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I have only just seen these replies. Sorry
So here I am 2 1/2 months on. Our family home is up for sale. His behaviour has got worse. I dont hear from him for days in end. He hardly comes and sees his children. The ones he said he’d die for. What a wicked thing addiction is.
I am still unravelling the financial mess he got us in and although some days are really tough, i feel like everything is within my control. I dont have the added worry of stressing about him too. I have been in touch with a debt charity called StepChange who have been a massive help. I can finally sleep at night.
Although i feel sadness when i see my ex, i no longer feel i need to “rescue” him. I think i hoped that the seperation and house being put up for sale would give him a wake up call but it hasn’t. In fact he has developed a bigger “victim” mentality and everyone else has the problem,not him.
I am incredibly lucky in that i have totally supportive parents, friends and employer. I can finally see the tiniest glimmer of hope in what has been a very very long tunnel.Our stories are almost identical.
I have been with my husband for 16 years,married for 9. We have 2 children -8 and 4.
Like you, over the years i found evidence of him using cocaine and got the same excuses as you -“i was drunk”, “it was a one off”.
He ran his own business but, i realise now, his head wasn’t in the game to be professional enough to run the business so he started losing business due to his unreliability. His contributions to the household finances became more adhoc and hr stopped paying the mortgage which resulted in a court hearing for repossesion early on this year. Luckily i managed to scrape some funds togethers but we know have a suspended court order on the house.
This year has been a nightmare. He has been the docs a couple of times, started on antidepressants, started counselling but only keeps it up for a month or two before he goes back to his selfish cocaine using self. Whats frightening is his begaviour can be “normal” and i see glimpses of the man i married to completely erratic. I have made it overwhelming clear to him that i would support him if he got help to get better but i now realise he was doing it to keep me happy rather than wanting it himself.
My situation came to a head in september when i came downstairs at midnight for medicine for our ill daughter and caught him snorting cocaine off the kitchen side. He moved out immediately but i think he thought i would change my mind in a week or two and i would take him back if he promised to ger help. I have done that a couple of times over the past 2 years. This time I havent. The family home is up for sale. During this time, he has made NO attempt to work on his addiction. He says he will but doesnt. He claims he isnt addicted but he is. My hubbie was the vainest man you could meet -now he can turn up wearing the same clothes for 2 days not having had a shower. Like your partner, he says if he isnt with me he has no incentive to change. I point out that even though our marriage is over, we still have 2 children together that he should get better for.
I wont lie the past 2 months have been rough. He doesnt give me a penny yet i know for a fact that he uses what little money he does have to go out drinking. He turns up to see the kids when it suits him and it id usually only a brief visit -he says it is “too hard” for him. I have had to contact a debt charity called StepChange to help with my finances ( they are fantastic!) as i have had no support off him whatsoever. What i can say is that although i have tough days, they are nowhere near as bad as what they were like when he was still at home -the lies, the moodswings, the empty bags of cocaine found hidden in coat pockets, down side of couch etc. towards the end, i could feel anxiety taking over me and i didnt want that for my childrens sake.
I know i am the start of a long road but i feel stronger than i did when he was here. Yes there are times when my heart breaks for him and i want to “rescue” him but then i remind myself of the times i have text or rang him begging him to come and see the children because they miss him so desperately and he ignores me. Its hard to bear as prior to this he was a fantastic husband and dad but cocaine and alcohol has turned him into someone i dont recognise.
My advice to you is focus on getting yourself better and strong. Focus on your childrens happiness, not his. Maybe when he sees how strong and serious you are it will kickstart him into getting some help. He may though continue on this path of self destruction though. You can’t save him from this. He has to want it himself. If you continue to take him back with no real positive action from him, your misery will continue-believe me, i’m proof!
I wish you the very best. Please know that you are not alone in this struggle. Take care xI think we all have the same questions -“Why do they continue to chose this life when they have such wonderful blessings? What did I do wrong?”. I am learning to accept there are no answers to those questions and I would drive myself mad trying to figure it out. God bless you. I hope you and your son find peace one day like I hope for me and my exhusband x