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Good for you. If only all husband’s was as motivated as you.
Hope things work out for you and your family
It’s a difficult situation, and still early days for you both. Keep doing what you’re doing, and I’m sure in time you can talk over some of this. I think it’s important to remember that although you perceive the lies as a way of dealing with panic, we have to keep in mind that other people might internalise that differently. None of us like to be lied too, and an acceptances of that will take your far. Sometimes it’s best to hold your hand up without putting a justification onto it.
Best of luck
Hi Zoe, after all that time with your guard up and then you allow your heart to be open – now this. Well, all I can say is try not to beat yourself up for that, it’s ok to have opened your heart, it shows your love for another person. You are not to blame here.
Unfortunately, lies, betrayal, and all the rest of it comes with the territory with this drug. I think what hurts the most, well from my perspective is the Betrayal! The break down in trust, and the idea that somehow”we are imagining things”.
God I was blamed, lied to, cheated on and so much more so I feel your pain.
He really needs to want to help himself, and that starts with being honest. If his actively used then the pull of that drug has probably got control of him. It’s awful, and I hate that drug.
It ruins people. Maybe you are his world, but at the moment he isnt in the “real world”. Sometimes they say they want to change but put little action into it.
Focus on you and your kids. Be kind to yourself and let him go sort himself out. Women are not rehabilitation centers for people with problems! You/ we deserve better
It sounds as though youre doing the right thing seeking medical support. After you’ve dealt with the physical withdrawals, I’d probably suggest that you begin to explore the driving forces behind why you used in the first instance and what triggers the depressive episodes. If it is caused by bodily pain then perhaps discuss this with your doctor, maybe pain management is what you might need.
You could also suggest counselling for you both, If you are both willing that is. Perhaps she needs some space right now – I’m sure lockdown doesn’t help. She may need to process everything that’s been learnt recently. It’s not easy to understand the lies when it comes to addiction, it’s still Betrayal and us humans, especially close loved ones don’t like that. Partly I think because our partners are meant to be the people we turn to – when that doesn’t happen I think we start to question things like trust, understanding and togetherness.
Best of luck
First off I’m sorry to hear yet another story that’s so very sadly destroyed by this drug.
His behaviour is unacceptable, and it’s definitely NOT your fault – how can it be? It’s a cop out classic line “nagging wives/ girlfriends” etc don’t fall for all that noise. This is deflection, avoidance and likelihood of a “come down”. This drug changes people into awful human beings, when once like you said a giving, kind man. Well that’s not him anymore whist on that drug. Sadly it’s best to separate the two – I’ve heard alot of people describe it as “Jekyll and Hyde”. It’s as though these people on drugs are so removed from who they are it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with them let alone conversations that make any sense.
None of this is your fault, and let’s face it how is getting off your face from that dangerously drug a good way to have “man time” it’s not and those people he does it with aren’t his friends either.
As for him getting another women, well then let him be someone’s else’s problem, as if he continues this way you will go down like a sinking ship with him. Plus, he is hardly going to meet anyone decent and maintain the relationship the way he is.
One day at a time. Try places like Al anon for support, and don’t do what I did which was trying to understand his behaviour/ things he says because it’s completely irrational. He isn’t of sound mind so none of it will make sense. They sit in a state of confusion. It’s a merry go round.
Focus on you now, lots of self soothe and care.
Codependency and intensity is what I’ve been dealing with for the last six months. I cannot believe how I relied on my ex for as much as I did. I feel a mix of emotion about that, fear, abandonment, insecure and so much more. I’m also frightened all of this will affect my future relationships, as in will I ever allow myself to fully trust another person. I don’t want to be a bitter person, but all of this has hurt me so much. I’m just despondant, different to how I was.
I’m pretty sure you’re right about them ever finding a loving healthy relationship whilst on that stuff. It’s all so destructive which has many layers of nasty.
I wouldn’t say it’s “excitement” they’re missing out on, it’s the inability to sit comfortably with themselves and live a healthy life.
