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Take care of yourself xxx
Hi Februarymarie, I really hope this is a blip and that your son sees how much better life can be sober. He’s proved to himself that he can do it, 4 months is a real achievement, so I’m sure he won’t stay down for long.
I feel for you, the disappointment and stress is awful, and I really hope things get better.
Jackie x
Kate: so not long after writing this, £500 turned up in my account from my son, which was a lovely surprise and a step in the right direction.
Have I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend xxx
Hi Everyone the enabling thing is so difficult. My son’s tenancy comes to an end next month, his dad and I have paid 7 months rent in the city where his better friends are. In that time he’s found good freelance work, met his deadlines and has slowly improved the state of the flat, which looked pretty horrific until about 2 weeks ago. Very little money has come back towards costs and he hasn’t shown me what he’s earning. He has cut down on heroin use and socialises with better people but won’t commit to engaging with services and attending meetings. His life is a lot better than 6 months ago and if we stop paying now all of those gains will have been lost. It feels like every spare penny goes on him. To really depress myself I downloaded my bank activity for last 3 years and the amounts that have gone to him are eye-watering. But I can’t have him living back here, it was really bad for him because he just lay on his bed all day and horrible for us. It almost feels worth paying to avoid that.
Joanie- That’s really good news about your son, I’m so happy for you, and it does give the rest of us hope. It’s lovely that he’s getting involved and helping his daughter.
I hope that your leg heals quickly, you’ve really been through the mill between your son and your own health problems. I hope that your son keeps going forward and you do enjoy your relationship again.
Bump – It’s great that you were able to go on holiday and not be so stressed. I’m sure in time your son will wake up to how amazing you’ve been and the impact his addiction has on your family.
Kate: I think of you and your son a lot. I know there must still be very dark days, but it’s so good that you have grandkids.
What you described with your son coming around in the middle of the night and threatening to smash the house up is terrifying (sorry if I misunderstood that). You know your own son and what is likely to happen, but if you think you are in danger from him you do need to act on that, and put your safety first.
I am really sorry to think of you dealing with this on your own, its hard to refuse them cash when they are stood in front of you demanding it, but they have no control and will take everything, and when its all gone.
If you live in a city there are family groups that mutually support each other, or online if there isn’t one where you live. Famanon list them and I think that Adfam and Drugsfam do as well. It doesn’t solve it but it somehow gives you strength to draw on when you are being worn down by all of this.
Good luck
Reading this is so sad, I’m really sorry that you are having such a tough time. I agree with everything that Penny has said. We still love our sons, but even in recovery, I don’t think they are the same people that they once were. Your son is in raging addiction, and what you are going through is awful. If you had no money you wouldn’t be able to help him, and if you carry on like this, its where you will end up. Collectively we’ve spent thousands and thousands propping up our kids and I don’t know how much it has helped.
Please get help for yourself, talk to Drugsfam, they have a great helpline and will help you to feel less alone and find a way forward. If you are in danger from your son, then you need to tell someone – don’t be afraid to let the Police know what is happening. There’s no easy answers because all of the support services seem to be overwhelmed right now, but we are here for you.
You are a really good person in an impossible situation. None of this is your fault. I only really know about heroin, but I’m starting to think that they are very changed people once they’ve gone down that road. I’ve also over-shared and cried at work, and regretted it, but you have to talk to someone. Please give Drugsfam a ring, adfam are also really good, they get you to see that you have to look after yourself. No one should have to live like this. Your son sounds really out of control and there’s nothing you can do for him until he wants to change. He’s hurting and lost and he’s hitting out at you when he talks about things your other children are meant to have said.
Your son is off heroin, which is good. Is he getting any support from the addiction agencies for his other issues?
I’m really sorry to hear about your mum as well, you need time and space to grieve. If you are not safe at home then you need to talk to someone. I am not sure where you start but maybe tell your doctor what’s going on and let them know that you are in danger.
Please keep going, we all need each other on this site. We are so much stronger together, listening and supporting each other. I wouldn’t have got through lockdown without it.
I’m sorry if this is disjointed, I’m on my phone and it’s not easy to scroll back. I may have repeated myself a lot.
I am thinking about you.
