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Joanie, it’s really good news that you are home and your son is doing well. You’ve been amazing but it’s good you are back in your own home.
My son is in a flat about 80 miles away, he registered with services straight away and the signs are good but there’s loads to go wrong. I have been back with my partner and in the office for 6 days and will go back next week to see how he’s doing. I’m not getting my hopes up but having a bit of distance has been good.
I hope everyone has a peaceful Mother’s Day, it’s a pretty low bar when all we want is a drama free day.
Kate – I’m thinking of you x
Ivy – Its really good to hear from you, I have thought a lot about you and your son. His injuries sound terrible and you had already been through so much with him even before he received his head injuries.
Please take care of yourself in all of this xxx
Joanie – I hope that your son is still doing okay on his own, its great that he is socialising. You mentioned counselling for my son, he has had some and probably will do some more hopefully once he gets back into services. He hasn’t worked for 2 years and has too much time on his hands. He obsesses over slights and is very judgemental of other people without putting much expectation on himself. I am trying to get him to volunteer, I don’t think anyone got better by playing computer games and watching TV all day. I am back in my house at the moment but travelling back to his on Thursday. Its tricky with work but hopefully it will get easier. Its going to work or not, but I think I have to give this a try.
I meant to say thank you for your words of encouragement. I am also praying for all of us and our sons xxx
Thanks Lindy I appreciate this may sound a bit extreme, part of it is a out him being in an area where they offer a good home detox for opiates to manage through withdrawals.
I know this is a silly question but do you need to be fully clean to go to NA? With heroin you can’t just stop and I can see it being at least a month to get to the point you can have a supported detox but it would be good if he could make connections with NA now while he’s motivated.
I hope that you are all having a relatively peaceful weekend, despite our sons and what’s happening in the world.
I’ve got my son settled in a flat in the city he was living and working in before lockdown. I have committed to 6 months and will stay with him for part of each week. He has promised to engage properly with services and NA, which are a lot more accessible than where I live. Today he has got dressed in decent clothes and gone to visit some of his old (non-druggy) friends, which feels like a big step forward.
I can’t go back to living with him just sat in a bedroom where I live but this does have an end date of September. I am trying to make him as accountable as I can for looking after the space here, so far he’s cooked for the last 3 nights which is a start.
I know this could end up being a waste of time and money, but I feel I have to try. If he doesn’t take this opportunity and work at it I will withdraw my support because I am not sure what I can do beyond this.
I know that this could end in disaster, but I need to know that I have tried.
Hi Joanie,
It was really good to read your message, things sound a lot more positive.
Its probably really good for your son to recognize your needs and to understand that you need to be able to spend time in your own home without having to worry that everything will spin out of control if you do. It does sound like he is trying to help himself as well, I hope and pray that things have tuned a corner and that life will be calmer.
I am still staying with a friend, my son is still staying in his room just playing computer games and doing whatever else he’s doing. I managed to have a conversation with him yesterday about the sleeping tablets he is taking and how much they change his behavior. He is using them to cut down on heroin which he has been doing. I just wish he’d do it with professional help.
I feel very stuck, we can only stay here for another week. I can’t take my son back to my partner. My son really blames my partner for hitting him although my son launched himself at him in the night and I can understand why my partner reacted. It all started with a total misunderstanding but my son was under the influence and it escalated.
There are a couple of options none of them easy, and I just feel like my brain has can’t make decisions. I hope that things become clearer.
I hope that everyone has a restful day.
Thank you for your kind words. I felt exhausted and defeated yesterday but a bit stronger today, whatever my son was using seems to have finally run out. I just feel that in our family things have been said between my son and partner that can’t be unsaid, I just don’t know where we go from here. I really wish he would go to rehab I think it would help him so much, but he has his own ideas about getting off and is going to have to reach this conclusion in his own time.
Bump – I am really happy that your son is making progress in rehab and that you have this time to recharge a little. At least if he’s agreed to go to rehab he is trying to address it, that must give you hope.
Februarymarie – that must have been so frightening, especially when there is no sign of your son wanting to stop at the moment. I know that we have to find a way of living with this and trying to find some joy but like you, I don’t know how you do that. Its crushing to watch your child doing so much damage to themselves.
Deb C – I am sorry to hear about your mum, you need time and space to grieve. I hope your son gets back on track, its lovely when you come home and they are up and about and doing things to help out, especially when its not followed by a request for cash – sorry I’m becoming cynical 🙂
Joanie – I keep thinking about you and your situation, I hope your son is continuing to get stronger and is getting back into his work. I hope you managed to get your hair done and hopefully go home for a few days. I’ve thought a lot about this, probably because I think this is what I will have to do. Maybe the deal should be that you tell him there is no point you continuing with this if he isn’t able to manage for a couple of days without you, and then maybe try and lengthen the visits. You can’t do this indefinitely, its no life.
Lindy – I also cried when I read your message, thank you for the encouragement. Your son is doing so well, and that does continue to give us all hope.
Thinking and praying for all of us xxx
Hi February Marie I’m so sorry that things are so bad. It’s unbearable to see your child in that state and still not willing to accept help. I have no answers about how we are supposed to deal with this. I hope that he does have a change of heart when he’s been detoxed, although I know from experience it doesn’t work like that.
Things are very bad here also, my son is taking something that makes him agitated. There was a disagreement with my partner which ended up getting physical and things were said that can’t be unsaid. I had to get my son out because he was so unstable I was scared of what was going to happen next. We are staying with friends who know a bit about his problems. He is staying in his room only coming out once or twice a day and slurring his words. It’s like he’s drunk but I’m not sure what he’s taking. He has also contacted family and a friend of my partner to tell them he’s been assaulted. This is also someone I work with. I am so stressed!
