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It must be very upsetting I’m so sorry. Poor man! I’m no expert but I think you need to contact his GP and let him know. I have been to see my sons GP to express my concerns without him knowing and he was pretty helpful . He can at least point you in the right direction of support. Good luck!
Hi Bernice, poor you ! I know it sounds silly but it might be worth chatting with your GP first to see if there’s anything he can suggest to alleviate the withdrawal symptoms as I understand opiate withdrawal is tough. Your GP may also be able to refer you for some free counselling. Then I think it would be worth looking at a support group, NA or Smart Recovery for example to help you stay strong. It’ll also help to know you are not alone which you most definitely aren’t! All my best wishes
Oh Wendy, I’m so sorry to hear this. My son went through a similar thing a year ago and I ended up calling the mental health crisis team. I had to find my son though and keep him under house arrest until they came, which I appreciate is a nightmare! The crisis team don’t want to know usually if there’s drugs involved but if you say that he’s clean they should help. From there we had GP support then he agreed to go to rehab. Worth a try?
Hi Button Boy, I know! I’m so sorry! I have been researching addiction as I really want to understand why too! My son has everything going for him and is so very loved too, it makes no sense, they are ill! My parents know now and it’s breaking their hearts, I couldn’t hide it any longer from them . Not sure whether it was the right thing to do either, they both look broken now….I have only told a few people and am very wary, people talk and there’s such stigma isn’t there. Also you don’t want other people to think badly of them even though you couldn’t blame them. Yes we have tried CBT but he wasn’t honest with the counsellor so unsuccessful. Drugs seem to completely change their brain, I know he is in there somewhere but he appears for such a short time , stops for a week then starts again. I’m sure he will come back to you, he’s not ready yet maybe? You can’t give up and we have to be strong, we have no choice. All we can do is wait and be there when they ask for help I suppose. We shouldn’t be ashamed, it can happen to anyone and those people that judge are not worth knowing are they? We both love our boys and would do anything to help, but we can’t help them only they can do that. We just have to wait, keep loving them and try and keep well. It’s hard going to work and smiling everyday. People moan about really small thing don’t they and I smile inside and think if only they knew! Re. moving away, sorry to be the bringer of bad news but we tried that with our son, he wanted a fresh start so went to Geneva to live with his grandparents, it was better for a while but he went back to his old ways…
Hi Dazebot, I am so sorry for your loss. I am the mother of an addict and my husband ( not his father) is of the same view as your wife and it is incredibly difficult and hurtful to hear his views sometimes, so I completely understand. My son’s behaviour and actions have been appalling but it is clearly an illness and no right minded person would behave in that way. Do you think your wife would read a book or even an article on the subject of addiction, it may help a little. It helped me as I too feel so angry with him on a regular basis! I noticed too that there have been some recent studies that indicate that their is an actual physical difference in addicts brains….
Dear ButtonBoy,
I am so sorry to hear this. You haven’t done anything wrong and trust me I have spent many nights asking myself the very same thing. I have 2 sons both so different. one doing really well and the other 23 is spiralling more and more out of control. I did nothing differently and they have both been given every opportunity and so much love by all of the family. It is heartbreaking. He too hid his addiction to drugs for several years whilst away at University and despite going through rehab he has gradually deteriorated again. He has lost most of his friends and is about to lose his job ( again) . Only this week was thrown out of a club for using this week and was beaten up and left on the street even that didn’t make him wake up! He is wallowing in a pit of misery, ketamine, cocaine and alcohol and says he is ‘partying!!!!’ I too dread the weekends and spend most of the time wondering where he is or waiting to get calls I’d rather not take. My son too is anxious, depressed and I sadly cannot trust a thing he says. At this very moment he is trying to get money out of me… Word too has spread in our town about my son’s behaviour which is becoming increasingly sad and I struggle to face people in case they ask the dreaded how are the boys doing…..
