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Hi navy
Im sorry things haven’t got better for you since he’s started therapy, and try and look after yourself. I know in rehab they get tested and have to be clean, if he is still using he is prob not ready to stop but fact he’s going therapy is a start, I’d say they try and treat the addiction first, again it was only when my husband wanted help they helped him with addiction, my husband hasn’t had help for mental health, he thinks he’s ok, so again it probably won’t be treated until he realises he needs help with that too. I wish they’d involve loved ones more in the whole process, but they only do if they give their permission which seems wrong xx
It is a shame and doesn’t make sense how someone you love can go so cold and lack so much empathy. From all I’ve seen they def all play the victim, and seem to develop narcissistic tendancies, I’m not sure whether the drug turns them into this or if it’s in them and just made worse. It seems a good therapy writing to them and I think even if you don’t give it to them re reading it reminds you how bad things are/ were.
This site helps knowing we are not alone, but is is sad knowing others are also going through it, and I guess we are all doing the same
Thank you and yes I’m going to take the opportunity to be free for myself and my children, as know long term it’s for the best, Christmas is going to be awful, but next year is a new start.
It probably sounds silly but I almost feel in mourning for my husband, our old life, my hopes and dreams for our future are all gone. I hope things improve for you and your husband gets help before it’s too late xx
I’m sorry to hear things are no better but glad you have started reaching out for support. Your letter sounds so heartfelt, did you give it to him?
my husband has seemed to lost all empathy since drugs, I can stand there in pieces and he doesn’t care, he’s come back from rehab so determined to stay clean, which is good, but wants to cut the negative out his life, which is me, I am finding it hard to be positive I hoped love would be enough but no xI feel rehab completely altered his mindset, while there he got so used to people saying what he did or said was right, and he interpreted it as everyone else in your life is the problem which is why you use, he said some people didn’t return to their families and started new lives miles away to stay clean
The second time he came out really determined to stay clean but he did not really come back into the family life, it feels like he was institutionalised at rehab and that’s how he copes, he’d stay up in the bedroom, buy his own food, cook his own meals, go running, go gym, up at 4.30 bed at 8
He’s found God and reads lots of spiritual help books so feels he’s the best version of himself, which is amazing but it’s almost at the detriment to our family I feel
I’m so sorry to read this and sadly I feel there is so much I can relate to, other threads I have read seem to be so similar in the way they punish those closest to them and almost make it all our fault
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I’m having the same problem with my husband since covid which also coincided with the birth of our daughter in 2020, I’m not sure I can give you any advice but wanted you to know you are not alone as what you said rings true to me too, he went to rehab just before Christmas last year after things spiralled out of control, he had a seizure so ended up in hospital and was up most nights on a rampage thinking I was drugging him and looking for the drugs as well as other things, his cocaine abuse meant he was up all night and slept all day so had a knock on effect on his business which has now gone into administration. We had ups and downs since rehab but things started going bad again a few weeks back and I found some used packets, he said it was a blip but then I found a week later 28 empty bags, then 2 empty and 2 full I asked him to stay at his sisters as didn’t want to go through it again and wanted to protect the children. I said he could come back when he started testing negative when he did he came back, as I was still unhappy, he’s decided we need to separate as my negativity is what makes him do it, I am really down as had thought all the lies and worry would stop, but they started again, he seems really excited to be moving on, but due to the business going I have no job, no car and now he wants me out the house so he can sell it. I just don’t know what to do, I feel I’ve lost everything due to his drug taking but him and his family seem to think it’s true that my negativity is the cause, we were happy before he started taking I just don’t know what to do, I’d hoped he’d change but think in my case nothing I do works and maybe I’d be better off separating</p>
Thank you for your reply x
I love my husband so much and don’t want to give up on him, although I am probably at an all time low in my life, which is not good for me or the children, I’m struggling to eat and leave the house as cry about everything, his family have said I need to make myself stronger or he’ll just keep bringing me down as knows I’ll take it but it’s easier said then done.
It may sound mad but your reply sounds like there is a chance of having a relationship after addiction, it sounds like it’s taken a lot of time but he is eventually realising his part and regretting some of his actions, I know this drug has changed him and he doesn’t need reminding at the moment how much he has hurt everyone, but I want to try and move on I just want him to stop blaming me then I can try and rebuild our life
Im sorry you aren’t sleeping I know how horrible it is and am using this forum as a get it off my chest to try and get to sleep myself.
