[mlft]

<p class=”p1″ style=”margin: 0px 0px 3px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 35px; line-height: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”><span class=”s1″ style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-weight: bold;”>I don’t know if this will be seen, but I so badly hope so! This is my first time reaching out to anybody, especially people that can relate. I don’t even know where to start so I’ll sum it up as best as I can. I’m 27 and my partner is 29. We have 4 kids, the youngest being just 6 months old. My partner has always been one for drink and drugs and has always left me and the kids to go on benders. It started with not coming home from work, then strolling in the morning like nothing had happened. Then after a couple years of that it was him drinking in the house, he’d say he was popping out and wouldn’t come back or he’ll wait until I fall asleep and let us wake up in the morning to find he’s left us again but now it’s got worse. My son is 6 months old, at 8 weeks he disappeared during the night and didn’t come home for 3 days, at 5 months old he done the same but this time for 5 days and now just 3 weeks after sitting my children down and apologising to them for the first time in their lives and promising he will never leave them again, he has done just that. This is night 5 of him being gone, absolutely no contact from him at all. My kids are broken and so am I, I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him to much to be without him and I so badly want to keep our family together but it feels like we are never going to be enough for him. Why does he keep choosing that life over us? How can he be here everyday living normal family life with us then just change in an instant and treat us like we don’t even exist? I don’t get it. I’m so angry and hurt, I feel like he’s got our hearts in his hand and can crush them at any time he feels like it. I underhand he has problems but it starts with a choice (that’s how I see it). He doesn’t drink every day and can stay away from it but the minute he touches a drop he can’t stop and it will happen more and more everyday until he explodes and goes on a drink and drug fuelled bender. There has been times where he’s stayed away from alcohol for awhile but little did I know that he wasn’t sober at all, the only reason he managed to stop was because he was sniffing cocaine every day to replace it and believe me he was very good at hiding it. I had plenty of suspicion but he just made me feel like I was being crazy and paranoid, even when I would find the empty bags and white powder on the floor in the toilet after he’d been in there or on the worktop after I’d just heard him sniffing!! I keep standing by him hoping that one day he’ll get completely sober and we can be that happy family but I think deep down I do know that it is never going to change. If I want him I have accept that this is going to be mine and my kids life forever! I’m angry at myself for allowing him to hurt them over and over again but I there’s that part of me that just think keep fighting for them.</span></p>

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