[liberty]

Coco1212, I’m so so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. How heartbreaking for you, especially at Christmas. I’m sure words cannot express how you feel at this sad time. Thinking of you.

His behaviour all sounds very positive. Sleeping, a bit moody, using your boys mobile, this sounds so positive. When does he leave and do you know where he’ll go yet? – hopefully he makes enough progress to keep up what he’s achieved so far.

I get that it’s so easy to feel suspicious of them. I do it all the time. When someone says one thing, then all too often does another, it’s hard to think they really mean what they say. I totally get that. It’s the same for me at the moment. My bf is making different decisions lately, yes, I think he did smoke it yesterday and possibly the day before that. He was ignoring my calls on Xmas day evening and after 4/5 days of not smoking it I was convinced he was on it. I told him on text how old it’s getting and how I’m so over all his habit. The next morning he told me he’d been asleep on silent, that I was wrong to doubt him, but he did go and do it only a day later. At which point I said and did nothing, I felt like I’d already got my point across.

Him smoking it again has now led to him to having no money, once again he literally spent all of what he made that day on crack as soon as he got the money. He asked me for money for something inexpensive to do with work, I gave him a flat NO way! and told him that sum isn’t beyond what he does earn in a day, it’s just a matter of prioritising how he spends it. He was all “yes yes” like shut up now, he got it. He’s not stupid, he knows I’m right. He has the means to buy what he wants and needs, if he didn’t spend it ALL on crack!

Beating the addiction is not going to be an overnight thing, but like you, I’ve seen changes, it’s not enough for me to think he’s beaten the addiction, but it’s a long way from where we were and where I thought he’d be, which is positive. Im trying hard to not be as suspicious all the time. I’m still defiant that there’s no place for his addiction in my life anymore, it’s up to him to make the choice as to what he wants. I think he sees that now. He doesn’t have control over me anymore, he knows that.

If you don’t mind me asking, what’s the ideal scenario for you and your kids? You’ll get a bit of space from your x now when he leaves, how do you feel about that? Xxx

[liberty]

Coco1212, oh dear, I hope the bad news wasn’t too personal to spoil Christmas. I hope you got some joy from the day.

My bf it’s hard to tell. There are subtle changes I look for in his behaviour, but lately I don’t look too hard, I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Although it’s hard, because I can’t tell you how many times he’s told me he’ll change the addiction, was good for a day or so, then was straight back to it. He’s never actually quit for any real length of time, which is why I just feel now that I’ll believe it when I see it. Again, I try not to say that out loud. If anything, at the moment, I’m not saying anything, so as not to be accused of bringing the elephant into the room as it were.

For my bf though, his voice, face and behaviour changes ever-so-slightly. For example, his voice is quite deep and rounded anyway, but during him smoking and for a little while after, his voice gets super smooth, slightly deeper, but smooth. It’s hard to describe. He’ll also want alcohol and cigarettes, he’ll alternate between the crack, drinking and cigarettes. Secondly, for my bf also, and this may all obviously be very very different for your guy for sure, but for my bf, his face gets longer. As in he’ll stretch out his chin and will have a cheeky smirk stuck there ????, slightly shy at the same time.

In terms of his physical behaviour, while he’s on it he gets super chilled, but his heart is racing, he gets really hot, loses his appetite and makes a point of checking the windows, looking through the curtains – this is him being a satellite. He sort of shuffles around the place checking outside, all hot and smooth voiced. He also gets a bit horny. Not crazy so, but he’ll be a bit more tactile. (Sorry, not trying to sound over personal here).

This all lasts as long as the buzz lasts and just after. After 24hrs after when he started to do it the day before, he gets very agitated, a bit snappy and very introverted. Sometimes, depending on how much he’s had, this is also when he can get a bit sweaty, and he’s not a sweaty person generally, but his forehead will sweat up a bit without much activity. – this isn’t while resting, only if we’re moving about, at the shops, getting ready to go out and he’ll get a bit clammy when he gets in the car. He sort of sweats through his eye sockets too, he’s eyes get shiny.

The more he does for a prolonged period the more the agitation and perspiration is visible. This is the point when I cannot engage in any debate with him, he can be obnoxious and will just bite at anything I say. If he wants something, anything, a drink/food/go somewhere, he’ll get super transfixed about it, no reasoning makes a difference here.

In my bf, these are the affects of his crack use. He doesn’t do the brown as you know, so I guess it depends on what combo and potency your guy does.

I hope it helps in some way. Either way, if he feels he’s doing less, he probably is.

Is there any more news about if he’ll stay at your place or leave the home? – If you don’t mind me asking, I’ve been thinking about that.

Anyway, I hope this all helps.

