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Hi Safeinbed,
I have only just read your story, I’m so sorry. I had never thought in terms of 20 years of this, and how draining that must be. I hope that you’re feeling a bit better. I know that feeling of not being able to face work and sometimes just not being able to make really basic decisions. I try not to think about the future too much, that would raise too many questions and I’m lucky that there are no kids involved or partner. I think about the people on this forum everyday and I wish that we didn’t have this going on in our lives.
I started going to work meetings again this week and met with a friend who knows what’s going on, it helped a lot. This has been so much worse because of lockdown. I feel like my son’s problems became the only thing I thought about. I really hope you have a friend who will be there for you and that your son sees the light, if only for his children.
I hope that everyone has a peaceful weekend and that things are improving xxx
Hi Catsmum I am so sorry that you are going through this, the gambling one is not something I had had to go through with my son. On top of the using it must bring so much more stress and worry. I hope that he starts to see the light, and that things get easier.
Hi,
I hope everyone is okay. I got home tonight and my son had cooked a lovely meal, and hung around to eat. That’s the most positive thing that’s happened in weeks.
I have thought about everyone on here a lot this week and how hard it is.
Bump I really hope that things are still going in the right direction for your son. I know it’s a very hard road for him.
Lindyloo I hope things are back on track for your son, he seems to know what he wants, and I guess they have to relapse to learn how not to.
68862 I hope your okay, I’m really sorry to hear about your situation. It’s hard when our kids have had good lives and then lost it. My son says he wakes up crying thinking about all he has lost. It doesn’t make the problems go away though.
I hope that we all have a good weekend without any drama
Hi,
I hope everyone is okay. I got home tonight and my son had cooked a lovely meal, and hung around to eat. That’s the most positive thing that’s happened in weeks.
I have thought about everyone on here a lot this week and how hard it is.
Bump I really hope that things are still going in the right direction for your son. I know it’s a very hard road for him.
Lindyloo I hope things are back on track for your son, he seems to know what he wants, and I guess they have to relapse to learn how not to.
68862 I hope your okay, I’m really sorry to hear about your situation. It’s hard when our kids have had good lives and then lost it. My son says he wakes up crying thinking about all he has lost. It doesn’t make the problems go away though.
I hope that we all have a good weekend without any drama
Maxheadroom – that brings back awful memories of going days without hearing anything and constantly looking at google hangouts and whatsapp to see if my son had been online. My imagination used to work overtime and I’d be so relieved when he turned up. He would be chatty and then ask for money, we went on like that for ages. Once I tracked him down to a horrible squat, and he was really cross that I had gone there. Like someone else has said, my son had a great job and social life, it makes no sense.
Thinking of everyone on this site, there are so many people struggling, it saps all of the joy out of life.
That’s amazing, your family must be so happy to see you doing this. Giving up alcohol as well must be tough going, its so hard to escape it, with it being everywhere.
I hope this continues to go well for you, and thanks again for being so candid about your own experiences.
You seem to have really turned your life around in a short space of time. You may not want to say, but was it one thing that made you decide that now is the time and that you couldn’t go on the way you were?
Your story sounds very similar to my son’s, his dad was a very angry person who couldn’t control his temper. They are both stubborn people but my son is quite a gentle soul very into art and music.
He is very sure if his own rightness because he’s read so much and heard so many podcasts. He also genuinely thinks everyone should make all the allowances in the world for him to sit in his room all day. He will ask for stuff from the shops or a lift to get weed. If anyone criticises him it’s them being unreasonable. There is little gratitude for anything. He sat with us to eat on his birthday the other day but didn’t really want to. He just says that he is only here with us because it’s lockdown, forgetting that he pays no rent or food. As I’ve said all his cash goes on drugs.
He thinks recovery is just about getting off drugs but I think he needs to relearn how to live normally with the usual give and take of life. He does want to try getting clean again and I am sure the 12 step program would help him. I will talk to him when he’s more receptive. Thanks again for your thoughts and for being so open about your own experiences.
Hi Dan I feel more positive after reading your post. My son had never injected, he always smokes it, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am for that. He had never engaged with services, mental health or AA, because he reads constantly so has all the info but none of the counselling or accountability that would come with AA or similar. He is a lovely guy.
