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Thank you for sharing your story. Sadly, I can relate to most of this. Please know you are not alone.
So glad I found this page! Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories! It’s very helpful to know that I’m not alone with my grief.
My ex- husband of 35 years died December 20th from a sudden cardiac death related to his alcohol abuse. He was 58 years old. Our divorce was finalized in June and even though we were no longer together, the marital home had been sold, 6 rehab stays later, and the fact that I stood by his side for the last 7 years while he battled this addiction did not change the sad outcome. Even though I had distanced myself for the last year to avoid watching him die a slow death, the grief (and guilt) are still overwhelming.
I returned from visiting my daughter and her family on December 20th. It was such a wonderful time with all of them and spoiling my granddaughters and I was in a good place mentally. While I was visiting, my daughter and I talked about the last time either of us heard anything from her father and we both called and texted him during my visit, but no response. My daughter asked that I do a welfare check on him when I returned home because the last time any of us had heard from him was December 11th and his banking activity stopped on December 12th when he visited the local grocery store. My call to the local police department didn’t seem real – I couldn’t believe I had to do this to make sure he was ok after so many years of marriage. The officer assured me he would let me know how they made out and after 90 minutes, I was convinced that they had found him at his apartment, drunk or sleeping and were telling him to contact his family as they were worried about him.
The next call I received showed a caller ID of UC Coroner’s office. I instantly felt cold and the kind person on the phone informed me that they found my ex-husband deceased in his apartment. It appeared he had been cooking in the kitchen and experienced a sudden cardiac event and most likely died a week earlier. They asked that I come to the apartment to answer some questions to help them determine when he died. I barely recall the drive to his apartment, which was only 2 miles away. They did not need me or our adult son to identify the body as the found his wallet and verified from his driver’s license it was him. The body was “in no condition to be seen”.
It’s now been a little over 2 weeks and my mind still races with a mix of feelings of guilt coupled by nearly 40 years of wonderful memories as well as the awful memories of the last 7 years and how alcohol took over his life. I wonder each day if he suffered in any way and pray he died suddenly. What’s worse is I will never know the answer to these questions and it breaks my heart to know this is how the love of my life spent his final moments on earth. He was a financial six-figure head of our household for so many years only to be unemployed at the end and rarely leaving his apartment. My son and I cleaned out his apartment the week after his death and we lost count at 14 empty 2-litre bottles of vodka. His apartment was filthy and the last time we saw him was December 2nd where it was clear he had been drinking heavily and was not taking care of himself. He had lost a lot of weight and was struggling to remember things. The heartbreak my son and I both felt seeing where he fell when he died and having to clean the area where his body was, I would never wish this on anyone.
Nobody knows what to say when something like this happens. I don’t even know what to say when they ask! Alcoholism is a slow suicide and a cruel thing for family and loved ones to see. I know my life will never be the same but I’m doing my best to move on. My family, colleagues at work, and my friends have been very supportive and I now fell less alone after finding this site.
I want all of you to know that you are not alone and we need to be kind to ourselves. None of us wanted this to happen and I know, at least for me, that I had planned to be with this person forever. Sadly, alcohol had other plans.