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Exactly!
I too remain in the dark, but I won’t give up hope or the fight for their human rights.
Hi JB3,
Thank you for your message. It was a wee while ago and hopefully you are fully recovered from covid. I don’t have a tv and sorry, but I haven’t seen the advert. I do know there is much bias, discrimination and stigma surrounding those who realise they may have a problem with addiction and these issues can more often than not make the individual too frightened to seek help. This in itself is beyond sad as an earlier intervention is easier when assisting a person seeking recovery. However, in the current system I still don’t think enough help is available at any stage for people fighting addiction. There will always be room for improvements , but more people are becoming more aware of the problem and hopefully this awareness will end some of the stigma.
I believe that any individual who has a drug problem should be encouraged to seek help. There is help available here in Scotland, but it is badly organised. For example a Heroin addict can be prescribed methadone as a substitute opioid that staves off withdrawals enabling them to level out and make changes to their health and eventually move on to a better path. Unfortunately this in itself isn’t enough. They can’t just suddenly get well, go out to work meet new friends, acquire an education and rejoin society as a productive individual. They are stuck in the same community and left to get on with it. Acquiring an actual substitute ‘ script ‘ in itself is no easy task. The person seeking recovery is made to jump through hoops. Please feel free to read previous posts of mine that detail my own experiences on trying to help my son receive Medication Assisted Treatment.
To receive their script the person seeking help has to go to a designated chemist every day and the substitute is administrated under supervision. This service is usually not available over the weekend which means a two day supply is given to take away. This makes the person in recovery vulnerable to use again as it takes years to conquer addiction and temptation often overtakes their desire to stay clean, especially at the beginning of treatment, often resulting with the two day supply being sold or swapped for heroin or other drugs. The addict begins to withdraw and the emotions of shame, failure etc kick in and the cycle begins again.
The reason I think substitution therapy has a low success rate is because the person seeking help often lives in poor housing or hostels with nothing to occupy their time and with no where to go. A long term drug user usually has other underlying conditions such as HepC, HIV and mental health issues and is unable to function very well. Their self esteem is very low and their new reality i.e. staying clean is dogged by isolation, poverty, loneliness and the community they belong to which is riddled with crime and violence. They are often stigmatised by the public, the police, the health service and social services. There is much bias. It is easy for the afore mentioned to show empathy and say the right things, but actions speak louder than words and everyone knows the system isn’t working. Individuals seeking recovery can’t just suddenly get well, go out to work or meet new friends. These things take a long time. They are stuck in the same community and left to get on with it.
I know there is AA, NA , etc and many more support systems available, but your average street poly user doesn’t quite fit in there. I respect that these institutes do good work, but also do not have a high success rate and the fear of complete abstinence stops many from using these facilities at the beginning of their recovery. Complete abstinence is best but not always possible with the first steps of recovery. Even severe alcoholism needs to be medically supervised if the problem is extreme.
Relapse can also be seen as a problem. Statistics show that relapse is inevitable on the road to recovery but relapse is seen by many as a weakness and rather than be supported through a relapse ; possibly the most crucial time on the road to recovery, the recovering addict is instantly kicked off a program or shunned by some support groups, family etc.
Any moves forward with “parity of esteem ‘ can only do good. In combination with MAT for the physical symptoms : support with a persons mental health is imperative. My opinion has changed over the years and currently I think MAT and parity is the way ahead for recovery. I think there should be a reclassification of drugs. Harsh as this sounds, l also think that the sale of drugs should be illegal and the law should come down hard on dealers, even those who only deal to enable their own supply. Rather than go to prison there should be a rehabilitation route where the individual can choose in-house recovery and rehabilitation whilst serving their sentence . Where they could receive MAT, psychological sessions and ongoing support when entering back into the community should they choose that option. Obviously this wouldn’t be suitable for all people who have committed a crime, but for people where there crimes are related to their drug addiction. I actually don’t like to use the word ‘crime’ here as many people end up in prisons due to the lifestyle addiction can lead to.
