[l54321]

I also feel stupid and ashamed. My family know he has drinking episodes but I’ve hidden what’s happened the last two times as they think badly of him otherwise, I do realise that in doing this I am cutting off my support from them. Relationships do break down and social services would surely look at your merits and capabilities, I do know someone that adopted two girls with her husband and they separated but she still bought the girls up on her own, but I understand why you would be so scared of that.

[l54321]

I find I feel like that and then he gets sorted and everything turns ‘rosey’ again, the pain diminishes and I almost forget how bad it all was and try to look forward, and I fall in love all over again. I don’t tend to shout and scream either because it’s never helpful even though god I want to, I don’t make digs about what he’s done or throw it back in his face when he’s sober, I talk to him instead and can see in his face he’s ashamed but doesn’t want to hear it. They live in denial and we live in our own personal hell. It’s disgusting what they do and how they treat us. You must feel in awful not knowing what he is up to. I am dreading him not going to work tomorrow and know he will go to hospital. My work place knows the situation and support me but I imagine my boss thinks I’m a mug and I feel ashamed of myself for being in this situation.

[l54321]

No you shouldn’t have to lose everything and it’s awful that’s the choices you feel you have. I understand and I wish mine could know and understand what he puts me through. My partner doesn’t go out I must admit, I don’t have the fear of the knock on the door, instead I have to keep checking he’s not dead in our bed but at least I know where he is I suppose. I couldn’t face cooking today and opted for takeout which the kids were delighted with but I feel bad for not being a better mother & feeling unable to motivate myself to cook. It must be so hard for you wondering where he is and what he’s up to, they do not realise or care about the emotional damage they do, a few weeks ago he was gone when I woke up and turned his phone off all day. I had to sort the kids and work, I couldn’t get hold of him all day, in the end I called the hospital and they confirmed he had admitted himself in, basically because I took away any chance he had of getting his hands on alcohol so they had to treat him because it’s dangerous. I am not proud of myself forcing our NHS to treat him but the other option is letting him spend all our money, be unable to pay rent and bills and him kill himself that way with the kids watching. I have just checked on him and his stomach is jerking which I have seen so many times now and I know he will have to go to hospital a bit later, he won’t be able to work tomorrow and we lose £250 everyday he doesn’t work, so he sure doesn’t get to spend any. I wish I could give you a massive hug and tell you it will all be ok xx

[l54321]

The only other thing I do when I get a whiff that my partner is drinking is to move all the money out of our accounts so he can’t get anything, as far as I am concerned the money is for the kids not for him to spend getting into a state. It’s actually forced him to seek help in the past and I do it with no remorse even knowing that it could potentially kill him to stop drinking- hence he gets help. Xx

[l54321]

Thank you Kellie I hope you find peace too. No matter what the addiction they always find an excuse for doing it, as you say you want to scream at him, I want to scream at my partner that he’s the one that deserves the potential death sentence my ex husband has just received, I’ve bitten my tongue when it pops in my head each time as I don’t wish that on him and it’s a terrible thing to say, yet I still think it because I want to hurt him to shake him out of it and make him wake up and sort himself out. But I unfortunately know it’s pointless saying anything at all to him with the state he is in. Last time he tried blaming me saying he didn’t go to work and drank because I hadn’t prepared his food and he didn’t have any clean clothes, it was absolute rubbish, I have meals I prepare and freeze for him and the clothes were in his drawer, but they don’t know what the hell they are saying and they don’t care that they hurt us, all that matters to them is their addiction. My partner went to court recently for more access to his daughter, we spent a fortune and it caused so much stress and worry, yet his ex knows nothing about his drinking and this was not a reason for not allowing him to see his daughter, his ex was just bitter he left her – if only she knew what he’d turned into. He won extra time which was fantastic, and I do all the dropping to school & collecting, my daughters and his love each other to bits, and somehow it’s left to me to look after all of them. How would I leave and upset the 4 girls in this way and tear their lives apart. My daughters will have their lives turned upside down when they find out about heir dad. I wish I could disappear into a hole and hide as well, yet tomorrow I will go to work, sort the kids and carry on as if it’s not happening because I have no choice. You are amazing, everybody on here is amazing to cope with loving an addict. Xx

