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In reply to…..Should I Stay With Him…..
In the beginning, you were ‘high school sweethearts’ and this was your first relationship. For both of you….A new adventure. You stayed together, made a home and had a child.
However. As with many young couples, family and home life created pressures and put a strain on the relationship. Not surprisingly, constant arguing and the other insurmountable pressures of domestic life (and a young child to care for) only created that desire to end the relationship.
Your partner worked hard and tried his hardest to help but for you, being alone at home all day with Baby crying became an emotional and physical strain.
Even a sympathetic partner doesn’t quite understand how the other feels being at home all day. Sadly, this lack of understanding only meant that at the end of a busy day, the arguments borne out of frustration became a daily routine. He didn’t understand …..Couldn’t quite grasp how you really felt. As tensions grew at the end of each day, it got harder for you to be around him and always so close.
You broke up in 2021, after your mind was made. Yet your boyfriend had a hard time handling the break-up and it showed…..He so wanted the relationship to continue.
For you, it was a new beginning. Yet for him, it was the point that lead him to taking drugs and self-neglect. Your boyfriend saw no future before him as you were his world.
He hung out with his cousin, had people round, yet he felt lost.
The drugs, self neglect, wreckless behaviour and the trashed house were like a form of emotional blackmail, as if intentionally you were to witness it all before you….Like a type of ‘guilt trip’.
Maybe it was the influence of his cousin (who ran away to avoid arrest), combined with your partner’s deeper life issues that lead to him taking the drugs.
His addiction quickly progressed. Your partner still lived at the house after you moved out and that was when this ‘nosey neighbour’ called the police, leading to a raid and drugs being discovered.
It’s worth mentioning the state of the house, as if your boyfriend serously wanted you to discover what was going on in order to create deep feelings of guilt within you….You were meant to see the wrecked house as if on purpose.
You helped gather his belongings to take back to his mother’s place and yet – even when he’s totally struggling with all his chaos – your partner somehow finds a way for you to be in the right place, at the right time to give him help.
You wanted to go back as a couple and the struggle to get back sober (of drugs) was always to be a challenge and unfortunately, he didn’t spend time with his child.
He was high on drugs when he drove to your workplace that day, yet it seemed convenient for him because he got the timing just right. Whilst you were at work, he chose to come and see you whilst high on drugs and managed to drive there just in time for you to see him that way (causing you to worry and pity him).
Your partner used a kind of emotional blackmail.
Your boyfriend was able to connect to that very small spark that resides deep inside you because you felt regret at not having him in your life.
He knew you’d help him drive home.
Maybe it was the drugs….He decides to ‘race you’ at full speed past a parked police car.
Understandably, you were very upset and crying and couldn’t help thinking how stupid he was.
Was he being stupid?….Or very clever.
Madness can disguise brilliant cleverness and the ability to manipulate others – in particular when they want something so bad they’ll do anything for their desire.
The race, speeding past the police car and being chased were done just at the right time for you to witness everything….Causing him minimal injury yet for you, maximum psychological distress.
At Christmas you get back together and promise each other you’ll not take any drugs or alcohol.
People think leaving a drug re-habilitation clinic after a course of treatment means immediate cure.
Should they go back for more treatment, they are considered not having the will-power to overcome their addiction
Unfortunately. It’s more complicated as limited time and resources mean only a limited understanding of the service user’s deeper problems.
His irregular sleep patterns could have been the result of his addiction. The accusations and texting other girls were staged events to stimulate your emotions….That weren’t the drugs, it was a skillful undertaking on his part.
Time moves on and you are expecting your second child in Febuary 2022.
Again. Restricted help to overcome your partner’s addiction meant he was still taking drugs and trying to fight it.
He was excited about the new arrival….Yet still more problems….
The lies, deception…..
He always knew you were serious about leaving him and living your own life….
Convieniently, there’s that familiar call from your partner in a distressed state telling you he crashed his car.
No serious injuries but there’s the turmoil burdened upon your shoulders.
Whilst you keep watch over him in your very distressed state, he manages to use social media to talk to other girls.
Another act to sabotage your future plans (again).
Blocking you on social media will have caused you some emotional distress – hence another clever way to weaken your emotional defenses. By telling everyone he’s single and you finding his phone (intentionally staged), you will have become emotionally weaker and vulnerable to manipulation.
He wanted you to discover the content/communications on his phone.
