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Thanks Joanie – I’m really struggling at the moment. He’s demonised me so much I dont even like myself anymore. His girlfriend just wants him with her, so she constantly puts me down to him – they’ve left now. And weirdly I have lost my phone so he cant contact me, maybe that’s meant to be.
All I hear in my head is “get therapy” or you’re a “terrible mother”. While he is on Ket.
I’m not a saint, just a single parent, a teaching assistant. I dont drink or have different men coming or going – I’m just a quiet person living a normal life – until he started with drugs.
I’ve not slept all night, especially because I dont have my phone but I’m going to leave them to it and just get on with my daily routine.
My son came back from Uni on the 18th December “clean for four months” he said.
He came home he was meeting his dealer every day – buying KET. Asking for his savings, bunged up bleary eyed awake all night.
I ignored it because we had a wedding, and a huge xmas lunch booked with extended family.
The day his girlfriend arrived – yesterday – I had found a ket straw in the living room. Again I ignored it, she believes everything he says and things I am an evil terrible mentally ill mother (comes with having an addict as a son, love).
As soon as she walked in the house he started flexing his muscles telling me off for buying them food!! And to stay out of their lives (in my house) I was furious.
I waited until they were ready to leave and then gave her the straw and said “there you go” he’s been relapsing for the last week and you call me a bitch. He screamed at me I’m a liar a terrible mother and need therapy, he then tried to kick the door in. I was terrified. When they left I bolted and locked the door but somehow he managed to kick it in and they went to bed. I left the house this morning, he says I am manipulative, vile, i bring out the worst in him I need therapy. He’s Ieft to move in with his girlfriend before demanding I apologise and go for therapy. Seriously how as my year ended like this. How can his girlfriend be so stupid!! I cant even tell him i love him anymore – has has STOLEN that from me.
Hi – no one has responded to you and I feel really sorry about this. I think you may have PTSD and that is why you feel that alcohol will lead to something more dangerous. I think if you try (and I know it’s hard because my partner died of alcoholism) not to worry when he is drinking – it won’t become an issue. It is basically the law of attraction….I think.
Also, just want to say – there are many people on here with more experience than me who could have responded to your message, but it seems to sometimes be a ‘no mans land’. You reach out for help and no one responds, not sure why that is. Seems pointless having a forum when people are clearly suffering.
I can’t really offer advice on this – but it sounds like a living nightmare and I feel so sorry for you. I am sending love and hugs and praying for you.
Thank you Esta – every day is a test for me. But I am trying to support my son through this.
Gabor Mate has helped me so much in understanding addiction. I truly advise everyone on here to listen to him. You totally understand the perspective of the addict and the pain and suffering they feel – and in some ways it helps you to gain acceptance instead of fighting for them to change.
I no longer feel disappointed in them – I feel sadness for them. This emptiness that they can’t fill.
Like you say – only they can want that.xx
Everything Esta says is true – they actually start lying to themselves, and for me that is the hardest thing to see.
A ‘friend’ of mine reported my partner to social services. We had seperate homes but spent most of our time together (because we had a child) – I refused to sell up and live with him until he got clean.
When social services came to visit they inspected my house, interviewed my partner and myself. Spoke to my child – I think they probably contacted the school. I think the only reason they didnt take further action was because I told them ‘yes’ he’s an alcoholic but I refuse to live with him because I want to protect my child.
I thought a baby would change everything but addiciton is too powerful. Watch the psychiatrist Gabor Mate on youtube and his talks on addiction – they are very powerful and give you an understanding of the addicts mind and where and how this begans. After years of living with an addict and now my son is an addict he has been the only person who has made me look at my own childhood and how this can continue generationally if we are not ‘present’ as mothers. So, for your childs sake you have to find some way out for now – it could take him years to recover but your child deserves to grow up in peace. I waited too long – until he died – and that has seriously damaged me and my son.
I agree with Esta – social services came to visit me when someone reported my partners drug abuse and he wasnt even living with me. So yes, I think there may be a safeguarding issue highlighted if he is using drugs around his child.
I know but he wants to get an assessment for ADHD but needs to be clean. So maybe that’s why he gets a medical and declared clean – I don’t know.