[l54321]

I am so sorry you are going through this, and it sounds like you’re doing it alone. My partner is 45 and and an Alcoholic, I have found writing everything down here helps even if nobody responds. It’s heartbreaking watching them destroy themselves. This year has been quite a bad year, pregnancy I had the baby died, my 11 year old daughter was trolled and groomed into self harming and yesterday my ex husband and father of my three young daughters told me he has kidney cancer, my partner responded to all of these by extreme drinking resulting in him having to go to hospital. He’s drunk now upstairs after taking today off work to support me, what a crock, all he’s done for me is make me feel worse and yet I still love him. I am sorry you are having to watch your son ruin his life in this way, I wish my partner had family that cared that I could reach out to but he doesn’t, he grew up in care from 3 years old. You have to remember to look after you is the only advice I can give, you sound like an amazing mother and I hope your son finds it in him to start a road to recovery and you find the peace you deserve xx

[l54321]

Hi Kellie, I am so sorry you are going through this, my partner is an alcoholic and I know the pain every time you find out they are ‘back on it’ having to paint a smile on your face for the sake of the children feels like such an immensely unfair pressure, I feel it taking it’s toll on me each time, trying to make everything appear ‘normal’ My partner has relapsed again after a few weeks, this time his excuse was the devastating news I received yesterday that my ex husband and father of my 3 young daughters has kidney cancer at aged 41, I have cried buckets for my ex who is a brilliant man and father, I needed my partner to be there for me and yet he made the choice to make himself feel better by getting drunk and in the process me feel worse and heap more pressure and despair on me. A few weeks ago it was because my 11 year old daughter was self harming. It’s like he uses the horrible things that happen to me to justify making my life worse by drinking and not being there for me. Addicts are so selfish and I struggle to understand what occurs in them to do what they do to us and everyone who cares about them. I feel nothing for him at the moment, when he’s got it together I’m so in love with him. He didn’t go to work this morning, supposedly to support me but he got up this morning and started drinking and was drunk before I was awake. My life crumbles and it’s like he starts stamping at what remains, truth is he is never there for me because when shit happens he drinks. I don’t know how to continue sometimes but somehow we do, I understand how broken you must feel, the helplessness and terror. When my partner drinks he cry’s and talks about killing himself, when he isn’t drinking he is fine, the drink or drugs in your case make them feel so bad they feel like this, it’s ridiculous that they continue. I have no words of wisdom for you and for that I am sorry, I feel the same that I want out but love him so much I just go round in circles. Please know that you are not alone and I’m here if you’d like to talk. Xx

[l54321]

Spotty dog thank you so much for your reply which I have only just seen searching for Adfam email to login. I guess writing it down somehow seems to help me and as my partner is having yet another episode I’m reaching out again, I feel so rude I haven’t replied to you after your kind words. Every time I need him to support me he drinks. I found out yesterday that my ex husband has kidney cancer at aged 41, I have 3 young daughters by him and my partner upon hearing the news started drinking. I feel devastated about my ex, he is such a wonderful man and father and he doesn’t deserve what he is going through. My partner is drunk in bed at the moment asleep and has been for hours and after yesterday’s news I actually don’t feel anything regarding him, not even anger or disappointment. I just feel so sad for my ex and my girls who don’t even know about their dad yet. I cried all night last night, my eyes are still swollen now. Addicts are so selfish it’s beyond comprehension to me. I am so sorry you also have to cope with an alcoholic, I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I feel like a little piece of me dies with every episode, we are supposed to marry on 12th December, the wedding has been cancelled twice due to COVID and I wonder also if it’s life’s way of doing me a favour by preventing it from happening. Truth is though that when he’s sober and working hard and being the best man he can be I’ve never been so in love. How has the sober drive gone with your husband? I hope he is continuing with it and you have peace at the moment. Sending you hugs and if you’d like to talk I’d love that and will make sure I check my mail this time xx

[l54321]

Thank you for the information I will look into it, I’ve had some good support from work & HR, my company has 24 hour helpline to support people dealing with these issues, so I’ve found out today so I will give that a bash 1st I think, thank you every life line is appreciated.

