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Hi both I’m going through terrible similar times with my husband for last 5 or so.
This year matches , in fact bears, the year 5 yrs ago for total self destruction – throwing away his job/possibly entire career, any financial security we had left and our marriage in the process.
The only way they can earn trust is through their actions… When their actions don’t match their words the trust is broken…. And I’ve had my trust broken so many times Ive become totally disaffected now so that I cant feel the crushing disappointment anymore ???? it’s no way to live is it ????
Hi Lottier
Sounds really tough. I’ve not come out the other end yet with my husband , and foolishly I have hope every time he manages to stay clean for a couple of weeks , but really it’s only usually because he’s ran out of all options for borrowing /lying etc to get more funds
When he is in these more sober moments he goes through all sorts of emotions, a temporary happiness (which I am questioning is fake ) so of course I get sucked back in , then there will be a sudden out burst anger and very nasty and manipulative, which I am thinking is perhaps the more real him.
Do you think your staying in hope the old him returns? Sorry to say it doesn’t seem much of a life , for both of us, always putting their needs first and even when we do , get treated like crap.
Is there any way you can reach out for support – family , counselling , GP ? Time to put yourself first… Spend time with your friends , laugh again and be you .. when you are well and happy you will get a better perspective and will realise you don’t need him around bringing you down anymore…he sounds very insecure and controlling and deep down perhaps knows once you do reach this point, you will leave.
Sending strength xx
Hi Moosh
You sound like a very kind and caring person. Sadly an addict takes advantage, not necessarily intentional , the addiction takes over and it’s cruel and selfish and nothing else matters.
I know the desperation for a coke addict to change… We end up being consumed ourselves in it all and how we can get them to stop. But the harsh truth is we can’t. Only they can stop, if they want to and if they seek help. You cannot do this for him
Please focus on you, your own wellbeing and needs. Maybe get some counselling for yourself to help you understand your own needs and motivation for wanting to stay in this relationship. Sorry this is not meaning to sound judgement in any way whatsoever, just speaking from awful experience of the last 5 yrs with my cocaine addict husband.
Also please make sure you build your own support network – family and friends are so important when going through something as painful as this
I wish you all the very best
Some tools that might help you at this stage :
The cycle of abuse wheel
FOG – fear , obligation, guilt
The two tools above might help you understand a bit more about the behaviours and feelings you are going through. They’ve definitely helped me..
If you search for them along with the term “abuse ” online they will easily be found.
I also started keeping a journal.evrry day of how I’m feeling , how my day went etc… I realised I’m happier and relaxed on days that don’t involve him… Helps to relfect and give you that motivation needed to leave. Also helps when they try gaslight you a d deny certain events ever happened.
Do not store any of this where they can find it though, as they may escalate their manipulation/possibly be violent if they think they are losing their hold over you… I’m not trying to scare you…just sensing some red flags and want to make sure you are aware of the possible escalation that can happen especially when they are coming down off cocaine
I’m so sorry Hays ???? my husband is addicted to cocaine too…and what I have come to realise when he is using , it comes above all other things that would be important to him…everything
We don’t have children so I cannot imagine dealing with that on top , I hope you can find support for yourself now … I’ve said on anothe thread this morning , we need help ourselves to break free from this cycle..it’s emotional abuse …the lies, deception, constantly being let down , mood swings , nasty comments , debts /financial ruin, list goes on doesnt it..
It hurts so much…I also value marriage as forever …I feel a failure .. it I know this is no way to live.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>I heard a good analogy the other day – they are drowning in the lake, and rather than grabbing you with both hands and getting out…they are drowning and taking us with them</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”></p>Hi Rabbito
Everything you are saying is from the same rule book many of us have experienced…I promise you you are not alone and this is not your fault xx
I 100% echo what gimmestrength and Emma123 have said , please get out!
I was a fiery , confident fit and healthy person 11 years ago before I met my husband.