Hi Jennifer,
I was really sorry to read your message, and so many others that have been posted recently. I think you hit the nail on its head when you said that this is such a lonely life with an adult child in this situation. Its like been stuck in some sort of twilight world, where you only share the bear details with other people, you can’t plan to do anything because you don’t know what is going to be happening in a week or a month.
You didn’t say what drugs your son uses, but it sounds like he got himself into all of this at a very young age, which is heartbreaking.
I don’t know if you are getting any support but there is really good counselling available through Adfam and drugsfam has a really good helpline.
Like you, I feel like I have gone off the scale with stress and anxiety and it feels like there is no end to it.
My son is not living with me at the moment and although there are still problems and the whole situation could blow up at any moment it has been great to have a few weeks of relative normality.
Take care of yourself you will find lots of understanding people on this site.
Hi FebruaryMarie
I hope you and your son are doing okay. I have just been on the Famanon site and read the open letter to family. I find it helpful, it reminds me of everything I get wrong and how to try and do things differently.
You mentioned Ketamine, I know a little but not much. Its a psychedelic which is popular as a party drug, my son used it to put himself to sleep during heroin withdrawal. It is addictive and illegal to take recreationally in the UK, but it does look like there have been positive results from small medical trials using it to reduce alcohol abuse. It did say the trial involved heavy drinkers but not drinkers that are in treatment for alcoholism. You can google it and read for yourself but it seemed to be saying they were given a one-off or very few doses of it and that those in the trial that had been given ketamine reduced their drinking over a period of weeks by themselves. The researchers say that there needs to be further trials with more people being studied. It’s probably something to keep your eye on. There is a lot of work at the moment around psychedelics and ptsd/depression. In other countries it’s a legitimate treatment for getting off opiates, but has to be administered by an accredited clinic. My son looked at ibogaine treatment but his liver function test wasn’t good enough for him to be accepted for treatment in Portugal. I’m not sure how psychedelics work with addiction, maybe they shake up compulsive behaviour.
I wrote another post to you last night which didn’t make it on to the site, probably because I included links to the research.
Ivy, its good to hear from you and to know that your son is making progress. I have thought about both of you so often. Life sounds very tough, as you say, not many people end up with the life they hope for, but this must be very hard for you. Its good, as you say, knowing that your son is not roaming the streets at night, driven to putting himself in danger in order to buy drugs, must give you a degree of peace. Its also good that you can take him out of hospital for time together, that must help him so much, in having time with you doing normal things.
My son has moved back to the city that he was in before lockdown, and he is getting back with the friendship group that he had before drugs. My situation is now a bit like Jeanie’s, in that there is progress while I am here. Yesterday he went to a Smart recovery meeting, while I sat in a cafe nearby doing my work. He has an appointment with addiction services on Monday, so I will definitely stay to make sure that he goes. Over the bank holiday I wasn’t here, my partner and I were just about to go into a restaurant when I got a call begging for money and saying that he would kill himself if he couldn’t get heroin and stop withdrawing. It was awful, he was screaming at me, and completely out of his head. I have been here since then. I know that he wants to engage fully with services and start on a methadone script but I am concerned that in the back of his find he’s just trying to make heroin more economically viable. He has cut down a little bit recently but when I came back from being away there were empty bottles of spirits as well, so he is definitely substituting.
I watched the youtube video about Seattle, having lived with a heroin addict I can see how there is so much mess everywhere. I think in America their medical system has created a lot of their current opiate epidemic. Their doctors were financially motivated to prescribe Oxycontin and similar drugs, so many ordinary people that would never have tried street heroin became addicted, with the prescriptions being withdrawn if you went back to your doctor to tell them that you were developing an addiction – forcing so many then to find drugs on the street or dark web, ending up on heroin/fentanyl. I don’t think anyone has gone to prison over this scandal – from the pill prescribers to the pharmaceutical companies. It makes me so angry, even kids going to doctors with sports injuries got caught up in this. Sorry, I’ve gone off topic, but I believe this is why so many towns in America, especially in the rust belt are going through this.
