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Al Anon are a good service to take a look at if you are wanting to learn ways to live alongside an Alcoholic. Totally recommend their programme.
Best wishes.
I absolutely think you have every right to feel exactly what you are feeling. Like anything, at first those feelings are intense, then gradually we begin as people to process them.
I’m so sorry you’ve been going through hell. Cocaine is literally the “devil drug”. Absolutely ruined my family and transformed my ex into something I don’t recognize, as you’re right it completely changes their personality.
Think it’s a fair move for her to go have some space at her father’s, and for you also to “breathe” and deal with everything that’s been going on, including your bereavement, which by the way I’m very sorry.
It sounds like you need to focus on you for a bit. If your daughter has given the coke up then that’s good, however she probably needs to take responsibility for everything that’s happened, and how she treated you and in time maybe she will.
You’ve kept her safe all her life and done your best so I’m sure she will come to her senses. She’s probably carrying some shame, guilt and embarrassment around with her which will highten her emotional state.
Might be worthwhile reading about the affects cocaine has on the brain. I learned alot – YouTube is a good place to start. It kind of explains the mood swings and changes in personality.
Al Anon is a good service also for families affected by substance misuse.
Best wishes and I’m here if you need to talk.
Yeh I understand that. I think it’s healthy to have some boundaries in place to protect yourself.
You have to do what is right for you.
You could show him the recommended gov guideline which can be found online then compare it to the levels of alcohol he consumes. This can be a way to invite him to explore his drinking problem.
You could ask why he drinks, and when he responds like ” to chill out” that implies an issue as it indicates one needs a drink to relax etc.
It’s really difficult for you Broaching a discussion like this because often people in addiction might be in denial, fearful and or somewhat unsure themselves, typically if they’ve never had any kind of support previously.
It’s hard to know what to suggest as you’ve not really said much about the situation.
Try Al Anon for support as well, they help families affected by substance misuse.
On the homepage is lots of info. Plus your local Drug and Alcohol service near you. GP and AA meetings. Plenty of support about.
Best wishes
Hi Randall,
Oh what an absolutely heartbreaking story. Im so sorry you are going through this I really am.
Ok, so the hard part is that sadly they need to leave, and you need to detach from this emotionally. Easier said than done I know, however you run the risk of great danger to yourself and your child if you don’t. This includes, dealers, other users and external agencies like social services.
You need to focus on your unit. Now bare in mind your mum and dad have been drug users for many years and over them years they would have learned how to survive. They would have better skills than us surviving on the streets etc.
I think one way to look at it is if your mum isnt taking care of her physical health then what can you do? It is sad I know but unfortunately her drug habit, housing situation and health is her/their responsibility.
Please focus on you and explain that they have to leave immediately, and offer them an open line of communication, along with details of support services so they can get help with their addiction if they aren’t already.
Be brave and stay strong. You’ve done all you can, but you have to protect yourself and your child.
Al Anon are a good service also for families affected by substance misuse.
Best wishes and keep talking
You’re welcome anytime. Keep changing and look after you.
Hear if you need to talk
I hear you, although I wouldnt feel stupid – why so? How are you supposed to know how to manage this situation or play detective on people’s behaviours? We don’t get into relationships to accept this kind of crap!
All of the other behaviours, like laziness, poor attitudes, criticism, put downs, blame and the list goes on is all down to their inability to deal with their own problems! So we end up doing it for them!
Also, the “boredom thing” is just crap – that’s just an individuals inability to sit comfortably with themselves and be at peace! As in being comfortable in their own skin. Too many unresolved issues going on there, along with them running/escaping from themselves and the world around them. It’s simply cowardness as we all have crap to deal with but others prefer to self medicate. Then we form habits and poor coping strategies and addiction just gets harder!
Sounds like he needs to deal with some underlying issues and explore the driving forces behind his addiction! If he point blank refuses then he isnt ready and sadly like any addiction he has to want to help himself, otherwise it’s pointless.
Sorry you’re going through this with your son. It’s heartbreaking watching someone you love lose themselves to substances, Especially when other people around us lack understanding and or lose patience.
Have you heard of Al Anon? They give hope to families and friends who are affected by someone else’s substance misuse. Lots of online meetings etc (for you).
For your son, all Drug and Alcohol services are working remotely so support can be accessed. Usually within these services they have a dual diagnosis worker/nurse.
Try not to feel bad about helping your son out, as that just shows how much you want to help him. However, helping anyone with an addiction is HARD going.
Now, the hard part is he really needs to help himself, and for us family members to realize that’s there’s very little we can do in terms of their aim for abstinence. It’s not easy to come to terms with that.
What helped me was some of these questions:
1 Do you accept you cannot control another person’s behaviour?
2 Can you accept that addiction is a disease? Do you?
3 How have you tried to change others in your life? What were the consequences? (Usually emotional exhausted)
4 How do you feel when your son refuses to do what you want? How do you respond?
5 what could happen if you stopped trying to change this person?
6 How can you let go of others problems and not try to solve them?
Mostly these questions are designed to help you to detach from the addicts behaviour in order for you to protect yourself and with the hope that if you change they may change.
(Questions from the steps program).
Think about it this way for example, If someone confronts us negatively/defensively it’s in our nature to react! Usually the same way. The way I see it is that by us changing our attitudes and responses helps other around us change theirs.
Doesn’t mean you don’t care it just means you are keeping yourself safe while dealings/living with the addict. The old saying goes “you can’t pour from an empty cup”.
