[Lozzy80]

Thanks Navy, I have just replied to your thread in the share your story board.

Sounds like we are both really going through the mill .. how are you now ? Have you walked away?

Thank you and same to you hope your taking care of yourself xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy . Kulstar and elf …

 

Posted the following but in the wrong part of the thread , so sorry if this the second time reading this…

My husband has been through the cycle of addition and short lived bursts  of recovery (lasting no longer than 14-21 days max) for years now … Its beyond laughable when he says this time he means it.

I feel your words Kulstar really resonated with me about hiding behind mental health and it becoming a game. On the massive comedown from last week I feel this is where my husband is at …I feel guilty …he has admitted this time he needs outside help…but I think he’s just saying it to make me stay and for financial bail out… Until today he was very apologetic, making all the right noises about getting help , spoke to his psychiatrist got CBT stuff to do, attended meetings online… But today he was cocky one minute, next minute will be mad at me because I’ve reacted the wrong way to his claims he’s gonna change… I felt all day he was goading me. It ended with me in tears and sleeping on the sofa as I can’t stand to be around him like this

Just feel awful because deep down my view is he is playing a game…he got what he wanted which was getting out of any of his financial responsibilities for this month (he’s broke and for first time in 4 yrs I’ve had to pay all the bills myself and cover his priority debts ) …and he’s got some more.time off work…. Now that’s all sorted I find it all too convenient that the humble guy yesterday is now being cocky , sarcastic and flying off the handle /gas lighting me saying my reactions are spiteful , nasty etc when I know this is far from what I am .

 

Maybe i am wrong this time ..and I don’t doubt that in the moment he means it when he says never again .. but all I ask is for one minute he stops and has a think.about what this has been like from my perspective… Frightening when I think he could collapse or fall down the stairs at any minute …extremely worrying the debts racking up again … And frightening the dealers now coming to our front door .  Yet he thinks I am out of order for having some doubts that he will stick to being abstinent from now on ????

[Lozzy80]

Elf you have just described my husband….are we married to the same person?!?!.

Thank you to you Navy and Kulstar for sharing what you are all going through I’ve been reading this thread and Kulstars story over and over again since the massive blow out 7 days ago .

My husband has been through the cycle of addition and short lived bursts  of recovery (lasting no longer than 14-21 days max) for years now … Its beyond laughable when he says this time he means it.

I feel your words Kulstar really resonated with me about hiding behind mental health and it becoming a game. On the massive comedown from last week I feel this is where my husband is at …I feel guilty …he has admitted this time he needs outside help…but I think he’s just saying it to make me stay and for financial bail out… Until today he was very apologetic, making all the right noises about getting help , spoke to his psychiatrist got CBT stuff to do, attended meetings online… But today he was cocky one minute, next minute will be mad at me because I’ve reacted the wrong way to his claims he’s gonna change… I felt all day he was goading me. It ended with me in tears and sleeping on the sofa as I can’t stand to be around him like this

Just feel awful because deep down my view is he is playing a game…he got what he wanted which was getting out of any of his financial responsibilities for this month (he’s broke and for first time in 4 yrs I’ve had to pay all the bills myself and cover his priority debts ) …and he’s got some more.time off work…. Now that’s all sorted I find it all too convenient that the humble guy yesterday is now being cocky , sarcastic and flying off the handle /gas lighting me saying my reactions are spiteful , nasty etc when I know this is far from what I am ..

 

Whole thing stinks ????

 

 

[Lozzy80]

Hi Pennyloo.

Sorry you’re also being impacted by this horrible nightmare.

 

Sadly the cold hard truth is your brother won’t change until he really wants to .  You have no control over it I’m sorry to say.  I suffer with anxiety really bad and one of the best bits of advice I’ve had is focus on the things I do have control over. You might have to make  some very difficult decisions , horrible you have been put in this situation not of your choosing …but there are choices for you even if seems v limited

Is there a friend or other relative you can stay with – if he won’t leave and it’s impacting your studies…you need to explore this as a possibility

Can you speak to your mum , and get an agreement on boundaries, that when he is like this he has to leave ? This is not something fully inside your control if this is your mum’s house and her rules it will need her full buy in …don’t resent her if she refuses to ask him to leave …. Many stories from mother’s on here will show you just how torn they are due to this.

Is there someone at the uni – a counselor ? Definitely need to start reaching out and getting outside help for yourself….it will help you get perspective and consider all your options

 

I wish you all the best with your studies

 

Lozzy x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Lozzy80]

Thanks for sharing your story Kulstar.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I had to cover all the bills for this month and sub him for other priority debts as his full month’s wage went on coke plus still owes..  he cannot recall anything from the other night. He now says he wants to change , but can’t do it without professional help. He’s contacted some charity as a first step , first time he’s ever done thisz and is joining an online meeting tomorrow. We’ve talked a lot all day about his demons , his triggers etc. He admitted he’s scared, as he has MH issues and he’s managed to dull the bad thoughts over last few yrs but worried it’s all coming back now.</p>
 

[Lozzy80]

I’m so sorry ???? this must have come as a huge shock but slowly you had the nagging feeling that it wasn’t right ..and now you know the full picturr and sadly the extent of issues it can cause …debts  rack up VERY quickly.

