[jb3]

Hello all. It’s so exhausting, the endless worry and the ups and downs.

Jeanie, I really hope your son is recovering from Covid and I’m glad he’s being well looked after. Hope you feel better soon Jeanie too.

My son split up with his partner recently and he now hasn’t seen his 16-month old beautiful wee daughter for several weeks. On Emmerdale this evening, they featured how impossible it can feel for the recovering addict to feel accepted, to shake off their reputation. And the character ‘Jay’ said ‘the person you love should help you feel better about yourself’.

It must feel so hard for an addict because self-esteem must be low.

M youngest son has moved back in with us – with his brother and me. At least I know where he is just now. But blimey, I feel like we’re treading water…if we’re lucky.

And yes, it feels lonely. I’m really glad his brother is around, he’s supportive…tho he has been part of his younger brother’s problems over the years.

Really feel for you all and wish you strength and good luck, lots of good luck, also for your loved ones who are struggling. Do we all need a seed of self-belief that we can nurture? Then the seed is tended and gradually…it grows.

With love, JB3

[jb3]

Ivy, I am so very sorry to hear about your son’s challenges. It sounds so difficult and painful for you and thank goodness he has you loving him still.

I’m on ‘holiday’ from work with a bit more time to think (have Covid just now). Been doing some reading on what other countries are doing, other than the UK, to try to improve illegal drug industry.

Addiction is a health condition and we’re still waiting for what they call ‘parity of esteem’ between physical health and mental health needs. Has anyone seen the advert (Scotland) with the woman on her own in her home crying as she’s struggling with a drug addiction problem and she’s saying ‘no one will want to help me cos I have a drug problem’? The message is that drug abuse is a health problem and that the person needs help and support.

Are you finding that there is help available for those who want help? Our local Unity team is poorly funded and can’t now offer acupuncture or ‘black box’ treatment. I know that it’s a big thing for a person to ask for help. Just think it’s important for the person to not feel negatively judged when he/she does ask for help.

My love and best wishes for peace and moments of joy for you and your loved ones. XX

[jb3]

Thanks for your response and empathy Mammyessex. Good for your young sons to see you taking care of yourself, so they learn to take care of themselves too and don’t need to worry about you so much. So hard. And hope you get respite in the good times. Wishes of love and strength to you too x

[jb3]

Hello all you lovely parents (with lovely sons!).

Hope it’s OK to come to the chat at a late stage. My son has been struggling for years, with various aspects of feeling ‘on the outside edge’ so really, why wouldn’t he continue to behave in a way to keep himself there, in his familiar place. Various unhelpful factors in school, family life, likely undiagnosed ADHD, have helped him feel ostracised. He is kind, caring, creative and a very fast learner. He struggles to stay in a job.

I feel for your pain and torment (and my own). The regular disturbed nights. Menopause doesn’t help! Then when I wake up and no-one knows where my son is and my mind goes to those blackest places.

I phoned AdFam a few months ago and the kind supporter said ‘politely tell family and friends (with unhelpful advice) that I don’t need their advice on my son, I need their support ie. for me’. Thought this very good advice. Yes I have often felt ‘please someone out there tell me what to do’ when I am most tormented, desperately trying to work out how to best support my son. Then that sinking feeling when he asks to ‘borrow’ money for cigarettes and I suspect I am not helping by handing it over. His main go to drug is MCat and sometimes Cocaine.

I do understand when people advise ‘you have to let ‘them’ hit rock bottom’. I get that the individual has got to decide he/she wants to change, because it’s going to be hard. So the motivation needs to be within, to tap into quickly to help in all those tough moments. As a parent, it goes against the grain to watch and wait while my beloved son slowly heads downhill’. I get that life is a roller coaster but this is a roller coaster we could all do without! My son seems to be making progress, then he takes a knock by someone’s careless comment or just bad luck then his life gets harder, again. Watching him trying so hard when he’s well and then slipping down, making unhelpful decisions when he’s struggling, is heart-breaking.

I know that my son feels guilty and sad for the worry his loved ones go through for him and these feelings are part of the vicious circle that feeds his negative self-image.

A friend told me about a previous relationship he had. His partner had alcohol dependency and he tried and tried to support her, for years, to no avail. They split up and she met her new partner at AA group. She was able to help herself once she felt useful to other people. She took care of her partner, felt needed and was able to improve her self-worth.

As mentioned in this chat, it seems a key to recovery for the person to get involved in something that helps him/her feel useful. Like the nice example re bicycle maintenance project. Finally, the person can feel valued, this counters some of the guilt and helps the person value himself. I think volunteering can be powerful and I would like to think that my son might consider some soon.

Counselling with a good-enough practitioner can help. I’m a fan of person-centred counselling, where the client learns to like (love) him/herself (through their counsellor consistently providing empathy, acceptance and deep respect).

Without question, we need to look after ourselves, because worry is exhausting.

I am learning and have loads more learning to do. I hope to continue to be here for my son, as you all clearly do for your sons. I am starting my own therapy soon and I really hope this will also help me to learn how to provide enabling support to my son.

Yours respectfully,

JB3

[Author]

Posts