Thanks Danman, your story gives me hope. You’ve done so well, I know it’s very hard and something you have to think about every day. My son has got clean and relapsed a few times. His life now is so different from what it was, great job, own flat, now he’s in our spare room, which is a bit of a tip most of the time. All of his cash has been going on cannabis to help him with coming off heroin. Now his cash is split between cannabis and heroin. He’s not violent or horrible and he’s never stolen from us but I’m not sure letting him stay has helped him. Even fir the months he was off heroin he was just zonked out on cannabis. I just feel so sad about the whole thing. It’s hard to find any joy in life when you have your adult child in a dark room wasting his life. I know he wants to get clean but only if he can sit in his room and get his support off Reddit. My son doesn’t like engaging with my partner and I worry that this is why he keeps to his room. I wonder if he’d be different if it was just the 2 of us living together. I know he feels a lot of shame. I feel very guilty if this situation is making things worse. His dad is useless and doesn’t understand how bad things are. They haven’t seen each other for about 2 years. It’s very hard for everyone on here, and very good of you to help us to understand how it feels on the other side of this situation.
Hi Maxheadroom,
It’s definitely worth reading but is hard going. It is about heroin addiction, which might not be part of your son’s problems. There’s another good book called The Addicted Brain written by a neuroscientist who had their own addiction problems.
I can’t believe how little support there is for parents going through this when it’s affecting so many families. We really are left to just muddle through.
I hope everyone has a peaceful BH Monday.
Thanks Bump for your words of encouragement. I hope that you are sleeping better and enjoying life being calmer. I guess you’ll also have the uneasy feeling we are all used to living with even when things improve.
I know that my son wants to get clean again, I just don’t think right now he has the energy to go through withdrawals and then all the insomnia that goes with getting clean. Today was a good day and we enjoyed the sunshine in the garden together for an hour, which felt like a small win.
Thinking of everyone on here, I hope today was okay x
Hi,
I’ve been reading the posts on this thread, and they are heartbreaking, also very familiar.
Danman – it’s really good to hear your experiences, and it does give me hope for my son who is addicted to heroin and has just relapsed after about 6 months clean. My heart breaks for him because he tried so hard and now he just isn’t in the right headspace to go through withdrawals but I hope this is temporary.
The reason for posting is that Danman mentioned a book that’s worth reading, Mum Lend Me Twenty Quid. It’s a really tough read. I bought it 4 years ago when I first found out about my son’s problems. The woman who wrote it started a charity called Drugfam and they have a helpline which for me has been a really good source of support when things have got really bad. They have helped me to get perspective and to set boundaries. I think we are all pretty used to not talking about these problems with friends and family, but sometimes you just need to blub down the phone to someone who understands.
Today was a good one for me, I got my son outside for an hour in the sunshine, which felt like a small victory. I hope that you all had some peace today.
Hi J48 I’m so sorry for you and your son over your loss. I really hope that in time you can both look to a happier future. From the things you’ve said your husband loved you both very much. I agree that there is some kind of darkness in addicts that needs to be addressed for them to get better. For that they need professional help. Men can be so proud and stubborn and seem to find it hard to reach out and open up. You sound amazing and would have been a huge comfort to him.
God bless you both.
Hi GFB91 and Holcat.
I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear both your stories. My problems are very different from yours, I have a son who is a drug addict, and get loads of support on another thread.
I was the daughter of a lifelong functioning alcoholic, and it was our family’s dark secret. It’s a terrible thing for anyone to live with. My dad had a stroke at the age of 78 having downed a mixture of beer and whiskey. He never wanted a drink after that and was never confronted with what he had put our family through.
My advice is that if you can find the strength go now. It probably is their best chance of facing up to their addiction. You could waste years of your life on this and there is no guarantee things will change. If they change then that’s amazing and you can be there to support them. The thing that happened in our family is that it diminished everyone. My mum to this day is in her own world and I became drawn to men I thought I could fix.
Holkat- you are having to look after step-children, with all of this going on. He is very lucky to have you but he’s sick and needs to get help so that he can be a decent father and partner.
The other thing is to talk to friends and relatives that you trust. Don’t let it be a secret, it will help if others know what you are dealing with and if your partners know that family/friends know about it.
Sorry if my advice sounds simplistic, I find my own problems with my son very difficult right now and it’s helped me to think about someone else, it’s always harder when you’re on the inside so please talk to other people.
I really wish you both all the best, and that if you decide to leave, you get the support you need.