He has returned from hospital this afternoon and things have far from gone away. The doctor at the hospital apparently told him he needs to cut down still but to keep drinking, I believe it but I don’t believe it, I distrust him so much.

Within an hour he was asking to go to the shop to get a mini bottle of wine, not knowing what the hell I am supposed to do for the greater good I agreed to 4 cans of beer. He had one, I locked the rest up and within an hour he was asking for another! Honestly thought my head was going to explode! I asked what part of 2 beers in an hour came anywhere near weening yourself off, told him yes you feel like shit, you should feel like shit and whatever the doctor said, you are hearing what you want to hear and that is continue drinking!! Ffs give me strength. We all do it, we hear what we want to hear and I’m no different, that’s why we are so blind to how bad their problem is until it literally smacks us in the chops. Needless to to say he didn’t get the second one for another 2 hours, and it will be drawn out as long as I can. I asked him what he felt was reasonable time between drinks, he had in mind to work it out based upon the number of cans he has left as he can’t have any left in the house in the morning. I negotiated differently and suggested 3 hours between, so next drink is 10pm and as it will be bed shortly after and that I would kindly pour the other one down the sink for him, he agreed. That he will get up when I do whether he sleeps or not tonight because at least he will stand a better chance of getting a good night sleep tomorrow night. He will do stuff around the house and try and build his self esteem up so he can feel like a man again, instead of the pathetic shell he currently is. There’s no drinking until 4pm tomorrow and we will do the same cycle. That I will not be driving the 30 minutes to collect his daughter Friday and so he will need to be sober to do so or forfeit seeing her. The way you’re reading this probably sounds like I’ve been yelling at him and giving ultimatums, but I’ve somehow kept my cool and been supportive and done it more like we are doing a brain storming exercise, discuss the pros & cons of each choice, we’ve discussed that the effects addiction has on the brain renders him unlikely to make good decisions regarding his welfare. I’ve tried to explain it to him that I will help him but I won’t accept the state he was again, and that he can let me (attempt because lord knows I haven’t the foggiest) to guide him off, control the drinking, encourage him to do normal day to day things, have some caffeine in the morning like most other folk that are able to function. I‘ve told him I don’t expect miracles overnight but I have to see changes, he can just make some small changes or go down the same path and we’re essentially finished. I didn’t say it as a threat just this is going to be the only outcome, because I can’t cope with it. It’s his choice and I’m giving him a choice through all of it and with talking things through he is so far making the right ones that will ultimately save his life. He’s on a zoom AA meeting as I write, I didn’t suggest it and he didn’t mention it until it was time for it to start. So we will see what happens. Im not getting my hopes up, it feels like they will be dashed forever, but it’s a start and I’m grateful for the support network I’ve had here, at work, my family and especially the amazing person that made such a difference to my state of mind the last couple of days – I am sending massive hugs to you again. X

[l54321]

Massive hugs back to you, I’m so sorry for all your heartache too. You must be such an amazingly strong person with all you’ve been through and I thank you for your support.

He is being kept in hospital overnight being given constant meds and fluids and the tests & X-ray were all ok in the end and they have someone going in to see him tomorrow to get him on a program. It’s giving me an opportunity to have some time to myself, which I never get. I miss him so much not being here, but feel some relief at having a break from all the chaos, whilst knowing he is safe and in good hands.

