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Oh well in that case try not to hold to high expectations as to a response.
Maybe you do deserve to have your say and express what’s on your mind. Do you feel better for it? Now maybe, but if no response Tomorrow, next week, next month will you feel liberation? Probably not, you’d probably internalise that and blame Yourself and this is the behaviour that comes with loving an addict.
So long as you hold no expectations you’ll be fine.
As for being over things.. I think we just learn to carry pain around on our backs and the shoulders widen!
One thing I know about life is it can change every day as long as you give it a chance. Feelings change, thoughts ain’t always true and life goes on no matter how crappy it gets.
You Haven’t caused anything. I understand that’s easy for me to say, but I’ve learnt that we don’t hold that power.
No human likes to feel as though they’ve been rejected, perhaps somewhere in the corners of our minds it’s pride that might be at play here.
In my opinion addicts all return licking their wounds until the next merry go round. Jump off that crap!
Honestly I broke down after so long and it’s taken me a long time to recover and I’m not the same person I once was.
Come on. I think thats definitely the unresolved parts of you saying all this right now. Don’t ever regret having a voice and communicating yourself in the way you feel you need too.
Simply put you can’t communicate effectively with an active user anyway so whatever you said probably had no bearings on his current behaviours or decisions.
You’ve made him important and that’s ok, but the danger is have you made him more important than yourself?
And what’s so wrong in being selfish? We need our needs met also and people on the other end of addicts always get the raw deal so nah you ain’t being selfish, you’re just trying to state what it is you want/need from a healthy point of view.
You really don’t want to delve into the minds of an addict, take that from me.
Try separate him into two people – the addict and then him. At some point you will realize the addict is more present than the person you once knew. That way you can hopefully find some coping strategies to manage “the behaviours”.
Always remembered what that drug does, it changes people completely – don’t go with him.
It’s difficult I understand that. I think sometimes we sit in our own expectations of how we would like things to be, and that sounds as though you’ve found comfort in the ways he has supported you previously.
We all know there’s little we can do to pull them out of the darkness they find themselves in, and although he has helped pull you through previously you was present In all that too. What I’m saying is you can be there for him whenever he may contact but he has to be also. He has to be willing otherwise everything else is just words. Words are one thing, but action is another and often people in active addiction often fall short of this one as the pull of that drug is far to strong.
I think many COCAINE users sit in a state of confusion, as honestly it’s the brain chemistry that is unbalanced.
Letting go of something you love isn’t easy, but I guess you have to be mindful of what it is you are letting go of and what you are holding onto.
Of course you can be there for him, but don’t forget to be there for yourself also, because otherwise you will end up bit by bit losing yourself.
I am trying to send a reply but this site plays up sometimes. I’ll keep trying
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Cocaine induces mood swings, specifically triggering depression. His mental health will improve when/if he stops the drugs.
The thing with most addicts is that they chase the highs, and avoid the lows which is why they take so much of this stuff and it leads to heavy use.
In my opinion cocaine will always win hands down, now he may well come back but what version of him comes back is anyone’s guess. You sound as though you don’t want to lose him, and what’s more worrying is that you want him to come back, despite what his putting you through.
Do you think you need some space now. Have you spoken to anyone else about what’s been going on so you can get some outside perspective? I don’t know you but I do think you’re a wise young lady.
You deserve better than this. Remember it is the drugs that influence his behaviour, but they do have choices and are fully aware of that.
He attends CA to shut people up! Wow that’s definitely not a reason to access support, and definite doesn’t indicate he is anywhere near wanting to stop. If anything he sounds rather defensive which is another sign that he is deflecting/avoiding his problems.
Trying to communicate effectively with any addict is hard work. Sometimes people are so entrenched in active addiction, which leads to them doing what they want, when they want and how, regardless of what we say or do.
I’m sure leaving things as they are might not sit to well with you, however could things get better or worse?
Do you accept that you/we have no power over them and their addiction.
It feels powerless, but eventually I had to swallow that I had no power whatsoever. This mean over their thinking, decisions, behaviours etc. In other words you might not get the outcome that you want or need. Things could get worse.
I remind myself I am not responsible for any of what they do or say either – I take zero blame for anything that’s spouts from their Mouths.
The only thing we can really do is set good healthy boundaries for ourselves and move the hell on.
You sound supportive, however there is nothing we can do unless they want the help and I’m sure you know that already.
£600 is enough to fry his brain which explains an awful lot about him being unable to care for anything.