Sending kindness xxxx

[liberty]

Coco1212, it wasn’t too bad, thank you. How has yours been? How has it all been?

Being in tier 4 I haven’t seen my bf. We did a gift exchange last week, he pretty much went all of the Xmas period alone and not on crack! Christmas Day was the 5th day, I was convinced he’d do it, but he didn’t. I think he held out until today, but I can’t know for sure. He may genuinely just be sleeping and not ignoring me while on it. Only time will tell.

He also thanked me for everything I’ve done to support him, which was nice to hear. But then he was a total grump the rest of the time, which I’m just ignoring and blaming on the withdrawal.

Xx

[liberty]

Coco1212, to you directly, I wish you all the very best this Christmas season. Sharing and comparing your experiences with my own has been such a support to me. You’ve given me hope and strength when it was lacking and being able to connect with such a strong woman is very heartwarming. Thank you. Always here to support you, no question.

Sending love and care xxx Liberty

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, thank you. “ there isn’t a lot that can be done to help until the addict makes the decision to get clean and then they have a better idea of what they need from the people who are supporting them with their recovery” – this I am realising now, so much so, all be it, I’ve done so the hard way. I do wish that I could’ve known this sooner, but having said that, I think my persistence in trying to fight his addiction with/for him hasn’t gone unnoticed, which is one positive.

It does sound like you’re very fortunate. Not having to turn to crime and having such support of your family, and maintaining your career. My bf does struggle on that front, which we are trying to address, together, but mostly, it’s covid now preventing him from working.

My bf has a lot of people around him, most of them use drugs, not many are/have been addicts, but many of those who were are dead. Mostly either OD or were killed in a drug debt related crime. Death is a very final solution to a temporary problem. We can’t die and look back and think about it or how that impacts the lives of others. Once we’re gone, we’re gone. I’m glad your attempts to end your own life failed, life is so precious and delicate. There are many people in this world clinging on to life as it’s being taken from them by disease or illness, those of us who are lucky enough not to have to cling on to it shouldn’t throw it away either. Not when we only get one chance to enjoy what we’re given. There’s so much you’ve yet to experience being a parent, I’m sure. As someone who had a parent very suddenly and prematurely taken from their life, I realise the impact of losing a parent. The questions I couldn’t ask for opinions on. The situations I couldn’t ask for support with. I’m a much more serious person as a result, which sometimes I loathe. It does leave a gap that can never be filled.

I’m trying to make my bf realise these points. He has so much he hasn’t seen/done/experienced. I keep reminding him of the many pleasures in life beyond just coasting. Stuff that can only be enjoyed with a clear head and a healthy body. Hoping that will see us through as well as it can. I’m sure it’s the same for you and your son.

Christmas Eve is here now. I know there are many people here who I feel very grateful to have connected with through this forum. Thank you for sharing some of this years darkest moments with me. I wish you all the very very best for Christmas, especially during covid. I hope that you all have something joyful and comforting to enjoy. Much love and care as always. Liberty xxx

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, I’m just also wondering what could’ve made your addiction less severe for you? Did your parents give you any support or help in trying to overcome it?

Sending adoration, care and much luck at Christmas xx

[liberty]

Thanks Jaynhissay for your reply. That’s kind of reassuring to hear, i hope he does reach that point where the drugs can be behind him, I just don’t know if he ever will. It’s kind of you to reassure me that he does care and I think you’re right, it’s that coming second thing that gets me down.

If you grew up surrounded by everything you needed, why did your lifestyle choices lead you to being an addict? Was there a single event? Did you struggle with emotions, did you get a bit bored or was it something else. If you don’t mind me asking.

How are you doing lately? Especially with 2020 being so wretched.

Sending care xx

[liberty]

Thanks Jaynhissay for your reply. That’s kind of reassuring to hear, i hope he does reach that point where the drugs can be behind him, I just don’t know if he ever will. It’s kind of you to reassure me that he does care and I think you’re right, it’s that coming second thing that gets me down.

If you grew up surrounded by everything you needed, why did your lifestyle choices lead you to being an addict? Was there a single event? Did you struggle with emotions, did you get a bit bored or was it something else. If you don’t mind me asking.

How are you doing lately? Especially with 2020 being so wretched.

Sending care xx

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, your son, ok, that’s lovely. Good to hear.

Wow, that’s makes sense. You actually felt refreshed, ok. Thanks for the insight, I just cannot relate at all, not even, but I take your word for it. How does that compare to a few good nights sleep in a row? I mean is it because you were tired to begin with that, that boost let’s you think you’re refreshed, but are really just synthetically awake again? Is it like when you’ve been sick for such a long time that you forget what well feels like? (Sorry for the questions).