You tried to ‘ghost’ him in retaliation – only this act will have meant you forfeiting your online/digital social life and communication opportunities with friends, family and work colleagues. He was testing your reaction and at the same time gaining control because he will have become more a more central part of your attention.
No social media….No focus on other’s lives, but his.
With only a month to go before the birth of your second child, your partner contacts you from the re-hab centre. He was still struggling with addiction…..As always….Back to drugs but not addressing the issues.
Despite all his turmoil, he cleverly contacts you at the exact point of vulnerability.
He required deeper treatment, or to put it another way – longer time in re-hab without the drugs.
Afterwards. He kept busy looking after the children, working and helping in the house. These would have been positive ‘distractions’….
Yet the distractions eventually become a constant reminder….The destractions are to try and forget about the drugs and not deal with the problem.
Trying to forget only strengthens the memories and trying not to think about something only encourages you to think even more….This was demonstrated the day you caught him in bathroom….
It’s again about not dealing with the underlying causes of his addiction in the first place.
You’ve since separated and been raising the children with help from family.
Life’s been easier, less depression, less stressful, more productive and less emotional since your partner has not been so involved in your life.
Your partner calls home to announce his return.
Will your partner return to the drugs? Take a step back to examine the past. How have things changed?
Do you feel history will repeat itself?
He’s been sober for a year now and focused on returning to you – and that focus has kept the drug cravings at bay.
Everything you went through were as a result of his addiction.
Your partner views the drugs from his own perspective, yet doesn’t appreciate full impact upon you.
Without him you have thrived and so have the children, therefore take a look at how your life is now, compared to being with your partner.
Your partner’s issues have been there before you met him and have never been addressed.
He’s been receiving treatment to overcome the physical dependency on the drugs but not the underlying, lifelong causes.
As you’ve written, he has a choice…..Two paths……
Perhaps a compromise could be arranged, such as allowing him to visit you and the children for a couple of days a week.
This will give you some personal space and your partner the opportunity to keep working on being sober.
The visits will be an incentive to stay sober….Though not the same as tackling the true, underlying reasons for your partner’s addiction and his behaviour.
Your partner needs counselling to go deeper into his issues of insecurity, addiction, the erratic behaviour and so on….
This will be the only way forward if you want to become a couple.
It’s a situation your boyfriend must accept and it’s now his responsibility to choose a drug-free life, if he wants be a part of your family. He has a choice to make and there’s at least some opportunity to be a part of your family.
It’s down to him because he’s the only one that can change.
Paul……
In response to Cocain Hell…….
Your partner is making life a complete misery. He desperately needs treatment in order to overcome his addictions.
There appears to be a connection to the alcohol and drug addiction which your partner so desperately craves – and that is fear of taking responsibility.
He makes a promise – such as an arrangement – but when the time comes, he suddenly goes off and gets drunk/high on drugs. Because every time he makes a commitment, a mental wall confronts him and alcohol/drugs are his way of dealing with it.
After a couple of days. Your partner takes it for granted that all will be forgiven and forgotten and life can resume as normal – until next time.
There seems to be many broken promises in this relationship. The hotel booking just one of many.
His anger stems from a reminder that you are an independent person and this creates fear that you could leave him….Another reason why he gets angry is the thought of you actually having friends outside of this relationship.
When he goes missing, it’s a form of emotional blackmail to keep you constantly worried. His calling you only causes more distress – leaving you to think only of your partner and nothing else, whilst you wait for him to arrive home.
Financially, you’ll incur debts such as the parking tickets due to him not being able to resist temptation to buy alcohol or drugs whenever he has money.
Your partner’s paranoia and his belief that you only care about your friends may be part of his own life journey as well his selfish personality. The alcohol and drugs don’t help either…..
A deeper understanding of his own lifelong issues could help towards seeking treatment for his addictions – if he really wants to.
Another problem is the erratic, irresponsible behaviour he seems to display when drunk or high. The last thing you need…..Him coming home with a load of fireworks…..
Some people can be impulsive, yet never think of the consequences.
Impulsive behaviour may occur when faced with situations they can’t handle. Perhaps your partner feels this way…..
Your partner needs professional help. Whether or not you want to save this relationship is a matter of your personal choice.
Either way. He needs to seek help and is the only one who can do it.
However. Let’s be fair and admit that whatever the outcome, your life will be affected by his decision – especially if he chooses not to seek help.