I have ended up depressed, overweight and talk with a stammer… He’s shredded my self confidence to nothing.
He has gone through MANY “fresh starts “… Will pull out all the stops to keep me sweet… Seek mental health help , recover go to self help groups, pretend he’s fine for a few months , join me at family events go on holidays…the stuff normal couples do! It makes the falls feel so much harder each time .
I’m slowly coming to realise I have to get out (not for the first time) and I’ve been advised I probably need help for myself to understand why I am co-dependent. I am going to be reaching out to domestic violance groups like women’s aid… I suggest you do the same , as they will truly understand and be able to help provide the right support we need to break free.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I wish you all the very best , please take care of yourself and take this advice here so you don’t have to go through the same misery over the coming years…don’t waste your own life. Feel free to DM me if that’s an option on here. Xx</p>
Hi Vivian
I am in a similar boat. I too haven’t left .. I did leave 4 yrs ago and he seemed to get his shit together for a bit so we got back together and after a few months it was a slow decline back to old ways to point where now it was as bad as back then…this time he says he really has changed…it’s early days and we’ve been here many times before. something does feel different this time… I’ve mentally prepared myself and will go to seek help/shelter from relatives for a bit as I need to break away if he goes down that path again ..I keep saying if as I feel I need to have some tiny grain of hope for him… I do believe he genuinely wants to change …he’s admitted he’s an addict and can’t stop without help…he’s started joining meetings on line and counting his days clean… Its hard he still has mood swings…and huge debt worries.. but let’s see… I just know I can’t go through it ever again ..my lowest point was two weeks ago which impacted my own mental health and safety. I’ve now promised myself he ever crossed that line again and I’m out and I can honestly say I’ve done everything I possible can to support him
All the while we stand by them and they use , our own needs are ignored. We only have one life , do we really want to see it pass by in their misery . Don’t ever feel guilty for putting yourself first including walking away
Hi Navy . Kulstar and elf …
Posted the following but in the wrong part of the thread , so sorry if this the second time reading this…
My husband has been through the cycle of addition and short lived bursts of recovery (lasting no longer than 14-21 days max) for years now … Its beyond laughable when he says this time he means it.
I feel your words Kulstar really resonated with me about hiding behind mental health and it becoming a game. On the massive comedown from last week I feel this is where my husband is at …I feel guilty …he has admitted this time he needs outside help…but I think he’s just saying it to make me stay and for financial bail out… Until today he was very apologetic, making all the right noises about getting help , spoke to his psychiatrist got CBT stuff to do, attended meetings online… But today he was cocky one minute, next minute will be mad at me because I’ve reacted the wrong way to his claims he’s gonna change… I felt all day he was goading me. It ended with me in tears and sleeping on the sofa as I can’t stand to be around him like this
Just feel awful because deep down my view is he is playing a game…he got what he wanted which was getting out of any of his financial responsibilities for this month (he’s broke and for first time in 4 yrs I’ve had to pay all the bills myself and cover his priority debts ) …and he’s got some more.time off work…. Now that’s all sorted I find it all too convenient that the humble guy yesterday is now being cocky , sarcastic and flying off the handle /gas lighting me saying my reactions are spiteful , nasty etc when I know this is far from what I am .
Maybe i am wrong this time ..and I don’t doubt that in the moment he means it when he says never again .. but all I ask is for one minute he stops and has a think.about what this has been like from my perspective… Frightening when I think he could collapse or fall down the stairs at any minute …extremely worrying the debts racking up again … And frightening the dealers now coming to our front door . Yet he thinks I am out of order for having some doubts that he will stick to being abstinent from now on ????
Elf you have just described my husband….are we married to the same person?!?!.
Thank you to you Navy and Kulstar for sharing what you are all going through I’ve been reading this thread and Kulstars story over and over again since the massive blow out 7 days ago .
