[ivy]

Hello everyone and Happy New Year,

Sorry to hear about the COVID Bump, and long COVID ladies. Remember to take it easy when you can. I work in the CCU, ITU, theatre etc and it’s all a very poor visual right now for myself and colleagues. Long COVID is something I’d like to research in the future, if I am lucky enough to have one.

Lindyloo, please pass my congratulations on to your son, sounds like he is overcoming a lot and also his recovery gives people like me some hope.

Jen, hope your mum is feeling better. Please don’t take this the wrong way, I hope you understand, but the thought of my son being at home in his room and smoking weed would be a luxury to me as I would know at least he would be safer than he is now.

Thank you to everyone here at Adfam and especially the mums in this thread. I learn a lot here and also feel supported though I do realise that only I can take myself out of this constant cycle which leaves me living my own life in despair. I have lost the ability to relate to people in a friendly manner so now I am an empty shell with two hats. The aloof professional ( terrified person who covers her true identity through fear of the cracks showing and loss of job and income ) and the even more terrified hermit. ( realising that 12 years in this abusive cycle has left me vulnerable to normal socialising ) It’s like an invisible badge I wear. Most people who are friendly towards me are now the sort who can spot vulnerability in others and are on the look out for what they can take. I have isolated myself for two or three years now, but now feel the need to establish who I am and how I could improve my life. The endless fear and related stress has weakened my health physically, mentally and emotionally.

By all intents and purposes it may look and feel to my son that I have turned my back on him. I haven’t and never shall, though the time has arrived where I have consciously decided to take a step back.

I have met with my son twice during the past few weeks. We had coffee, but I could tell he didn’t really want to be there. He just wanted either for me to give him some money, or to get on with his days begging. He begs for money for drugs in the city centre . Due to the lockdown there are slim pickings and many fights over territory ( I can’t believe this is still going on , that the government and society let our most vulnerable fight and maim each other over who gets to beg where and when) Unfortunately I see and understand the desperation of the addict

I have no answers and there is no real help for my son at this time.

Today, I received a phone call from my son. He was in custody, or he had been and was released an hour or so ago. Normally I drop everything and sort things out. For example; he gets a taxi I meet and pay for taxi then he berates me or pleads and begs me for money, then rushes off to get his heroin fix . I refused to help him, bail him out, ease the pain and terror of his withdrawal. This act makes me feel like I am cruel.

I tell him I hate drug dealers and refuse to hand over any monies that will help finance this evil business, because the dealers know and see what they are doing.

It isn’t easy for me right now, perhaps I have made the wrong decision. I can only try and begin to go into some sort of stabilisation and recovery myself. Recovery from years of loss, pain, abuse and horror from how a drug as vile as heroin is allowed to be openly sold in broad daylight on the streets . Yesterday my son was found overdosed in the street, not for the first time. A police officer administered Naloxone which instantly takes the addict out of OD and into withdrawal. The addict then becomes frightened and desperate for a fix. In this instance my son was taken to prison for the night as the hospitals are most likely full. Also the Medical staff have no back up at all to offer help for withdrawal or rehabilitation, so it’s pointless taking them there.

The dealer on the street who sold the heroin ( cut with crap – six deaths two weeks ago from one batch cut with anthrax in Glasgow ) stands by and watches. The police know that my son is a person who uses heroin and begs ( sometimes for 10 hours a day just to keep the rattle at bay. ) and I thank them for giving him the Naloxone, but I would thank them more if they arrested the dealers. However for reasons unbeknown to me the police will not arrest the drug dealers. I’ll rephrase that: won’t arrest the murderers.

So, I thank anyone who has read this much so far! I checked in way back and all of you lovely people gave me the permission to rant! Thank you for sharing the burden of my frustration.

I haven’t tried “ not being there “ for my son before. I’m about five weeks in and it’s torture. I am hoping to try and stabilise my own situation by not putting my son before myself anymore, simply because it’s too painful and frightening for me to live with right now.

I hope to gain strength. If he ever decides to stop using I will do all I can to help, even though I know that will be a difficult process too, but at least there would be hope and maybe some peace. Alas I need to step back for now and look after myself without really knowing if I’m doing the right thing.

Ivy x

[ivy]

Thank you Jaynhissay,

I needed to hear this tonight

“ I firmly believe that as an addicts family member or friend there isn’t a lot that can be done to help until the addict makes the decision to get clean and then they have a better idea of what they need from the people who are supporting them with their recovery “

Ivy x

[ivy]

Thanks Bump, fingers crossed. I have been on and off citalopram for years and beta blockers for the anxiety . I’m not taking anything right now. I think I’m used to the depression, but struggle every day with anxiety. I’m really scared as I think my personality is changing.