It’s not just about going in for treatment and assuming he’ll be cured after a week or two. Your partner needs to address the underlying issues that cause his addictions.
To do this, some counselling to focus on his reluctance to take responsibility and commit to agreements such as events, dates or appointments. It’s trying to deal with these underlying issues to help overcome the addictions.
If he can’t commit to changing his ways, then look after yourself and accept this relationship is over.
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>In response to Cocain Hell…….</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>Your partner is making life a complete misery. H<span style=”box-sizing: border-box;”>e desperately needs treatment in order to overcome his addictions.</span></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>There appears to be a connection to the alcohol and drug addiction which your partner so desperately craves – and that is fear of taking responsibility.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>He makes a promise – such as an arrangement – but<span style=”box-sizing: border-box;”> when the time comes, he suddenly goes off and gets drunk/high on drugs. Because </span><span style=”box-sizing: border-box;”>every time he makes a commitment, a mental wall confronts him and alcohol/drugs are his way of dealing with it.</span></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>After a couple of days. Your partner takes it for granted that all will be forgiven and forgotten and life can resume as normal – until next time.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>There seems to be many broken promises in this relationship. The hotel booking just one of many.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”><span style=”box-sizing: border-box;”>His anger stems from a reminder that you are an independent person and this creates fear that you could leave him….Another reason why he gets angry is the thought of you actually having friends outside of this relationship.</span></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>When he goes missing, it’s a form of emotional blackmail to keep you constantly worried. His calling you only causes more distress – leaving you to think only of your partner and nothing else, whilst you wait for him to arrive home.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”><span style=”box-sizing: border-box;”>Financially, you’ll incur debts such as the parking tickets due to him not being able to resist temptation to buy alcohol or drugs whenever he has money.</span></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”><span style=”box-sizing: border-box;”>Your partner’s paranoia and his belief that you only care about your friends may be part of his own life journey as well his selfish personality. The alcohol and drugs don’t help either…..</span></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>A deeper understanding of his own lifelong issues could help towards seeking treatment for his addictions – if he really wants to.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>Another problem is the erratic, irresponsible behaviour he seems to display when drunk or high. The last thing you need…..Him coming home with a load of fireworks…..</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>Some people can be impulsive, yet never think of the consequences.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>Impulsive behaviour may occur when faced with situations they can’t handle. Perhaps your partner feels this way…..</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>Your partner needs professional help. Whether or not you want to save this relationship is a matter of your personal choice.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>Either way. He needs to seek help and is the only one who can do it.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>However. Let’s be fair and admit that whatever the outcome, your life will be affected by his decision – especially if he chooses not to seek help.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”><span style=”box-sizing: border-box;”>It’s not just about going in for treatment and assuming he’ll be cured after a week or two. Your partner needs to address the underlying issues that cause his addictions.</span></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>To do this, some counselling to focus on his reluctance to take responsibility and commit to agreements such as events, dates or appointments. It’s trying to deal with these underlying issues to help overcome the addictions.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”><span style=”box-sizing: border-box;”>If he can’t commit to changing his ways, then look after yourself and accept this relationship is over.</span></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”></p><p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>In response to Cocain Hell…….</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>Your partner is making life a complete misery. H<span style=”box-sizing: border-box;”>e desperately needs treatment in order to overcome his addictions.</span></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>There appears to be a connection to the alcohol and drug addiction which your partner so desperately craves – and that is fear of taking responsibility.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>He makes a promise – such as an arrangement – but<span style=”box-sizing: border-box;”> when the time comes, he suddenly goes off and gets drunk/high on drugs. Because </span><span style=”box-sizing: border-box;”>every time he makes a commitment, a mental wall confronts him and alcohol/drugs are his way of dealing with it.</span></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>After a couple of days. Your partner takes it for granted that all will be forgiven and forgotten and life can resume as normal – until next time.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>There seems to be many broken promises in this relationship. The hotel booking just one of many.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”><span style=”box-sizing: border-box;”>His anger stems from a reminder that you are an independent person and this creates fear that you could leave him….Another reason why he gets angry is the thought of you actually having friends outside of this relationship.