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Hi mate, I hope youre okay. Im sorry you have been through this.
It seems to me that its a very typical case
Unfortunately no one wakes up one day and decides to be an addict. It creeps up on you and far too often, once good loving partners can turn into people you barely recognise who do things that you never would imagine they are capable of.
The thing is that in his active addiction he would have barely veen holding everything together, the lie he told the things he did, would have been hom trying to hold what little bit of normal life he had left together. That isnt to excuse his behaviour though.
What I find alot though is addicts and I was once the same, find it hard to accept any responsibility, because the truth is, if they was honest with themselves about all the things they have done they would probably find it impossible to look themselves in the mirror.
If you do want to find a way to buold back trust then he has to be willing to love by your rules and boundaries.
I would suggest, regular drug testing needing to be in place. If he has nothing to hide and wants to rebuild the relationship then he should have no problem with this.
Financial transparency is another thing. He should know that because of his actions you have every right to question Financial situations and again if he is real about making ammend he should respect that.
For so long it sounds like you lived on his terms and when you had enough and said no more the victim card was played. That doesnt get anyone anywhere.
Have a chat. Get everything out in the open. Set boundaries and make it clear that if he sticks to what he needs to do ie, being clean and contributing then you will stick to what you have offered, maybe thats staying a few nights a week. Having some time together like dating again and try to see if you can work through it.
For anyone battling addiction, having support is the number one thing you need however the people offering support can not be taken advantage of.
Be kind, be understand but be firm and always out yourself and children first.
I hope this helps in some way, feel free to reach out if you want to talk some more.
Stay strong
James x
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Roo, I hope youre alright mate. Im so sorry its taken so long for me to get back to you.</p>
Reading everything you have been through there is alot to unpack. Please forgive me its been a while since ive been on here replying to someone so I guess ill start how I used to by saying, im by no means a professional but I have lived through active addiction and have experienced the destruction it brings with it. Anything I say will only be based on my experiences and opinions.Where to start… in all honesty this doesnt sound so much like a drug addiction problem, although it clearly has contributed to the problems but ultimately, the man you have described above really has not treated you in a way that you deserve. I will be the first to defend anyone suffering with addiction, but it can not be used as an excuse to mistreat people.
To answer your question, does cocaine make people act this way? Yes. The paranoid behaviours are very common with cocaine abuse, however I would also suggest maybe a guilty conscious plays a part. Because he has been with the other girl he would be paranoid you would be doing the same with a man. Slashing your tyres is completely inexcusable regardless of his addiction.
The back and forth, with him, the trying to by you drinks etc and offer you money sounds more like controlling behaviour thay he still wants to belive you are his and im sorry to say that if you allow this to continue he will belive its working.
What’s hard for me is to give you advise on what to do next because I’m not qualified to do so but also I have to take into consideration what you want but if im honest, I would say. You should distance yourself from him, focus on yourself and hopefully find a man who will respect you and treat you the way you should be treated. I understand though aswell that he sounds like the type that would not just accept that and leave you to move on with your life.
If you love him and truly do want a future with him. The first thing you need to do is establish boundaries. The cheating obviously can not continue and you will need to work out with him how you can rebuild the trust.
Secondly the addiction part, anyone suffering with active addiction will need support when becoming sober. You will need to be able to communicate with each other honestly about how you are both feeling and work through it together. Going to the pub etc will need to stop but this may also help you both find new things to do together with him sober that could ultimately rebuild your bond. Things as simple as going for a long walk somewhere nice on a sunday afternoon or cooking together each evening.
Im hope some of that helps and please reply if you want any more specific things to talk about.
I really do hope youre okay, please look after yourself and always remember thay you deserve nothing less than love and respect.
Sending love
Stay safe
James x
<p style=”text-align: right;”></p>Hiya mate, I’m james, I used to be fairly active on here but haven’t been for a while as I relapsed myself and felt it was hypocritical of me to offer advice when I wasn’t in a stable place myself but I saw this post when it went up and wanted to reach out but wasn’t sure if I should. But seeing you haven’t had a response yet I’m going to do my best.
