Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hey I am sorry that you are in this position. It is truly heartbreaking. There’s absolutely nothing you can do to bring your wife to her senses, except do not tolerate this for one moment more, set boundaries and stick to them. Few of us do this. It’s hard, but it’s the only way if there’s to be any hope at all. Look after yourself, look after the children, hers as well as yours if you can. Ask her to get treatment and hope that she does. She’s got to admit there’s a problem before anything else can be done. It takes a lot to do that and it’s a hill to climb. It sounds like she’s got a lot of stuff to work through. Wishing you all the best of luck.
I’m sorry to hear this @Laura2411. Is it coke? I divorced my husband last year. He had hidden debts and had hidden using for several years after initially disclosing that he was an addict some years before. In my experience, you need to protect yourself especially financially, and cut him loose if you can. That will be his best chance of recovery, although he may have to hit several rock bottoms before he gets to that point. My other advice would be not to keep his secrets. That will not be good for you all, or for him.
Hi Mellisa
I’m sorry you are going through this but Debc is right, there are so many stories like yours here, it may help you to read them. Your partner is going in one direction at the moment. There is nothing you can do about that. You have to protect yourself and your children. It’s likely that your financial situation will get worse, quite quickly and you are already struggling to cope. It’s not going to stop until he wants it to. Nothing you can do or say will change that. He won’t even do it for the children. I can say this without knowing more, without knowing him, because addicts all behave in the same way. Get support, and get some distance between you and him and then hope he can turn it around eventually. Keep coming back here – there will always be people to help you here. Take care xx
I’m sorry, Honey. I hope it’s a lapse or two and not a full relapse. I’m divorced from my husband now and he’s at last living a clean and health life, but when we were together and he was using on and off for years, he never gave up drink and I think that was the key. He nolonger drinks. I think he’s not had one since the start of lockdown but drinks zero per cent beers (they’ve improved so much in recent years he’s happy not to have the real thing). He’s moved back to his home town and in with his parents but that’s been good for his mental health. He’s doing well.
I would make some basic demands of your husband. Set some boundaries and if he breaks them, separate from him. If he is tumbling back into full blown addiction and it looks as if he is, there’s nothing you can do but leave him to it, because only he can make the changes needed.
I am not surprised you feel like you can’t go back there again. Neither could I and I had to walk away and leave a 20 year marriage. Hardest thing I’ve ever done and 18 months later it’s still so hard. Good luck to you, I wish you the best xx
It’s devastating. I persevered for years although my husband denied ad naseum and only when the evidence was overwhelming (I caught him in the act) did he confess and only then to a fraction of what was really going on. It took another 18 months for me to leave, and now he is doing well at last, at least for now.
He’s got to want it for himself and knowing you are going to lose everything is sometimes not enough.
I’m sorry but this doesn’t look good – a lot of the things you mention point to using. Do you share a bank account? Can you see if money is disappearing? I should imagine those wipes are going to come back positive and you need to think about your next steps.
@Kel1 Thanks for your kind words. It is terribly sad. I can’t believe it’s real sometimes. I’m struggling to find a house right now – the market is moving really fast – but trying to focus on the practical stuff. And I’m going to get counselling for myself at last which is what I think we all need. All of this is so hard to process no matter how long it’s been.
I had a few years of uncertainty/lies before everything came crashing down in a spectacular way when hidden debts caught up with my then husband. I had to change what I was doing (supporting/covering up/enabling basically). I wish I had done it sooner for me and for him. At first he was not great and mental health wise he has been up and down but is doing ok at the moment although the family home is about to be sold which will be a challenge for all of us. He was already pretty clean I think most of the time, but I wasn’t confident in his recovery (he had almost always tried to do it alone) or in his capacity for telling the truth about his finances. So we are divorced. I still love him. He has a good job (earns over £70k) and has the opportunity to rebuild his finances. I myself need some help right now. I’ve weathered the storm so far but I am struggling with the house sale, with being divorced (I never expected to be or wanted it and I’m full of sadness for what might have been). But I believe that what I was doing wasn’t helping and had to stop. I had to draw a line and his debts leading essentially to the sale of our house was it, it turned out. I agree with Kel1, with an addict you are pretty much doing life solo anyway.
