[lucy]

My heart goes out to you bcoz i too was in your position and i was truly torn between my love for my partner and for the need to live a stable life with no uncertainty and no more heartache i did get to a place where i new i cud only change myself not my partner i cud show him i was there for him but i had to consider weather he wud eva b free from heroin and if i wanted a life that had amazing highs when my partner was clean he was all i eva dreamed ov my soulmate but in reality had come to realise this cycle may never change i started to put myself first but dont know if i cud have ever have truly walked away..my partner sadly passed away earlier this year after an overdosee and myself n my children have lost somebody simply irreplaceable our lives will forver be effected by the loss of him but i no in my heart i did everything i cud for him and i think if you remain their for him but try n focus on yourself you will be able to move forward with your own life..i wish you luck n happiness

[lucy]

@LauraZamora34…wtf are you on with?? Go and find yourself somewhere else to post your adverts

[lucy]

And if he has been using heroin for 8 years regardless of weather he thinks he has it under control..he hasnt! like the above post says..heroin robs you of everything including your soul!! hope he has some awakening of his usage soon and starts to get honest but to be honest this is unlikely

[lucy]

Hi…it is the worse thing to experience the torture of loving a partner,son etc who is an addict because i do get where you are coming from you love them want to support them and it is soul destroying however when he is abusing you and when he isnt trying to get help there has to b a point that you step back and put the focus on your own life because you cannot change them the only person you can change is yourself and it doesnt sound like it is a great environment for your son to grow up in..you say they adore each other but really do you want him scarred for life if he is enduring abuse and being left for periods of time while he goes and scores because that in and out of his life isnt fair on him..ive been thru all of this and have children and have had the clean times and the times in active addiction with my partner but never would i have had him kicking shit out of me..im not saying he couldnt be abusive because he could the addiction brought me to my knees but trust me he has to be actively trying to get help and you need to get to a point where you step back or yes this will continue and yes you will be muggin yourself off.

Hope you can get the courage to put urself first..and find some inner peace soon

[lucy]

I no exactly how u feel bcoz it is what i felt..it took over my life at tyms and my kids would see me broken or they would see the fights between us when i had found out he was using again etc i wouldnt wish the pain u r feeling now or i am feeling now when they are no longer here on my worst enemy..i went thru it alone bcoz i wasnt close to my fam so i would rarely talk about wot i was going thru with anybody..we had a million god tyms and he had tyms where he was well and clean and working etc but it was a constant back and forth and on and off wen relapse came around again..he was my best mate and a good person i think amny people think of an addict as a low life as someone that is horrible but myn wasnt..yea he changed wen using again and yea he caused me alot of pain thats wot heroin turns them into but he WAS MY SOUL MATE he didnt treat me bad i wouldnt have allowed it we had a great relationship most of the tym and that was worse bcoz i no how happy we coud have been for life if he could have beaten it..u need to put boundaries down bcoz they will take advantage even if they dont want to bcoz drugs are the most important thing to them and so if u let them take they will bcoz they need too…let him no u r there for him and that u love him but that he has to seek help etc if they always have a crutch if they never feel they have lost it all why have they any reason to stop…saying that tho sometyms it can take many rock bottoms before they can do it x

[lucy]

In the first few years there were crazy arguments i was completely involved in the madness of addiction by taking it personally, trying to help, not understanding the facts behind addiction..but i realised that i could only change myself and that my partner actually may never stop (we had been thru everything together and i had been brought to my knees in despair in the process) and so i loved him i was still there for him but my hope had all but gone that we would have the future i once dreamed ov and i new i wouldnt be able to live this half life forever and so stopped taking it personally i realised he had no choice once a relapse had happened and that it wasnt because he didnt want to be with me or that no amount of driving myself crazy could stop him and so learnt to accept although that took me about 4 years and hurt like hell to see another relapse and i still supported him i just let him come to me etc it is like a living nightmare knowing that he has now passed away bcoz of that drug,,all the years fighting have been for nothing and he has left a hole in our life that will never be filled..he was such a big character full ov life and energy and cant believe he was not able to beat it even if my hope was slowly dying..life is cruel he gave it everything he had to beat it and had so much life to live..bless u all in your loved ones fightx

