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Yes about that…. Every so often. Things can be seemingly going perfectly normally then either I will cave in to an opportunity or I might just on a whim decide I deserve a few lines that no one will ever know about. This is obviously the start of a a few days of coke binging that usually ends in me not sleeping and usually getting caught out in the end.
The thoughts of having coke is always there most of the time they’re fleeting thoughts that just go away sometimes they’re a bit stronger and I might dwell on them for longer, maybe have a look at some YouTube videos of people having a good time taking coke/partying. Just reinforcing the feelings that I’m missing out and that’s where the party’s at. Slowly maybe a few days or a week after I might text or call the odd contact that I know might still dabble in it and one thing might lead to another. Worryingly the thought of the pain I’m going to cause never really enters my mind no matter how many times I repeat this cycle. You’d think I would learn but I really am embarrassed and annoyed why and how it seems to recur over and over again.
I appreciate your advice and will look at joining up the CA programme
Thank you for your reply Danman.
I attended 1 CA meeting in Leeds probably 15 years ago. It just wasn’t something I thought would benefit me.
These days I’ve had this relapse now and I probably won’t even go near it now for years. It’s something I can control most of the time. This is what makes understanding the lead up to when I do have a relapse so difficult because it causes so much heartache and destruction for both me and my family.
I am a doting father. I do everything with my kids from cycling through to hiking, we laugh and joke, I’m there for every occasion and every problem they face so ultimately when the inevitable happens it’s such a massive wound for them to understand and such a huge loss for me. My whole world flips from a happy home to them thinking do we leave and find a new home, do we throw him out, shall we call his parents? Who is this guy even? Is he the same father we knew and loved? Massive implications….. all for a few grams of coke. What destruction.
I need to do something because if and when I heal this hurt I’ve caused and start to piece my life back together and build the pieces of trust and honesty back up with my family…., this must never happen again. I desperately need to work out the psychology behind my head on crash from tootling along nicely as a husband and father to raging coke head. This is my last chance. My wife and children really cannot be put through this again.
I don’t know whether to book in with a counsellor or Mental health support worker or drugs clinic. I don’t need rehab I just need a plan for life… if that makes any sense
As someone that has gone through this time and time again I can only describe this as a gradual tightening of a grip to use again. I honestly think my subconscious mind is more clever manipulative and tactfully astute than my conscious mind. This might be difficult to explain and I’m not sure if anyone else can relate to this but when I mention autopilot it literally is putting building blocks in place to complete the road to using again. I wish I could feel the pain and anguish that I feel after the aftermath of using at the beginning….. I would never touch it again.
I still fail to understand the sequence that lead to relapse.
I understand people will see this as being ‘selfish’ but we’re not playing with the same ground rules as anything else. Selfish might be buying yourself a new pair of trainers and not thinking about your partner or your children. I’m the total opposite in that respect, they have everything that I can physically afford materially and I will go without. My wife has a brand new car whilst I drive around in an old banger…. I think that doesn’t make me a selfish person Per se but maybe I’m making these choices and what they need more than ‘things’ is a stable husband and father around that doesn’t give in to the demon coke destroying everything that he’s built since the last relapse.
Groundhog Day that’s how it honestly feels like. I’m scared of the repercussions and feel a total failure
Hey Danman,
This is my first post and I can relate to your situation as I’m going through something similar myself.
I’ve used cocaine on and off for the last 20 years and put my children and wife through hell because of it. I have managed to be clean for years sometimes but I’ve relapsed more times than I can remember and sometimes I can’t even describe the chain of events that lead to it. I would only describe it as autopilot, 1 minute I’m thinking of it and then the next someone’s dropped a bag off and my whole being is pulsating knowing it’s going to be a slippery slope from here but the thought of having it is so much stronger than the all the damage that will ultimately ensue. It sounds silly but post relapse I’m absolutely bereft with regret, guilt, upset and thinking how the hell did I get here again. This happens again and again, sometimes 2 years apart. I have adult girls and a boy who is 14. My eldest daughter is distant and without doubt I’ve contributed to her poor mental health because of the constant relapses and anxiety and torment that cocaine usage brings. Sometimes I’d just leave the family home at 1am in the morning making some pathetic excuse because I wanted to carry on using and the paranoia of doing it at hone would be too much. I would be away for days and I would feel knee height to a rat thinking what I’m putting my wife and children through. It would end with me in tears and begging for forgiveness and truly ashamed at what I’d done and for the next 6 months a year I’d be off it. Then something would happen it might be gradual over a few weeks, don’t ask me what the trigger is because even I don’t understand what process of my thinking slowly opens the door again and I forget the previous misery that I’ve caused. And the merry go round continues.
It’s happened again last week probably after a year clean. I don’t think there was any plan to do it…. It just happened
I had a bit of a cold and thought its a good cover to have a few lines, no one will suspect it as I’ve got a hasty cold anyway. So a few lines turned into 4 nights with 4g add the sleeping tablets to that and I was off my trolley
My wife and daughter clicked on and 4 days later I’m there again, lost all trust and bridges that id built over the years and they want me out. I can’t blame them. I’m in tears again thinking… why and how did it come to this. If only I hadn’t made that call. But the problem is the sequence leading up to it. I need help to understand this because if I haven’t done it for a year surely this can continue.
Sorry for the long vent but I’m hoping someone can help and advise me as I feel absolutely hopeless, I just can’t trust myself and I’ve got so much to lose. Especially my beautiful children.
What a father and husband I am