[Lozzy80]

Well it’s another year…

First most sober Nye both myself and husband have ever had . We managed to watch the fireworks all around us and watched some Xmas films. I’d have loved every minute of it some years ago… But my heart is filled with so much sadness… As these moments I know are fleeting … He says this is going to be the year he changes… But he says this every year… And I used to get my hopes up… But I dont  anymore.

Just feel so stuck and quite sad this morning. Off to see family in a couple of hours so hopefully that will help get me out of this funk.

 

Hope you all are coping ok over NYE/ day …and hope you find peace and happiness in 2024

[Lozzy80]

Hi Rosie

I’m sorry you are also going through this… It’s pure torment

My mental health is shot to pieces so I’m trying to protect myself now and not get too hung up over his issues…easier said than done , I will soon feel at breaking point again soon when he asks for more money .. I have nothing left to give financially or emotionally to be honest

 

I went on anti depressants myself a couple of times but I refuse this time to let it get to me as bad as before…seeing my parents suffer with old age , dementia and now bouts in hospital has been a wake up call, I cannot waste my whole life worrying over him… This time if he wants to walk away I won’t stop him

Sounds like you are in a very difficult situation, but hope you can find a way through it soon try and talk to someone , maybe a counsellor or someone independent to help you see what options you have ..hoping things get better for you in 2024 xxx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

Hope you got through today ok. I know what you mean about the hiding and looking for an argument to be the next excuse to have a blow out.. it gets so draining…

 

My husband has kept his nose clean for last two days only due to staying with mum who needs us right now , my dad really not doing so good  ???? (it was so hard seeing him today in hospital mainly unresponsive:/) whilst husband isbt doing stuff he e is mainly absent …sleeping a lot…where I really could do.with supprt right now… Finding so hard to support everyone else in my family… I have to say this has to be the worst Xmas yet.. I don’t have my own children but do have a  brother and his two young ones who need my support right now (autism /special needs )… Just never known life get any harder than this!

 

[Lozzy80]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Trina</p>
How much more can you take , you’ve had so much to deal with. Hope you are getting the support you need , it sadly won’t be from him but hope you can turn to family, friends and professional help.

There are many many similar stories of coke addiction in this forum, mine included … Your statement about morning the life you could have had struck a cord with me… I had sooooo much hope, dreams and, goals when I married my husband, I thought we both did… I soon realised however he wasn’t going to be there as a father so I gave up on my dreams we decided best not to have children ????

I wish I could say they recover with a bit of determination and love and support , but you will see from many posts here …love, support , family to live for etc isn’t enough. They need proper help and I think there must be something else that has to happen inside of them for them to recover and remain sober..

Focus only on what you have control over – your own actions, decisions , choices … Start putting yourself and your children front and centre of your life, take care of yourself and spend time with positive people who lift you up not drag you down

It’s all easier said than done…I find keeping a journal and visiting here helps get me back in track . You’ve been through so much so I can tell you are so strong, and you will get through this

I wish you all the best for a peaceful happy future xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

Your last couple of posts could behave been written by me.

Things have been bought sharply into focus this wk, my dad is in hospital. It was touch n go first 24 hrs. Hubby was miraculously in one of his dry spells breifly so was nice to have his support (made me realise though all the times I felt alone dealing with these family long term health/care issues).. but low and behold he’s back to old habits today leaving me to face the music alone tomorrow. Yet the countless times I’ve been there for him when going through similar…

My husband has mh issues , he uses it as an excuse.. and has also said if I was home with him 24/7 he’d be ok…so I’ve tried it ..guess what… Even that doesn’t work …they find a way , an excuse ..

[Lozzy80]

Hi Marzi..

What a difficult position to be in

Addiction including recovery can be a very personal journey, do you think your dad would have minded his “sponsor” telling you , just feels a bit off this coming from his trusted sponsor and not himself doesn’t it..

Perhaps just reach out without letting him know that you know that peice of info (ask yourself who benefits from letting him know thst you know ..). Take things slow, see if he opens up , gauge where his head is at… Then maybe start to ask the more difficult questions.

Wishing you all the best xx

[Lozzy80]

Lottier

I’m so sorry to hear things are getting worse for you. Why are they so mean ???? Im sure it’s emotional abuse ???? sounds like he is very very controlling. How dare he decide alone to get rid of your dogs hope you have managed to keep them .. he must know he’s actions will really hurt you.

Is he getting the house ready for sale – the decluttering and vanishing personal touches… And the dogs ….just sounds like he is running away from his life and responsibilities… If that’s what rehab is about then I call bull shit ..  it should teach you to become a better person and communicator …not treat your loved ones who have stood by you like crap

I’m devastated for you ????  try and get him out of your mind now and focus on you and your happiness …the more difficult he tries and make it try and fight back….be more determined! Don’t let him see you upset or bothered…for now focus on getting out, with your mental health still in tact xx

 

[Lozzy80]

Hi jubbyj

It’s constant chaos and turmoil and until they get help and their actions show they are wanting to change , it just gets worse

It sounds as though you’re at that point of wanting to leave and to be honest I think it’s probably for the best. Don’t let him drag you down further.