[lucy]

Their life is hell..they do feel worthless and shame and guilt for the pain they cause their partner etc…@kyla the pain ov seein them relapse and go from lookin good and havin a spark back in their eyes to seein them lookin like they r just existing used to kill me i no he is free now and at peace but im desperate for ten more minutes with him i loved him more than life itself but yano yaself that after so long u gota put u first coz the only person u can change is u

[lucy]

U prob havent got out of this relationship but u dno how lucky u r to only have been involved inn the shit u r in for this long so from experience walk away..my partner has recently passed away due to his addiction and the pain of seeing someone u hav been with for years try and fight their addiction and then for it to come to this..for him to have been killed from it is the worst pain it has destroyed me and your man aint even treatin u or ur kids right even without the drugs i wouldnt av stood for that put u first coz im tellin u he will only b able to put himself first untill he is clean

[lucy]

Hope u are all staying strong…it is the hardest thing in the world..loving an addict…u dont want them to suffer u but when it gets to a certain point u start to have to pull away…its torture at tyms…i wish with all my heart i could have my partner back to share a life with again talk to him hug him and that evil drug robbed us ov ever doing that again…losing him 12 days ago and so suddenly is hell dont no how i will carry on with life but i do no that regardless of being desperate to do all ov the above i no he is free..no more pain and no more struggles…and i did everything i could…care and love them but i completely understand the need to stand back they hate the life they live as much as you and dont want to hurt any of their loved ones they just end up doing so bcoz when in addiction it rules their life they no longer have choices…its the hardest position to b in and i pray u all stay strong do what u feel is best for u and remind ur loved ones they r loved xxx

[lucy]

Thanks for thinking ov me and much love to u x

[lucy]

@concerned mum thanku…i take some comfort knowing that he is at peace..he has no struggles anymore no worries i just cant believe it had to be in this way..i am desperate to hug him again or to hear his voice..feel abit cut off aswell bcoz his family are next of kin and in a different town so i have no immediate details just waiting on them to be in touch and i fear thay they will not think of me when planning the funeral etc despite being together for all these years and being the one who supported him thru it in those years…i miss him terribly already xxxx

[lucy]

My partner has smoked heroin for about 15years on and off and i have been with him (he was clean and i was niave to addiction) for six years. He has done rehab;scripts;clean time; n.a; jail; he has tried it all and ive been thru it all..he is currently on a script of methadone but i recently found out he used on top..its just another kick in the teeth and reminder that this may never end and so im currrently trying to maintain some sort of seperation..xx

[lucy]

Its like a rejection when they turn on you and say things like ok i wont contact u again or like myn has just said that he is done with ME fucking HIS head up..(sorry about the language)and when he turns it on me its like a part of me feels the strength I felt that I had made this decision has been taken from me and its that feeling of rejection that in the past effects me hurts me and pulls me back i suppose that thought that i will b alone..but most of me feels strong still and able to tell myself that this is exactly the type of behaviour i dont want in my life anymore. X

[lucy]

He has just gone on with the “ok ill never contact you again if thats how u feel” but im just goin to try and call him at his bluff and not get into a conversation about it coz it will drag me in and im at the stage where i no that if he is going to stay clean and if it will ever work emotional blackmail isnt a part of love. Its good to just talk to somebody about this part of our life i think bcoz for me nyway i never talk about it and most people hu no me dont have a clue life feels really lonely at times despite having friends and my kids and work…x

[lucy]

I no the relationship of a spouse is different to that of a mom and the pain of seeing your son in addiction must b your worst nytmare having been through it as a partner i hope your son can find peace one day..i wish there was a group like this to actually go to and get support from bcoz having dealt with it alone for years it does feel good knowing there r people even on here that can relate to addiction xx

[Author]

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