad it’s got this way and I still speak to her daughter who has a child a year younger than mine. He daughter has no idea why we don’t speak. I’m sure her mum has make up some b*llsh*t story to cover it all up. I’ve come to a point where I don’t care if people talk about me, I know the truth.
It sounds to me that your boyfriend needs some space. It’s really difficult when someone tells you that as it can feel like rejection, but it’s not. It’s a good thing that he trying to sort himself out. But don’t live your life thinking, is he going to talk or want to see my this weekend? It will drive you nuts! I found myself living through my partner and not really having a life of my own and pandering to his every need. I guess it’s all that you can think about at the moment right? The thing is we as partners are so desperate to just sort everything out. for it to be all ok. The painful truth of it all is they will get the help when they are ready. What I’ve learnt is that I don’t have a influence of when this will happen. Just be there for that moment. Even though me and my ex aren’t together when that day comes I will do everything I can to support him.
You always have a choice, its just harder to see when you are trying to desperately to keep up appearances. That’s what happened to me.
My Ex partner (we still live together pending the sale of our flat) is addicted to cocaine and will do it every other day. wasting at least £100 every time he does it. We are behind on mortgage payments, water, electric, council tax. Just about everything. its about £6000+ in total. Not including the debts he has outstanding with a number of drug dealers. So i really can relate. i just have to call up all of the providers and say we are in financial difficulty and troubles at home (without actually saying what it is) and put us on plans to repay. I Also have a 2 year old son with him. He will have no issue about doing it in front of him even when the little one is eating breakfast. it breaks my heart, but i cannot enable it anymore. I decided that i did have a choice and i spilt up with him after 10 years of being together. so much happened in those 10 years with his drug addiction i could write a bloody book!
I try and get out of the flat away from the ex and do something fun, although it can be difficult as i don’t have much money and only work part time with 80% of my wages going on the bill to cover what the ex hasn’t paid. so i go on a lot of walks, to the park and try and find deals to go to places wherever i can on, places like groupon.
I have tried to get him help but nothing has worked. i tried actively for 4 year with professional help, separate counsellors, couples counselling, group sessions. He just thinks that he is better than it all.
To be honest i don’t have advise on how to talk to teenagers, my son is only 2 at the moment so haven’t yet reached that stage. but when the time comes for me, i think trying to be honest about the situation without too much story telling on what he has done would be a start. They will have there own opinion on him and the emotional side of the addiction. Researching some facts about cocaine you could ask them what they understand about drugs and what effects they have physically and mentality, the science behind it. Maybe telling them that the drug can sometimes overtake the person that they used to be, its a very delicate situation and you know your children and what they will be able to take in. They might even have a clue or seen snippets of it already so it might be a point of putting the puzzle pieces together.
The main thing is to look after yourself, its so hard to be a mum as it is let alone to mother a partner with a drug addiction. do something today that makes you happy. Have a bath or read a chapter of a book. or even try (and it know this might be pushing it as a mum) a sit in a room to reflect or meditate for 10 minutes. I never thought i would ever be a person to mediate or do yoga, but it took my mind off it for at least 10 minutes, i felt free in those 10 minutes and i didn’t care if i looked silly, i done it for me.
I hope this helps, just know you’re not alone lovely. I will be thinking of you today xxx
It does make you think the worse and then feel guilty after they were doing something so innocent! I have been there too!
That’s such good news that he is 15 days sober, I really hope for his sake and for you that he remains sober. Is there a reason why you haven’t seen him for that long? Is it just a distant thing?
I think its like a secret club of users. Unfortunately his sister, step mum and himself fit into that club. They all do it together at times. His step mum and dad are still together but his dad has no idea that his step mum does it too. Should i tell him or keep well out as its not my business? The worst thing is i think she is taking the piss out of her life, she has had breast cancer for the second time now and has just had a mastectomy, but she has been using throughout her treatment. It makes me so angry that she could do that and that there are people out there suffering with cancer and i fell she just laughing at it. i don’t know i’m going off on one now but i just cant contain all this anger i have towards this drug.
it feels good too, i don’t think i have ever been this honest about everything that has happened to me! xx
But what I think I have realised is that you cant enable it, i allowed him to take it in the family home as I was scared as to where he would end up taking it, that he might be in danger where ever he was. he would steal money from me and not pay bills for months. but the truth is we cannot control them. there has to be a point where you draw a line in the sand and just say no, no matter how hard it may be. There is a difference between wanting help and talking about it, then actually taking into action what they say. Addiction makes people egotistical and manipulative. My ex partner used to say anything to get me off his back.
