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Hiya mate this is a very interesting topic really.
I took have a book of all the things I did through my addiction that I am ashamed of. And yeah as.you asked it is one of the steps. At some point when following the programme, you are asked to write a list of everyone you have wronged and where reasonably possible, try to make amends.
For most, this is the hardest step and I’m sure you can understand why.
I’m always conscious when posting that it doesn’t seem like I’m making excuses for addicts but I assure you, those things your partner has written down. He already feels so much shame and guilt for without adding to it someone calling him out for them.
I’m not saying that he shouldn’t be held accountable, but during addiction there is genuinely a chemical reaction that alters the way your brain functions and makes decisions. I look back at some of the things I did and I would never in a million years consider doing them sober but the truth is, it happend.
I understand you will be full of anger and rage towards him for the lies and the hurt but no one ever sets out to cause their loved ones pain. Your partner wouldn’t of woke up one day and decided to become and addict, decided he was going to go down a path of lying to you, causing pain. But he fell victim to a disease that unfortunately destroys everything you care about.
I guess my input on this would be, try to emotionally detach yourself temporarily from the past few years and focus on supporting his recovery. He may come to you with these things himself and when he does, please try to listen to what he has to say, equally you do have every right to be mad about things but the man you’re talking to now clean and sober won’t be the same man who did those things.
I’m so sorry you have been affected by this plague and I applaud your approach to come here and ask for advise instead of tearing into him. You are clearly a strong woman and I hope that with your support, you get your husband back.
Sending love
James x
Hi mate, just reading that I know exactly everything you’re talking about and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Let me start by saying though I’m by no means a bright knight. The only reason I’m able to be so honest with people like you is because I was once the ars****** partner. Don’t get my wrong there’s more to my story, in many ways I was in an abusive relationship, I was the one being controllerd and as I’ve mentioned before I fell into my addiction when trying to cope with the loss of my parents while still being heavily relied on to support everyone around me emotionally and financially.
But to get back to it, the missing social events. Unfortunately, what ever is happening the next day, will not play any part in an addicts mind. You for example may say, oh I won’t drink tonight because I have to be up and out at 8am tomorrow. Where as an addict will tell themselves “it will be fine, I’ll go bed at midnight” but that never happens. It’s all part of how cocaine rewires your brain and takes over the way you think about things. I wish I could tell you the amount of times I’d do the same.
For example, booked tickets to a festival. Looked forward to it for months. The night before go and get a large amount of gear for the festival. Then sit up all night doing the gear, then have no sleep, feel like death and frantically try to find more the morning of the festival and end up having a rubbish time because I’m so tired.
I never set out to do that but inevitably it happens.
As far as him kicking off saying you’re controlling. That’s simply because he feels as a man he should be able to do what ever he likes and you trying to stop him doing something he wants to do to him means you’re the problem. He would rather be left alone to crack on which is sad because the truth is right now he probably needs love and affection in his life more than ever.
There’s a saying you cant help someone until they are willing to accept help and want to change.
That couldn’t be more true.
If your partner doesn’t want to stop or he doesn’t see anything wrong in his behaviour then I’m sorry to say he won’t change any time soon. Sometimes the ultimatum of stop or I leave is enough but in other cases an addict will rather lose everything around them before they lose their vice.
My advise to you, is safeguard yourself. Put yourself and your children first. As hard as that may be. If it means walking away then that’s maybe the best thing to do. If he cares for you he will realise what he lost and change his ways
Drug addicts aren’t all bad people but we struggle to feel emotion and it sadly takes in most cases the realisation of losing everything to finally change.
I hope you’re alright and stay strong x
Hi mate I hope you’re okay,
I’m going to respond to this because I feel like the question you’re asking is a quite a hard on to answer and I know how hard it is to reach out and I wouldn’t want your questions going unanswered.
That’s a tough one because I can only go from my personal experiences.
When I was using, if I’m honest I always knew I was at fault and to blame but I would still when confronted blame everyone else but myself. I hid my drug addiction itself but when my partner would confront me for why I was “working” so much (I wasn’t as work of be in my van sat doing drugs alone) I would say she’s wrong for questioning me when I’m out working all hours trying to make a better life for us.
When I’ve been in recovery and been able to think with a clearer head. I’ve opened up and been more honest with people about what was really going on.
In regards to wether addicts blame themselves for their addiction or if they see themselves as victims….
Of course I blame myself, as much as it is an illness, I could have taken steps to resolve my issues much earlier. But equally there is an element of understanding I wasn’t in my right mind and the addiction took a hold of me.