I don’t know if you have used antidepressants before, if not be prepared to be more tired than usual for the first few days. I think the effect they have is that at last some of the pent up stress and overload of adrenaline actually has a chance to leave your body. They really helped me and I would take them again.

I’m a mess too. I’m at home with my phone off and am having a night cap. There is no chance of me being relaxed enough to watch a film or even contemplate reading a book.

This group is a godsend.

I am here for you if you ever want to talk or ask any questions. I know I am new to the forum, but hand on heart , I don’t know what I would have done last month if I hadn’t found all of you ladies on this post.

Ivy x

[ivy]

Hello everyone,

Well, my son disappeared for two weeks with no way to contact him. Then, he called about an hour ago, very drunk, sad and in a mess. He wanted to do a two hour walk to come to meet me so that I would give him money. I can’t transfer monies into his bank account as he has lost his bank card.

I had to refuse him coming to meet me at a friends house as he could turn up at 10pm, 2pm or not at all. He was crying down the phone that he will now need to sit and beg until he makes £25

He is so out of it he hasn’t quite grasped that the town is empty as everything is closed. I have been in touch with the people at the Simon centre that tell me they will find him a bed in a hostel for the night if he contacts them, but he clearly doesn’t want to do that.

My fear now is that he will turn up at his grans and harass her and then the police will be called. So, once again a stressful evening for my mother and I. It’s impossible to relax.

He doesn’t even seem concerned about where he will sleep. He only wants more money to become more hammered.

Thanks for letting me vent.

My son is invited for Christmas lunch at my mothers; even though he completely ruined it for everyone last year. If he turns up we will make it as pleasant as we possibly can for him.

I do hope everyone has some joy on Christmas Day, myself and my poor wee mum included and that our boys are lucid and pain free

Lindylou, pleased to hear your son is still doing ok. There is always hope it seems!

Ivy x

[ivy]

Hi Halo20

Thank you for sharing your story and for being so strong.

My son is 27 and Ive stopped letting him into my house since January. Most of the things you mention I have been put through. Over and over again by my son, and now I find myself weak and alone.

Sometimes I feel helpless and angry too. Angry because my sons behaviour caused this situation to exist. Helpless because it’s such a waste.

I wonder everyday if we will ever have a happy, respectful and peaceful relationship again. Recently I’ve had to question myself if. I still love my son. Part of me does but I fear It may no longer be unconditional. Right now? I don’t like the mans lifestyle one bit.

I am struggling but instead of searching the streets in the dark I’m going to look for something to lighten the load. I forget what joy feels like. My current version of joy its to be found in the little things I do for myself. Something as simple as making a cup of tea.

It’s such a sad lonely life right now, but things can change.

I’ve tried everything I know for more than a decade to help him. Now I just feel I have to look after me for a while or else I will lose my sanity .

My self esteem is lying on the floor and it doesn’t belong there! I’m giving myself a chance for a happier future.

Stay brave,

Best wishes

Ivy x

[ivy]

Hello everyone, hope your Sunday is a good one.

I have spoken to my son on the phone twice in the past two weeks. He was polite during the first call and we talked about Christmas plans. On the second call he sounded drunk. He wanted to tell stories of his week on the streets, but I just can’t listen anymore. He asked for money and I gave him £20. The sadness of the situation hangs over me too much of the time. I’m taking a break.

I’m a little scared too, because if my son did say he wanted to try and turn his life around. I’m not in a place where I feel I have the energy to help. I’m still exhausted a lot of the time. He can no longer come to my house, and it hurts that the relationship is so broken. My only son and I can’t trust him.

Lindyloo Im glad your son is making good progress. Sounds peaceful.

Bump, It’s so hurtful when they behave so selfishly. I think you are an amazing mum doing the best you can.

Ivy x

[ivy]

What a lovely thought Lindyloo,

I hope he is listening too!

Ivy x

[ivy]

Thanks ladies,

JEM – I get that non person thing all of the time!! I expect people can’t handle the reality.

Bump – My son uses a cocktail of drugs. There are more details in other threads. We aren’t completely locked down here in Scotland. There are more restrictions though. No government funding for B&Bs etc.

Unfortunately after my sons emergency surgery incident I had a kind of break down so I’m off work. I’m taking a break from his chaos for a while. Hoping to use my time to try and get well and then I’ll be stronger and of more use to everyone, myself included ????

Ivy x

[ivy]

Ha ha,

I just worked out you mean empty booze bottles !

Ivy x

[ivy]

Hello Bump,

I have been reading your story on the Theresa thread.