I urge you to watch the documentary “ Seattle is Dying “ on you tube, this explains what I mean about rehab much better than I am. It is a long gruelling watch, but near the end the work of health care providers who facilitate and run (think they are called CODAK centres – might be wrong spelling) is highlighted and it seems to work. There is a lot to be learned here.
My son is still in hospital and life is sometimes very difficult for him but he is trying. Its been around eight months since his accident and things are different though still tough. I have taken him out a few times and it’s a new way of living! I don’t expect anyone really ends up with the life they had hoped for. Still, I keep trying to make things better every day , even the ones that are spent in bed as there is so much I still can’t face. Things are easier in the sense that I know he is safe for now although he will have to leave hospital at some point and I am not sure how we will fare. In the meantime we are finding joy in the simple things, cooking lunch, watching films and maybe a walk round the park sometime soon stopping for a coffee and some people watching.
Hoping everyone is doing okay and is having a pleasant Easter holiday.
Love
Ivy
Thanks x
Hello everyone and thank you Mammyessex for asking after my son.
He is doing okay. He is well looked after but life is still a real struggle for both of us.
He is now very aware of the level of his disfigurement and disability and this is causing him untold grief. We are waiting to see if there will be further surgery to help with his skull . He is still on methadone though his addiction is still very much on everyones mind. He has some terrible breakdowns where all he can think about is using again.
Very difficult times, but he is alive and there are times now that include serenity and even a little joy which I haven’t experienced for years. I’m just taking life , well I’d like to say one day at a time, but realistically it’s more like a couple of hours at a time. The brain injury has left him very confused on top of everything else.
I often log in to catch up on all of your stories, sadly most of them resonate with what I have already gone through which makes me say ” what a remarkable group of strong ladies we are to keep it together through this journey of addiction and recovery ”
I hope that more peace comes into all of our lives, especially for our loved ones.
Love
Ivy x
Hi WOO and Danman83,
I should have mentioned it’s not just mums on the Theresa thread.
Lots of advice and experiences from many different angles. Most of all it will give you a place to express your concerns, and if you are anything like me you can also have a good rant now and again.
x
Hi WOO,
Sorry to hear things have become worse. If your son has been diagnosed with ADHD he may be offered medication which might help. When you next visit your GP to discuss this, perhaps you could ask for a referral for counselling a psychologist and/or social services.
There is another thread on here called Theresa, where there are lots of mums with similar stories who will offer emotional support and some may be able to also offer advice. Look it up and have a read through.
I know it’s not easy, but please do remember to look after yourself too.
Love Ivy x
Hello Woo,
Welcome to the forum Woo,
I’m sorry to hear you are having problems with your son. Since there are two adults in the house and if his brother is older, could you not hold an intervention
where as a family you all sit down and discuss the future problems that can occur long term with if he continues to use. It’s great that you are close and can talk about things. If the rest of the family hold regular meetings with him without judging him or criticising you might eventually get through to him.
Do not give him any money and inform extended family not to either. He may steal to buy more cannabis, but there is no point in making things easier for him by funding him.
When my son started smoking cannabis I did speak to the police and they came round and had a long chat with him; unfortunately he took no heed of their advice. My aim wasn’t to frighten him, but to get him some advice from an authoritative figure as my sons’ father has passed away with cancer, ( as far as I can tell my son started at 15 )
I also took my son to see his GP who organised for him to see a child psychologist but I could not get my son to attend the appointments; after three no shows the appointments were cancelled.
I was on my own with my son and there was more stigma regarding drug use back then ( or it felt that way ) but you are in a much better position.
There are three of you and one of him. Try and set boundaries now and stick to them. If your son is intimidating towards you ask your husband for some back up. Try and plan interventions in a calm environment.
I am only speaking as the mother of an addict and can see where I made mistakes.
Nowadays there are many organisations you can find online who can offer support and advice, and of course this forum is amazing too.
