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Hi Kelly8
It sounds like you are going through hell, I feel like we all live in some kind of purgatory having to pay for something – I just don’t know what!
Maybe see your GP if the sleepless nights and worry are making it hard to function. They could give you time off if you need it.
I would say pretty much most young people – if they have any money – are using some drug or other (and I include alcohol). But not all of them get addicted. What I want to know is why the government are not taking this seriously. And why universities are not clamping down on drug use and not drug testing their students. They have drug policies but what good does that do? young people need help – especially boys. Their brains are not even fully developed for a few more years.
After months of hounding my son, changing antidepressants etc – he has finally arranged an assessment for ADHD. Yesterday we went through a mountain of questions that he had to answer before the assessment. I’m not sure if it changes anything if they find out they have a mental health issue, but at least we know that they maybe trying to mask something with the drugs – maybe they are trying to calm their thoughts and fear and anxiety down.
Maybe take a look on the website Psychiatric UK- they are the organisation the NHS are using – they are private as well as NHS. We were lucky because we fall in an area where we can get it on the NHS. But honestly I would have paid privately.
The website has loads of useful videos regarding drugs and mental health diagnosis adults and children.
I would also like my son to have an assessment for Autism because I can see some behaviors that present in individuals with Autism. It makes sense to me that we have so many boys with addictions and these ‘conditions’ Autism, ADHD etc seem to be more present in boys than girls. The medical profession already know that there is more chance of drug use if a person has a mental health issue i.e bipolar, ocd, autism, adhd – the list goes on.
I think the assessment is done by two video calls. But all the information is on there. The first step is the GP – they give you a questionnaire to fill in and then refer you on if you score highly on the assessment.
Good luck.x
Hi Joanie/everyone
I’m sorry to hear you are still going through it..but it sounds like your son is taking baby steps and slowly getting well. I think you are most likely on your way to burnout with all the stress – and that’s why you are experiencing the palpitations.
It’s very hard when you live with them and can only get a away for a few hours and have to come back to ‘it’ again. It causes a great deal of paranoia and distrust and really makes you physically ill. My son is just 23 and still doing Ket – he’s living with me but I can’t find anything to challenge him with it. I just ‘know’ – I scour his room when he goes out but cant find anything. He just has a constantly bunged up nose. He said he’s damaged his nasal tissue from previous use but I don’t believe a word. He’s destroyed a mothers love, a mothers trust, a mothers bond, in ways he cant even begin to imagine. I go to work and avoid all my friends because I dont want to talk about him – so slowly becoming more isolated.
Februarymarie – I get the capitalistic comment – if he went to university a lot of students are taking the viewpoint that capitalism is at the root of mental ill health and has been for generations. Putting food on the table, paying bills keeping a job down. They all find it stressful especially with cost of living and house prices – so I’m kind of on their side with that. On a final note I work in education and there seems to be an epidemic of boys with ADHD/AUTISM/OCD. It’s quite frightening because they are not going to cope in the real world and this is when the problems start. Uni/partying/drug taking etc.
Love to you all.
I found this little poem from WW2 era (although we are not gone yet!) that encapsulates us little ladies:
The Tired Woman’s Epitaph
Here lies a poor woman who was always tired;
She lived in a house where help was not hired.
Her last words on earth were: “Dear friends, I am going
Where washing ain’t done, nor sweeping, nor sewing:
But everything there is exact to my wishes;
For where they don’t eat there’s no washing of dishes…
Don’t mourn for me now; don’t mourn for me never –
I’m going to do nothing for ever and ever.
I think women have always had it rough…
Stay strong Joanie.
I’ve not been on here for a while. I feel like I’m saying the same thing over and over again.
My son is back home after an argument at New Year – he is waiting for his assessment for ADHD and slowly coming off his antidepressant. I know he is still using Ket but decided I am not going to let it into my life.
I ignore it, strange but true. I’m in denial – mirroring his denial. I believe something will have to change because life does and people do and sometimes God tests us in ways we cant comprehend.
You will be back with your grandchildren and have your life back. Just trust.xx
Hi Lindy Loo
I think your situation is very inspiring – your son is doing well, however like you say I think we are all suffering from PTSD.
I have had to tell my son very clearly that I don’t trust him – it hurts him a lot to hear this and I’m sure it doesnt help with his recovery but his father was an alcoholic so I have PTSD and trust is a massive issue with me. I think it’s only through actions and not words can the trust be regained. And this could take many years.
I just feel sad – constantly sad, not angry not depressed just sad. I used to see happy times ahead – but they have been wiped out.
Watch some of the videos and listen to podcasts from Gabor Mate. He is a specialist in addiction and there is so much stuff on youtube where you can find him and he explains the nature of addiction. Although it doesnt resolve the problem it helps you to come from a different perspective. I think with all of us there is a certain law of attraction – we come from a place of judgement and negativity which perpetuates the cycle and how we see it. Gabor comes from a place of intelligent love and understanding and you may find things that resonate with you.xx
Hi Joanie – I’m starting to realise there is nothing we can do. In our heads they are just our little boys and we are trying to sort out their problems – but in reality they are grown men with mental health issues and we are becoming ill with them. It’s just pure love that keeps us going but unfortunately it’s not love that makes the world go round, but trust. And we have none left, and when the trust is gone the love is cracked and damaged and we just pick up the pieces as we go along.
We can try tough love, soft love etc. But if they don’t have self-love nothing we do is going to work. If you continue to love him he might find that self-love but it’s not guaranteed and you will give as much as you can for as long as you can.
Take care of yourself.xx
Hi Joanie – I’m starting to realise there is nothing we can do. In our heads they are just our little boys and we are trying to sort out their problems – but in reality they are grown men with mental health issues and we are becoming ill with them. It’s just pure love that keeps us going but unfortunately it’s not love that makes the world go round, but trust. And we have none left, and when the trust is gone the love is cracked and damaged and we just pick up the pieces as we go along.
