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We all have immense inner strength. We just need to.find it. I’ve seen mine before but I can’t seem to hold onto it. There’s a fine line with me , when I find my true strength I’m very close to becoming a monster. So I put myself in a mental prison to prevent it. Not healthy but its what I do to keep most of my demons at bay. If I don’t stay humble people die. Just remember friend, we all have an inner light waiting to be found.
I feel you, I really do. My addiction hasn’t gone as far as everyday but I binge once a week. I also catch myself lying to my family the most and I’ve become distant due to the fact that I feel like if they actually knew me they’d reject me. I’ve recently come out to we family members about my mental struggles but still have yet to come clean and tell them I use cocaine or about the extent of my mental wellbeing. My grandmother is very supportive but my grandfather isn’t and my mother has way to much to deal with medically. I just can’t seem to tell them how severe my mental health is. Most days I sit on my front porch chain smoking cigarettes or sleep all day and my mind is racing but blank at the same time its like I can’t move or do anything. Anxiety swells, guilt boils over from what I’ve done in my life. I honestly feel like I shouldn’t be alive or I should be in prison for the rest of my life for what I’ve done. I resist everyday not to blow my brains out. I think about my 2 neices and my brother the most and they keep me from killing myself. That one day a week cocaine binge is just such an escape from my heavy head, but it also ends up hurting me. I have a hole in my septum that I can poke my pinky finger through that for sure needs reconstructive surgery. I go insane just sitting here going through all of my past.random memories pop into my mind amd a relive trauma every time it happens . .there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel I tell myself but I don’t truely believe it. Maybe one day before its to late I’ll find the strength to put all my cards on the table. I hope you do too. Much love.