Not while my husband was doing drugs but before I had children I suffered several miscarriages so know how lonely and horrible they make you feel and hope you get or have had support around this.
I have written on another post re the addiction but this is more about after which I too am struggling with. Does your husband let you talk about how you feel or have you had to pretend it never happened?
I had a few weeks after my husband came back from rehab that were so lovely but then we’d have a cross word and a whole load of abuse would get hurled at me, I’m not aloud to mention the drug taking but know it contributed to our relationship problems (even though he says our relationship caused the drug taking) I can cope with that as know it’s not true, but what I struggle with is him blaming me for affecting his relationship with his children, I’m very close to his children, the older ones saw him on coke in a paranoid state so many times and his son had to drag him off me while he was on top of me checking me for drugs he thought I’d hidden (he denied taking coke and thought I was drugging him) his son is now staying with family, he stayed for the weekend to give us a break so we could have a nice weekend together (that never happened as husband left) and stayed a couple of extra days rather then return home, I’m getting the blame for this as I’m such a horrible nasty person who makes it hell to live here, I know I’m not as the kids all come out of there rooms when he’s out but squirrel away when he’s in, I can’t say to much to him as worried he’ll start using again so can’t stick up for myself. I’m very close to leaving as literally can’t do anything right. He left his phone open on the side and a reply pinged up saying my baby, he had sent a selfie to a lady he met in rehab, I did say who the f is she but rather then explaining or apologising he left, 2 days he acted like nothing happened and I didn’t want to row in front of the kids, I did say I wasn’t ok with it and deserved an explanation, he said nothing happened but then went to “work” but never went, he rung me in the evening to say he gone to counselling (it’s a few hours drive) and he would not come home till I had counselling, as I’m the problem and make him use as I’m so argumentative, he then stayed with family for the whole weekend and I sat and cried while he had a lovely time. I don’t think I’m out of order being upset by what I saw, and have mentioned it to someone who said she’d have gone mad as it’s not ok to do that, I just don’t know what to do anymore xThank you for your reply James I was starting to doubt myself and think maybe I am to blame, also thinking if I’m so bad surely he’d be better off without me and we could maybe move on and find other people to make us happy
everything that you said hit home, I’ve been called cold so many times and have had so many sleepless nights I’ve lost count, did you and your ex have children?
I know things need to change as am a shell of the person I used to be, it’s a struggle to leave the house as feel so low, whatever I say or do is wrong, he leaves the house and goes to his family as talks to them not m, so I fo t have a clue what he’s thinking, I’ve got his family saying how much he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, although his actions don’t show this
the one good thing is he isn’t using but he’s come back so different, I don’t know if it will get easier or how long to let him do what he’s doing.
My husband has the same problem so I sympathise with you, and am sorry for anyone or any families going through this as it’s horrible.
i was embarrassed to tell or involve anyone else so put up with it for 2 1/2 years (not sure if he was taking it before) but when it got too bad for myself and children to deal with, bad paranoia 5 nights out of 7, I was being woken for a few hours a night about 2am as he thought we had burglars in our garden, i watched him run round in boxers chasing the men so he could show me they were real, it was trees and shadows, or him thinking a man, I was having an affair with was in our bed, so took covers, Mattress off to try and find him, and going through my phone for hours looking for proof, ( I wasn’t I had gone off men a bit at the time and was exhausted!) I was then getting up with a toddler, while he slept most of the day, then got up to do work, I reached out to his family for help and they helped get him into rehab which he has returned from.I know it isn’t going to be easy moving forward but what I’m struggling with is how I almost feel everyone’s blaming me for him doing it, his councillors, family and him
we bicker over silly things but now I’m not able to snap or moan (could be as silly as him saying there are no cups and me saying you know how to put the dishwasher on, yes it’s snapping but sure other wives would say same??) he now leaves the house cause I’ve raised my voice and goes to family till I’ve calmed down and rings counsellor, I’m a bit wtf and get more angry by the over reaction.
I am not sure if this will get easier but it’s quite exhausting, I was so pleased for him coming back and proud how he’s keeping clean but it’s like I’m treading on eggshells re everything
I’ve spoken to his councillor re this and he just said the drugs were to mask problems in our marriage and I need family counselling to deal with my issues, I feel it is easy for everyone to blame me but feel a bit ganged up on and alone.