Hi Kirst101
I’m sorry no one has replied. It takes a lot of courage to post here and especially when you’ve no support in real life. I don’t think that there is anything you can do if I am honest. I tried with my husband for six years. I kept the secret from my parents and his. Several friends and my sister and BIL knew, but because they were as ignorant as I was about how cocaine works, they didn’t/couldn’t help. In my case, things were quiet for months and sometimes years. I’d find evidence of using but the lies were so convincing and the consequences of taking action so great that I lived in denial because it was easier. Denial doesn’t actually cover it because usually there wasn’t much evidence to go on, just the odd bag or strange text that I’d glimpse, or him nipping out abruptly, or sometimes going out “to the shop” very late at night.
In the end he let his debts build up secretly to the point where his company was wound up and we’ve had to sell the house to pay his debts. He let me find out when the court summons came through the door and I knew I had to make the chaos stop. 18 months later, and very reluctantly I’ve divorced him. In the time we’ve been apart he’s improved so much. He had some dark times. He’s had to move back in with his parents. But he has a great job which he loves, and lockdown has helped him a lot. He seems ok now. Change is possible I think but I’m not so sure it can happen with us by their side.
Hello @Songbirdgarden76 I am sorry to hear about what’s happened to you, your family and your husband. Cocaine has wrecked my family. I gave my husband the benefit of the doubt for over 5 years not realising that the addiction he had confessed to years before had never really gone away. Financial and emotional catastrophe ensued. Everything came to a head not because of his using but because of hidden debt and its consequences. Despite some positive signs in recent months, I chose to initiate divorce because I need security for myself and my two teen children. I need to put on my life jacket now. I suggest you do the same. It won’t be an act of betrayal. It doesn’t show a lack of faith. You just need to protect yourself and put yourself first before you can help him. But first he has to want to help himself. Take care xx
PS I’ve been married for 20 years and have two kids. It’s horrific that it’s ending this way.
Hi Egg04
I found out about my husband’s habit 6 years ago. He’d already been using for around 18 months at that stage. Fast forward through 4.5 years of what I thought was recovery and he had a major relapse. I uncovered many thousands of hidden debt. Then earlier this year, unpaid taxes (he’s self employed) – a large sum which may bankrupt him.
I’m ending my marriage now though I love him and want to believe he can turn his life around.
I can’t believe what devastation this addiction has wreaked upon us. And most of the time hidden from me. I would think carefully about staying with him if I’m honest. You will never know when he is telling you the truth and disaster is always lurking. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you definitely can’t cure it. Only he can do that and it may take years.
Best of luck xx
Hi again Trainer28 I’ve had a rough few years. My husband had been using on and off without me knowing (Cocaine in his case). I can’t say how much – he had originally confessed in 2013 but wouldn’t let me tell family, wouldn’t give up drinking, wouldn’t let me take control of his money. I should have left then. But he had a quiet few years or so I thought, until relapsing in 2017. Since then he has had a good 12-18 months, not drinking and going to meetings and he has been focused on recovery better than ever before, but he’s hidden massive debts which have recently come to light and I can’t carry on, I’ve got to protect myself and my children. I just can’t trust him.
In hindsight, there needs to be total surrender. The addict needs to be on their knees begging for help. They properly need to be at rock bottom before change is possible. If there’s any suspicion that they are not, then walk. I wish I had known how bad things could get at the start of the journey I’ve been on.
It is really difficult and not a good sign if he is defensive. Not drinking however has to be a fundamental plank of all round sobriety. Everyone around him has to be made to understand this. You can only do so much however, it really is up to him to come clean with his family and friends and explain that he cannot and must not drink.
If he can’t do that, then if I were you, I might be inclined to think about my own position and whether you can continue to support him in his recovery or whether you should leave. I say this from experience – my own husband refused to countenance the idea of not drinking alcohol until recently, by which time the damage to our relationship was more or less done.
Good luck and I hope your holiday is restful and enjoyable.