[marypoppins23]

Your situation sounds exactly like mine. I still carry enormous guilt (3 years after my husband passed).

I know hand on heart I tried everything as I am sure you have. But there comes a point where you need to look after you

Please do let me know how you get on with gp. Sending love and very best wishes to you.

PS – feel free to rant any time

I wish I had known about this forum when I was going through it.

[marypoppins23]

Hi cisco

So sorry to hear what you are going through and I can totally relate to all of it.

As a first step, can you not make an appointment with your own gp to see if they can offer some guidance as to where you can get support?

I did go to several of my husbands gp appointments with him (he obviously has to agree to this), to try and get the gp to see the 100% truth. My husband never gave hospital or gp full facts – well why would he, he was in denial.

I never told any of my family and friends what was going on aside from our grown up son. I was, and still am, too embarrassed by what was happening.

Sounds harsh but you need to look after you and your son. You can try all you want but your husband has to want to make changes. In my case when he did agree to get proper help it was too little too late.

I know only too well the effects this will have on your health and mental well being. I was in a bad way for a very long time. I used to dread leaving the house as I knew what I had to come back to.

I wish I could be more help to you but I just wanted you to know that you are not going mad, and it is not your fault.

Please feel free to reach out if you need to.

[marypoppins23]

This is exactly how I feel. I had counselling and was told to try and remember the good times. But for me the bad times outweigh the good memories, and I even start to question the good times. Mad eh?

Reading these posts really help to rebalance me.

Wishing health and happiness to all on here. Thank you for being there.

[marypoppins23]

Hi Barbara

So I am 3 years in from losing my husband to this dreadful disease and if I’m honest I still struggle with my thoughts on a daily basis. What I do find helpful is reading the posts on here. I am not mad (although at times back then I was close to it). I am not a bad, uncaring person. I truly believe I tried everything I could to help this lovely man.

Reading your words though, I am still angry at my husbands GP. He did not help in any way. If he could have explained the condition in the way you have I an sure I would have done things differently. He could at least advised me of people to speak to.

I am trying, mostly successfully, to train my brain that it wasn’t my fault and there wasn’t any more I could have done.

I am getting on with my life as best I can. But having this forum to come back to for reassurance really does help.

Apologies if this comes across as a pity party for one. It’s not meant to. But as most of you will appreciate, it’s not a topic I can freely talk about with friends and relatives.

[marypoppins23]

Dear Kate

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you have people around you for support. You will need them, you will also find out who your true friends are.

Secondly, never feel like you let him down. There is no reasoning with someone who is in the grip of alcohol.

I lost my husband of 30+ years almost 3 years ago and there isn’t a day goes by when I don’t think that I could have done more, or been kinder. Truth is I did everything I could. I tried to get him to AA and he did go a few times, but he didn’t think it applied to him as he wasn’t an alcoholic.

I sought out counselling for him, got him on a rehab programme, and supported him when he list his job.

Quite honestly I nearly lost my mind in the final 18 months. I miss him every day but I don’t miss the drama and the living hell.

Sorry, didn’t mean to make this about me, just wanted you to know that you were not to blame.

It’s early days for you but I hope you find peace. Here if you need to chat, and if you need it get some counselling yourself. It does help.

[marypoppins23]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and can relate so much to what you have described.

My only advice to you is to look after you. Trust me, if he has refused all offers of help there is nothing you can do. He has to want to do it for you to stand a fighting chance.

My husband did go through the motions of getting outside help but he never truly believed he had a problem. He was due to go into rehab but decided to have one ladt hurrah which effectively was the beginning of the end.

Having been through this journey I know how hard it is, and how bad it makes you feel.

I wish you every luck and I do hope you get him the help he needs.

[marypoppins23]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and can relate so much to what you have described.

My only advice to you is to look after you. Trust me, if he has refused all offers of help there is nothing you can do. He has to want to do it for you to stand a fighting chance.

My husband did go through the motions of getting outside help but he never truly believed he had a problem. He was due to go into rehab but decided to have one ladt hurrah which effectively was the beginning of the end.

Having been through this journey I know how hard it is, and how bad it makes you feel.

I wish you every luck and I do hope you get him the help he needs.

[marypoppins23]

Hi jtekg4

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so heartbreaking that this happens so often. Please give yourself and your daughters the time and space you need to come to terms with it. It is not easy. I am 20 months in and am still questioning myself if I could have done more, if it was my fault etc. In my heart of hearts I truly believe I did everything I could but you can’t help but question yourself.

If you need to rant, vent or just share, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I feel that this is my problem, because of the lockdown I have not been able to get the counselling I think I still need. I can’t discuss this with friends and family (aside from our son), as most people aren’t even aware that this problem existed.

Take care of each other and yell if you need a chat, I can’t promise I have the answers but I can share my coping mechanisms.

Love and best wishes to you all xx

[marypoppins23]

Hi jtekg4

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so heartbreaking that this happens so often. Please give yourself and your daughters the time and space you need to come to terms with it. It is not easy. I am 20 months in and am still questioning myself if I could have done more, if it was my fault etc. In my heart of hearts I truly believe I did everything I could but you can’t help but question yourself.

If you need to rant, vent or just share, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I feel that this is my problem, because of the lockdown I have not been able to get the counselling I think I still need. I can’t discuss this with friends and family (aside from our son), as most people aren’t even aware that this problem existed.

Take care of each other and yell if you need a chat, I can’t promise I have the answers but I can share my coping mechanisms.

Love and best wishes to you all xx

[marypoppins23]

Hi Rubyjune

Thank you so much for your response. Your story resonates so much to mine, especially that you worry his drinking will escalate with you not there but that you can no longer cope with it. This is exactly the position I was in. To be fair, I think my husband was way beyond help a long time ago. My consolation is that although I couldn’t live with him I never gave up on trying to help him.

I have amazing support at home from family and friends and am just trying to focus on the positives of our life and also the future. There is no way I will let this dreadful addiction ruin my life as well as his.

Wishing you all the best in this struggle.

[marypoppins23]

Thank you for your response, it does help sharing with people who have lived through/are living through a similar situation.

I know I am not responsible for my husbands drinking and do believe I did everything in my power to help him. What saddens me the most is that aside from the drinking he was truly a lovely man. This is what I am trying to remember in order to get through the next few months. I have been having counselling but not sure it is helping me since all the focus is on the negative and I really don’t need reminding of what I have lived through, mainly alone.

I will contact the Icarus trust, any support I can get at this time is valuable.

Good luck to you in your journey, feel free to reach out if you need to xx

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