My husband has been through the cycle of addition and short lived bursts of recovery (lasting no longer than 14-21 days max) for years now … Its beyond laughable when he says this time he means it.
I feel your words Kulstar really resonated with me about hiding behind mental health and it becoming a game. On the massive comedown from last week I feel this is where my husband is at …I feel guilty …he has admitted this time he needs outside help…but I think he’s just saying it to make me stay and for financial bail out… Until today he was very apologetic, making all the right noises about getting help , spoke to his psychiatrist got CBT stuff to do, attended meetings online… But today he was cocky one minute, next minute will be mad at me because I’ve reacted the wrong way to his claims he’s gonna change… I felt all day he was goading me. It ended with me in tears and sleeping on the sofa as I can’t stand to be around him like this
Just feel awful because deep down my view is he is playing a game…he got what he wanted which was getting out of any of his financial responsibilities for this month (he’s broke and for first time in 4 yrs I’ve had to pay all the bills myself and cover his priority debts ) …and he’s got some more.time off work…. Now that’s all sorted I find it all too convenient that the humble guy yesterday is now being cocky , sarcastic and flying off the handle /gas lighting me saying my reactions are spiteful , nasty etc when I know this is far from what I am ..
Whole thing stinks ????
Hi Pennyloo.
Sorry you’re also being impacted by this horrible nightmare.
Sadly the cold hard truth is your brother won’t change until he really wants to . You have no control over it I’m sorry to say. I suffer with anxiety really bad and one of the best bits of advice I’ve had is focus on the things I do have control over. You might have to make some very difficult decisions , horrible you have been put in this situation not of your choosing …but there are choices for you even if seems v limited
Is there a friend or other relative you can stay with – if he won’t leave and it’s impacting your studies…you need to explore this as a possibility
Can you speak to your mum , and get an agreement on boundaries, that when he is like this he has to leave ? This is not something fully inside your control if this is your mum’s house and her rules it will need her full buy in …don’t resent her if she refuses to ask him to leave …. Many stories from mother’s on here will show you just how torn they are due to this.
Is there someone at the uni – a counselor ? Definitely need to start reaching out and getting outside help for yourself….it will help you get perspective and consider all your options
I wish you all the best with your studies
Lozzy x
I’m so sorry ???? this must have come as a huge shock but slowly you had the nagging feeling that it wasn’t right ..and now you know the full picturr and sadly the extent of issues it can cause …debts rack up VERY quickly.
It does feel we were lied to, cheated. I am not sure when my husband became an addict …sorry to say I myself enjoyed drugs with him recreationally when we got together…I don’t recall him ever taking it too far though and we were both comfortable financially for a long time. So I don’t think he was an addict back then….something just changed, a few years after his dad dying he seemed to have some sort of breakdown. Then the last 5-6 years have been a blur really , his drug use over shadowing everything else.
Has your partner said he wants to get help and change ? Even if you stay with him and he appears keen to change please set some very strict boundaries. I never lend my husband money now…it never gets repaid and way I see it is one of us has to stay financially afloat. He is in a lot of debt …over £30k for loans , repaying for a V long time with some debt solution agreement .. I lent him £1000s on top of this …so did family….so the true extent of how much £ has gone on cocaine I dread to think.
So keep your boundaries.. look after you…if your instincts are screaming out LEAVE then do it now before you get more entangled.. don’t look back , don’t stay with him out of pity. Don’t waste your life like I feel I have done xx
Those that recover they are not the same …we all grow…and recovering is a massive part of growing and changing but for the better .
.for those that don’t recover then…some of that old person is still there (and for those of us that fall in love with them that’s what we can see still a bit …) But their minds and life is just totally controlled by the horrible addiction
It seems the answer , for many addicts at least , they reach their rock bottom before they do something about it ..usually that involves pushing everyone and everything away 🙁 but sometimes I do hear the odd success story of families that stay together and I suppose we cling onto that hope , that the same will happen for us