That’s wonderful you get to have your son, Christmas makes all the difference with a child / children around doesn’t it, I really wish you the best for every moment together. And I personally wouldn’t fear any potential poor lifestyle choices he’ll make, firstly, he’ll have your care and knowledge to take comfort in, and secondly, I expect he’s still a good few years away from being a teenager. You have all the time to build that parent/child trust and bond to reinforce your teachings when you finally get to that point. All it takes is time now, I’m sure. Did you have all of those things? (Again, don’t feel you have to answer that).

Thank you, I am looking forward to it. I have doubts though, because of fear and I just don’t know what’s right or good anymore. I think he does care about me, but does he want to take any responsibility for my happiness, it doesn’t seem that way. And I have done so much to try and keep him happy and safe and well, especially this year, when we’ve been forced apart. I know it’s really selfish, but I’m trying not to think in ‘us’ terms anymore, so as not to get all disappointed. Really sad I know.

Do you think sometimes the desire of the people around you, that them wanting you to stop adds extra pressure to the point where its overwhelming?

Sending care for Christmas xxx

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, and if you don’t mind me asking, do you feel it’s as draining for you as well as others? Do you know how others get exhausted by it? It’s exhausting for me at times, and I do suffer emotional turmoil, does my bf know how emotionally draining it is? I guess I’ll never understand the why, but I’m past caring now. I just want a good life, either together or apart.

I’ve decided to get my own place, somewhere new, it’s a lovely flat, a gorgeous area, quiet and safe with everything nearby – it can be a fresh start. I’ve told my bf I want him to make it a home, and although I’ve half accepted him for who he is, i can’t have his drugs around me.

I don’t know what’ll happen, it could go either way. It does feel like we’ve reached a point that we can’t go back, things are changing in one way or another.

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, thanks, that does make sense, but what is enough of something good to be able to focus on it for change? All this time I’ve been hoping it could be me and our relationship, the promise of the really good life we can have together, but for my bf all that and relationship has just never been enough. That thing to focus on, surely it’s got to be a better version of yourself, if it’s never for other people or the better world they can share with you.

It feels like you’ve had a rough couple of weeks too, is everything settled a bit for Xmas? Will you be able to see, did you say your daughter?

Appreciate your words and honesty, hope you’re taking care of yourself. Xxx

[liberty]

Coco1212, the thing with life, as I keep telling my bf boyfriend, is you have to show up. My doesn’t show up often. When he does life’s fantastic. The rest of the time it’s like coasting. You can’t be penalised for others not taking part in life, that’s just making everything hard on you.

And don’t worry about the sleep thing, just rest when you can. I suffered with terrible insomnia for years, I’m recovered from it now (to a degree). I used to be so fearful of not getting enough sleep that I couldn’t fall asleep. Turned out just to be circumstantial though. When the things that sat heavy on my mind were resolved or no longer affected my life in the same way, my sleep just went back to normal. I’m back to falling asleep at the drop of a hat again (most of the time). We’re very sensitive little things our bodies. Take care of yourself as much as you can. Xxx

[liberty]

Coco1212, you are not stupid. No one could ever call you that, you’re so far from stupid it’s unreal. You’ve kept your head, you’re managing what’s happening, it’s a situation beyond your control, and you’re controlling the tiny bits you can. Like the replacement Christmas presents.

Him getting his own place sounds a very sensible solution. You and your kids need a greater level of distance and protection than you have now. Having him move away from the family home is a very good idea. How can you facilitate that?

Totally behind you all the way xxx

Christmas is a difficult time for most as it is, you’ve got triple nightmare of this. It won’t be forever, life will improve. I am totally behind you.

Perhaps even a move away from the family home will do him good, finally let him see what it’s like to be away from the family unit. It could go either direction to the extreme, I suspect perhaps even both. You’ve done all you can while he’s been there with you, you’ve supported him so much, there’s honestly only so much you can do. Like I said before, people have to fix their own problems, there’s only so much the rest of us can help with. If he’s not doing that, it’s totally on him and you and the kids can’t keep suffering in this way.

[liberty]

Bump22, I would totally do the same, Lotto win or not, there’s so much more that can be done much earlier, if I ever get the chance I’ll do the same. I also think to a degree there’s much more that can be done to battle the war on drugs at source. My bf is a lifelong crack addict, he’s an intelligent, charismatic and wonderful guy, but behind closed doors (expect for me and his inner circle) he’s battling addiction on a daily basis. He enjoys the buzz and the battle though, he says he wants to stop, but a big part of me thinks there’s no way that’ll ever happen, which is heartbreaking.

Sending care and support xx

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, how are you doing? So good to hear from you.

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