[Lozzy80]

Hi

 

I’ve seen from your later post you’ve decided to turn down your family’s invitation…but I sense from your post that this is a burden…if you step daughter isn’t around over Christmas you may be resentful with your partner for missing the family Christmas (even if your partner insisted you still went to see family?), be careful not to let this drive a wedge between you..

What does your partner want / expect over Christmas, do they want you to still see your family?  your family are important too…they might be the support network you need right now, I don’t think its selfish to want to spend time with them , recharge the batteries to give you strength for what you will face in the new year

[Lozzy80]

Hi peaches

 

So sorry to hear  you are also suffering the consequences ????

It’s so hard to keep our resolve. My husband has broken my boundaries multiple times, each time I try and stand firm, he will find a way to manipulate me and I’m black, and the hell returns. whilst he isn’t violent he’s very emotionally and financially abusive and the chaos n stress is now at a level I fear will kill me…

It’s the emotional manipulation you have to try and resist… Women’s aid or the domestic abuse helpline might be able to help /sign post u to local services if  you are in UK. I’ve come to realise after 5 yrs if this now I need outside help, it’s so hard to do this alone

 

Wishing you strength , and hope you find safety , peace and positive wellbeing xx

 

[Lozzy80]

Thanks Navy

I am trying to get help now with my mental health, and I am gearing my self up to contact other support services to discuss options for getting out of this marriage.

It’s been too many years of the same old sh** sadly I don’t think my husband is one of the ones that really want to change.

I hope you too are looking after yourself , we spend so much time and energy putting their needs first we end up neglecting ourselves and it’s no surprise we then end up with illness etc ..hope you are ok.

Take care

Lozzy xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi frazzlepop

I just replied on your own post , your situation sounds truly awful too

With us I doubt ss will get involved , no one is vulnerable…well he is and already under the mental health team so if I think he will attempt.suicide or should be sectioned I could.call them ..but as soon as they know he is intoxicated they will just put it down to that..

I did open up to a close friend once but she didn’t really get it… I got the impression she thought I was catastrophising and he isn’t really that bad…he is VERY switched on when he  needs to be , and (did have) a very respectable job etc…so outsiders would be gobsmacked if they knew what he was like indoors.  I just know it’s going to be impossible to get him to leave so he will live here forever at this rate whilst I pay the entire mortgage and bills (he has his own wage but it all goes on that stuff, yes all of it!).  If I don’t pay the bills my own job , and the home , would be at risk. I feel so stuck and have been going round and round on this dilemma for many years now

[Lozzy80]

Yes M , it completely goes against our instincts to be intimate with someone who has broken our trust. It takes me a long time to let my guard down again and then when I do, he soon breaks my trust again .. and I’m left feeling so crap and used…. Yep it’s a vicious circle

[Lozzy80]

Hi frazzlepop

What a nightmare for you and the rest of your family.

It might be worth speaking to your local police, they should have a domestic violence team or women’s aid .. Given the physical abuse you might be able to get a non molestation order and /or occupation order…sorry I’m not an expert but I know one of those is a legal route to getting him evicted and banned from coming near you, and your vulnersble disabled brother.

Even if your mum tries to stop you/the police etc just stay firm with your decision , it sounds as though you have nothing else to lose…you are fully within your rights to protect yourself and your disabled brother.

I’ve dreamed many times of just hiring a hotel room and chilling on my own to get away from my husband and get some peace …might just do that this Xmas,.sod the credit card already in debt what a an extra £150 or so, a.small.price for.some.peace and quiet

Hope things improve for you very soon

[Lozzy80]

Sorry my reply went off on a tangent and don’t know how to.edit. bringing it back to the Q – I know of a small handful of ppl where rehab has worked , not first attempt…but they were determined to change and built solid foundations for their recovery post Rehab including peer support , a career or hobbies /interests etc they were not triggers. Some of them have done amazingly well and I yearned for so.many years for that to one day be my husband..

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy , I’ve read some of your posts and they could have been written by me. If you still post on here be good to know how you are getting on now…

I’ve cracked so many times.. been on antidepressants for anxiety and depression, left but took him back , got into debt trying to bail him out from dealers etc…

I am now trying to get myself sorted as it’s taken its toll.on my physical and mental health… I  think the health issues I’ve had this yr, and a few other serious wake up calls about my husband’s cocaine use , has pushed me to this point – I am now preparing to leave him..

 

Anyway hope your ok and thank you for sharing your own struggle

Also thank you thistim3 for the  wise words.

[Lozzy80]

Hi both I’m going through terrible similar times with my husband for last 5 or so.

This year matches , in fact bears, the year 5 yrs ago for total self destruction – throwing away his job/possibly entire career, any financial security we had left and our marriage in the process.

The only way they can earn trust is through their actions… When their actions don’t match their words the trust is broken…. And I’ve had my trust broken so many times Ive become totally disaffected now so that I cant feel the crushing disappointment anymore ???? it’s no way to live is it  ????

[Lozzy80]

Hi Lottier

Sounds really tough. I’ve not come out the other end yet with my husband , and foolishly I have hope every time he manages to stay clean for a couple of weeks , but really it’s only usually because he’s ran out of all options for borrowing  /lying etc to get more funds

When he is in these more sober moments he goes through all sorts of emotions, a temporary happiness (which I am questioning is fake ) so of course I get sucked back in ,   then there will be a sudden out burst anger and very nasty and manipulative, which I am thinking is perhaps the more real him.

