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Thanks so much for replying Bels,
It really helps knowing that I’m not the only one going through this. You’re right going back isn’t an option. ????
Hi everyone
I’ve been reluctant to post because I’m in such a bad space but I’m really struggling. When I relapse I always look back and wonder why I sabotage myself but right now I completely understand – this is so so tough. I’m trying to do the right things, light exercise, music etc but nothing’s helping.
I’m 3 weeks in but am still so so low and have virtually no motivation or energy, I’m in my 50s and abused codeine for years so know this is going to be a long old road to recovery but I’d hoped to be feeling a bit brighter by now. Trying to remain philosophical and accept things as they are but God this is awful – I despise the person I have become right now. The reality is that I have so much to look forward to if I keep clean but I don’t seem to care.
I’ve an early start tomorrow and a comparatively full on day tomorrow – the level of dread and panic I have around this (and potentially not sleeping tonight) is completely disproportionate.
I guess I’ll try and limp through and chalk up day 22 today… Sorry for the negativity and moaning… Here’s hoping that my next post will tell a different story.
Love to all
????
Hi Husky Lee
So sorry that you’re having such an awful time – praying that you’re not in too much pain.
The depression is crushing and can be completely overwhelming but remember that it will eventually pass.
Try to hang on to all the reasons why you decided to stop and take the day 10 minutes at a time if need be. When I’m feeling really low I squander my time watching crap telly.. reading.. scrolling.. anything… It’s terrible being so non-productive but I try not to guilt trip about it.
Please be kind to yourself and take care ????
Hello all
I thought I’d post a quick update.
I’m on day 16 and things are slowly getting better. I’m now having to ‘do life’ more and more and in a way it’s doing me good – pretending to others that I’m okay (when I often feel anything but!).
I keep a journal and I’ve found a good coping strategy is to read back on how I was this time last week. The improvement is immense although it doesn’t always feel like it. I’m also coming to terms with the fact that I will always have to abstain… something I’ve never really accepted before.
Still struggling with low mood and poor motivation – can’t seem to see the good in anything and am oh so irritable. It also looks and feels like I’ve aged 20 years in 2 weeks!
Husky Lee, Bels and Tilly – hope you’re all doing okay.
Love to everyone ????
Well done Bells. I try to remind myself everyday of all the worst aspects of using. The embarrassing encounters in chemists (and the fear and dread before going) is definitely towards the top of the list!
Tils and Husky Lee – hope things are improving for you. You’re in my thoughts ????
It’s day 11 for me and it’s been a rollercoaster. I get so impatient and want to instantly feel normal and well… I know that in reality it’s going to take a while…
However I feel physically stronger today so am determined to make the most of it ????
Wishing everyone well ????
Whoops! I meant feeling physically poorly for a week or so… Still not thinking straight ????????
Hi Tilly
Well done for deciding to give it a go. It’s scary starting out but I try to accept that I’m going to feel physically for a week or so (easier said than done I know). My experience is that every day is very different and the physical withdrawal symptoms fluctuate quite dramatically. Distractions like sewing are a great idea.. I’ve read 2 easy read books since stopping on Monday.
Try to stay positive and good luck ????
Hi Husky Lee
Well done for taking the leap. I don’t know much about morphine but we’re on similar timelines.
Stay positive and strong – we can do this! ????
Hello all
Well here I am again. Stopped in November but relapsed again after 31 days. So angry that I caved, that was my longest period of abstinence in years.
Realised last week that I was only getting an hour or so respite after taking codeine and it was mainly to prevent withdrawals (I tried tapering but just didn’t have the will power to stick to it). Was incredibly depressed in between doses so decided enough was enough.
It’s now 72 hours since my last dose and although it’s been grim I think the physical withdrawals are subsiding… I just feel completely exhausted right now and can’t think straight. That said I’m very aware that they could come back with a vengeance at any time – In previous attempts I’ve often relapsed on Day 5 so I need to vigilant.
Trying to remain positive and take it a day at a time. Hoping to feel well enough to stand in the garden and get some fresh air tomorrow or even later today… My current anxiety levels make it incredibly difficult to leave the house.
I got up reasonably early today and managed to get a few bits done but as much as I hate to admit it I’m going back to bed now! Shattered but unlikely to sleep – thankfully I’m able to lose myself by reading.
Hope everyone is doing okay ????
Hello
I’m checking in because I feel the need to be accountable – apart from my long suffering partner no one knew about my addiction … I’ve f***ed up (yet again). I made it to 31 days – the longest I’ve abstained in years and then I caved 2 days before Christmas. I’m so angry that I got so near yet so far… This time, my use escalated alarmingly quickly and 5N +(using the “just to take the edge off” excuse) a day, became up to 20 by the New Year. I tried again on Tuesday but have just given in and taken 5 (I’m too ashamed to tell my partner this time). I just couldn’t function at all, mainly because of the insomnia and restlessness. I tried zopiclone and diazepam but after a few days they weren’t touching the sides and I really don’t want to end up with a benzo habit to add this mess… As soon as life gets stressful, I screw up. I’m not sure where I go from here or if I’ll ever beat this thing…
Apologies for my private pity party and I hope everyone else is having a happier new year!
xxxx
Thanks so much for your kind and supportive words Wynter and Marky.
At this moment in time I’m feeling more optimistic about my ability to abstain on Christmas Day. Life threw an enormous bucket load of stress at me on Friday leading to a completely sleepless night. I was so wired and shaken up yesterday I had every intention of using but I think sheer anger drove me to push through. I slept well last night and have spent today negotiating tricky legal documents without too much brain fog. Had this happened a few weeks ago I’d have easily got through 3 packets of Nurofen Plus over the weekend… So against all odds I’m on Day 26!
No I can’t drink either. I’m exactly the same access – the only part of Christmas I was excited about was taking codeine! I’m hoping that my current resolve will last…
Thanks again everyone for all the support and encouraging words here.
xxx
xxxx
Hello All
I’ve tried to post a number of times but it’s just not happening. See if this works…
Long story short I’ve struggled with codeine for around 20 years and have detoxed and relapsed so much it’s embarrassing. I successfully quit for 3 years but that was over a decade ago now.
I’m currently on day 23 and this thread has really helped keep me going so a big thank you everyone. I can identify with you Lizzie; I’m over the acute withdrawals but don’t feel that I’m consistently getting better – I have occasional good days but generally still feel so lethargic and low.
I’d intended to wait until after Christmas to detox but stopped on 22nd Nov – a random window of opportunity presented whereby I’ve had the time to ‘be ill’. Also. the ever increasing hassle, deceit and expense involved seemed even more daunting than quitting.
I really struggle with Christmas Day specifically so my plan has been to accept that I’ll take a reduced amount to get me through the day and then jump straight back on the wagon on Boxing Day… However, I’m getting the impression that this is a seriously bad idea – how so???! I don’t think I can face starting the process again and I can’t keep putting my central nervous system through this ordeal… Does a one off lapse really impact the brain and recovery that much?
I’m sorry that this is such a disjointed and negative post but any advice would be appreciated.
xxx