When you said about him being sort of normal four times in three years that really resonated with my story, and it’s really bloody sad! Because simply put that’s the reality of what that devil drug does to a person. It literally transforms people, like you say “intelligent” and now they are left as a shell – they probably look inward at themselves and sit in a state of confusion. But saying that they still go and “pick up”.
Is he going to any CA meetings? They are all active and online as are all the local services.
Definitely focus on yourself and move on. You could be waiting forever and no amount of ultimatums, demands or love can change that. I wish it was that simple.
He has to hit his rock bottom and then the basement and then some before he decides to change.
All this about being a “life girl” sounds a bit like manipulation to me but then again what do I know.
As much as you love him, you have to realise that HIM is gone, the cocaine him is very much active and he won’t be able to be what you want and I think he has said that. I’d believe him and try to get some support for yourself.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, however be cautious about what he is saying as he is right he is in no fit state to start a life with anyone.
Cocaine literally changes people’s personality and the downs are typically of the misuse of this substance. People often fall victim to depression as it’s induced by that drug.
I absolutely hate that drug it ruined my family and nearly destroyed me.
Focus on you as you deserve so much better.
This journey he has to walk alone and it could takes years
He probably does which implies he has no respect.
Rehab isn’t the hard part abstaining is the difficulty.
The problem is people think rehab will fix them when it doesn’t . Recovery is lifelong meaning they will have to work hard all their lives to maintain Being abstinent.
It might be that you don’t like it and don’t want him doing it, I mean who does right! But… It’s what we/you are doing in terms of showing him you don’t want it. Unfortunately not you or I or anyone else can make the changes for them, they have to want to stop themselves and at the moment it doesn’t sound like he does
If you guys have no children, and are unmarried etc id definitely prepare ending this relationship because believe me it don’t get any easier if they don’t make a commitment to change.
Cocaine destroys lives. Don’t lose yourself in that chaos as it can quite literally destroy you.
Because he doesn’t care and not all addicts hide it from others. That depends on the boundaries the people he don’t mind knowing has.
Simply put he doesn’t give too craps about hiding and or lying.
I can assure you that not all addicts will hide their using behaviours if it is so that they can get away with it.
I’d probably look at your boundaries and question as to whether or not they are healthy.
Sounds like he is A typical of an addict. The behaviours you describe is fitting, however I’m sure drugs are not an “all fits one” as in it would be unfair to state that they all act the same.
Saying that tho the behaviours you are describing is pretty similar to many stories I’ve read, in regards to cocaine.
Cocaine is a stimulant, so the “leading up to” is like the hunt, then the “not caring” is the kill so to speak. It’s a come down. I’d suggest reading a bit more about the affects online and and YouTube so you can explore other views and not just on these threads.
Sadly I understand only to well. Cocaine changes them into monsters. From loving, loyal friendly people into monsters. Sadly that drug always seems to win! It’s literally the devil drug.
I also get how you’ve lost yourself in all of this, it’s heartbreaking but only too common. If you read many posts on here I’m sure you’ll be able to relate and recognize the behaviours of a cocaine addict.
I would not go down the road of believing what he says to you, as you are definitely not to blame for anything! It’s all to avoid him actually taking any responsibility himself.
As for what the counsellor stated that isn’t entirely correct! Cocaine don’t make you have an affair that’s ridiculous, however any mind altering substances will affect a person’s decision making, but they are still fully aware and conscious of what they are doing! Any addict will tell you that.
Although it take ordinary people and transforms them they are still in their own minds.
It’s always about lies, blame, betrayal and so on as it’s so destructive and sadly will get worse if they don’t make changes and fast. Plus they have to stick with it, because otherwise relapse occurs. That’s a different story altogether.
Focus on you, as believe me it will get even worse. I had a break down over what I went through, and six months on I’m still not myself. It’s soul destroying!
Al Anon can help tho so do try this service
I think perhaps you need to refocus on you now and learn ways to look after yourself better. People will have differing views on this, however NOTHING makes you have an affair unless you want one. Think about it, how many decisions would have to go through your mind when having an affair and at any time did he end/stop it.
What I will state about addiction is that blame is all so common practice for an addict. I’m surprised he hasn’t blamed you yet. If he does please do not listen to the noise.
COCAINE is a stimulant and floods the brain with dopamine, which can lead to hightened senses etc. Try doing some research about the substance online, which can give you some information about the typical behaviour of a coke addict.
Try Al Anon also they help families affected by substance misuse.
There really is no excuse for an affair! There are different types of infidelity, but personally I think there all bad, however if this is a full blown affair then there is nothing other than HIM that chose this regardless of how high on drugs he was.
Look after yourself now.