Stay strong xx
I’m also in the same position. Recently i have taken the step to spilt up with my partner. He is addicted to cocaine and has been doing it since he was 18, he is now turning 31. I have been with him for 10 years. He is also the father of my child.
We are currently living together pending the sale of our flat. My parents said that they would lend me money to try and buy him out and put my dad on the mortgage with me. But like he said to me “if i’m going down, your going down with me” and that’s fine. but what he doesn’t realise that for me and my son its only up from here.
He is still taking drugs around our son and to be honest it has only just got worse. he would come back from a night shift and sniff a line while the little one was eating breakfast. i would just have to get my son dressed and run out of the flat until i knew it was safe to go back in. He took my company car while he was up all night drinking and doing drugs (he must have got through 3 grams that night by himself) and drove it to pick up his sister that is also an addict as she was having a panic attack about people following her. When i found out in the morning that my car was gone i was beside myself, not only was this my car but who else was on the road that he could crash into or hurt? i now go to bed with my car keys and keep the spare at my parents house. He has previously been done for drink driving while i was pregnant and i stayed with him through that. But hes becoming more and more reckless and i know know what to do? He guilt tripping me because he says it because i’m leaving him. But i cant do this anymore and i spend most of my nights crying and not knowing whats going to happen in the future. I’m scared that he will OD or seriously hurt himself. Hes tried to get help but ends up thinking that hes better than anyone else at the meetings. What can i do to make this better until we sell the flat?
I’ve taken the step every recently to spilt up with him. it has been so difficult because i always wanted to perceive to everyone that i had a perfect life and i would cover up his addiction to my family. Although my sister is a senior mental health nurse she knew what was going on. I opened up to her and she was so understanding. she told us exactly what groups to go to and there were so many around where we live. he went to about 3 meetings in total before he thought that he was better than anyone else there. and then my sisters opinions got in the way of what would be professional help and it got all too confusing. i know that all she wanted to do was to protect me, but all i wanted to do was protect him and we would fight with each other about it.
Over time i have given him so many ultimatums. i recently kicked him out last year in October because i found out he was taking drug with his step mum, when we were at a fireworks event at the local pub, and he confessed after. i just thought to myself that there is no getting away from it even his family were allowing him to take drugs knowing that he was an addict. it was heartbreaking.
i took him back in December because i knew deep down that it would be our last Christmas together and i wanted it be one that our son wouldn’t forget, even though he is only 2! but as always the drugs crept back in and it just got worst. he is a shift worker and will do nights. he would come home at 7am and do drugs while the little one was eating his breakfast. he would be so paranoid that someone would come into the flat and would constantly check windows and doors. it was just so painful to see. i would shout at him that if he was going to do it to stay in the bedroom, but he always came out to check if our son was ok as he was paranoid that something has gone wrong with him. My son would get upset and so would i. i would have to get my son dressed and just run out anywhere for the whole day until i knew it was safe to go back in.
my partner always done drugs after a night out, it just went hand in hand for him. He would stay at a friends house and not answer the phone to me after a night out. he would say to me that he was ashamed of what he had done and didn’t want to talk to me.
The best thing would to give him some time to think about what he has done. He will speak to you, but i wouldn’t do it until he wanted to talk to you. Be strong no matter how hard you are tempted to talk to him, call a friend or a family member instead and chat about something else to take your mind off it until he texts or calls. And when he does, and if he does confess about him taking drugs and drinking, just ask him why he done it and what do you think temped him to? was it the people or the situation? and ask him if he wants to stop what does he think is the catalysis to begin with. and if you still want to be together then tell him that, tell him that you want to help him and he has your support. But i wouldn’t drive there. You need to think about yourself at the same time, take this time to write a few things down that could possible help him. xx
Hello,
I thought I would jump onto this chat too! I have recently spilt up with the father of my child after 10 years of being together. he is addicted to cocaine and has done it even since he was 18, he is turning 31 soon. he has been in and out of taking the drug, but in reality it has always been there. i always knew that he done it but until we brought a flat together i realised how bad it was.
