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Hi liberty, hope your doing okay today.
It wasn’t just the one thing that got me to a stage where I had had enough. I was fed up with the same thing day in and day out. I had taken 2 overdoses and had 3 ligature attempts within 10 days to just try to end the way I was feeling. I also used to sit on my own thinking about the things I’d lost, relationships I’d ruined, friendships I’d destroyed and I was sick of never having a penny to do anything with the people who were still supporting me and not drug users. The things I was trying to get away from are still being dealt with in the present day and probably will be something I deal with for a long time to come. I am just dealing with them rather than just trying to forget or runaway from them. Also before I relapsed I was the happiest I’ve been in a long long time. I was experiencing pleasure from the everyday things that people get joy from. I don’t remember being able to smile about anything whilst I was using.
Thanks Sk21 I am doing a bit better at the moment but I’m very aware of the way my addiction can be the most cunning of things and will creep up on me.
I’m going to be completely honest with you now and I hope it doesn’t upset you or have a negative impact on you because that’s not my intention. I personally think that if you were to leave your partner and separate then I can imagine that his using will get worse initially because he won’t have to answer to anyone or justify his behaviour. That said obviously the hope would be that he is given a kick up the ass by your decision to leave and is the motivation he needs to get some professional help. I know this can’t be easy for you at all and thinking about his situation getting worse with you not there must be an awful amount of pressure but you have to think about yourself in all this. His using is neither your fault or responsibility and if he’s not willing to be making steps to get clean now then I would be very surprised if his using doesn’t increase anyway but with you in the mix of it all. I’m sorry if this is a bit of a negative response to be reading I can only give my experiences and opinions. X
Hi liberty
I’ll try to answer your questions for you. I’m not currently using any class A drugs as I’ve said in some of the other posts I am still smoking cannabis in the evenings and I’m finding this is helping me to stay away from the crack and heroin. I started over 20 years ago experimenting with drugs it was in my late teens that I realised I had an issue. At first I did it because I was enjoying it but once the addiction has a hold of you there’s nothing enjoyable about it. I used drugs as an escape from reality and to try and stop thinking about the things that I had been through and that caused me pain. I don’t know the extent of your partner’s using but I know that if he’s an addict it won’t really matter what you say to him about your lives being better without drugs I’m sure he will know that but when it was me in that situation it wasn’t enough to stop me from using. Nothing was! I had to get to a place where I had had enough of it all and was committed to getting clean. Even though I reached that place I still relapsed. The way drugs affected the way I thought about things was just so scary I thought the powder cocaine had a hold on me but it was nothing compared to what crack cocaine did to me and my family. I don’t know if I’ve answered your questions or made it more confusing to understand but I’m happy to try and answer any other questions you might have. Or even any that your partner might have about the struggles he’s going to face in the fight for freedom from active addiction
Hi Sk21 I am taken back 10-15 years when I read your story and hear that your partner is behaving in the way he is. I am someone who has been the person who is leaving his partner at home and not coming home after work because I’m out spending all my wages and more on an addiction. Back then it was powder cocaine and alcohol and I hate to say this but I think you have to concentrate on you and your future. I know that it’s easy for me to say that when I’m not emotionally involved in a situation but I used to lie and manipulate my way back into my partners good books saying anything that would help but the reality was she was an inconvenience to my using. Then I lost her because she’d had enough of it all and although it didn’t stop me using at the time it did ensure that her life wasn’t going to be wasted watching me destroy myself. I obviously don’t know the extent of your partner’s using but please don’t suffer and torture yourself. I really do wish you all the very best
I have sat and thought about it and I can honestly say that I’m not sure if I would of had the same strength to get rid of the money to my mum had I not been reading through and talking with the people on this forum. I don’t think I would of been able to play the tape forward to see the devastating impact it would have had on my mum. So I owe you all a massive thank you for your honesty and openness about your experiences because it has been a huge eye opener for me.
Thanks to everyone
Hey coco and liberty,
I have an addiction to crack and heroin which I am just about fending off at the moment.
After living the lifestyle that your describing your partner’s to be living I can give you an insight into the way he’s probably spending his time if that would be something you would be able to get an idea of and then it may be useful when you next come to speak with your partner’s. I am only going to be able to give you my experiences but having been in different towns and cities the way these people who are running these drug operations don’t change very much so I think my experiences will be similar to your partner’s.
Thanks so much Ivy yours and everyone else’s kind words really do give me a boost. I’ve had a bit of a strange day all things considered. I have been expecting a refund from my car insurance company after I cancelled my policy and that refund finally came today. £1300 in total was refunded to me and I couldn’t even trust myself with it so I transferred the money to my mum but since I did my brain has been telling me all sorts of stupid stuff. It’s stupid but I feel like it’s been a missed opportunity. That’s the crazy way am addicts brain works. I don’t want to use and I’m glad I haven’t and my mum was so relieved when I rang her to say “can you look after this money for me because I don’t trust myself with it” 34 years old and still need my mum more than ever
Thank you. I do appreciate the supportive and encouraging comments on this forum.
Hi ivy it’s absolutely heart breaking to read your story and truly appreciate what your going through right now. Like lindyloo has said there really isn’t anymore you can do to make things any better for him until he is ready to take the next step towards recovery. Please please don’t think for 1 second that you as a mother could of stopped this from happening with your son. I know that regardless of my families efforts to help me stop/keep me away from the drugs were never going to be enough. As an addict we will always find a way of getting the substances if we want them. I wasn’t particularly keen on the idea of N.A. meetings as I thought it was a bit of a cult but I was so wrong and the people involved in N.A. are so supportive of the newcomer to any meeting. Even if he’s still using the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop using. As I offered to another mum in the same situation if he would consider talking to another addict that has been where he is now then I would be happy to talk to him and share my experiences of active addiction and the struggles of getting clean again.
Hi Deb
Thank you for your lovely words. It has really hit me hard reading the posts on here and while I’m trying to do what I can to make amends to my family and friends that have had to deal with my addiction, I feel it’s important to be available to give whatever help I can give to others in the same situation
Lindyloo I need to echo your admiration for bump. I honestly do not know how you have coped with everything you’ve been through. I am just thinking back to when I was in a similar situation to your son and kept telling people I didn’t want any help but the reality was a lot different. I don’t know if this is something that your son would even consider but I would be willing to talk to him about doing something to break the cycle of active addiction. I don’t necessarily have all the answers but I can share my experiences of it and could possibly relate to the thoughts and feelings he’ll be having ????????♂️ like I said I don’t know if it’s a viable option but I would like to help in any way I can and give something back
Yes that sounds like it is the best outcome. At least he will be able to detox in a controlled environment and hopefully he’s told them the truth about his situation and this gives you a break too doesn’t it.
Yes it definitely is better to be talking about everything rather than just keeping it bottled up.
My hope when I joined the forum was to be able to share my experiences of active addiction and to try to give some hope to the families still suffering. Have you managed to speak to the hospital or the police at all?
Could you possibly go through the phone to try and see if there is anything on there that would give you a clue as to if there’s anywhere he goes to regularly or any other information that may be useful to help find him
Hi anon2020 I’m sorry to hear of your situation. I am an addict that has been addicted to crack and heroin although I’m not using any class A’s at the moment but I’m smoking cannabis which helps fight the internal battle I am having on a daily basis to not use crack. I have also been in a drug induced psychosis state and made attempts on my life to make it all stop. Hopefully with the police sectioning your brother and if he is honest with them about his dependency this is how I managed to get into rehab. I spoke to an organisation called calico and it was them who helped me out