It does feel we were lied to, cheated. I am not sure when my husband became an addict …sorry to say I myself enjoyed drugs with him recreationally when we got together…I don’t recall him ever taking it too far though and we were both comfortable financially for a long time. So I don’t think he was an addict back then….something just changed,  a few years after his dad dying he seemed to have some sort of breakdown. Then the last 5-6 years have been a blur really , his drug use over shadowing everything else.

Has your partner said he wants to get help and change ? Even if you stay with him and he appears keen to change please set some very strict boundaries. I never lend my husband money now…it never gets repaid and way I see it is one of us has to stay financially afloat. He is in a lot of debt …over £30k for loans , repaying for a V long time with some debt solution agreement .. I lent him £1000s on top of this …so did family….so the true extent of how much £ has gone on cocaine I dread to think.

So keep your boundaries.. look after you…if your instincts are screaming out LEAVE then do it now before you get more entangled.. don’t look back , don’t stay with him out of pity. Don’t waste your life like I feel I have done xx

[Lozzy80]

Those that recover they are not the same …we all grow…and recovering is a massive part of growing and changing but for the better .

.for those that don’t recover then…some of that old person is still there (and for those of us that fall in love with them that’s what we can see still a bit …) But their minds and life is just totally controlled by the horrible addiction

[Lozzy80]

It seems the answer , for many addicts at least ,  they reach their rock bottom before they do something about it ..usually that involves pushing everyone and everything away 🙁 but sometimes I do hear the odd success story of families that stay together and I suppose we cling onto that hope , that the same will happen for us

[Lozzy80]

Oh meant to add he came back within the hour …ringing the doorbell ???? at least he’s still not out wandering the streets . I presume he went out to get more . He is now in a fairly comatose state . No point speaking to him when like this he doesn’t really respond

[Lozzy80]

Hi Kulstar

Firstly – that’s amazing that you are now in recovery hope you continue to work on yourself, never let your guard down ..keep doing whatever it is that I’d keeping you clean

Thank you for your honest advice  most appreciated. What did the police do ? Were you arrested? What was the consequences?

I’m so scared to call the police , it will be career ending for my husband

He hasn’t been as bad as this since 4 years ago, I walked out. He got his act together for a bit , it was a really long hard rd , got help for his mental health but still continued to use just on a more modest (for him) basis.

He was making such an effort with me, and my family recently too.. seemed to be best he had been in a long time … Now this massive crash

 

 

 

 

[Lozzy80]

Its not selfish. He has totally crossed your boundaries and brought dsnger into your home so the police was the last resort , you did what you had to do to keep yourself self.

Is there anyone you can contact , a family member or friend ? You sound like you have hit beyond crisis point and you need to get help …there is Samaritans 116 123

Hope you stay safe xx

 

 

[Lozzy80]

To help me sleep I listen to podcasts … It works most the time now unless my anxiety is sky high then nothing seems to help I just have to wait it out til about 4 days of no sleep I end up passing out !

[Lozzy80]

This all sounds so familiar , I too have left my husband before on far more serious circs to be fair…but after several months Id even gone to the solicitors and was getting the divorce sorted…of course first thing he did was sell the wedding rings …stupidly I put my rose tinted glasses on and took him back..that was the last time I was deadly serious about leaving him , 4 yrs ago now…

I am a people pleaser type of person …helping others …and it’s become my undoing. I find anti depressants do nothing for insomnia sadly …hope Dr can give you some advice.

 

[Lozzy80]

I feel your pain .. it’s heart wrenching . I’ve left my husband tonight..

Addiction is so cruel and causes so much pain …I too keep asking why? Why can he not fight for us , but addiction takes over and it doesn’t make sense

Clinging on to hope that one day soon …they will get clean and stay clean. I see friends on Facebook etc who have come through the other side.. I feel a pang of jealousy, why can’t that be him?

So I’m so sorry…and I do understand to some degree what you are going through … Do you have anyone you can turn to , and be with you right now? If the lack of sleep continues please see your doctor …  Hang in there… And take it hour by hour at the moment… Baby steps..be kind to yourself

[Lozzy80]

Hi Jessie your husband is bang out of order and not because of his addiction. He is violent and abusive and does not deserve you 🙁 please have faith in yourself you know deep down that twisting upside down feeling in your stomach ? Do you get that around him , even if it’s not often , that’s your instinct kicking in to tell you you know it’s not good and to get away . Please don’t care what his family think , they of course will take his side. They are not in the relationship , it’s you and him ..and this is detrimental to you …you don’t need to put yourself through any more of his crap you have suffered enough
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Please have a search for womens aid forum to get support there , or contact your local centre  ..they have been there and will know how to help you. Please take care of yourself.</p>
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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