I think any recovering addict would agree there is a werid mix of self accountability to a point but then the addiction takes over. I certainly carry alot of guilt over my addiction and things it made me do but also I do want people to understand that I was suffering from an illness in that part of my life and that person who did certain things wasn’t “me”
I hope that makes some sort of sense to you x
Wow okay, thank you for all of that. And realistically I sounds like there’s nothing I can tell you that you don’t already know so I guess this actually becomes a much simpler issue.
2 people in a relationship, one of them does something the other has an issue with. You talk about it but nothing changes.
Everyone knows relationships are built around a very few key but very important factors. Compromise is one of them. Now I’m not saying be okay with his usage. But your relationship and life is none of my business however, your happiness and your families happiness has to be your priority.
If you was to talk to him, say all the things your just said about not wanting it in the house with your child etc and say look, you clearly don’t want to stop, I can’t have it in our house, but if you can go out like your friends, do a little bit and come home then that’s a compromise.
The fact he currently lives alone with no responsibility is more than likely why he goes on all night. He has no reason to stop and as you know if you say you’ve dabbled before. Once you start you really don’t want to stop until you have to.
In regards to understanding him doing it alone. It’s a strange one. Cocaine can take you to different places depending on when are where you take it. For example, I’d do it out with friends and have a great night and talk rubbish all night with everyone. But then I too would sit alone and do it. It alone doesn’t so much give you the buzz but it can make you more open with yourself emotionally. I play guitar and write music, and some nights I would sit alone, get on the gear and was able to write so many songs that sober I wouldn’t have. Other nights I’d sit and watch oasis live at knebworth on YouTube 3 or 4 times over and because I was on it, I just felt a more emotional enjoyment.
But getting back to the real issue is this. Even if it wasn’t cocaine. It was something else, like he spent all his money on fancy clothes. You would say to him, “look before we commit to the next stage I want you to stop spending so much on clothes” and he wouldn’t be wrong to have things he would ask you to address before committing to living together and moving forward in your relationship. And you both have to come to a compromise that works or it isn’t fair on either of you.
The worst thing you can do, is move in, he continues to stay up that one night a week doing it and it becomes a much bigger problem.
It needs to be made clear, that changes or your future together won’t work. Stand your ground with this though and offer the compromise as to him only doing it away from the house with friends and if that is something that works then that’s great.
If he cares for you then he will be willing to compromise. It’s not asking him to fully stop it’s asking him to compromise.
I hope that helps in some way and let me know if you wanna talk more.
All the best
James x
Hi White feather, hope you’re okay.
I hope you don’t mind but to better understand so I can reply better there’s a few things I’d like to ask.
I’m a recovering cocaine addict, I’m 30 myself and spent the best years of my 20s destroying everything around me due to my cocaine use. So believe me when I say I more than likely know exactly where he is and also understand your concern.
If he follows the same pattern as most of us, it would of started out as something with friends, small amounts every so often but then he would have found himself unfortunately like myself, one of the ones who get hooked. It changes from being a social thing, to a very anti social thing like you say he does it alone. But there is often many stages of the relationship a person has with the stuff depending on how it affects their life. For example if he has you, a job he holds down, isnt in financial trouble then he won’t see it as too much of a bad thing. The fact he is talking to you openly about it suggests he doesn’t hide it and makes me think it hasn’t had too bad an impact. Others literally despise the stuff for all of the trouble it has caused but still can’t stop and continue daily.
So I guess the questions are, is he in general, doing okay? No money or job trouble? Do his friends also do it and are they open about it? At 36 does he show signs of wanting to settle down with family etc.
Also have you challenged him about it and asked him to stop? And if so, how did he take that?
Hopefully I can shed some light but it’s hard to be specific without knowing details.
Anyway hope you’re well. Speak soon
James x
As hard as this will be. If he is doing this right in front of you, he isn’t afraid of you knowing and nothing you say or ask of him will have an impact.
If you’re genuinely concerned about his well being, I would suggest calling your gp or 111 or a local drug and alcohol charity and have them intervene.
He will probably kick off, call you things and be aggressive but one day when he is thinking clearly and is sober he will thankyou for saving his life.
Just remember the man you fell in love with is still in there and I promise you despite the addiction he desperately wants to get out.
Be strong this is a terrible thing you are going through and always make sure you take care of yourself too. If you have a friend or family member you can talk to I’d say it’s worth opening up about things. When you’re so invested in someone it’s hard to see the bigger picture.
Stay strong x
Hi mate, I hope you’re okay.
I’m so sorry to hear about your son and it pulls on my heart strings because I know that my parents where just as worried as you are now when i told them about my addiction too.