One thing I do know when I was trying to understand it all I just felt insane. I had to remove myself from my ex in the end because he was really unkind/unrecognizable. By nature I’m a nice person and id always help him, despite what his done to us all, however I would not go back to that hell ever again.
I don’t think we will ever get closure or the answers we seek because what we are dealing with is an addict, and addicts are irrational, selfish, irresponsible, sick, manipulative, lying, selfish (oops said that’s already) cold, self centered unwell individuals.
Focus on you. Otherwise you’ll be going around and around in circles getting nowhere fast a part from making yourself unwell and as destructive as them.
Healthy people do not think, feel and behave the same way as an unhealthy person.
Big hugs
Thank you for those words of encouragement, and you’re right my ex has hurt me in the worse way, as well as his own children. I’ve cried and cried also to the point of exhaustion.
Addicts become very selfish and end up so unstable they couldn’t sustain any healthy relationship anyway so it’s impossible to see a future.
I’m learning to take care of myself instead of worrying about him and what he is doing. He doesn’t look healthy, he looks awful. By the time his madness ends, hopefully I will be strong enough (and have moved on) to tell him NO thanks.
My story is on here also and Ive gone through and still going thru hell. I was with my partner for 22 years, have two children and have been left absolutely heartbroken to the point It nearly destroyed me.
Mo 229 you speak with such strength and wisdom. I am still Mending my heart. My ex partner went from a wonderful loyal family man that adored us all to a monster. I don’t recognize him at all. It’s been six months and he doesn’t care, contact his children and has walked away, although in the end I asked him to leave. I had too. He cheated on me and this really broke my spirit. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
All I do is focus on getting thru one day at a time. At first I was sad every single day but now I have better days. At first I lost weight, my hair fell out and I was broken both my heart and my mind. I push forward but it’s so very hard every day.
Sending you both warm wishes and healing
That’s what I thought an all doctors will only refer under extreme circumstances, but usually signpost to services.
Kklost I hope things work out well for you all.
Warm wishes
Yeh me too actually. I don’t want to scare you and you shouldn’t be either because you have done nothing wrong, I’m talking from a professional point of view. Plus if it is a GP referral then that would mean the doctor would need an outcome. Did the doctor actually say he was going to refer you or did you offer that?
As brutal as it sounds like Daz said they’re only interest in the safety of kids. And they only go on facts, meaning evidence. So, education, home environment, kids emotional needs and any other form of neglect (from their perspective). If you say you want to help him etc (although I think that’s great) they will explore priority areas.
I agree with Daz on this one be very careful. I work closely with Children’s services. I’m in no way saying don’t access the service, but I am saying be very careful. He will Automatically be referred to a drugs service which will probably be the best thing, however that can go two ways. One positive where he engages well and attends the recovery programme or two it could apply pressure which could lead to relaspe/lapse. As part of treatment SS will probably want drug testing, but that’s even if it gets pass early help stage. Even then it could be something they request. Sadly that depends on location and social worker.
So long as you’re the protective factor you should be ok.
They also look at safety in terms of dealers etc.
I hope things go positively for you and you all get the wrap around support you need.
Take good care.
Ive read your post and it makes me feel really sad because sadly I’ve been through this myself and still going thru it.
When you say you don’t want to be here, I am assuming this situation? Although I get it, it’s so emotive that it can overwhelm you totally. Me and my now ex was together for 22 years and I loved him with all my heart. Sadly though we separated because of the lies, deceitfulness and all the negative behaviour that comes along with it. I’ve been lied to, cheated on, verbally abused and accused/blamed that it’s all my fault. In the end I had a break down hence why we ended.
I couldn’t function initially, however six months down the line I’m back to work. I’m not recovered as I think it will take years.
COCAINE destroys people, it changes them into a pit of never ending destruction.
Try to detach if possible, talk to friends and family, please don’t isolate yourself as this is his shame and not yours.
There is no point reacting to an addict active in it because it’s like hitting your head against a brick wall. They will lie and lie and lie.
None of this is your fault. You can ask him to see his GP and steer him in the direction of his local Drug service but in honesty he has to want to get help himself.