I hope you have a peaceful stress free evening and I’m sending you virtual hugs X

[l54321]

It was probably writing everything down in this forum that made something inside me flip from anger to reasonable. It was like my anger totally subsided yesterday afternoon. We had a conversation in the evening and he told me how relieved he was that I seemed calm and supportive. I know anger is unhelpful and actually destructive but I couldn’t help my anger. Rereading my post today made me cry to realise how I was feeling only yesterday and days before that. I feel love and concern for him again. It was horrible last night not knowing when it’s appropriate to call an ambulance in these situations and I might be letting him die because I don’t know what I’m doing. Him pointing out spiders on the wall that don’t exist, people that he can see or asking if I can hear that noise.

The hospital have given him meds to stop withdrawal symptoms, he sounds exhausted, but like he’s there again and the drink is gone. He’s had an X-ray on his stomach and they told him there is an issue but they haven’t told him what yet. Hopefully something that will not be permanent, but I can’t stop myself feeling like he deserves it after the way he’s just tortured his body and mind. I can’t imagine putting mine through that & expecting to come out unscathed time and time again.

I cannot imagine being seven years into repeating the same cycle, yet every time he comes back from it he is still the man I fell in love with, that dotes on me and the children. I just don’t know what the answer is my hope is up and down at the moment. This was one of his more significant episodes. My heart goes out to you, I feel like I’m grieving each time this happens and can only imagine you feel the same. I hate the children being exposed to this. So many conflicting thoughts to process and the lies are so damaging, it’s a roller coaster of rebuilding your relationship and life, for them to kick the crap out of it whenever it’s fitting for them. I know its not that simple but that is the effect it has.

Thank you so much for your comments, I feel talking here has really helped me to unburden my feelings and gain a little clarity. Love and best wishes.

[l54321]

Been up most of the night giving him controlled alcohol to try and control the withdrawal pains, jerking and vomiting. Three quarters of a litre of vodka and it’s not helped him at all. He’s been hallucinating vision & sound all night. Called 111 at 1am they wanted to send an ambulance but he refused the offer. This morning it was too much for him, the alcohol doesn’t get rid of any of the withdrawals symptoms & I called 111 again, they didn’t give the option & sent an ambulance. Feeling scared for him, guilty for the use of NHS guilty and thankful for my children who seem to take it in their stride. I feel like a terrible mother that they have had to witness this.

[l54321]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I know my current feelings will not help anybody, I am a total believer that negative feelings affect you more than anyone else but feel unable to redirect them at the moment. But it does help to have people reaffirm this to me, for that I thank you and I know I will reach that phase at some point.

He has been to hospital many times, has phone support from AA, attended meetings in person before. Had support from individuals that have been through the same thing and come out the other side & spoken to his GP on many occasions. He’s been unable to hold a coherent conversation for the last week, how they are supposed to take anything in when they are drunk is impossible to imagine.

I contacted Al Anon the weekend and spoke to a lovely lady that let me cry and vent. It did release some of the frustration I was feeling.

I also know I am powerless to do anything about it and the only person that can help him is him. We have been ‘weening’ him off the alcohol for a few days, but as he has no work or anything else to answer too as he is furloughed, it’s like he cannot be bothered to continue cutting down and has carte blanch to continue. I have seem him do it so many times where he drinks because he’s between jobs, cuts back and stops drinking because he has to go to work, I know its a disease of body and mind but I have seen him choose to stop and get better in a controlled way, just when it suits. This is not me belittling alcoholism and the power it has, just what I have experienced with my partner, hence why I know when his daughter visits Friday he will have sorted himself, otherwise he would lose access. So it very much feels like there is a degree of choice. He chooses to get drunk around my children and then sobers for his own, naturally I feel angry on behalf of my children and myself. I know people will be thinking its not a choice, and I do agree that the addiction is definitely not a choice, finding the strength from within when it suits is though because I see it happen. I am only talking from what I am experiencing and am not judging or saying other addicts ‘choose’ in this way, maybe my mind is clouded by the devastation I am currently feeling.

Thank you once again for your kind words and encouragement.

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