[kelly6714]

Hi sk im ok thank you. Tomorrow is my daughters birthday so her dad is coming tonight for a drug test. This time he has to pee in front of me (the lenghts we go to) he has of course bought his daughter nothing but i have agreed the gifts i got can be from us both and i got him a card to her. This is for her benefit not his. Hope you are ok and forgot to say im in southampton x

[kelly6714]

Hi sk i really should listen to my own advice i told my friend i was ill and went to see my partner we went out had something to eat and a few drinks big mistake !!! Its almost like now he is off the drugs hes gone back to his happy go lucky self no remorse for everything he put me through and all my anger came tumbling out i bought up the fact he cheated on me and he said why you bringing that up now for. I said because i havent had time to deal with it ive been to worried about you. His reply i dont need this hassle in my life right now im trying to heal its like you want me back on the drugs because all you do is stress me out !! – seriously he has no idea of the ever lasting damage he has done to us and his family. Then he started waffling on about how the gabapentin has made him feel great he feels like he could take on the world at which point i made my excuses and let kicking myself for not enjoying seeing my friend. Have you heard anymore from your husband ? Where abouts in the country are you xx

[kelly6714]

Morning sk he is still taking the gabapentin claiming they are prescribed but for now i am happy that the opiate test is negative. And yes its true you find yourself wondering why there in the shower so long and listening while there in a toilet. I am not ready for him to move back yet he needs to show me now that he wants his family back. I have told him if he wants to continue to see the girls he will have to pee when i say pee if he refuses to take a drug test randomly i will assume he has used. I spoke to my partner about your husband and he said that nurexone (know idea how to spell it) is an implant similier to the contraceptive implant which is good as it means hes not able to remove it. Apparently its a complete blocker so if he uses he will nothing from it. My partner said to me it will feel like hes no longer in love or a relationship with the drug. There is a risk of od as he may take loads of heroin to try to feel something but it blocks the effects to the brain and the pyscological aspects will be delt with. At least once he has the implant you can rest assured that his mind will no longer be filled with heroin but once again filled with thoughts of you. The road is always rocky with an addict but i have every faith in your husbands ability to get clean and i cant think of anyone more deserving than yourself to have your wish come true. X

[kelly6714]

Hello 🙂 The first time he stopped was with a drug reabilitation order through the courts and he did a programme with methadone and suboxine. It was tough really tough for both of us. Drug tested him this evening and he passed the test was negative for opiates i felt so proud. There are still alot of trust issues i need to work on and as an addict the temptation is always there but from those few steps back weve had a giant leap forward. Please keep in touch about your husband your friendship has been invaluable.

[kelly6714]

Its helped me to speaking to you i look forward to your replies. My partner is to looking better i put that down to being six days clean now i know he is only three days supposedly clean he looks a bit to well if you get my meaning !. I looked the tablets up and apparently.if taken with heroin it can intensify the high or they can be used to help with withdrawel who knows the truth. They are called gabapentin not sure if thats the correct spelling. Tomorrow is day five of his so called not using everything i have read says heroin will definitly be out your system five days max. He is still testing positive today no doubt will tomorrow to although it will kill me. The constant dissapointment is whats so hard and there so convincing. I shall let you know how tomorrows test goes.as he still swears blind saturday was his last use day. Excuse the spelling mistakes im typeing quickly on a break at work. All the best.xx

[kelly6714]

You havent acted like a dickhead 🙂 youve acted out of love, but well done you for telling him how it is. My partner finally came to see the children yesterday and asked to do a test he of course failed. He told me sunday he was three days clean he told me yesterday he was three days clean he will probabley be three days clean forever you know how this goes. He told me yesterday hed been to the doctors and been prescribed tablets for seziures (hes never had a fit i know off) of course i googled them and they to can be abused i asked how he managed to get into the doctors so quick (normally you have to wait weeks for an appoitment) i asked to see the box with his name and address on it, he said he put it in the bin. You see thats the trouble with an addict isnt it he could be telling the truth and thats what we hope but as you learn and move forward i can tell myself that he most probably isnt telling the truth. I let that empower me now that his lies will no longer get under my skin yes it still hurts like mad but they wont destroy me. Its funny how our stories are so similer day by day, its funny how addicts all do and say the same things. My friend has asked me out for dinner thursday as my mum is having the girls over night. My partner begged me not to go saying the thought of me going out will make him want to use. You know what that is his choice i shall go out to dinner and turn my phone off. But you know how this is i shall spend friday rapt in guilt and picking up the pieces because i love him xx

[kelly6714]

