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Hi Jenny,
I know there is supposed to be a link with ADHD, which is common in boys, and I think my son probably suffers. He did very badly at school but was brilliant with computer programming, so at 17 was working for a big corporation earning good money. He was obsessed and really wanted to do it, we worried he was too young, but he had no other options that he would look at and didn’t want to do A levels. He worked very hard and then got burned-out at around 24. He has only just told me that he had a coke habit at 22, which I had no idea about. I guess that was the start and he progressed from there. Until then he was the sensible one in his circle, he had a nice car, no license points, didn’t drink when he went out – it makes it so hard to think of all of that and where we are now.
I’m sorry you’re feeling crap, you are probably so tired from all of this, and I think as Mum’s we always have a sense of feeling there is more we could do even when we are on our knees. You have to protect your youngest so in a way that decision is almost made for you and I don’t think you should feel at all guilty.
I think the relationship with their biological dads is key to a lot of this. My ex told my son that he and his new partner have lots of bbq’s and he’d like to invite him but doesn’t want his friends asking him how many copies of the Big Issue he’s sold (as in ‘you look a mess’), which is something that he has not forgiven him for – was just a stupid thing to say.
There is a great book called ‘In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts’ that talks a lot about family relationships in drug addiction. I read it a few years ago when all of this started for us. I couldn’t make up my mind if it’s slightly over simplifying the causes of addiction but there is other really useful stuff in there as well – its worth reading.
I hope that your son still has somewhere to sleep and you can at least not have to deal with him being their at night. I was worried about where mine was last night, but it was also good to have a night off. I can’t bring myself to look at his room at the moment.
Hi Bump22,
I am sorry, I missed this message when it came through.
I hope that your son’s assessment went well, it sounds like a great opportunity if he will go for it. I know what you mean about them just being left as a shell. I looked into my son’s eyes before he went off and they were so dark and full of anger and despair. I don’t know where my son spent last night, but I got a message at 2.30 to say he would be back today, but I think that is unlikely somehow. He doesn’t really like my partner and blames the relationship for all of this. I suppose in the back of my mind I worry that if I was on my own with him, things may have been different, as he is different when its just the 2 of us. He also has no relationship with his dad. He and I split when my son was about 23.
Its hard to see a way forward.
My son has gone away for the night to a shared house he used to live in. I am so tired and relieved that he isn’t in the house tonight, but I am worried about him. He looked like he was on something when he went and took his expensive laptop which he needs if he is going to work again. His train journey has 2 changes, so lots to go wrong, without even thinking about who he’s meeting.
Bump22 I think that girls using heroin is less common than with boys. As Jenny said, boys do seem to bottle things up to a greater degree.
Jenny- it’s so sad to read the last paragraph of your post. I looked at my son’s face today for traces of the lovely boy he used to be. I guess people can surprise us and change their behaviour, I’m just trying to hold on to that thought.
I understand that, last night you knew that your son had somewhere to stay but as you say the problem hasn’t gone away. It sounds like you have put up with this for years, I can’t begin to imagine that. My son has been away in a city for the last few years living in a room in a big shared house where he was able to hide his habit until last Christmas. He has only been here with us since lock-down. When he first came back we didn’t know he was back on heroin – which was really stupid and naive. We organised him a flat near to us, and then found he was increasingly hard to get hold of, with him making excuses for us not to pop round. Then of course I realised, I’d been here before. The flat ended up as a tip, so we cleaned it out and handed it back, that’s when he came to us. He doesn’t want to be here, we are just the last option, he has gone 7 weeks without heroin, and I am scared if he leaves us that will be the end and he will never be free of it.
I think with a younger child in the house it must be so much harder and you have to make decisions differently and keep yourself sane for their sake as well as your own. I can see why you’d be thinking about moving house. Lock-down must have been so difficult for you and your family, I hope you get some respite.
Bump22, I really hope that your son’s supported living place works out, that could be a real opportunity although I realise that you probably don’t allow your hopes to be raised easily.
Theresa – I hope you are having a proper break from what’s going on at home. That’s worth so much.
My son has taken too much of something and managed to cover himself and the kitchen in chocolate trying to make a cake tonight. It was almost funny if it wasn’t so sad.
I felt so alone until I found this forum – but I’m so sorry that you are also caught up in this hell. No one should have to live like this.
I’m so sorry that all of this has happened, especially with a younger child in the house. It is so hard to turn a child out, I am very scared of reaching that point, and having to face the fact that it really is down to them to fight for their own futures because no one else can do that for them. You’ve both been very strong in changing the locks; I am thinking about you x
I am so tired and just want to cry. Thank you for listening it really helps.
My son has worn out his welcome everywhere. The thing I find hard is that we live somewhere nice and there are opportunities for him. He just sits there in a mess with the blinds down. He won’t eat a meal with us or walk the dog. I feel that he sees not doing heroin as the end goal but will only look at chemical solutions to get him there. He is now on something that I think is similar to Xanax. He complains he is bored but can’t be coaxed to do anything other than to wonder out of his room to find food or drink.
I feel so bad for you, heroin is like a terrible curse on everyone involved. Do you know if your fiancé has a history of heroin abuse?
My son has been with us for 7 weeks, he is in his 30s and a recovering heroin addict. He smokes weed and takes tablets he buys online. He also has told me that his addiction is my fault and that he’d rather be dead. His room looks horrific and he hardly moves from his bed. I have not been able to get help but am also starting to think that him being sectioned would be the best way forward. He used to be so full of sunshine and generous to his friends. His eyes look dead now and I have become a tolerated inconvenience that he needs for money and food. He has lost most of his friends and I am so sorry for him, but feel he is dominating the house. I am clinging on to my job, just about. But I find it so hard to focus on anything. I’ve feel so sad for others in this situation, it’s not something you want to share with friends.
Have gone through this, its very hard to trust isn’t it, and so exhausting. I really hope things get better for all of you.