[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

So sorry to hear this , and totally understand those awful roller coaster of emotions that follow a relapse… We hold onto hope ..the good.gets dashed but they open up and talk more and we slowly start to build that hole again and pray they are making progress in the right direction …i think it’s like a game of snakes and ladders…sometimes they land on the ladder….but then slide down a snake…..just try and avoid the very long snake all way down to the bottom

My OH was ona relapse /bender for over a week and now sulking and depressed and worrying about , yet again how he can pay off his dealers .  I think he only opens up to me when he needs more £ …he then uses so e of it to pay of the debt instead of promising to totally clear it , and gets more. We are talkin often £1-£2k… I’m up to my limit on what I can afford to repay , hes borrowed from every friend and family.member he can (including my own family , putting me in more debt/embarrassment ).. and so I think he has finally ran out of options…so not sure where he goes from here but I have to stop the enabling

I’ve been accepted into counselling , they said I need this before I can move onto something like CBT . .really hoping it helps me get stronger and perhaps be ready to walk away

[Lozzy80]

Hi larouge

My heart goes out to you. Must have been terrifying giving cpr to your son. Is he now getting help following this ?

Do you have any friends or family to talk to, it really helps to be able to off load…we often don’t confide in others through fear of judgement but we really shouldn’t ..so many are going through it

This forum has been a huge support so sharing hear does help and it’s been a big stepping stone for me personally in seeking professional help i.e. counseling (surprisingly accepted by NHS quite quickly via self referral to my local MH service) to help me get past feeling helpless and stuck with my own current situation. It won’t make the problems for our loved ones go away, but I am hoping counselling makes me stronger.. it might be something to consider especially after that traumatic experience.we have to look after ourselves before we can help anyone else xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Abecca

Sorry to hear you are going through this. It is concerning that he seems to be escalating his aggressive behaviour and that is not ok under any circumstances  His behaviour towards you is abusive, and drink or drugs is no excuse for that.

He won’t get help or change unless he acknowledges he has a problem and also gets help. Sounds like he needs to work on controlling his emotions and stress better.

Please set clear boundaries and stick to them ,- something I am not great at doing myself and now I feel I’ve got into such a mess with my husband … His use wasn’t very day even when he racked up £kkk in debt …but it more or less is daily now and it’s a miserable life ????

Also please, if haven’t already, start thinking of safety planning, we always think they would never cause actual harm but its better to be prepared.. so think about what you would need to do for keeping you and yiur daughter safe… A friend/relative to stay with in an emergency , phone numbers /websites for women’s aid, refuge etc – lots of info online.

Wishing you strength and peace Xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Lottier

No I never showed him this letter as I can see it will make no difference, he constantly dismissed how I feel or the hurt and pain I am feeling as he is always much worse.  He’s certainly the victim and no one , including me , understands him.

Sorry to hear your partner is now pushing you away. Maybe time to embrace the opportunity to be free . Sorry I know it doesn’t help the pain right now ….????

[Lozzy80]

My last  post about choice is aimed at me and others too , sorry if it came across as a lecture ..think we get bogged down in the chaos and it’s advice I’ve had recently, we can only look at the choices we make / what’s in our circle of control. Still doesn’t make our decisions easy though!

[Lozzy80]

Wow, another year has passed since I wrote this letter and I didn’t think it could get any worse, but it has

I’m slowly reaching out for support now for myself. I’ve let my manager at work know things aren’t ok at home, and I’m trying to counselling.

Navy is right, we must look after ourselves, see friends and family, and be kind to ourselves.

[Lozzy80]

just be mindful that both you and your partner have choice .. you say as matter of fact you would not leave your partner over Christmas… That is still your choice same as your partner wants to choose to stay home to be there in case her daughter needs her..it’s still a choice … This isn’t the step daughter asking you to put life on hold.

[Lozzy80]

Hi

 

I’ve seen from your later post you’ve decided to turn down your family’s invitation…but I sense from your post that this is a burden…if you step daughter isn’t around over Christmas you may be resentful with your partner for missing the family Christmas (even if your partner insisted you still went to see family?), be careful not to let this drive a wedge between you..