Good luck
Love Ivy x
Febuarymarie,
I can relate to what you are saying. With my son being a one and only I think it took me longer to get to the – I didn’t cause it and I can’t fix it stage.
My own health – physically and mentally is very poor now. I too intend to preserve what I am left with Its tough though and every day is still battle to just get out of bed or take a shower. I am going to fight for myself . You sound as though you have worked through a lot with your son and he is very lucky to have you.
You sound warm and loving Febuarymarie. I’m quite cold and brittle right now, but that is not my true personality. I hope to be more like my old self now I have a window to put myself first and try to heal a bit.
My son has ended up severely disfigured and brain damaged. I am here for him 100% and I hope he can have some sort of life in the future. The Dr’s say his brain rehab will take up to one year and then I hope he can live independently in a flat close to where I live. This should give me time to gather strength, because if he goes back to using again he will be on his own. I shall move away to an island. I’d rather have a lonely peaceful life, than a lonely chaotic one.
I like to look at the situation my son and I are in as if his injury happened in a road accident and that we now have to pursue a different kind of life. I am trying to be positive, but it still hangs around in my mind that he is still an addict though only the methadone which he is prescribed by one of The Drs looking after him.
Time will tell …
Love Ivy x
Hello debbieg2020
You should take your own advice. Step back and decide what you want to do.
If you confront him now, he will have a lot of ammunition to use against you and you might end up feeling even worse. I think you already knew he was using and lying. Now you have proof you can set your own mind at peace and make rational decisions. Good luck
Love Ivy x
Hello everyone,
Kate, I won’t be trying to publish my story anytime soon, in my experience it would do more harm to my son than good. You know what I’m talking about regarding Social care and the police. However, I do intend to write to my MP when I have calmed down a bit. Could be in months or even years time. Tis a long road.
I’m so sorry for your loss and I know that you are an amazing mother. I’m sure your strength is being passed on to your daughter and granddaughter. I don’t pretend to imagine what it must be like for you to lose your son. The grief and the pain. I don’t have the words and ‘time is a great healer’ well I’m sure just doesn’t cut it. I read /listen to all of your posts and think of you often. Thank you for sharing.
I heard today ( again ) that my son is to be moved sometime this week. The anxiety is crippling. I can’t cope with any more disappointment. I’ll let everyone know when he does eventually move and then I will have some good news of sorts to share. I never thought I would say my son being moved to an acquired brain injury (ABI) unit is good news, especially since the injury was acquired through an act of violence towards him.
Vic152UH, welcome to the forum. You are in the best place to share. Your current situation reminds me of when my son was that age living at home with me; safe in a sense.
I forget to mention in my last rant that I was terrible at implementing boundaries. It was because I cared so much for his youth and well being. On reflection I can see where I went wrong in some ways. I was so concerned about my sons mental health I didn’t take heed to who was supplying his cannabis, and on lesser occasions, ecstasy and MDMA. The knowledge that buying drugs in this country is illegal stopped me from asking too many questions. In the beginning it was always ” a friend ” or ” don’t worry mum its a guy from college” It took about four years until he would eventually succumb to heroin.
I do believe if cannabis was legal he would be fine today. Yes, he would most likely still have his mental health problems, but he would be safe. Not everyone who uses drugs becomes addicted, but many dealers can spot a vulnerable meal ticket a mile off. I now advocate for safe supply within the drugs community.
There have been times when I really don’t know how I would have coped without the people here who have only ever shown me kindness.
Love Ivy x
Hello everyone,
Bump, if staff at the hospital are saying he doesn’t have mental capacity then this may be a good thing to help protect you and the rest of your family. They may section him. This would give you a break and your son may get the help he needs.
As others have already said; no matter what you shouldn’t let him back into your house.
I have witnessed my own son – more than once kick off in hospital after overdoses etc and watched him take out his cannula and drip and just walk out the door. My begging him to stay put didn’t stop him. He would only emotionally abuse and gas light me for the £20 for his fix. Though its now £25 – seems inflation is everywhere.