Firstly, as I always say, I’m not a professional, I am just a man who unfortunately has lived through the entirety of cocaine addition and I hope that in some way I can use my experiences to In some way help others. Secondly please do not take offence to anything I say as I mean everything from the best place and having been through it all myself I hope you can understand that I know the dark truths we don’t like to admit.
I’m really sorry you went through what you did with your partner, it is awful and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I had a very similar thing happen to myself.
When you was heartbroken, you did the same thing people do when they have a headache or toothache. You took a drug to ease the pain. But unlucky paracetamol cocaine comes with its own problems.
I could, if you like go alot deeper into the process and how it grips a person to the point they are almost just a tenant within their own body, unable to hang onto the morals and values that made them who they was and through this, make decisions they once never would have dreamed of or start to act In ways they never once would (like yourself letting down clients) but I’ll save that for if you want to get jnto it.
What I want to say to you is, yes what happend to you was awful and no one should ever judge you for how you chose to deal with your pain but the person you truly are is still within you. You are still the hardworking trustworthy, capable person you always have been. Please don’t allow the trauma you went through win. You have grieved, you have made mistakes but you have realised you have and that tells me you still have enough strength in you to fight this.
Do not let that guy win, I know how hard it is to wake up and face the world and feel like cocaine is the only thin that will get you through the day but we both know the days you are on it are not in any way enjoyable.
Look at your self in the mirror and ask yourself are you going to let everything you have worked for over the years be taken away? Take it day by day. Show yourself you are still that strong person. Show yourself you still have it in you.
Stop looking for ways to ease the pain and face it head on like the person you was before cocaine would have and be proud of the person you are.
Don’t worry about what everyone else around you thinks of you. Ask them to walk a day in your shoes and see if they would still judge you the same.
The only thing that beats addiction is love and in your case I belive it is self love.
You need to know you deserve a better life, you need to know you are capable of getting that better life and you need to know that no matter what life throws at you, you are still strong enough to get through it. Of course it isn’t going to be easy, if it was we would be here talking about it but ask yourself do you want to spend the rest of your life putting a plaster over the things that heart you whilst easing the pain with a packet or are you ready to show the world what you are made of?
Go out there and do yourself proud. If you stubble, don’t give up. Go again and again until you are proud of the person in the mirror.
You got this champ. And if you need anything at all or want to ask me any questions I’m scrolling through these forums most days.
Stay strong
James x
Hi mate, I hope you’re okay and thank you for sharing your story. Unfortunately it’s a story that so many of us know all too well. I myself, am a recovering cocaine addict and was once exactly where your partner was in many ways. From what you have shared it seems to me he is at a cross roads. He as you mentioned, shares with you when he has done it which is a huge positive but you may of fallen into a place where he feels there isn’t too many consequences of his actions. After the incident with the packet on the floor you made it clear you wasn’t happy and he took action which shows he does value your relationship and respects your wishes but cocaine is a sneaky drug that grips hold of a person and often cam take someone with the purest of hearts and make them do things tbey im a sober state would not. A little time has pasted and the dog house is behind him so he would think well I haven’t got on it in a while and I won’t be so stupid this time so there is no harm.
I think at this point the most important thing is clear honest communication. You need to set boundaries and make it clear what will happen if those boundaries are crossed. Equally, it’s really important that you ask him if there is deeper meaning to his use, if he is struggling with anything that may be effecting his head and also if he feels that it isn’t something he can control. If that is the case then, the most powerful tool for recovery is support. Support him and try establish a space that he feels comfortable to talk to you about things.
No body has ever chosen to become an addict, it isn’t something you wake up and day and say “you know what would be a great idea, I’m going to get bang on the gear and upset the Mrs and ruin my relationship” but it happens time and time again as I am an example of someone who lost the love of their life to addiction and no matter how much I wish I could, I can never go back and right the wrongs I put us through.