He has given her permission to talk to me but I just dont want to have a conversation in case I get angry with her. He said I could go to the clinic with him and meet her when he gets his assessment. That might be easier for me, I will see how I feel.
I think his addiction is related to friendships and not fitting in – and as you say I never offered him that first line – his friends did.
I’m not going to argue anymore with him – maybe with his girlfriend and once he moves away he can see things more clearly. I’m not perfect but he makes me sound like a witch – god knows what he’s told his friends and partner about me.
I know but he wants to get an assessment for ADHD but needs to be clean. So maybe that’s why he gets a medical and declared clean – I don’t know.
He has given her permission to talk to me but I just dont want to have a conversation in case I get angry with her. He said I could go to the clinic with him and meet her when he gets his assessment. That might be easier for me, I will see how I feel.
I think his addiction is related to friendships and not fitting in – and as you say I never offered him that first line – his friends did.
I’m not going to argue anymore with him – maybe with his girlfriend and once he moves away he can see things more clearly. I’m not perfect but he makes me sound like a witch – god knows what he’s told his friends and partner about me.
If the child is 10yrs old you have a serious safeguarding issue here. I wouldn’t try to talk to her because she will feel very ashamed about this and it will be traumatic for her.
I think your option is to contact social services and you can do this annonymously. They can take steps to contact the school, gp etc. And maybe visit your sister at home before something really serious happens. Good luck and hugs.x
Well I did the same with my son – but he didnt stop. He has been getting therapy from drug and alcohol services but they have never met him- it’s just phone calls. I believe my son is also on the spectrum and would never kick him out. All of this has broken our relationship so he is now moving out because we can barely be in the same room. I think we will take years to heal from this.
I think it is your choice – you could try this and maybe for you it will work. Tough love is very difficult. I worked for a homeless charity and I don’t believe people recover from drug addiction through homelessness – I think therapy is a good idea but it has to be good therapy. And he has to want to change – he is still very young.
Well yesterday he sent me two very long messages a few minutes before I was due to start work. Perfect timing.
The first saying that his therapist was prepared to talk to me and that he would also be getting a legal certificate to say he’s clean. He is definitely not! and hasn’t been and how can she justify that when she’s never even met him. How can all these people believe all this stuff?
The second message was to tell me that I am derisory and manipulating and constantly cause him to relapse – so why is he living here?
Anyway, looks like the penny has dropped and he is going to stay with his girlfriend until he starts his MA. I hope if I am the cause he can really get clean – and then I will start to take a really hard look at myself.
All he did really was lay the blame at my feet and tell me the addiction is a symptom of our relationship. And all I’ve ever done is want the best for him, so I have to give up because it could be years before he matures enough to see what I have had to endure in my childhood/adulthood and as a wife/partner.
I just sent a text telling him I love him and will work on myself too. Otherwise this will constantly escalate into arguments and relapse.
Could I ask you lovely ladies one question – he told me I could ring his therapist and she would be happy to talk to me about the CBT he has been having. I don’t really want to – but what do you think? I’m worried I’ll say all the wrong things and in general I think it’s slightly immoral talking to someones therapist. But I will have to give him a reason…
Thanks for this Februarymarie – I think you are right, it’s the feeling of just not wanting to be here but not suicidal. It’s exhausting getting through the day feeling sorrow and depression.
As for his girlfriend – she must be burying her head in the sand because it’s just easier than confronting him. She wants me to deal with the tough stuff because she’s not strong enough and doesnt really care about me. I’ve thought about her a lot lately and I think she is very jealous of our relationship because we’ve been very close all of his life. When he’s not here he texts me constantly and I think this riles her, so maybe she is glad this situation is affecting our relationship – because she is hoping that eventually he will come to her.
I wish she understood it would be so much better if we worked as a team to support him.
I’m so sorry Sabu – my partner died of alcoholism at the age of 46. He left me and my son aged 5 (he now has his own addictions and I feel like I am going through this again). I don’t know why we are being tested like this – but today I woke up with my body shaking, unable to catch my breath – totally in panic. Every morning is like this and I don’t know how to live with this anxiety for much longer – but I feel we must. Please stay strong and know that none of this is your fault – it sounds like your father has suffered from ‘poverty trauma’ which is a very real thing and you may want to read about this. My father also suffered from this and he was also an immigrant so we were very poor. Sending love and support.x