What does your partner want / expect over Christmas, do they want you to still see your family?  your family are important too…they might be the support network you need right now, I don’t think its selfish to want to spend time with them , recharge the batteries to give you strength for what you will face in the new year

[Lozzy80]

Hi peaches

 

So sorry to hear  you are also suffering the consequences ????

It’s so hard to keep our resolve. My husband has broken my boundaries multiple times, each time I try and stand firm, he will find a way to manipulate me and I’m black, and the hell returns. whilst he isn’t violent he’s very emotionally and financially abusive and the chaos n stress is now at a level I fear will kill me…

It’s the emotional manipulation you have to try and resist… Women’s aid or the domestic abuse helpline might be able to help /sign post u to local services if  you are in UK. I’ve come to realise after 5 yrs if this now I need outside help, it’s so hard to do this alone

 

Wishing you strength , and hope you find safety , peace and positive wellbeing xx

 

[Lozzy80]

Thanks Navy

I am trying to get help now with my mental health, and I am gearing my self up to contact other support services to discuss options for getting out of this marriage.

It’s been too many years of the same old sh** sadly I don’t think my husband is one of the ones that really want to change.

I hope you too are looking after yourself , we spend so much time and energy putting their needs first we end up neglecting ourselves and it’s no surprise we then end up with illness etc ..hope you are ok.

Take care

Lozzy xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi frazzlepop

I just replied on your own post , your situation sounds truly awful too

With us I doubt ss will get involved , no one is vulnerable…well he is and already under the mental health team so if I think he will attempt.suicide or should be sectioned I could.call them ..but as soon as they know he is intoxicated they will just put it down to that..

I did open up to a close friend once but she didn’t really get it… I got the impression she thought I was catastrophising and he isn’t really that bad…he is VERY switched on when he  needs to be , and (did have) a very respectable job etc…so outsiders would be gobsmacked if they knew what he was like indoors.  I just know it’s going to be impossible to get him to leave so he will live here forever at this rate whilst I pay the entire mortgage and bills (he has his own wage but it all goes on that stuff, yes all of it!).  If I don’t pay the bills my own job , and the home , would be at risk. I feel so stuck and have been going round and round on this dilemma for many years now

[Lozzy80]

Yes M , it completely goes against our instincts to be intimate with someone who has broken our trust. It takes me a long time to let my guard down again and then when I do, he soon breaks my trust again .. and I’m left feeling so crap and used…. Yep it’s a vicious circle

[Lozzy80]

Hi frazzlepop

What a nightmare for you and the rest of your family.

It might be worth speaking to your local police, they should have a domestic violence team or women’s aid .. Given the physical abuse you might be able to get a non molestation order and /or occupation order…sorry I’m not an expert but I know one of those is a legal route to getting him evicted and banned from coming near you, and your vulnersble disabled brother.

Even if your mum tries to stop you/the police etc just stay firm with your decision , it sounds as though you have nothing else to lose…you are fully within your rights to protect yourself and your disabled brother.

I’ve dreamed many times of just hiring a hotel room and chilling on my own to get away from my husband and get some peace …might just do that this Xmas,.sod the credit card already in debt what a an extra £150 or so, a.small.price for.some.peace and quiet

Hope things improve for you very soon

[Lozzy80]

Sorry my reply went off on a tangent and don’t know how to.edit. bringing it back to the Q – I know of a small handful of ppl where rehab has worked , not first attempt…but they were determined to change and built solid foundations for their recovery post Rehab including peer support , a career or hobbies /interests etc they were not triggers. Some of them have done amazingly well and I yearned for so.many years for that to one day be my husband..

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy , I’ve read some of your posts and they could have been written by me. If you still post on here be good to know how you are getting on now…

I’ve cracked so many times.. been on antidepressants for anxiety and depression, left but took him back , got into debt trying to bail him out from dealers etc…

I am now trying to get myself sorted as it’s taken its toll.on my physical and mental health… I  think the health issues I’ve had this yr, and a few other serious wake up calls about my husband’s cocaine use , has pushed me to this point – I am now preparing to leave him..

 

Anyway hope your ok and thank you for sharing your own struggle

Also thank you thistim3 for the  wise words.

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