I have been speaking to the Icarus trust they have been incredibly kind and supportive and just talking through things with one of their counsellors. He has gone some way into making me realise that until my son wants to change I can’t do anything. I have to try live my life and take a step back, but this is incredibly hard. I too dread the weekends and the states I find him in. All the nights I’ve picked him up and ‘saved’ him have not made any difference and until he decides he wants help I’ve got to leave him to it.They also say that until we stop saving them and they realise the consequence of their actions they will not change. It’s heartbreaking isn’t it, what a waste of a life! Have you spoken to anyone? My doctor is great but there is little help out there if they do not want to change .Aside from locking them away under house arrest when they are adults what can you do? Smart recovery have a family and friends online support on a Monday evening that I sometimes dial into. It’s useful to listen and get some practical tips about how to cope. But please remember you didn’t do anything wrong, I think our kids were vulnerable and cocaine is pure evil!
Dear RRobin and desperate, I am so sorry to hear your stories. I too have an addicted son whose behaviour is slowly destroying our family. Just this week he has smashed his car , been mugged after being thrown out of a nightclub for using and spouted yet more lies and manipulation to his family including his beloved grandparents. His behaviour is destroying our family but I am having to hold it together and have come to realise that this means withdrawing from him for the sake of everyone else. He is going to have to take the consequences be it prison or whatever. I am so sorry for you both and wish I could help. Not sure why we all have been given this to bear xx
Hi Tigerbabby, I’m so sorry to hear your story and wish I had a magic wand! I am a mother of a 23 year old addict and can truly empathise with you, I’m afraid I have lost that trust too in my son. I think you have done amazingly well as it’s the hardest thing watching someone destroy themselves and their family with seemingly no regard for anything but themselves and their addiction. I phoned a helpline yesterday and they said that an addict is only really in love with their drug of choice and whilst they may care about you deep down they can’t really for relationships. Sorry you have no one to talk to, I don’t really talk to anyone about it, there’s such a stigma isn’t there?
It sounds like you have made your decision and i personally think that feeling angry is a positive step. You don’t deserve this and you have to look after you and your son x
Oh I’m so sorry and yes it sounds frighteningly familiar! My son has currently been signed off by the doctors for 3 weeks so goodness knows what will happen when he goes back to work….. I really wish I had a magic wand! Is your son upset about his job? Do you think this could be a wake up call at all? They say sometimes this can shake them up into making a change?
I’m am so very sorry. Does your son want help and is he admitting he has a problem? I’m only asking as your GP may be able to get him into rehab. My son went in for 28 days last November. Sadly we had to pay as the waiting list was too long in our area but is worth mentioning to GP
You can find it on the internet it’s from the book stop walking on eggshells and starts with consider a lighthouse…
I completely understand my husband is not my sons dad either and you are completely torn and even though you know that they have every right to say the stuff about your son, it still hurts and causes friction! I have been attending an online forum with Smart recovery on a Monday evening which is for families who are going through this, it does help a bit. I’m not a poem person but they shared a poem about a lighthouse which sums up the role that we as parents play , I find that reading this brings me a bit of comfort to stay strong, try , look after myself and be positive . They also give you practical advice on how to not ‘enable’ the addiction but mainly it’s about looking after you!
Have you told your daughter the impact it’s having on your family? I lay awake (again!) last night composing a letter in my head to my son explaining what he’s done to us. I don’t think I can ever tell him these things as this risks putting him back in a seriously depressed state.
I think we need to keep sharing as a way of staying sane! I agree with 2468 people are very good and giving advice but things like throw him out aren’t very useful as I know the outcome wouldn’t be good!
I’m a mother of a 23 year old who has drug, alcohol and mental health problems. I truly sympathise with you and I’m so sorry to hear your story. I’m pretty desperate myself and struggling to keep up the pretence that I’m coping. It’s hard to be the one that is left to constantly pick up the pieces and be strong. It’s like being caught in a loop. Off out for dinner with friends who know nothing about the situation and all seem to have perfect lives and children… do you think they do? Not sure what i did?