</span></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>When he goes missing, it’s a form of emotional blackmail to keep you constantly worried. His calling you only causes more distress – leaving you to think only of your partner and nothing else, whilst you wait for him to arrive home.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”><span style=”box-sizing: border-box;”>Financially, you’ll incur debts such as the parking tickets due to him not being able to resist temptation to buy alcohol or drugs whenever he has money.</span></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”><span style=”box-sizing: border-box;”>Your partner’s paranoia and his belief that you only care about your friends may be part of his own life journey as well his selfish personality. The alcohol and drugs don’t help either…..</span></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>A deeper understanding of his own lifelong issues could help towards seeking treatment for his addictions – if he really wants to.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>Another problem is the erratic, irresponsible behaviour he seems to display when drunk or high. The last thing you need…..Him coming home with a load of fireworks…..</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>Some people can be impulsive…..Perhaps it’s just the way they are.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>Impulsive behaviour can sometimes occur when faced with situations we can’t handle – resulting from panic. Perhaps your partner feels this way…..</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>Your partner needs professional help. Whether or not you want to save this relationship is a matter of your personal choice.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>Either way. He needs to seek help and is the only one who can do it.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>However. Let’s be fair and admit that whatever the outcome, your life will be affected by his decision – especially if he chooses not to seek help.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”><span style=”box-sizing: border-box;”>It’s not just about going in for treatment and assuming he’ll be cured after a week or two. Your partner needs to address the underlying issues that cause his addictions.</span></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>To do this, some counselling to focus on his reluctance to take responsibility and commit to agreements such as events, dates or appointments. It’s trying to deal with these underlying issues to help overcome the addictions.</p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”><span style=”box-sizing: border-box;”>If he can’t commit to changing his ways, then look after yourself and accept this relationship is over.</span></p>
<p style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”></p>Reply to: Struggling To Forgive……
It’s not your husband’s cocaine or alcohol mis-use, it is the fact he kept it a secret and told lies. This is just another reminder for you to question the future of your marriage/partnership.
Staying sober and drug free are two important commitments you ask of your husband, yet he sadly fails to achieve these goals – leaving you feeling disappointed in him.
You worry about him because you care and want this marriage to work but unfortunately, this is a two-way agreement that needs to be fulfilled by him as well.
Although your husband admitted to his addictions and decided to seek help, it remains questionable that he will commit to this.
Your husband hasn’t really grown up. This may come as just a simple comment which can be said about a lot of people. However. This could be the heart of the problem for you both.
It seems your husband’s addictions are not about the cocaine or alcohol as substances to sate his cravings but are a part of his desperate need to feel that someone is looking after him.
It seems that your husband has this secret desire to be ‘found out’ by you, as if he still wants to be that naughty or rebellious teenager.
Your husband needs a ‘mother’ and you are always there for him. At times, you’ll throw him out of the house – leaving him to take refuge at his parent’s home. His ‘parenting’ needs are met, until he returns home to you when all is forgiven. You return to your role as ‘parent’.
It’s possible from what you have written in the past – you are more likely to be his carer than what his parents were. He perhaps relates more to his parents previous way of life (such as their free-spirited lifestyle that included alcohol) than to your mature outlook on life. You are more responsible as an adult and this perhaps conflicts with your husbands way of seeing life.
He likes to think his parents will always be there for him, come what may. However. Deep down, he knows there will be a time when they won’t be there to look after him.
One of the reasons he feels regretful when he relapses? He genuinely knows that his parents will not be too keen to take care of him, should his addictions move on to a more advanced stage or damage his health…..Something he really needs to seriously consider and discuss in therapy himself…..
The imperative for him to be ‘lovable’ comes when he reaches out for your forgiveness. He knows the important role you play in his life – and he understands what it means to have you in his life.
You need to consider yourself because it’s a situation that is causing you much heartache.
When you look after your husband, he feels safe – with the drug, alcohol mis-use, all of the lying and hiding re-enforces this need. The knowledge (by you) of his lying forms a part of this need as well.
Even at counselling, there could be selective discussion – again like a child when they manipulate their teacher – which he’ll discuss what he want’s to.
When you ask about the session, he’ll just shrug his shoulders and tell you it ‘went OK’.
Although you are not sure about the commitment, there may be some benefit to engage in ‘couples’ counselling.
It’ll give you an opportunity to learn more because you’ll be in the same room to listen and partake in the discussion.
This may be a time for you to be honest with each other – in front of the counsellor – and more importantly, a good time to address your husband’s lack of responsibility.
Ask yourself if you want to stay married to a man you don’t trust as you know he’ll behave like this again – unless he seriously wants to grow up.