I am so unwell tonight I can’t sleep. The other day my son tried to leave the hospital. I’m in Glasgow and the patients have not been allowed visitors since before Christmas , although I was allowed a visit on Christmas Day.
A few days ago my son decided he wanted to leave. One of the nursing staff phoned to let me know his intentions. She said that my son DID have mental capacity and that if he wanted to sign his self out then he could. My son has been in hospital for three months, he has had three cranietomies and has half of his skull missing. His skull is implanted into his abdomen. At first they thought they could use the skull to patch his head up again. This was before he had further surgeries and the piece of bone it is no longer suitable. They said something about making him a titanium section and use that instead, hopefully in around three months time Thing is , they were about to let my son sign himself out of the ward like that with his brain exposed. He doesn’t even have any shoes or a coat .
I was able to speak to him on the phone for over an hour and he calmed down and said he would stay. I feel he does NOT have mental capacity – I mean how can you have capacity if you think its okay to walk out into the night with no shoes , coat or money and half your skull missing. It’s gone beyond me now. I find the system completely broken . It’s unbelievably bad. Rotten to the core that this is allowed.
In my opinion it’s just a case of the staff not being able to cope. Many I the NHS are now showing severe signs of mental health problems themselves and don’t even realise it.
Im really at a loss as what to do. My son was supposed to be moved to a different facility especially for people with an acquired brain injury (ABI) , but this has been delayed, no one will tell me why – it may be the covid restrictions , but what ever it’s a disaster. The NHS is on it’s knees. I am now ashamed to say I work for the NHS . I am retiring early, I won’t be part of it anymore.
The social services are much worse: very sinister set up.
No one seems to know what is going on anymore. No continuity.
One thing I have learned is that there is not enough help for the families of the addicts and we are mostly just left to get on with it. Stigmatised and sometimes even encouraged to believe it might be something we have done wrong as parents.
If I could have done things differently I wouldn’t have been such an enabler for so long, but through love and fear of the unknown I did everything I could to protect my son. but everything is stacked against us. When my son did go down the homeless path, he wanted to. He didn’t want to cause me the financial burden of paying for a flat anymore. He wanted to move away from the area and the people who had a hold on him. He wanted a chance to try and get healthy. He trusted the authorities. When they said they would house him, they did, but it didn’t work out as he got zero support. Housed out on a remote housing scheme with no money and no hope surrounded by dealers , criminals and other addicts. He was too vulnerable and he was pushed out onto the streets , begging ; under the control of the street dealers.
Harsh as it is, if the social services, police, etc, etc do care then they don’t show it. Their excuse? Oh, their hands are tied.
There is no proper residential rehab openly available, and I don’t see anything changing anytime soon. I won’t share my view why I think things are going to get worse, and I hope I am wrong.
I am a single parent and could only ever imagine what it would be like to have someone to turn to for a shoulder to lean on, for a good cry or a hug and not be on my own. Alone. Now though, through reading the stories here it seems the addict goes out of their way to destroy all of the family unit.
I also see from reading here that some of our beloved addicts are still at home managing their addictions and holding down jobs , or abstaining with the 12 steps.
I know many of you have faith and hope. I do too but not as strongly.
I just think that once the drugs really take hold we have to face reality that no matter what happens, our original sons are not coming back. They are gone for good.We have a new person in their place and even if they stop, modify or change their ways they will never be the people we thought we knew. They are different and we must treat them differently and create boundaries and stick to those boundaries. If I’ve learned one thing it has to be that delaying things only causes more heartache for everyone.
I sound harsh , but this is how I see things now. People can change. I would love to change back to the fun loving smiley, funny woman I used to be. I won’t though. The stress of it all has taken its toll on my health and I will need to be careful and slow.
I am grateful for this forum. Thank you for recommending books and stuff. I like to read and will put those on my list.
Lindyloo thank you for sharing your faith. It always offers some comfort
.
Take care everyone and thank you for listening.