Do you think your staying in hope the old him returns? Sorry to say it doesn’t seem much of a life , for both of us, always putting their needs first and even when we do , get treated like crap.

Is there any way you can reach out for support – family , counselling , GP ? Time to put yourself first… Spend time with your friends , laugh again and be you .. when you are well and happy you will get a better perspective and will realise you don’t need him around bringing you down anymore…he sounds very insecure and controlling and deep down perhaps knows once you do reach this point, you will leave.

Sending strength xx

 

[Lozzy80]

Hi Moosh

You sound like a very kind and caring person. Sadly an addict takes advantage, not necessarily intentional , the addiction takes over and it’s cruel and selfish and nothing else matters.

I know the desperation for a coke addict to change… We end up being consumed ourselves in it all and how we can get them to stop. But the harsh truth is we can’t. Only they can stop, if they want to and if they seek help. You cannot do this for him

Please focus on you, your own wellbeing and needs. Maybe get some counselling for yourself to help you understand your own needs and motivation for wanting to stay in this relationship. Sorry this is not meaning to sound judgement in any way whatsoever, just speaking from awful experience of the last 5 yrs with my cocaine addict husband.

 

Also please make sure you build your own support network – family and friends are so important when going through something as painful as this

I wish you all the very best

[Lozzy80]

Some tools that might help you at this stage :

The cycle of abuse wheel

FOG – fear , obligation, guilt

The two tools above might help you understand a bit more about the behaviours and feelings you are going through. They’ve definitely helped me..

 

If you search for them along with the term “abuse ” online they will easily be found.

 

I also started keeping a journal.evrry day of how I’m feeling , how my day went etc… I realised I’m happier and relaxed on days that don’t involve him… Helps to relfect and give you that motivation needed to leave.  Also helps when they try gaslight you a d deny certain events ever happened.

Do not store any of this where they can find it though, as they may escalate their manipulation/possibly be violent if they think they are losing their hold over you… I’m not trying to scare you…just sensing some red flags and want to make sure you are aware of the possible escalation that can happen especially when they are coming down off cocaine

 

 

 

[Lozzy80]

I’m so sorry Hays ????  my husband is addicted to cocaine too…and what I have come to realise when he is using , it comes above all other things that would be important to him…everything

 

We don’t have children so I cannot imagine dealing with that on top , I hope you can find support for yourself now … I’ve said on anothe thread this morning , we need help ourselves to break free from this cycle..it’s emotional abuse …the lies, deception, constantly being let down , mood swings , nasty comments , debts /financial ruin, list goes on doesnt it..

It hurts so much…I also value marriage as forever …I feel a failure .. it I know this is no way to live.

 
<p style=”text-align: center;”>I heard a good analogy the other day –  they are drowning in the lake, and rather than grabbing you with both hands and getting out…they are drowning and taking us with them</p>
 
<p style=”text-align: center;”></p>

[Lozzy80]

Hi Rabbito

 

Everything you are saying is from the same rule book many of us have experienced…I promise you you are not alone and this is not your fault xx

I 100% echo what gimmestrength and Emma123 have said , please get out!

I was a fiery , confident fit and healthy person 11 years ago before I met my husband.

I have ended up depressed, overweight and talk with a stammer… He’s shredded my self confidence to nothing.

 

He has gone through MANY “fresh starts “… Will pull out all the stops to keep me sweet… Seek mental health help , recover   go to self help groups, pretend he’s fine for a few months , join me at family events go on holidays…the stuff normal couples do! It makes the falls feel so much harder each time .

 

I’m slowly coming to realise I have to get out (not for the first time) and I’ve been advised I probably need help for myself to understand why I am co-dependent. I am going to be reaching out to domestic violance groups like women’s aid… I suggest you do the same , as they will truly understand and be able to help provide the right support we need to break free.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I wish you all the very best , please take care of yourself and take this advice here so you don’t have to go through the same misery over the coming years…don’t waste your own life. Feel free to DM me if that’s an option on here.  Xx</p>
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Lozzy80]

Hi Vivian

I am in a similar boat. I too haven’t left .. I did leave 4 yrs ago and he seemed to get his shit together for a bit so we got back together and after a few months it was a slow decline back to old ways to point where now it was as bad as back then…this time he says he really has changed…it’s early days and we’ve been here many times before. something does feel different this time… I’ve mentally prepared myself and will go to seek help/shelter from relatives for a bit as I need to break away if he goes down that path again ..I keep saying if as I feel I need to have some tiny grain of hope for him… I do believe he genuinely wants to change …he’s admitted he’s an addict and can’t stop without help…he’s started joining meetings on line and counting his days clean… Its hard he still has mood swings…and huge debt worries.. but let’s see… I just know I can’t go through it ever again ..my lowest point was two weeks ago which impacted my own mental health and safety. I’ve now promised myself he ever crossed that line again and I’m out and I can honestly say I’ve done everything I possible can to support him

All the while we stand by them and they use , our own needs are ignored. We only have one life , do we really want to see it pass by in their misery .  Don’t ever feel guilty for putting yourself first including walking away

 

 

 

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