I wish you some peace at this time .
Oh I get so angry when i hear how these people who abuse drugs place blame on others. It’s typical behaviour of an addict who has no desire to make the changes they need to make in order to stop abusing drugs and live a life free from addiction.
None of you should take any blame, internalise any of the nastiness that spills from their mouths or any other form of abuse. Because that’s what it is it’s abuse!
From experience, I ended up on the floor, broken and nearly didn’t survive the whole ordeal. We were together 22 years until COCAINE came along. Long story short, that drug destroyed our lives, changed an otherwise loyal kind man into a monster. However, I am in no doubt that at any point he could have changed his life if he wanted too. That’s the point, they will only get help when they want too and that’s not an easy pill to swallow. We wasn’t even his rock bottom.
Learn to detach from the addict, respond in a healthy way, as in “let them do what they going to do” don’t invest your energy as they will do what they want anyway! The drug has the power not you sadly. Learn to focus on you – live your life and find peace and then hopefully you will come to your own conclusions about whether or not you want this sort of chaos in your life.
You/ we all deserve better!
I don’t think you’re being naive, but I would suggest doing some reading on the affects this drug has on an individual. It changes people and sometimes it can be a permanent change.
I do understand what you’re going through as many people on here do and I really feel sad for your situation. My family had it all once too. Lovely children, holidays, house, nice cars and good jobs. It doesn’t matter – cocaine always came first. They have to want help, and because that drug is so powerful it could be a long process.
You don’t have to leave him, however I warn you with this sort of drug you will be in for one hell of a ride. It nearly destroyed me and I am still picking the pieces up.
The lies, the let downs, worries, cheating and the list goes on. It gets worse as they get worse. In the end I was so focused on him that I forgot about me which lead to anxiety. My anxiety went through the roof. I started to doubt my self, blame myself and take on all his crap.
I found Al Anon and started to begin my own recovery which is another story.
What I’m saying is, when they are on drugs they ain’t the person you love anymore, that’s the addiction. Try looking at him as two different people – because the one you love is in there somewhere, however that person has to be more present than the other one.
The betrayal will gradually destroy you so please look after yourself.
Remember all addicts say they will change bla bla but it’s in the behaviour/ action! If he wanted to stop he could stop. He isn’t physically addicted he is choosing not to help himself.
It’s awful I know I’ve been there unfortunately same as many others on here. Cocaine is the root of all evil and just literally destroys lives.
There is lots of support out there – drug services are still open and so are CA and NA fellowships it’s not just support from GP he requires.
It sounds as though he is lost to the cocaine so sadly it will always win hands down! COCAINE always comes before relationships, families, work and anything once important to the user.
My advice is to save yourself – the lies will continue. He will only change when he wants to change. You can only concentrate on you now. Be nice to yourself, don’t blame yourself EVER and please do not get pulled into their destruction.
I’m six months down the line and I am still broken after everything I went through with my now ex. We were together for 22 years – a lovely decent man until he got onto this drug. He changed completely and now he is an emotionless monster.
I’ve read loads about cocaine and the effects on the brain – might help you to do some reading. Also, Al Anon is a support service for families affected by substance misuse and they have literally helped my family get back on track.
Keep safe and best wishes
Absolutely nailed it. Couldn’t have said that better myself.
Cocaine destroyed my family and I’m only just picking myself off the floor from the damage it’s caused. It’s awful. It devastated my whole family and as a consequence I had a break down. Six months on and I’m still working hard on myself to cope and learn that IM NOT TO BLAME. As I was constantly told. You ain’t that far ahead yet so be very careful you want to engage with this.
This literally has changed and scarred me forever.
Leave. Just leave.
It’s impossible to live with an addict and be at peace. It’s hell, pure HELL. Could be using if he is having mood swings. If he isn’t being honest then you will never know unless you become like I did – suspicious etc which is awful. I finally found evidence and busted him. Addicts lie lie lie so unless you bust him or drug test him you probably won’t know for sure.
He needs help tho especially with suicidal ideation. Definitely needs see his GP
If he isn’t using drugs then perhaps he is experiencing depression? Working lots is usually a sign, along with mood swings. Maybe he could go see his GP.
Yeh id suggest you focus on you and don’t get to involved in that madness, especially if it is drugs.
Cocaine is the devil drug. It completely changes a person. I understand the Betrayal, lies as it’s constant. It’s relentless. I doubt anyone can tell you how to take things forward as that’s your decision alone.
Al Anon is a good support system for families affected by substances.
In my own experience with my now ex (of 22 years) I chose to leave. It nearly destroyed me, actually I think it did and six months down the line I am still recovering and will probably be scarred for life.
My ex was a loyal loving family man that turned into a monster on this drug. I don’t even recognize him anymore. No emotions, no respect, no moral compass and pure nastiness and selfishness.
They all say they get help and I hope he does but I would not give too many chances like I did. I ended up being blamed for everything in the end.
If they genuinely want to get help then they would and they can if they truly want too.
He has lost his mother and that is sad but it’s still not an excuse as he is avoiding pain – pain doesn’t go away long term. It’s an unhealthy way of coping with lifes difficulties.
Life isn’t without problems so I’m unsure what he is saying here? “When the going get tough I will use cocaine”? Nah sod that!!
Sorry you’re another family that is going thru this. I hate cocaine and everything about it. It destroys people.