Has he ever been on a programme before ? Only you know if your truely ready to move on without him. Ask yourself this if he did get clean and he remained clean would that be all you wished for in life because there is a chance. If he gets on the programme and is successful would you then kick yourself for giving up when you did. You can try and turn your love into hate i tried but i found its almost like your lyeing to yourself which still makes you misrable. You say youve got to the stage where you dont care anymore if this is true and you can walk away then by all means do it. However your next sentance is about the drug tests suggesting you do care :-/. I know its like living in a nightmare. Why dont you talk to him say you love him but you cant take it anymore tell him you want this programme to work so bad and if it does you will continue your relationship with him if it doesnt that is the end. In the meantime have as little contact as possible. If he calls you wanting money say no these are not the calls im interested in anymore by all means call me and tell me your clean otherwise dont contact me. Tough love is needed. Try not to drown yourself in his addiction that way if he sinks you wont be at the bottom with him if he swims then he will be right there with you x

[kelly6714]

Oh hunny im so sorry. Its heartbreaking isnt it even more so when you feel like youve taken a step forward to then go ten steps back. My opinion could be one of two things the first valium and heroin together intensifies the high did you say he was prescribed a blocker ? It could be that he has used and the heroin alone is having no effect so by mixing it with valium hes trying to get some sort of feeling from the heroin. The prescribed meds should be enough to stop the withdrawels to be honest so if he is still using its likely to be psycological. To give you hope the first time my partner got clean (lasted nine years) he used on top of suboxine for a short while despite getting no feeling from it as he claimed he missed shooting up (gross i know). The programme he was on had therapy where he discussed this feeling and gradually the psycological cravings went to. The other option he is telling the truth, funnily enough my partner messaged me two days ago to say hed taken 200mg of valium to try to kill himself he slept two days straight and now claims he is on day four of being clean cus they helped with the with the withdrawels (like you one step forward i am ready and waiting for the ten steps back). The last option is – he is still using. Unfourtantly only time will tell the truth and i know when your in this situation every minute feels like a lifetime. You can purchase heroin specific drug tests online that will not shoe positive even if he has taken valium they only show positive for heroin and are quite cheap if he has nothing to hide he shouldnt mind. Im guessing you know about enabling and i hope you gave him no money they always say an addict has to reach rock bottom before they are serious about getting help. Ive had times where he has rung me saying hes starving he doesnt want money he wants food you have to say no. The more uncomfortable he is the more likely he is to quit. All i can advise is love from a distance. Try to put him to the back of your mind grieve for him and continue your life as if hed died. I know that sounds odd maybe harsh but its helped me. Let him no you love him and your there for him once hes clean but you will not enable his drug use of any drugs. Then cross your fingers and pray so hard that he does this. I know all this is easier said than done. Take a deep breath and live life for you and the children. Be there for him but dont let him become your life. Move forward – he can either move forward to or move back but no longer let his decisions move you back with him. Be strong. Let me know how this progresses. X

[kelly6714]

He phoned me off his head asking me what all the fuss was about like he didnt have a care in the world and for the first time ever i actually yelled at him i told him i was fed up with him taking something to take all the pain away and leaving us with more pain than ever. After i put the phone down i heard my daughter sobbing uncontrolably she misses her daddy. As i held her and explained daddy loves you very much but his brain is so so poorly i really realised this cant continue. The man i love is gone. I cant make him come back. I shall grieve and be broken hearted over that man not the selfish, lyeing manipulative person who can hear his daughter screaming in the background and not even give a damn. I now owe it to my children to build a life without him without drugs before he causes ever lasting damage. Sk thank you for all your help and support. I know my story wont end here. Please continue.to let me know of your husbands progress.

[kelly6714]

So after promiseing me he would go cold turkey i am once again destroyed. He messaged me 1pm this afternoon to say he was in bed dope sick i told him how proud i was. At 4pm i get a message saying he loves me and the children but he is weak and hates himself he wished me goodbye and wishes the world goodbye. I called the police who sent an ambulance to his flat he wasnt there. The police are currently searching for him we have no idea if hes dead or alive. Heroin is a monster that rips and destroys lifes and families. I hate it.

[kelly6714]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. You hit the nail on the head when you said its hard to know they love something more than you. People who havent been through it dont understand. Its like the person we love is having an affair only with a substance not a person and the hold it has over them is no match for us. He finally got in touch with me yesterday to say he had bought some more and that will be it then he will stop. He always promises it will be the next day… it is hard to know the truth anymore where were currently not living together. I told him to get on a programme but he refuses claiming he can do it himself. It is our daughters birthday in 12 days i have told him i do not want to be around him on drugs and that i will purchase a drugs test and test him the day before if hes clean he can spend the day with us if not he cant. The problem is its always us that suffers isnt it. Heroin makes a person so selfish. I wish your partner the very best of luck. Please keep in touch as to how he is doing x

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