Such a terrible time your family are having.

I too have a son who is an addict. I’ve been where you are now. Maybe a couple of years further down the line. My son and I were on our own. No husband, father or siblings. Just the two of us. This possibly makes the situation even more difficult. Less support for either of us within a family unit. All I have is my mum. It’s difficult for her too.

From my own experience I know when my son hit the – run out of options and no place to go – stage, he was taken in by other random addicts. There is a sort of code amongst the homeless addicts. Nowadays he sleeps sometimes in a car pack in town ( he does this when he receives his social money and doesn’t want to put it in the pot and share so to speak ) after a couple of days he begins his quest of getting back indoors by sleeping in drug dens. The only accommodation offered to him by the social services is a hostel in the city centre. My son prefers to sleep outside than go there. It’s a harsh life.

I have tried everything to prevent the downward spiral, but still it continues.

When the pandemic first began in March, all of the street homeless were put into B&B accommodation. Every homeless person off the streets in one swoop overnight. The government funded this for three or four months. The police heavily monitored the streets and the dealers found it difficult to sell their wares. So, during this time in lockdown it proved difficult for the addicts to access the class A hard drugs on the street level. The beginning of lockdown proved to be the happiest of times for me in, oh years, but it was short lived.

I would go into town to meet with my son, and he would be clean, smiling and happy. Such a change from the shell I Am used to. Grey, gaunt, pin eyed, begging outside Tesco express. Week after week I saw the improvement. It truly was a miracle. Then in August or there about, the restrictions were lifted, the dealers got there claws back in, and the addicts were thrown back onto the street. Glasgow is once again overdose city. Injectors are at their most vulnerable after abstaining for a while. Their system can’t cope when they start using again. My son has overdosed and been admitted to hospital for overdose three times in the last month alone. He has also been admitted for emergency surgery. Even after surgery the only option offered was a hostel for the night and a script for subutex.

Excuse my ramblings. This probably isn’t helping. I’m not sure which drugs your son is using. If he is not injecting then there is plenty hope. My advise would be. Do not give him money. If he is aggressive or has been in the past. Do not let him into your house. Also, you are correct about rehab, unfortunately you can’t make them go. They have to be willing. I did manage to set up a rehab facility with help from my GP and a charitable organisation. He didn’t turn up on the day and lost his place. It took so much time work and pleading on my part to set this up and after the failure, I haven’t ever reached a level of having enough energy to fight for private rehab again. The rehab offered by social services is impossible to acquire. Totally unrealistic for my son with his lifestyle to achieve a place.

Once your son understands you are serious, maybe he will hit his own personal rock bottom. Then he will come looking for help. You will know when he is ready.

There are so many of us going through this with our loved ones. I feel your pain.

Hope you don’t mind me hijacking your post!

All the best

Ivy x

[ivy]

Hi Anon2000, just noticed this update.

Fantastic news about your MP

I thought about that one time , but couldn’t muster the energy.

Perhaps I will in the future.

Well done

Ivy x

[ivy]

Dear Anon2020

This is terrible. I’m sorry I can’t reassure you. I do emphasise with you completely.

I think when they self harm it’s because the emotional pain becomes too much to bear, they are overwhelmed and they have to inflict physical pain as a distraction. The momentarily feel relief, though it’s short lived. It’s a dreadful, damaging, vicious cycle.

Once when my son was in the full throws of a psychotic episode he set fire to

his hands.

I took him to the hospital. We waited about an hour to be seen. He was given an IV antibiotic and his hands were dressed by a nurse. We waited to speak to a Dr. about his mental health and addictions. There was nothing the Dr could do. I wanted my son to be admitted and for a psychiatrist to section him. We were told that his life wasn’t in danger and his injuries would eventually heal. I argued that he was a danger to himself. The Dr disagreed. We were sent away.

I don’t blame the Drs. Their hands are tied by bureaucracy – ie the Goverment. I thank the nurse for tending to his wounds and administrating the antibiotic which stopped any infection from destroying his hands further. The people who work in the NHS are mostly angles. They do what they can and more. A few weeks ago my son was admitted for emergency surgery. On numerous other occasions they have resuscitated him after overdose. Patched up wounds and more. I am so grateful to the people who work for the NHS. However, I agree entirely that there is no budget or near enough facilities or help for the mentally ill or the severely addicted. The NHS is on its knees. What is happening to your brother is neglect. I hope they admit him this time.

Back to my own story, sorry. My son had his own flat at the time so I went home with him and stayed there for a few days to keep an eye on him and change his dressings. In amongst my grief it was also a nice time for me as I was able to nurse him and feed him and we talked , shared memories, hugged and watched films on TV.