Joanie – I think your mission for today is to go and find a hairdresser, a nice one where they take their time and give you coffee. I am also in Wales right in the middle, and drugs and addiction services are really not great. I have been trying to find out how many rehab places are funded by our local authority but everyone’s very tight-lipped. I really hope that your son keeps going in the right direction and that you can get back to your own life. You need to be able to go home for at least a few days at a time.
Nanny ger – I feel that all I’ve really done is enable my son, the alternative looks right in principle but it’s those small incremental decisions that allow this mad way of living to become the norm, then I guess it’s so hard to get normal boundaries back in place. I often think about what I would do differently if I had the last 6 years again, as I guess we all do.
Bump – I hope that your son has stayed in rehab and that you have some time to relax and get your breath.
Thinking of everyone on here xxx
Hi Joanie,
I thought of you this morning and then your message popped up. You have been amazingly good to your son. He is very lucky to have you and I appreciate why you would feel you should stay as he is making such good progress while you are there. I know roughly where you are in Wales, but am not sure how far from there you live. Would it be possible to start going home for a few days a week and coming back again. I think you said in one message that your son was spending time at your house. I guess if your son’s relationship with your husband isn’t great it might be less stressful for you to go there. You are caught in a double bind because he obviously has a good job and that is one of the things that will really help him back to normality. Everything got so much worse for us when my son lost his job. He hasn’t worked now for nearly 2 years and will struggle when he does go back to the workplace. Do you ever have a conversation with your son about how all of this is impacting on your life? I know its a small thing, but try and get out and find a hairdresser, you need to hang on to you.
We had an interesting start to our day, my son and my partner came to blows over something really silly but everything came to a head. He has reduced his heroin usage but is using sleeping tabs to help with the side effects, these turn him into someone I don’t really know. Strangely heroin doesn’t do that. I am under pressure to move to another part of the country to help my son get his life back together. I see the benefits for him in being back near friends, but he is no where near ready for that. I am scared about hanging on to my job as its hard to now argue to manage things via Zoom when everyone else is heading back to the office.
I hope everyone is okay and staying strong. At least the sun is shining today and its not raining.
Hi I hope things are as okay as they can be. My son has been away for over a week staying with friends. He stormed out after we had a difficult conversation about renting flats. It felt like such a weight was lifted especially as he was going to stay with people that don’t have the same problems he has. While he was away I started to feel normal again and didn’t dread waking up in the morning. Today he came back and our first conversation ended with him asking me to leave his room because of something I said. I had tried to not say anything inflammatory and just felt angry that he can feel so unaccountable while expecting everyone else to be perfect. I feel angry I’m back here with the worry and fear and relentlessness of addiction dominating every thought. Rant over, sorry.
Joanie – I hope things are better with your partner. Your situation sounds exhausting if you are splitting your time between your son’s home and yours. I can understand why you are doing that but it’s very tough on you.
Nannyger. I’m really sorry, I can hear the exhaustion in your messages. I pray that all our sons see the light at some point and turn their lives around. Take care x
Lindy – It’s really good that your son is doing well. He sounds amazing, I know there will still be bad days and you probably still worry like crazy but it’s good for us to know it can happen.
Hi James my situation is similar to everyone here. My son is 31 and has been using heroin on and off for 5 years.
He hasn’t stolen from me but all his cash goes on drugs and he regularly asks for money from me making it very hard to say no.
I read your post and it stopped me in my tracks. I just wondered what changed things for you, that got you to turn your life around and also kept you on that journey? It’s one thing to decide to get clean but seems like a monumental task to stay on that path. Thanks again for your honesty, it helps so much to hear from people who are on the other side of this.
Hi Joanie, I do get your predicament, and how you want to help support your son to keep his job. My son stopped working at the start of Covid and everything spiralled after that. Adfam offer a few free one to one counselling sessions, it might be worth talking to them. I found that really helpful.
As Georgie said Gabor Mate’s book is really good for getting the addicts perspective. For me, the one that helped most of all was Understanding and Helping an Addict by Andrew Proulx. He was an addict and a doctor so sees it from both sides.
Does your son talk to any online support communities or engage with AA? They can be a great support system if he’s prepared to open up and talk to others about his problems?
I know none of this is easy, I wish there was a solution for all of us x
Joanie I’ve been thinking about you and your situation with your son. It’s so hard when you being there keeps him stable. You are giving up
So much to support him and if you go home you will be worrying about what is happening without you there.
You may have mentioned this, but is there any way he could move closer to where you live so at least you can be in your house but still keep an eye on your son? I know it’s not that simple.
The lack of funding for counselling and rehab is a big thing for all of us stuck in this situation. We can’t solve any of this and our sons probably can’t either without the right support.
If you want to be at home you should be able to do that without feeling guilty.
Have you had any counselling with someone who understands addiction?
Hi Joanie it’s really hard on you that your son uses the threat of relapse to keep you with him. He’s done well in getting to 8 weeks without a drink but I guess you’ve got your hopes up lots of times before. I know with my son, when he gets clean, it’s hard to enjoy it because I am looking out for the slightest hint of a relapse.
When I read one of your earlier posts you said your son is 50, until then it hadn’t occurred to me that this situation could continue for another 20 years or more.
I hope things get easier and you can enjoy life more on your terms x
Addiction services in Wales are very under-funded.