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Finally after all this time I have found my post!! Thank you for your responses. Update, I never left even though at times I really have wanted to I just could never. Starting from last October he disappeared a night every month for 5 months and then very shortly after that he left for 2 weeks, came back and a month later left again for another 2 weeks. At this point I was adamant I was done until he told me he is now smoking crack. In that moment he changed to a victim in my mind (of his own choices), it changed from anger to fear and worry. I couldn’t stop thinking if I didn’t let him back he’d end up dead. Anyway he came back and went to the doctors, one meeting and that was it. He came back a week before both my boys birthday on the 13th April and has now left again, 3 days so far. I understand why he’s gone, I’ve gone cold and distant and constantly accuse him of using and question everything he says/does, I don’t believe a word. He lies about his using but I’ve found all his stash, I would check it every day and see he’s added to it so I could tell how much he was using. He’s lied, stole from me, doesn’t work anymore (odd jobs to fund his addiction), leaves me to carry the weight of everything. I’m so up and down with it all, a massive part of me just wants to close the chapter and finally be free to find myself again and become a happier person/mum but there’s that little part that’s just not ready to let go yet. It would easier if he decided to never come back so I can stop being weak. I am scared that away from us permanently means he will go further down that black hole and me and the kids are going to end up burying him. After talking to him the other day, he’s fully aware he has a problem (likes to minimise it and call it a habit) but has no intention of getting help. I know I’ve lost him, those good things I could once say about him, the ones that made me think there was hope are all gone. I wish he wanted better for himself😢
<p class=”p1″ style=”margin: 0px 0px 3px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 35px; line-height: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”><span class=”s1″ style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-weight: bold;”>I don’t know if this will be seen, but I so badly hope so! This is my first time reaching out to anybody, especially people that can relate. I don’t even know where to start so I’ll sum it up as best as I can. I’m 27 and my partner is 29. We have 4 kids, the youngest being just 6 months old. My partner has always been one for drink and drugs and has always left me and the kids to go on benders. It started with not coming home from work, then strolling in the morning like nothing had happened. Then after a couple years of that it was him drinking in the house, he’d say he was popping out and wouldn’t come back or he’ll wait until I fall asleep and let us wake up in the morning to find he’s left us again but now it’s got worse. My son is 6 months old, at 8 weeks he disappeared during the night and didn’t come home for 3 days, at 5 months old he done the same but this time for 5 days and now just 3 weeks after sitting my children down and apologising to them for the first time in their lives and promising he will never leave them again, he has done just that. This is night 5 of him being gone, absolutely no contact from him at all. My kids are broken and so am I, I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him to much to be without him and I so badly want to keep our family together but it feels like we are never going to be enough for him. Why does he keep choosing that life over us? How can he be here everyday living normal family life with us then just change in an instant and treat us like we don’t even exist? I don’t get it. I’m so angry and hurt, I feel like he’s got our hearts in his hand and can crush them at any time he feels like it. I underhand he has problems but it starts with a choice (that’s how I see it). He doesn’t drink every day and can stay away from it but the minute he touches a drop he can’t stop and it will happen more and more everyday until he explodes and goes on a drink and drug fuelled bender. There has been times where he’s stayed away from alcohol for awhile but little did I know that he wasn’t sober at all, the only reason he managed to stop was because he was sniffing cocaine every day to replace it and believe me he was very good at hiding it. I had plenty of suspicion but he just made me feel like I was being crazy and paranoid, even when I would find the empty bags and white powder on the floor in the toilet after he’d been in there or on the worktop after I’d just heard him sniffing!! I keep standing by him hoping that one day he’ll get completely sober and we can be that happy family but I think deep down I do know that it is never going to change. If I want him I have accept that this is going to be mine and my kids life forever! I’m angry at myself for allowing him to hurt them over and over again but I there’s that part of me that just think keep fighting for them.</span></p>