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I guess we have to remember its their battle not ours – we just get all of the fall-out from it.
I hope everyone is okay, I’m thinking about you a lot, it really helps to know that we can talk to each other about this.
I think it’s definitely easier if you give them almost like a notice period that you will help now but not next time. But also, if you are financing your son you need to have control of his money. If/when he’s serious he’ll want you to do that. When my son has been getting clean in the past, he’d transferred most of his salary to me and I would transfer it back gradually. Payday is a massive trigger. I hope that your son can keep his job.l, things get worse when they are home all day.
I feel for you with work being stressful, I wonder if we should do less pressured jobs while going through this. I’m on the point of resigning from mine, I manage people and a lot of cash and just can’t give it what it needs. Some days I just want to hide.
I hope things improve for all of us. At least the sun is shining and we aren’t in lockdown.
I hope you enjoy your week off, try and do something nice for yourself.
I’m really sorry Lindy, the disappointment is so hard to take. I guess we can’t do it for them. Mum lend me 20 quid will break your heart if you read it now. I think the woman who started Drugfam wrote it about her own experience with her twin boys.
Kate I really feel for you, but even my son says that they can’t be helped while they are busy ‘burning the house down.’ I’ve had to walk away when he has been in that mindset. It’s easier when they live in another city, very hard if they are close to where you live. At the moment my son is using but I control the cash so it’s limited. Not ideal but he’s waiting for treatment.
68862 – I really hope your son turns a corner, you and your husband have really been through it.
Lindy – I’m really sorry, I know that silence before the phone calls asking for money and you’re just left waiting for them to tell you what you already know. I hope that your son gets back to going to meetings soon, he’s done so well.
Bump – sorry things are so tough, I hope you managed to have some time out this weekend.
When things are bad I find facing the stresses of work hard. I struggle to focus and I’m sure colleagues think I’m only half there.
Kate – sometimes you have to switch off to stay sane. He’s going to be talking a lot of rubbish and be looking for someone to blame. I hope that he wakes up to himself. It’s horrible. I read somewhere that most of them get through and get clean eventually, and I hold on to that hope x
Kate – I’m sorry you’re on your own with this. It may be worth trying to find a local family support group that you can talk to as well as posting here. I may have missed a post but am not sure what substance your son is addicted to, and you don’t have to say . My son is using heroin – so hard to stay off. There are others on this thread with sons having problems with street valium, which my son also dabbled with and turns them into zombies – terrifying, and coke being the most common and weed . My son has adhd and lots of issues with his dad, who just can’t connect with him. There is a book called something like In The Realm of Hungary Ghosts that says there is usually something unresolved in the life of an addict that they are trying to numb against. There also seems to be a strong correlation with incidents of adhd. Maybe at the moment your son is not very responsive to getting clean but are you able to talk about other things in his life that might be having a negative impact? Only you know your situation and what might help. I have found getting my son to talk about the things that bother him and trying to really empathise does seem to help. It’s hard to do when they are busy messing up their life and yours.
We are all here for you x
I’ve done everything to avoid that as well. But setting boundaries at home is hard. The problem is his to solve unfortunately but I really try and keep communication open. I make time when he wants to talk but realise it’s not going to be me that makes it better, I can only support. I was told early on, they won’t do it for their parents which is very true. You have to do the things that will help to keep you strong. Lockdown was tough because we were all shut in with the problem. Try and step out of it to get perspective, even if it’s just going for a walk.
Kate – as you’ve said, and we’ve all found out, there is very little support out there for families going through this. There are a few charities offering support. The one that fir me has been the most helpful is Drugfam. They have a helpline which I’ve called about 5 times over the last few years. I’ve been lucky and have spoken to people that have gone through all of this and it has helped a lot when I’ve been feeling desperate and alone. Give them a try. I have spoken to other organisations, I think this is probably the most helpful.
We are all here for you, the love and support on this thread is a God send. I’m not sure where I’d be without those kind words from people struggling in the same way. It breaks my heart to read your posts, another mum, yet another son. Please take care of yourself.
Kate – as you’ve said, and we’ve all found out, there is very little support out there for families going through this. There are a few charities offering support. The one that fir me has been the most helpful is Drugfam. They have a helpline which I’ve called about 5 times over the last few years. I’ve been lucky and have spoken to people that have gone through all of this and it has helped a lot when I’ve been feeling desperate and alone. Give them a try. I have spoken to other organisations, I think this is probably the most helpful.
We are all here for you, the love and support on this thread is a God send. I’m not sure where I’d be without those kind words from people struggling in the same way. It breaks my heart to read your posts, another mum, yet another son. Please take care of yourself.
Lindy – I hope that your son is still doing well and that you are doing better with Long Covid.
Kate – not knowing what they are doing, and having to second guess whether or not they are using is exhausting. It takes over your life. I hope that your son doesn’t get evicted and is able to hold down his job. At least that gives him a bit of structure.
Februarymarie – I hope that things are better for you.
I used to feel guilty last summer posting on this thread because my son was clean, but life was still hard and I was really unhappy. You have the continuing stress of, will he stay clean, will this be okay, and you feel you are jumping through hoops to help them achieve it. I don’t blame them for feeling grumpy, but maybe we have to be realistic about how hard this is on us, its just a relentless slog.
I am leaving work early, going for a bike ride and a meal at the pub, and trying to take it all one day at a time.
I hope you have a lovely weekend, make the most of it, you deserve it!!!!
I used to feel guilty last summer posting on this thread because my son was clean, but life was still hard and I was really unhappy. You have the continuing stress of, will he stay clean, will this be okay, and you feel you are jumping through hoops to help them achieve it. I don’t blame them for feeling grumpy, but maybe we have to be realistic about how hard this is on us, its just a relentless slog.
I am leaving work early, going for a bike ride and a meal at the pub, and trying to take it all one day at a time.
I hope you have a lovely weekend, make the most of it, you deserve it!!!!
Hi Bump,
I have felt like this so many times. At the moment my son is using a little bit, but his behaviour is not too bad. There have been times when he has been off drugs and he has been horrible and made us feel responsible for everything, and if we dare say ‘no’ we get the full force of his frustration. 3 months is still very early days and your son is coming back into the real world and having to deal with reality again. He probably genuinely feels horrible, but that’s not your fault.
I was told that it takes months for addicted brains to settle down and normalise. They also probably feel that they deserve to be given the world because they are not using at the moment.
It’s great that you are in a better position than you were when your son was on the streets, I honestly don’t know how you got through that. You need to prioritise your family and recharge your own batteries. Its hard but try not to feel guilty, you didn’t encourage him to take the drugs. We have to be there for them when we can but also live our own lives.
Hi Teresa,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I have no idea how you keep going and being a strength for your husband. Its very hard to cut off from our children’s problems, but reading on this forum makes me realise that there comes a point where you have to take care of your own health and mental wellbeing. Watching your husband struggling with dementia is more than enough for anyone to cope with. I hope that you have other family/friends that support you. Sometimes just being able to get out of your house and have someone else cook for you is enough to recharge your batteries.
Take care x