There’s also regard to how you feel about all of this and your marriage. There is the possibility that maybe, your relationship has ‘run it’s course’ – in particular since you both got married, as marriage can be a symbol representing the process of growing up, being an adult and taking responsibility.
For you, the marriage was an event in your life which you were ready to embrace to the full, yet your husband will have possibly found overwhelming.
In fairness. For all you know, from now on your husband may be seriously thinking about the future and decided he really wants to change and commit to this relationship.
One option could be to accept your husband’s lovable behaviour for the time being and see how things go from here. You may feel a little more positive about him and the marriage, then decide it’s worth continuing.
On the other hand, the same situation could arise again pretty soon, leaving you to feel that you’ve had enough….Perhaps that will be the time to send your husband home to live with parents….While you take care of yourself.
Your son’s cocaine/crack addiction has now taken over his life.
Underneath the rampaging, door smashing, abusive and desperate behaviour there seems to be a young man who may want to give up this addiction.
His ability to hold on to a job – albeit only for two days – indicates some willingness to try.
Once he gets home and starts using again, that’s when it becomes too difficult to get out of bed in the morning.
Fuel and food are an excuse for wanting drug money.
It’s hard for you to watch your son become this way. Behind his brazen, aggressive facade, there’s a young man in turmoil.
The anger could be as much at himself as it is toward you. He says he doesn’t care – yet underneath he probably does.
His desperation, no money and no drugs means he needs to come to you at all hours.
Your are at your wits end and it must be heart-breaking. The stress involved will affect your health.
There’s your own safety to consider and you don’t need this.
Perhaps it may be in your son’s best interest to involve the police.
His behaviour is totally unacceptable and extremely unfair.
Is his girlfriend trying to help him? Is it a stable relationship? Or are they both are misusing drugs?
Would some time in a police station enable your son to think about where his life is going?
He needs professional help and only he can do this.
If arrested, there’s a chance he’ll have to accept a treatment programme, as a condition of being relieved of a harsher punishment.
Shutting him out of your life is something you find unthinkable. He is your son after all and you only wish to help the lad.
Many would say you shouldn’t give him the money. However. You worry about what will happen when you say no.
For your son, help is available.
At the end of the day, he is an adult and only he can make this decision.
Taking care of yourself is priority and calling the police every time he bangs on your door is probably the only way you can deal with this.
The help that is available – whether it be online, phone lines or a group/centre near you – will only be useful if your son is willing to accept it.
You are in a very difficult and uncomfortable situation because there is no straight answer and your daughter’s drug addiction is at an advanced stage.
The continuous begging for money is an easy option for she knows how worried you are for her welfare.
The drugs are not only damaging your daughter’s body but her mind as well. Yet she is sharp enough to understand your fear of her getting money either elsewhere or by other means.
The pestering is a form of emotional blackmail and it’s a certainty the drug misuse will not stop ‘tomorrow’.
Your daughter understands that you are not going to be fooled by the ‘just one more day’ routine.
Perhaps deep underneath her pain, your daughter is trying to convince herself that this will be for just one more day. “For today only….For I’ll give up tomorrow….”
It must be soul destroying to have to go through the heartbreak of following your daughter’s journey of drug addiction.
What can you do? There are a few options to consider.
Giving your daughter the money to buy drugs is an option that could be considered quite understandable. Fair enough. It’s easy for anyone to say….”Don’t give her the money…..”
However. By giving her the money yourself, there’s some consolement/security in knowing where the money has come from.
The other option is to refuse her the money. Why not? It’s not fair that you should provide precious financial resources for her drug money.
Your daughter will not give up her drug habit tomorrow whilst you provide the financial source.
The addiction will progress due to being a reliable source of cash for any drug supplier.
Refuse your daughter the money. How will she get it?…..It’s a dilemma.
Due to her advanced stage of addiction, it’s only fair to assume that she could turn to an array of methods in order to acquire the much needed funds.
Yet there may be just a glimmer of hope in all of this. Your daughter is threatening to sell her belongings.
This may be an indication of hesitance on her behalf which means that she could be seriously wanting to come out of this addiction.
Maybe underneath she really wants to stop taking the drugs.
After all this time and having the knowledge of what is happening to her, your daughter may appreciate what damage this is doing to her.
The problem. She is the only one who can really make this decision.