It wasn’t too long after this that my son changed from smoking heroin to injecting it.

I don’t want to frighten you or anyone who might read this. My son tried to hang himself. He was saved and taken to hospital. The Dr there wanted to discharge him after one night. I managed to convince a psychiatrist to sanction him. He was taken to a place to be assessed. The relief I felt me was immense. My son was alive and he would be safe and be helped. Three days later he was discharged. “ The patient is not perceived as a danger to himself or others “ He was offered antidepressants with no aftercare they let him walk out without even letting his family know. He phoned and my mother took him in for as long as she was able to cope.

I’m so sorry you have to go through this with your brother. I am sorry you are both suffering. I am sorry we are all struggling.

I have no answers or solution. Mental health needs a bigger platform . Society needs to band together and stand up for what’s right.

No one is immune anymore and this pandemic isn’t helping. More people are showing signs.

Anon200, You need to go and speak to your GP. They will give you a sick note for work. They will help YOU . You can’t do this on your own anymore. You need a break. You deserve to be at home where you can concentrate on your studies and rest in between supporting your family. There is help available for you. You will be offered counselling. Speak to someone at the University should you need extra support regarding your studies. Get in touch with the Social Security if your income is affected.

You clearly love your brother and want him well again, but you are a young woman with a bright future ahead of you and you might need some extra help at this time.

I hope you are gonna be ok.

Ivy x

[ivy]

Dear Lindyloo and Jaynhissay,

Once again thanks for ‘ listening ‘ it really is helping having a place to vent.

I may come across as cynical, but I’m actually a real sweetheart and I used to have the most amazing sense of humour. People generally warm to me. Not so much the past couple of years, I am aiming to change this though.

I’ve been reading through the Theresa thread. What an amazing group of individuals. I am finding the thread cathartic in some ways, though frustrating too. The inclusions of humour and kindness are amazing and uplifting. The way everyone shows love and support to each other, honestly and without judgement gives me hope.

Cathartic as psychologically most of the scenarios mentioned my son has survived. I am a survivor too and accept that I am in it till the end. I will never abandon my son, but I need time for myself right now.

I do believe the strongest human bonds are genetic. Our children share their DNA with us. As mothers who carried and birthed them, we are forever connected. The link is strong and this is why we feel so much emotional pain. We are empathic towards them. When they go off as mature adults to a safe environment we experience feelings of joy when we are with them and we remain able, strong and helpful when we are needed. If our children reach and live life in their safe environment then they are able to help and support us when we become old, Ill or just can’t get up a ladder anymore, etc. etc. It’s a two way street. When things go wrong and in this instance drugs have taken them over, our brains become wired to their addictions. This is why we become anxious when, for example, let’s say it’s their “pay day”. Our flight or fight response kicks in and our brains are flooded with an overdose of adrenaline. Our brains are altered chemically, regularly; and in sync with our addict child. This is unnatural and eventually makes us very ill. I currently reside at this end of the spectrum. I hope none of you ever become this worn out.

Unfortunately I feel I have an insight into how dark addiction can become, even though I don’t use drugs myself. I fear my sons rock bottom has been and gone and now he has become his addiction and lives his life accordingly. Using isn’t a choice for him anymore. He is too far gone, his brain chemistry is altered too much. The professional support he requires is not available or should I say affordable.

My frustration comes from reliving the stories about the failures of the authorities. I have no faith in the councils, case workers, police or support workers. I have wasted so much of my time engaging and trusting them. Now I know from experience, I see what is really happening. Having lived the ways of the ‘system’ for years and the realisation of what is available against what should be available. It isn’t working for most addicts, whatever their addiction may be. The current system is complicated, deceptive, terrifying and exhausting.

Thanks for listening. I feel a bit better getting this out!

Ivy x

[ivy]

Oops just getting the hang of this. My reply is in the thread …

[ivy]

Stay strong Jaynhissay. It’s great that you and your mum are building a relationship together again. I imagine she is bursting with glee inside. I know I would be. This difficult gesture you have made will be building so much trust between you. Don’t know what to suggest to distract you from the brain “stuff”

When I decided to stop smoking cigarettes for health reasons, I used to indulge in a dialogue with my craving thoughts. I would openly say stuff like “ Ivy, this cigarette will only put your lungs under attack. You won’t be able to breath, your bronchi will hurt and you will cough. Then you will want another one” stuff like that. I still have to engage with myself in this way, it’s not easy, it costs nothing and It’s still working for me ???? Don’t be too hard on yourself. You did good today.

Ivy x

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