The people down the pub are not the people who will be there for you on your darkest day your partner and your family are. The night of fun on the gear with your pals is not worth a single second of a happy family life.
Talk to your partner tell him how you feel and let him know how it Is effecting you and as a team try to work out how you are going to get through it.
He is a lucky man to have someone in his life who cares about him still despite his struggles and I hope that together you can overcome this.
If he needs someone to talk to, I’m always on here and can talk to him too so he will know what will be waiting for him if he pushes you away due to cocaine.
I honestly wish you both the best
Stay strong, love eachother, support eachother and there is a better life waiting on the other side.
James x
Hi ladies, I hope you’re both okay.
To answer your question simply, Yes. You can be addicted to a substance (or anything infact) without it being every day. There is a common misconception that a drug addict is someone who is daily using and often a down and out type person but I can assure you addicts and particularly cocaine addicts come from all walks of life and can range from doctors and successful business owners to the scaffolds and builders who are in the pub at 3pm everyday after their graft.
I would guess the reason why your partner says he doesn’t have a problem or addiction yet is because he hasn’t yet come to the point where the negative effects of cochineal addiction have effected him enough that he has wanted to stop and realised that he can’t. Bare in mind no one ever sets out with the intention of becoming an addict and always starts out as harmless fun can very easily turn into fun-less harm.
Cocaine use in relationships can be a very hard thing to manage because often the user will have a completely different view of their situation than their partner. The partner of the user may be concerned about their use as someone who doesn’t do it themselves and is fully aware of the fact it is illegal and can also easily become a problem and does not want their loved one to continue using. Whilst the user will normally not see it as a big deal and will protest that it isn’t an issue.
I’m not here to say that your partner will end up facing the problem full blown addiction brings but I for one wish I could go back in time to when I still had a choice and tell myself about the harsh reality of what I was doing. Equally this forum will tell you everything you need to know about the pain of being a long tm partner of someone who uses.
As hard as it is, (and my opinion on this has changed over the past few years) I belive now that if you are not happy with your partner doing drugs and they are not willing to stop then the ealier you remove yourself from the situation the better. For 1, if a person respects you and your wishes for them to stop they should act on them and at least try to make changes. Of they do then please do everything you can to support them as no one who has not experienced addiction will ever understand how hard it is to get sober but the second reason is that if your partner continues to use, the damage to them, you and your relationship will only build.
I hope your partner is strong enough to step away from the gear and please do everything you can to support him but the most important thing you need to do is safeguard yourself and mak sure that your needs and happiness is your number 1 priority.
Feel free to ask me anything or even read back some of my old posts as I don’t get as much time to come on here these days.
All the best
James x
Evening, I hope you’re okay, I know reaching out is a huge thing and the fear of losing your family is one of the most terrifying things that comes with addiction.
Obviously there’s important factors that come in to how you can approach recovery.
Are your significant others aware of the addiction? Are you able to be honest with them and ask for support (of course this means really being honest with them this time).
Have you got a friend or someone you can talk to and lean on for support?
Unfortunately I myself have been through every part of the cycle and I can only offer advice based on what I wish I had done but please know that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
Feel free to hit me up and I will do everything I can to try and help you.
Stay strong, you are not alone.
James x
Firstly congratulations, that’s huge 3 months is a great achievement so far and you should be proud.
I completely understand what you’re going through, I often thought by around 2-3 months it would all be forgotten about and would seem like a distant memory but unfortunately we both know it’s going to be a battle you Dave for a long time ahead.
Id ask if there’s still drugs present in your life, as in are you hanging about with people who still use? It’s hard to distance yourself from people who you consider good friends who may still use but maybe for now removing yourself from situations where it is present will certainly cover the “out of sight out of mind” aspect.