I constantly thought that if i carried on with a normal way of life, getting a flat together and starting a family would somehow hit a reset button for him. but it just doesn’t work like that. I didn’t dare tell my family about his addiction as i wanted to keep up appearances that we were a “perfect” family, but all I was doing was mentally torturing myself and not looking after me, my son or my mental health. He would blame me for being so persistent on telling him not to do drugs that pushed him further and further into a black hole and i would just sit there beside myself, i have never felt so alone.
Through this whole time my relationship with him wasn’t working and we would just coexist in each other’s company. At times it would get violent towards each other because of the toxicity of the drugs and the amount he was doing. I was surviving on little money trying to pay off every bill we were in arrears with slowly and getting enough food to feed us and our child. Trying to keep up appearances of bringing up a child and being a good mum. Constantly posting on social media a life that really wasn’t what I was living.
We are still living together pending the sale of our flat that I was so desperately trying to keep hold of. But the reality is, it needs to go. I need a fresh start and somewhere that doesn’t hold the screams and sorrow in the walls. The option to buy him out was not accepted as in his words “if I’m going down, you’re going down with me” and that’s fine. But what he doesn’t realise that now he’s gone, its only up from here.
It has taken me a loooong time to realise what is the most important thing to me. and that’s me and my son. You need to look after yourself even how hard that might seem right now. Try to write down the things that make you happy even if its something small like watching a TV series or having a bath, and try to do at least one thing that day.
I am coming to a end of a chapter, but i am scared as to what lies ahead. I am scared that if he looks after my little boy ever night will he be doing drugs? what would he do if anything happened to our little boy and he was too intoxicated to do anything about it. My son is the only good thing that has come out of our relationship. I feel a lot of guilt for my son. To begin with I resented the fact that me and his dad were so rubbish and it must be having children that ruin a relationship but that’s not the case it was the addiction and the relationship that i was forcing that ruins the partnership. my son is the light at the end of the tunnel. The reason why I changed, and I didn’t even see it.
If he is willing to get help, then let him do exactly that. Support him by asking him about the group and the people he met there. Maybe do something after that both previously made you happy, go for a walk or a drive. I find that going on a road trip helps as you don’t have the intensity of looking at each other and the words just come out. But you need to understand that it doesn’t just stop straight away, there will be bumps and you need to be there to guide him in the right direction. My mistake that i feel i was making was i told him how to feel and what to do instrad of just asking him and listening.
Hello Lola,
I completely understand where you are coming from. The father of my little boy is addicted to cocaine and constantly hides it from me. he has been an addict since he was 18 and is soon to turn 31 (even though we are not in a relationship we still live together pending the sale of our property) There would be times i would pick up his trousers and rolled up notes and straw would tumble out and it would break my heart. I felt like he was the love of my life and he was all i had, but that not true. it took me a long time to figure it out. I’m not saying to spilt with him but you need to also think of yourself. you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. its so hard when people say that and i hated it, but its so true. We went to groups but it only made him worse as he thought that he was better than everyone else there and that he didn’t really have a problem. if your other half wants to go to the groups brilliant! And if it has worked previously then even better. Support him by talking to him about the group and the people he met there. Suggest to do something after the group that made you both happy before like going for a walk or a drive afterwards. there is something about a little road trip and talking in the car that helps as you are not directly looking at each other and can focus on the road ahead and you will soon see the words come out.
I was complicit in taking the drug with him for around the 6 out of 10 years we were together. he introduced me to it and it was fun at first but then it was every other day he was taking it, he would even do a line before work to get himself through the day. i was stuck in a rut and had the feeling of “well if you can’t beat them, join them” and that was the worse advise i could give to myself. Stop while you can and if you can, it wasn’t until i had our baby that it all stopped for me. i focused on the little life inside me and i didn’t want a child to grow up having any difficulties as i would only blame myself forever.
Everyone’s stories and situations are different, but self care and looking after yourself takes a back seat when living with someone with an addiction. Do something for yourself, take a long bath or re connect with a friend. I also found that writing everything down and keeping a journal helped me as i would write to myself and figure out that he has his own journey and so do it. sometimes they just don’t go in the same direction no matter how hard you try.
In my opinion the relationship can only work if he is willing to change. But firstly be that support and be therefore him if he wants to take the step.
I hope this has helped