I’m a 30 year old recovering cocaine addict so hopefully I may be able to shed some light on some things for you.
If you don’t mind though if it isn’t too personal to get an understanding there’s things that would be huge factors so can I ask…
Roughly how old is your son? Is he working or at college etc
Does he have a circle of friends who you think all do it too? Most of the time you’ll find for example a group of lads all start having a go at the pub at the weekend but then 1 or 2 of that group end up developing addiction.
If he is working, is he holding down a job okay or is that suffering due to the gear? Or if at school is he doing okay?
Do you know of any financial problems he may have? Almost everyone me included end up with huge money problems no matter how well you’re paid because of it.
Any relationship or anything? If so do you think she knows ?
All of those things are massively Important to try understand the bigger picture. You said he is having dark thoughts and I can only imagine that’s because the impact the addiction is having on the rest of his life.
I’ve been there and although it took me to get to a point lower than o ever thought possible, with time things are looking up.
Il share with you anything I can that may help you and your boy.
Any questions you want to ask me also feel free. I’ll be straight up and honest.
Take care and stay strong mate
Hi, I hope you’re okay.
My Poison has never been drink but there’s alot of clear parallels between addiction with anything.
I agree with the previous reply, the fact you are hiding bottles means you know you’re drinking more than you want your family to know and coming on here looking for support is a huge thing so be proud of yourself for having the courage to address it.
So right now I guess you’re in the stage where, you’re still functioning, no one has found out and confronted you and if thing stayed like this forever, you could continue as long as you wanted.
The waking up and telling yourself no more is you’re genuine regret and desire to stop but throughout the day you forget about the negatives it makes you feel and the part of your brain that is addicted starts thinking about the pleasure you get from having a drink. No matter how bad you felt I’m the morning, by the afternoon that seems to Iike a distant memory and it’s almost like “well nothing too bad happend, I had a drink, knowone found out and I still managed to do life today so why not”
I lived like that for years until I was caught and my world fell apart.
My advice for you as hard as it may be. Tell your family what’s going on. That will be so much better than them finding out themselves. This also means that when you start to battle the addiction, you can be open with them. You may have down days, but they will know why, you might have physical effects from withdrawl like not sleeping and it’s so much easier to not have to lie about why that is. Also they can help you, they will know what to look out for and even knowing that people around you are aware that will help your battle when telling yourself no, I’m not drinking tonight because you’ll either worry someone will notice or you won’t want to let them down.
I know this will be a secret that you have tried so hard to keep from your loved ones but if they love you they will not judge and they will support you through this.
Addiction is not a choice and it does not make you a bad person.
I promise you the second you tell someone about it, you’ll feel a huge weight lifted and you won’t have to face this alone.
Stay strong, you got this x
Hi mate, I hope you’re okay. I couldn’t not reply to this because Its so close to home.
I guess I fit your criteria, I’m a recovering cocaine addict, I’m 30 also, and I have a 14 month old daughter.
I’ll keep it short as its late but hopefully we can talk some more.
Cocaine addiction is probably one of the worst things that can ever happen to a human being and furthermore its the worst thing that can ever exist in a relationship.
There is so much I could say right now but as I say it’s late so I’ll keep it short.
When you’re addicted to cocaine it’s like you are 2 people.
The 1st being the real you, the person who loves, who cares, who would do anything for the people you love. Often cocaine addicts will be able to hold on to “normal” life for a long time, pay bills, go to work, hide it from their partner to an extent.
Then there’s the 2nd part of you, and this part is trying to grow and take over all the time.
It highjacks your brain, it makes you say and do things that the sober you would never dream of.
I love my (ex) partner more than life itself but somehow I still repeatedly lied to her. I’d lie about money, where I was, what I was doing, anything I had to so I could get on it and the saddest part of it all is that even when I was off my face, I wanted nothing more than to live a honest simple life without the hurt and pain that comes with addiction but I couldn’t stop for years.
I promise you that deep down he loves you. I promise you that his addiction is not in any way something he does to hurt you.
I hope that he genuinely wants to get clean and is ready to commit himself to a life of recovery because the people who are affected most by addiction are the people who are close to an addict.
Please feel free to click on my name and read all my previous posts they may help and ask me anything you want to know and I’ll do my best to help you understand.
Stay strong
Dan x
Ahhh this is such a hard one for me because I’m commenting on posts from the perspective of a recovering cocaine addict so I’ve been in the situation your boyfriend is in right now. Its like a moral conflict for me. Not wanting to “snitch” on your partner because I was at one point just as bad as him etc but equally I feel like people like yourself and my Mrs (who left me due to my addiction) deserve so much better.