Another thing is rewarding yourself, by now you would of noticed the financial rewards from getting sober and rewarding yourself with the money you would have spent on gear is always nice. Those things you would want but never got because you spent your money on gear sort of thing. Nice clothes, shoes, anything.
I found writing down a list of the negatives using caused me and the positives stopping had brought into my life when I was craving really helped. Just to force yourself to acknowledge that it really isn’t worth it.
Finally and the most helpful, is time management. Keep yourself busy with things you genuinely enjoy that you will look forward to doing and make it so that your time is filled up so much that you won’t have time to think about using. I know it’s easier said than done but you have made it so far into your journey now and you owe it to yourself to keep going.
Keep doing what you’re doing and make sure you surround yourself.with love and support.
You got this ????
Stay strong
James x
Hi Frahar, I hope you’re okay and I’m really sorry you are going through this. I myself am a recovering cocaine addict so have experienced most of the evils that active addiction can cause. I obviously am not a professional so I can’t tell you what to do but I hope this helps.
Firstly, mistreating you, regardless of the addiction is never okay. Of course you can say you understand and it’s not him it’s the drugs but you do not deserve to be on the receiving end of abuse in any kind. It seems to me that you have got to a point where he knows that regardless of his actions, you will still be there and try to help him. Addicts will latch onto relationships like that knowing they can get away with aiming all of the hurt, shame, and anger they have towards themselves onto someone else. Alot of addicts have to live in an alternate universe in their head half the time. This is because admitting to themselves they are the problem, they are the one to blame a d they have somehow ended up living life the way they are is too much to accept so they will almost mentally block out their wrong doing and instead blame everyone else around them. The cheating accusations thing is massively common. I have a few theories on this, cocaine does something to users brains that when they are.on it they are very sexually engaged mentally, alot of people will watch X rated content or crave sexual release. This coupled with the fact when they are using they are normally hiding from their partner somewhere and they also know that they are treating them bad and they deserve better, will make.them come to the conclusion the partner is cheating. Crazy I know but so many users are convinced their partner is cheating.
The suicide thing is tricky because of course I can’t tell you not to dismiss it because if something was to happen I would for one feel responsible, however, I have had experience with people close to me who sadly have gone through with it and also a few who have said they are going to buy infact it was a cry for help, or an attention thing. If he is carrying all the shame of the session he has been on and it’s coming to an end and he can’t bare toface the reality of what he has done it could almost be used as a scapegoat. “You can’t be mad and shout at me because I’m going to kill myself”. So instead of having to apologise for everything or have to listen to being told how much he hurt and upset you, pulling the suicide card mean he gets comfort, love, attention. And his actions are brushed under the carpet whilst you try to make sure he is okay. People who genuinely go through with it do not project it or tell anyone.
What was he like when he was clean for those months? Is there anything you believe could have triggered him to get back on it?
I think you need to set boundaries and make him aware of the damage his actions are having on your happiness. You can not continue to be an emotional punch bag or a doormat forever because of his addiction. Of course support him but he needs to know that if he doesn’t actively try to make changes then you will have to leave. I know you will struggle to do this as you are a caring person but right now you need to put taking care of yourself first.
I hope this helps in some way and if you have any questions or anything let me know.
Stay strong
James x
Hi mate,
I agree with paw in as much as you don’t need to feel guilty for the way you now feel when certain things happen.
Like already said, you have been through the trauma of being with someone battling addiction.
The most amazing thing I see here is that you are acknowledging his positive behaviours, and for his recovery that will be vital.
The lines (excuse the pun) are blurred though with the fact he went out to do a few lines but it’s not my place to judge on the agreement you guys have on what is acceptable in your relationship and if you can accept him doing a few lines every now and then and in a way where he still functions then that’s up to you. But the issue is that with you knowing openly he still gets on it a little it gives you a logical reason to suspect he could be taking it further.
I think here communication is key. I feel like you need to be honest with yourself about if you really are okay with him using at all and I know you don’t want to lose him but this is clearly effecting you.