Love Ivy x
Thank you for your kind words and support Februarymarie.
The hospital called me just now. There will be no visitors allowed into the hospital from Monday 20th December because of the Omicron . They reckon this will be in place for at least two weeks.
This news and it’s implications. has not quite sunk in yet. I have also been told they are cancelling surgeries.
We are going back into lockdown here in UK.
love
Ivy x
Hello everyone,
My son is still in hospital. He has had a rough time since we last spoke. Further surgeries and emergencies; I almost lost him again. He is doing okay for now. I mean he’s alive. I am lucky. Some of us have lost a loved one.
I have decided to retire early which means I will be poor as I still have a mortgage, bills etc, and my pension won’t cover this, but I really do think it will be for the best. I’m excited and terrified about it in equal measures. My own health has taken a nose dive – physically more than mentally. I am struggling to come to terms with how my life has turned out due to the stress of the last decade.
But hey, , I’m a survivor. I have faith in myself that an opportunity will come along in one form or another, and I’ll be fine.
I often pop in and read about everyone and their sons on this thread. We are all good, kind and especially strong individuals now, but I feel true happiness eludes us all. Partly or mostly because of the chains of addiction, which is sad as the addictions don’t belong to us.
This time last year my son was a missing person. It’s only on reflection I can see how ill I’d become.
My mother and I sat together on Christmas Day waiting and hoping. My son turned up around 8pm, filthy and high. He had been sleeping rough on the streets of Liverpool for some weeks. We thought he was dead.
He sat and ate some food, then we coaxed him to have a bath. He injected heroin whilst in the bathroom. He came downstairs, put his new clothes on, took his Christmas money and a bottle of wine then headed off into the night. It was awful and my mother and I swore we would never have another Christmas like that again, and we won’t. This year my son will spend Christmas in hospital; brain damaged with half his skull missing. The Dr’s have prescribed methadone and other drugs every day because without these monitored medications his body would go into withdrawal and there is a good chance that would kill him. His addiction is only stable right now because he is in a clinical environment.
I could write about my sons journey for hours; forever. I won’t take up everyones time though. I just wanted to pop in to update and say Hi.
I admire all of us women ( and anyone else who finds some sort of relief from our trauma and our stories) on this site. I am sorry we are forgotten by society and there is nowhere tangible for us to go and receive help. I am so thankful that you are all out there and that I have a place where I can rant, relate and empathise. I think of you all and your sons often.
I have no answers, there have been so many ifs, buts and why’s on this incredibly sad, lonely and dangerous journey we are on.
This Christmas I will be at my mums. I haven’t really indulged in alcohol for many years because I always like to find myself in a situation where I can always jump into my car to go to the rescue, which I have done over and over again. This year my son is safe and so am I , so its Champagne and sparkly shoes all the way!
Please know that I care about all of us here.
love
Ivy x
I have family support. My sister lives at the borders, and we don’t see much of each other especially the last few covid years. We have become much closer the past couple of days. I also have my lovely mum, although she is currently traumatised. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a psychiatric nurse, I don’t know what that will be like? I also have two close friends but haven’t told them yet. Yes, seems like I do have support, thank you for caring xxx
Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I expect I am still in shock as this is a real horror story. If he pulls through, the surgeon says it will take at least two weeks to access the extent of his brain damage. You know, it’s such a relief to know that you are all here. No one, not even family really understand addiction like we do. On the upside , he has been taken off the ventilator and is breathing on his. They are hoping to move him out of the intensive care unit tomorrow into the high dependency unit. Unfortunately I work in the ICU and HDU, although not in neurology, so I know already there is a long hard road ahead for the both of us. I’m sorry I don’t interact here and offer support to others as much as I’d like to, but I know you all understand. I contacted an old friend of his earlier and asked him to send me any pics he had.
He sent pictures of my son before he discovered heroin. So young and innocent, and so incredibly happy looking. I wish he had stayed on that path. I’ll keep you all updated .
Love
Ivy ????