We can try tough love, soft love etc. But if they don’t have self-love nothing we do is going to work. If you continue to love him he might find that self-love but it’s not guaranteed and you will give as much as you can for as long as you can.
Take care of yourself.xx
Thanks Jem, you’re not at all preachy. I have been trying to keep busy most days. Yesterday I saw a friend for lunch and just said he had moved to Birmingham with his girlfriend – but couldn’t tell her the truth of that matter so I left feeling anxious and low.
Tomorrow I am going to a 60th party – so I am trying to be social and keep busy – I also walk most days when the weather permits. It’s just when I’m home it’s really difficult – in my earlier posts I mention the difficulties he/we faced growing up – the death of his father, my breast cancer etc. We’ve always been so close and loving – shared books/went to see films had family holidays and with close family friends. But at xmas seeing him at his cousins wedding off his head on Ket and on Xmas day sat next to his grandmother – the same. I just think when his girlfriend arrived I couldn’t contain it anymore when he screamed at me in the kitchen about food….in front of her. Then telling me the next day that I bring out the worst in him so he has to get away from me because his girlfriend said she had never seen him like that – but I have seen him like that – and so have his best friends. She hardly knows him really – it’s only a year. I’m also convinced she came with KET because she wouldn’t let me pick her up from the station and he was in bed. I think she was meeting his dealer. She’s having therapy for her abusive last relationship, and my son and I think she has undiagnosed aspergers. She spends a lot of time in bed depressed. I don’t think it really helps him because he has to look after her when he needs caring for himself when he’s trying to do his MA and struggling with his mental health/addiction and being away from home. But, I’ve always been kind to her – and she knew he didnt want to live with her yet which she was pretty angry about. But she has him now – and i don’t think it was the best way to start.
I would have loved for them to do it properly – to help them, visit them, meet for lunch anything that normal families do. It just feels like I have just been left with carnage and I don’t know how to pick up the pieces.
Thanks for responding Jem – just a voice from the ether stops me from tipping over the edge.xx
Hi girls – I posted last week about the bust up with my son on New Years Day while his girlfriend – he is still in Birmingham and I havent had a phone for a week due to waiting for the new sim card and replacement mobile.
Last night he finally sent me an email asking me to send his walking shoes ‘if that’s ok’ – I responded politely and asked if they were both ok and ended with ‘love you, mum’
I don’t know how to contain the feelings I’m having, I live alone and all the love I have for him is killing me because I cant give it to him and it really hurts not to be close to him. It hurts that he spoke to me the way he did in front of his girlfriend and called me a ‘terrible mother and to get some therapy’. But despite all that I just want to hug him and see his face and try to make things right somehow. Yet I know the arguments were due to his Ket use and his denial of that so nothing will be right if he comes home if he cant change. So, I have no one to talk to and just sit crying and staring into space. I wish his girlfriend had been more of a friend and seen both sides – but she’s always been cold toward me and very needy with him….so I guessed that wasnt going to happen.
I suppose I’m just asking – how should I behave. Just politely and lovingly and try and get on with work and routine? I never thought it would come to this – we’ve always been so close.x
This is horrific bump – are there no professionals on this forum that can help?
We are in constant gnawing, grieving pain and no one can help us or our children. I don’t understand why addiction isnt treated as an illness. Its so devastating.
I’m so sorry to hear that – I went through the same thing with my partner. Refused to live with him because he was an alcoholic and drug addict. I lived alone with my son and we had a good life but social services came to visit – but don’t worry they found nothing to worry about because my son was thriving and healthy and had no issues. Try to stay calm and say your piece – they will hopefully see and understand that you are a good mother just trying to do your best in a difficult situation.
Make sure your eldest son is not allowed home under any circumstances.
I’m so sorry to hear that – I went through the same thing with my partner. Refused to live with him because he was an alcoholic and drug addict. I lived alone with my son and we had a good life but social services came to visit – but don’t worry they found nothing to worry about because my son was thriving and healthy and had no issues. Try to stay calm and say your piece – they will hopefully see and understand that you are a good mother just trying to do your best in a difficult situation.
Make sure your eldest son is not allowed home under any circumstances.
Bump – that’s horrific. I’m so sorry about what happened to you.
I hope youre son is ok and you are coping the best you can. You can only hope social services step in and help him.
In answer to the gaslighting – yes he is – but he has pretty much told everybody I need therapy while he is using KET. So now that’s the way the story goes, and I have to live with it every day.
I have literally no idea how he lives with his conscience knowing I can see the truth and telling me I need therapy. It’s horrific and damaging me mentally,
Bump – that’s horrific. I’m so sorry about what happened to you.
I hope youre son is ok and you are coping the best you can. You can only hope social services step in and help him.
In answer to the gaslighting – yes he is – but he has pretty much told everybody I need therapy while he is using KET. So now that’s the way the story goes, and I have to live with it every day.
I have literally no idea how he lives with his conscience knowing I can see the truth and telling me I need therapy. It’s horrific and damaging me mentally,
Thanks Joanie – I’m really struggling at the moment. He’s demonised me so much I dont even like myself anymore. His girlfriend just wants him with her, so she constantly puts me down to him – they’ve left now. And weirdly I have lost my phone so he cant contact me, maybe that’s meant to be.
All I hear in my head is “get therapy” or you’re a “terrible mother”. While he is on Ket.
I’m not a saint, just a single parent, a teaching assistant. I dont drink or have different men coming or going – I’m just a quiet person living a normal life – until he started with drugs.
I’ve not slept all night, especially because I dont have my phone but I’m going to leave them to it and just get on with my daily routine.