If you are then you need to let him know how your brain works. You need to say to him “I’m still worried about you slipping back into heavier use so I may need extra reassurance when you’re not on it”. Let him know that things like not messaging and leaving the house still make you assume the worst but speaking about it openly means it shouldn’t get to the point you’re having to kick off.
I do however overall feel that you’re playing a dangerous game where you don’t like him using but allow him to do a little.
This seems like it will go round and round forever as you will never know for sure if he is on it or not.
I guess what I’m saying it be honest with eachother about what you really want out of this. Are you willing to put up with him using and is he prepared to stop completely of that’s what you want in your relationship.
Sorry I feel that probably isn’t much help but I hope it makes some sort of sense
Take care
James x
Hi mate, I hope you’re okay.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
There hasn’t been a post on here I can relate to more than this.
I lost both my parents also, my mum 5 years ago to cancer and within a year my dad to a heart attack.
Just like you I always did a bit of gear but when my mum went is when it escalated.
I get it mate, nothing can take the pain away but cocaine will make. you numb, it’s like all of a sudden I was able to function again. But the problem was Monday morning would come and I was still heart broken, unable to function at work so what did I do? Started sniffing through out the day too. But that then brings its own problems. I detached myself from everyone, my Mrs my friends, because I was off my nut all the time. The money troubles then start, I had to lie to my Mrs about where money was going and why I had none. I would be late to work, or go to work, then disappear and sit in my van all day sniffing until the end of the day, nip back in to show face then leave.
I promise you from the bottom of my heart that the road.o ly gets darker and the pain you are masking now will only end up worse if you don’t face it head on.
I ended up seeing a bereavement councillor and it was the best thing I ever did.
Take strength from knowing they are still watching over you and use that to make them proud. There’s no winners in sniffing nothing good will ever come from it. I wish I could go back and deal with losing them differently because in the end I lost my Mrs my job everything.
If you need to talk about things about your parents, gear or anything I’m here for you and I have been through it myself so I understand.
Stay strong mate
James x
Hi mate, I’m so sorry to read everything you have been through and from your post I can see how decent and loving of a man you are. I may not be the best person to reply to this as I on my story was the addict but I have through my addiction suffered the loss of both parents, my nan, an unborn child so the grief side of things I understand.
Like any loss you’re always going to question if you could have done more, spent more time with them, told them more often how much you loved them and also regret things you know you have done like the withdrawal of affection etc but the reality is, no one ever knows what is round the corner and you should hold no guilt for the way you lived your life with her. Although you feel guilt for not being more loving in the last few years due to her addiction, you still stood by her and was faithful and I am sure you did offer some level of support.
The feeling of possible guilt towards feeling like a weight has lifted now you don’t have to deal with her addiction is also nothing to be ashamed off. Alot of people feel similar when a parent who has something like dementia passes because they had to spend so much of their energy caring for them and on the face of it that parent was no longer there because they didn’t even recognise them when caring for them. The relief you are feeling shows me just how much you did for your wife right until the end and you need to know that deep down despite her addiction she would have appreciated you and everything you did for her and your family.
Addiction is one of the most destructive illnesses a family can face as it brings into question the very core values of a relationship like trust, respect, and companionship because these are the things an addict is striped of being able to offer their partner when suffering so missing the person she was before that is always going to be tough.
If I can tell you anything and of course my advise means nothing but allow yourself to feel and grieve in what ever way it comes to you, please don’t blame yourself for anything as none of this is your fault but try to find comfort in knowing that her addiction was never the person she truly was but instead something that happend to her and through out it all she still loved you the same she always did even when the addiction didn’t allow her to express that.
Focus on passing on your loving values to your children and know that she is no longer suffering and is watching over you proudly as the father you are now and she will be forever grateful for everything you did for her and still do for your children.
I hope that makes some kind of sense and mate if you want to talk more just let me know.
Stay strong man
Love. James x