I have been wanting to get out now for a long time but the ok /calmer times I get sucked back in, I still love him and cling onto hope . But it’s totally destroying me.

I’ve realised I need my own help, and I’ve reached out for help now and have a counselling referral currently going through ready to start in the new year – free via NHS.

If the counselling doesn’t help me get to a place where I can leave safely , I don’t know what else I can do…. My final straw was lending thousands to pay off dealers with a promise it was his final wake up call …3 weeks later in exactly same mess again, and the mood swings on top …just had enough!

I find keeping a journal also helps, reminds me I’m not going mad , and identify patterns more so know it’s not me (he will make out it is!)… So thats helped me keep my sanity a bit ….and seeking support here too has helped.

Wishing you strength and a peaceful future xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

So sorry to hear this , and totally understand those awful roller coaster of emotions that follow a relapse… We hold onto hope ..the good.gets dashed but they open up and talk more and we slowly start to build that hole again and pray they are making progress in the right direction …i think it’s like a game of snakes and ladders…sometimes they land on the ladder….but then slide down a snake…..just try and avoid the very long snake all way down to the bottom

My OH was ona relapse /bender for over a week and now sulking and depressed and worrying about , yet again how he can pay off his dealers .  I think he only opens up to me when he needs more £ …he then uses so e of it to pay of the debt instead of promising to totally clear it , and gets more. We are talkin often £1-£2k… I’m up to my limit on what I can afford to repay , hes borrowed from every friend and family.member he can (including my own family , putting me in more debt/embarrassment ).. and so I think he has finally ran out of options…so not sure where he goes from here but I have to stop the enabling

I’ve been accepted into counselling , they said I need this before I can move onto something like CBT . .really hoping it helps me get stronger and perhaps be ready to walk away

[Lozzy80]

Hi larouge

My heart goes out to you. Must have been terrifying giving cpr to your son. Is he now getting help following this ?

Do you have any friends or family to talk to, it really helps to be able to off load…we often don’t confide in others through fear of judgement but we really shouldn’t ..so many are going through it

This forum has been a huge support so sharing hear does help and it’s been a big stepping stone for me personally in seeking professional help i.e. counseling (surprisingly accepted by NHS quite quickly via self referral to my local MH service) to help me get past feeling helpless and stuck with my own current situation. It won’t make the problems for our loved ones go away, but I am hoping counselling makes me stronger.. it might be something to consider especially after that traumatic experience.we have to look after ourselves before we can help anyone else xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Abecca

Sorry to hear you are going through this. It is concerning that he seems to be escalating his aggressive behaviour and that is not ok under any circumstances  His behaviour towards you is abusive, and drink or drugs is no excuse for that.

He won’t get help or change unless he acknowledges he has a problem and also gets help. Sounds like he needs to work on controlling his emotions and stress better.

Please set clear boundaries and stick to them ,- something I am not great at doing myself and now I feel I’ve got into such a mess with my husband … His use wasn’t very day even when he racked up £kkk in debt …but it more or less is daily now and it’s a miserable life ????

Also please, if haven’t already, start thinking of safety planning, we always think they would never cause actual harm but its better to be prepared.. so think about what you would need to do for keeping you and yiur daughter safe… A friend/relative to stay with in an emergency , phone numbers /websites for women’s aid, refuge etc – lots of info online.

Wishing you strength and peace Xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Lottier

No I never showed him this letter as I can see it will make no difference, he constantly dismissed how I feel or the hurt and pain I am feeling as he is always much worse.  He’s certainly the victim and no one , including me , understands him.

Sorry to hear your partner is now pushing you away. Maybe time to embrace the opportunity to be free . Sorry I know it doesn’t help the pain right now ….????

[Lozzy80]

My last  post about choice is aimed at me and others too , sorry if it came across as a lecture ..think we get bogged down in the chaos and it’s advice I’ve had recently, we can only look at the choices we make / what’s in our circle of control. Still doesn’t make our decisions easy though!

[Lozzy80]

Wow, another year has passed since I wrote this letter and I didn’t think it could get any worse, but it has

I’m slowly reaching out for support now for myself. I’ve let my manager at work know things aren’t ok at home, and I’m trying to counselling.

Navy is right, we must look after ourselves, see friends and family, and be kind to ourselves.

[Lozzy80]

just be mindful that both you and your partner have choice .. you say as matter of fact you would not leave your partner over Christmas… That is still your choice same as your partner wants to choose to stay home to be there in case her daughter needs her..it’s still a choice … This isn’t the step daughter asking you to put life on hold.

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