The Codak centres look very positive in supporting addicts coming out of prison. I have no idea what would motivate someone who has lost everything and only has a friendship group of users, to get clean. It looks like an impossible task, and as you say, with only the hope of low grade accommodation and a horrible job, if you’re lucky. It takes so many people being on the side of the addict, providing support for them to have the will to make the changes and stay on track.
Sorry for rambling on, I hope things continue to improve and that your son can leave hospital soon.
I hope that everyone else is doing okay and has some peace in their lives.
There are so many stories like this on here, you are definitely not alone. Its very hard watching someone sitting there playing games all day. My son has a heroin problem and that is all he has done for the last few years. I am staying with him for a few days each week at the moment, and its frustrating to see his chances of a good life slipping away, he hasn’t really worked properly for a few years, just the odd short-term contract here and there. He had a brilliant job,earned good money and now its all gone, and he’s been on UC for the last few years. He now has a willing doctor who signs him off for 3 months at a time without really questioning what he is doing to help himself. I don’t think they do anything until life becomes really uncomfortable, its very hard to watch. My son blames everyone else for his situation, and has become very selfish.
All of this would be very hard to deal with in a marriage. My own experience has made me think that I would never put up with this from a partner but I know that things aren’t that straightforward.
Does he recognise that he has a problem that needs addressing?
I feel for you, its a horrible situation.
Many on here are supporting children going through addiction and will understand what you’ve said about feeling empty and not being able to cry anymore. If my son had a partner I wouldn’t blame them at all for walking away and making the decision the they don’t want that chaos in their life.
I think words are easy, addicts are full of promises that they probably hope to honour but when it comes to it, have no power to follow through with. If you can’t see real change and don’t want this life you should go. If I had a daughter living with an addict I’d be begging her to get out. It will hurt your husband but you didn’t cause this and you can’t solve it.
Ten years is a long time.
It’s not her pushing you away it’s the addiction. It’s so hard for you though. She doesn’t want to face up to it yet, but that day can come at any time. Somehow we have to stay sane and have lives of our own in the meantime. It’s so hard I know. All you can do is be there when she’s ready, and try not to be manipulated by what is driving her. You will get through it.
There is a really good thread on here of a group of mums supporting each other. It’s the Theresa thread, with zillions of pages of messages about our children. You’ll be very welcome there and will find a lot of support.
I hope your daughter wakes up and starts fighting for herself. It’s a horrible thing, addiction, and as parents we have very little power.
We are all in this together.
Hello,
Your story is so sad and hard to read, but so many people on this site will understand what you’ve been through and the helplessness you feel in not being able to stop your daughter from using.
From your email, I guess you are in America. We don’t really have fentanyl in the UK (thank goodness) or widely available rehab.
I made the mistake a while ago of letting my son use heroin at home, on the understanding that he was ‘working on it.’ He didn’t work on it at all, he cut down a little bit sometimes but nothing really changed and he just became further removed from real life.
I look back now and I should have enforced boundaries around using at home. It would have forced the situation but that would have made him confront it earlier on. Once they are using its an uphill battle to get a good outcome and you have to protect yourself and the rest of your family. You didn’t make your child start using drugs, and you/we can’t solve this for them either. Its something they are going to have to confront and manage for the rest of their lives. I read a lot of threads on Opiates Recovery on Reddit, and there are lots of good outcomes, but I don’t think this is ever very much to do with their parents, its about them really wanting to do it for themselves. That thread on Reddit could be a really good support for you, its a really good place to go and ask your own questions to people that have been through addiction or are going through it now.
Your world is very different from ours because fentanyl is so potent and its easy to overdose. I really do feel for you and the fear that you must live with because of this.
When I first got in touch with a help organisation when I first found out about my son and his heroin use, about 5 years ago, they told me to have strong boundaries, not to live too close to my son, and to focus on my own life. I managed to ignore all of it, and during Covid I let him take complete advantage and his presence cast a real shadow over our lives. I used to think that they were very harsh on my son, but now I think its realistic. You need to be the best you can be for your family and to help your child when she wants your help to get her life back. I look at the permanent stress, money I’ve spent, time I’ve wasted, and other family that I’ve not supported in the meantime and its not really done anything.
I am not sure if that has been helpful, but please protect yourself and your family.