I can’t tell you definitely of course but I will say this…..
It’s very rare a Cocaine addict will be able to drink without doing gear.
Its very rare a recovering addict or anyone who isn’t doing something they shouldn’t be would still be up until 6am
It’s also very rare that someone who wasnt hiding something would have numbers saved to their phone under false names.
The best advice I can give you is to talk to him. Safe guard yourself but also try to be understanding and supportive if you can.
All addicts lie. We can’t help it. We have to so we can continue with what we are trying to do and as long as an addict can get away with using 9 out of 10 times they will.
You clearly care for him deeply so he is lucky to have you. When he isnt using I’m sure hes a great guy. Try and bring it up when you think he is sober and tell him how your are feeling how its effecting you.
Also maybe tell him to come on here and talk to a few of the guys who have been through the same thing.
Alot of the time there’s so much more going on deeper down than just the addiction to a substance.
Communication is key in any relationship so don’t bottle anything up. Talk to him and if you need support we are all here for you x
I always come here and try to give advice based on the point of view of a recovering cocaine addict so sometimes I worry that it may seem like I’m making excuses for addicts.
But no matter how bad my addiction got, I always loved my partner and although I’d lie to her about money and I’d lie about working late or where I was so I could use, I would never disrespect her like this (I know the lying is disrespectful but you know what I mean).
No woman or no man in general should have to feel they are not desirable or feel worthless in any relationship and taking addiction aside these kind of things are just not okay.
Its upsets me to see how many undure these kind of relationships when I know 100% that the men saying these things to you, rely on you more than anything and without you in their lives they would be screwed.
Please, for your sake. Know your worth, do not put up with it and if he is treating you like this move on and I promise you there are good men out there who will respect you and love you the way you deserve.
I hope you are okay I really do and please keep reaching out on here because recently I’ve seen such a good community of people looking out for eachother
Hi ladies, I’m sorry I haven’t responded to the other post recently, I haven’t had chance to come on here.
Reading that really upset me.
I just want to say this and I hope you in time will believe me.
Regardless of any addiction or struggle he may be going through it is never okay to outright abuse and attack anyone.
Take all the energy you have been using trying to deal with him and his addiction and redirect it back into yourself. Focus souly on whag is going to benifit you and your families future and if he wants to clean him self up and be a part of that future then that’s up to him but for now, do not put yourself through anymore torture.
You are a strong woman and deserve better.
The thinks he is saying to you are not true, no matter how much they hurt just deflect them and realise that his anger he is directing at you is actually anger he has for himself.
Be strong, look at try is as a fresh start.
Put yourself first and I promise you things will work out.
Stay strong and we are always here for you
Hi River, hope you’re okay. There’s alot more that I’d be interested to ask so I could better answer your question if that’s okay? Mainly if you could give general understanding of general life for you and your partner. How long have you been married or together, do you have children, do you both work? More importantly, has there been any negative impacts that now are obviously due to his using for example financial issues, more frequently arguing, is he dissappearing sometimes so he can use etc. You may not realise if you haven’t really spoken to him yet just how broadly life and relationships are affected if one of you are addicted to something.
As a general response to your post coming from perspective of a recovering cocaine addict who’s addiction caused my partner an unmeasured amount of pain I’ll try give you an insight.
No one ever intentionally set out to be an addict, or intentionally wants to ruin relationships or hurt people but when you find yourself one of the unfortunate ones who’s being gripped, you end up living almost a double life or with 2 versions of yourself. The science behind it has proven that a cocaine addicts brain is basically rewired to justify to themselves the reason they use. Even though its having a negative effect on their life, their addiction will genuinely make them believe that everyone else is to blame because otherwise surely they would just stop right?
I could go further into this if you like but for now I’m going to guess that your partner is in the stage where he is still gripped and when you have found out, the natural defence would be as he has done, blame you, be aggressive, say hurtful nasty things because he is not in control of his brain, I can promise you, the things he has said he deep down probably doesn’t mean but him saying he can’t wait for you to leave is because the addict in him just wants to be left alone, unchallenged so he can continue in his addiction without anyone getting in the way.
I’d also bet that deep down, the part of him that is still the man you first met wants nothing more than to get help and get clean but when addiction has a grip on you it is so hard to find strength to put recovery into action.
I posted yesterday some links to a YouTube video that I feel you would realy benifit from watching to understand addiction a little better.
Im on here most days so please ask me anything you want to know and I’ll do my best to try help in anyway way I can
Stay strong and look after yourself first before anything