What can you do? The helplines are a good source of advice/information and will assure a listening ear. It’s good to keep researching the valuable help available and see what they can offer.
However. It’s about your daughter wanting to receive help.
An option could be to be honest with your daughter and tell her that you don’t want to give her any money for the drugs and seriously want to help her.
The drugs are damaging her. Tell her directly that she seriously needs help.
An honest discussion, following on by offering to help her get into some form of therapy/rehab clinic.
It may be an option worth considering. That could be to explore the issues surrounding your daughters anxiety.
Rather than just focusing on her to get help for the drug misuse, why not suggest counselling for her anxiety. This could then lead on to her exploring some further, deeper reasons for the origination of the drug misuse.
It could also be considered a less direct or ‘softer’ starting point in encouraging her to seek help.
This must be a terrible situation for you to be in. Having to witness your daughter go through all of this.
Sadly…..You are having to suffer as well.
There’s no easy way around this. All you can do is be there for your daughter and encourage her to seek help.
Keep doing the research, contacting the helplines. Check out your local health clinic or social services…..
Whatever you do on her behalf. This will be your daughter’s decision. Especially if she is considered mentally capable.
Going by what you have written, she is an adult
Back to the dilemma of giving your daughter the money. Consider your own financial position first.
If you daughter seriously wants to break this cycle of drug misuse, she needs to seriously ask herself if this is the life she really desires.
Asking her mother for drug money just to get through another day. Is that what she really wants?
Your daughter may consider it very mean if you say no.
What will happen when you get to a financial stage where you cannot give her money? Or….You are not there to give her the money?
This is now your daughter’s decision.
It’s the shear frustration and emotional heartbreak to watch your mother go down this horrible spiral of self-destruct.
This may be the first time you ‘lost it’ with your mum but it’s not going to get better from now on. You’re emotionally strained and seeing your mum like this becomes a bigger challenge every day that passes.
You desperately want to help your mother, yet the only person who can really help is herself.
The reason for your mother not wanting to receive help could lie somewhat deeper than just the drinking.
Your mother may be in conflict with what is behind the drinking, hence the denial of accepting that she needs help.
The emotional blackmail – involving telling you that you don’t love her, threatening to either kill herself or leave – are her way of expressing her inner fear.
That is losing you.
Let’s be honest and fair. Your mum knows she needs you. Her greatest fear could be the knowledge that you are ready to leave.
Somewhere inside, your mother is trying desperately to reach out for help, yet can’t find the strength to do this.
Find a time in the day when Mum is at least a little sober. Tell her how you feel about the alcohol misuse and state that neither of you can go on like this.
You want to stay and help your mum out as best as you can but it is only your mum who can really help herself.
Encourage her to attend alcohol group meetings (for morale support and to hear other’s experiences) and counselling/therapy to privately explore the life experiences leading to your mother’s alcohol misuse.
Although your primary concern is for your mother’s welfare, it’s important that you take care of yourself.
You are sacrificing your own independence and psychological well-being in order to care for your mum.
Tell your mum that you cannot continue like this, she needs to get help and you are willing to accommodate for her doing so.
Somewhere inside, it appears that your mother is feeling the pain you experience. Mum knows she needs help. Not just for her sake. For your’s as well.
From a practical point of view it may be time to consider getting help from the social services – as you mum may progress to needing further care.
If possible. One option will be to convince your mother to attend counselling in order to explore her life and the underlying causes for her alcohol addiction.
Offering to accompany her to any sources of help may give her some encouragement.
It’s important to accept that there is only so much you can do to help your mother and it may even be a situation where, however hard you try……
All you can really do is try to help as best as you can because it really is about your mother wanting to help herself.
The man in your life will hopefully realise that what has been lost in the past cannot be undone. However. If he ‘s willing to fight his alcohol addiction, you can both look forward to a more promising future.
You constantly worry about how your partner will end this journey. However. He is not the only one who is being destroyed by alcohol. You risk your own mental and physical health.
Addressing the neglect when he was younger could help your partner overcome his battle with alcohol.
Working with a counsellor/therapist may enable your partner to face and come to terms with how his family treated him in the past.
There is help and advice available with regard to seeking support for the addiction of alcohol. There are groups your partner could join and your local health centre could offer advice.
This will take a long time to resolve, but it can be done if he is willing to help himself.
Your partner may benefit from counselling that specifically deals in these issues.