[luxurioussnake]

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I don’t think he will “go quietly” and leave the house without a fight. My ex refused to leave the house for months after I finally snapped and left him, until I gave an ultimatum. Your ex can stay with a friend until he finds somewhere more permanent, but living with you, drinking around you and sending you mean texts is not acceptable and can’t continue.

He has put you through hell. The very least he can do is leave and give you breathing space, but he sounds too selfish for this.

If he’s anything like my addict ex, you may get suicide threats, especially when he’s under the influence. My ex also self harmed and walked around the house topless so I would see the cuts. I used to have to check he hadn’t killed himself. It was absolute hell and I ended up in hospital with mental health problems. I don’t want you to go through anything like that.

Please enlist some family/friends and all get together to tell this man he needs to move out by the end of the week. You deserve to have your home back. Tell his friends/family you’re worried about him and let them look after him.

I know it sounds cold. It isn’t meant to. I just think you’ve put up with more than enough and it’s time to put you first.

[luxurioussnake]

It sounds like your relationship might be emotionally abusive. Do you see a future with this man? If you pictured your ideal relationship, what would it look like?

You are allowed to leave a relationship for any reason and you have more than enough reason to bail out of this. I know it can feel like abandoning someone when they have an addiction, but you have to put yourself first. You don’t owe him your time or your mental health.

[luxurioussnake]

Hey. I’m the girlfriend in this situation.

It sounds like you’ve got a lot of insight into the problem and are engaging in self-reflection.

Alcohol is a common trigger for cravings, and cravings lead to seeking out drugs, then consuming them. Avoiding triggers and knowing how to manage them is a key element of recovery.

The shame you feel about your drug use affecting your partner can either become the key that unlocks a wonderful, drug-free future for both of you – or the excuse for using and the thing that destroys both of you. What I mean by this is that some addicts react to shame by thinking “well f*** it, I’m worthless anyway” or “well f*** it, the relationship is over anyway” etc. and then go on to use. Drugs can hijack your brain like that. The key is to accept that you feel ashamed, be honest with your partner and work with her to ensure you move on from this dark patch in your life.. to something much more meaningful.

I don’t know how old you are, but assume 20s/30s. Do you want to be getting on it at 40, hanging out with your worst coke using “mates” in a dingy flat somewhere, listening to the birds singing and watching the sun glare at you through the curtains while you wipe your finger over the coffee table and rub the last dregs into your gums? Or do you want to be sound asleep in bed with your a wife who loves you, knowing that your kids are safe, happy and well cared for in their beds next door to you.

I’ve done coke in the past and I moved on with my life. My boyfriend and his mates didn’t. Go to Narcotics Anonymous and listen the experienced addicts describe their lives now vs. then.

You have the power to give up alcohol, if that’s what you need to do to give up coke. You can turn this around. But if you don’t do it now, eventually you won’t be able to, and if she doesn’t leave you, she will resent you for breaking her heart every time you turn your phone off and stumble in at 8am, every time you spend the bills money on coke, every time you beg for another chance.

[luxurioussnake]

I’m sorry that you’re going through this, I didn’t want to read and run. The bit about “just him and his alcohol, no space for us” is so sad.

Have you spoken to your own GP about what’s going on? You might benefit from some counselling as well as Al-Anon.. a space just for you to talk about yourself, away from his alcohol.

[luxurioussnake]

“Like, do people do just small amounts and get away with it all the time with their partners none the wiser? Just thinking they’re in a good mood or whatever?”

If they have a tolerance then yeah, maybe. I have used coke in the past recreationally but never had an issue; if I racked up a line and did it now, it would be painfully obvious that I was high. I would have dilated pupils, a clenched jaw, sweaty hands/feet, nervous energy, too much to say about nothing at all and at 100mph speed. But if my boyfriend racked up a line and did it, it would be like a smoker puffing on a cigarette – it just resets them and makes them feel ‘normal’ again.

[luxurioussnake]

Forgot to mention – he’s asked to borrow money late at night on several occasions and it’s always like £38.95 etc. I said he’s obviously trying to raise £40 for a bag of coke and making it look “less suspicious” by not making it a round number. Obviously he denies this and would sent me e.g. a text from O2 saying he needs to top up his phone, or an item in an Amazon shopping basket.

The other night he sent me a text “evidence” and I noticed that the supposed O2 text said “5th may” instead of “5th May”. I’ve never received a text from my phone operator with a grammatical error and immediately became suspicious. I played around with my phone and discovered that you can rename your own phone number as “O2” and effectively text yourself. I am 100% sure that’s what he has done.

I try to confront him about these things but he gets cross, turns his phone off, then reappears later claiming to have “fallen asleep”. The lying is driving me nuts as I don’t know what is real and what isn’t. The lying is absolutely the worst thing about it.

He even told me once that his ex gf smashed up his PS4 and he wanted to borrow money to buy a new one. I refused. A month later his “nephew gave him” a PS4. I’m pretty sure he had the PS4 all along and it was just an attempt to borrow money from me for cocaine.

I sound mad and paranoid because I have no evidence for these things. All I can say is that his lies aren’t even very good and I can just tell..

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