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Hi Baybelle,
I was going to recommend Famanon forums for you as they have lots of parents of addicts in similar situations to you who would give you good advice here. They’re a lovely bunch.
You deserve to find your own peace in all of this and I hope you do x
It’s completely up to you. Sometimes keeping that contact will keep you stressed and drained even though you’ve took a step away, or sometimes you might want to just know he’s safe.
I know when I first left my partner years ago I cut all contact, for my own wellbeing as even a text message just upset me and it wasn’t doing me any good. He got sober on his own and eventually we kept in touch, when we were both a bit stronger mentally. But you’ll know what you can handle and what’s best for you.
Wishing both of you all the best x
You ladies are making me feel like I’m not too bad with these stories, what you’ve been through is horrendous.
I hope you both manage to keep your heads up high and you’re staying as strong as you can through this x
I am still with him sort of but at arms length while he goes through recovery. I see him a few times a week and we keep in touch but that’s all for now.
You can’t fix another person by just being a good person yourself, much as you might want to. I’ve been in relationships even before this one when I told myself I would help him and we’d make it work – it’s a recipe for disaster. I think it’s clear from how you’ve dealt with this that you’ve not had the best experiences before but this might be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. What I’ve dealt with over the last 6 months I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and I’m only still here as he had 3 whole years of sobriety and happiness with me before he messed it all up again, so I know he can do this. But he was an addict when we first met 6 years ago, and I left him within 8 months as I wasn’t sticking around while he messed up both our lives. He only got sober after I left – both times. I was sitting reading books on cocaine addiction and trying to help him, and he was out there absolutely full of it 24/7. You can only do so much.
It’s not even just the addiction but what comes with it. The lack of trust is one thing, but their erratic behaviour can mean you end up with enemies at your door. The financial abuse – there’s women on these forums who have an almost lost their homes because of this. Never feeling settled, never feeling like everything is okay as you’re waiting on the next bit of bad news. And if you read other ladies stories, I actually look like a lucky one as a lot of them have had so much verbal abuse, accusations and hell from their paranoid partner to top it off.
Being single will not kill you and you don’t deserve a life filled with heartache. Keep in touch with him by all means long as it doesn’t harm you, but put yourself first x
I think you sound like a really kind and loving person and unfortunately it’s people like us who end up being taken advantage of.
I definitely think you should put yourself first. It took me time to realise that with addiction, we can’t solve their problems for them. We are completely powerless in that, it all has to come from them. I have tried standing by and supporting my partner at various points, it did nothing. His use increased and increased until it got to the point he couldn’t hide it anymore and even then, he didn’t try to change until he lost everything (both times that included me, his job, and his home). So I’m probably sounding really pessimistic but that’s just my experience, I wasted a long time being that support for him, when he only really started to change when I walked away.
You sound young with your whole life ahead of you so don’t sacrifice that for him. Put your life and your education first. I do agree you should try to put things on hold if he’s serious about recovery – you can focus on you and if he gets better, great. But just remember you can’t fix him, he has to do it for himself x
This is a lot to unpack but good luck to you. I doubt you’ll be saying the same things five years down the line, and I think it’s horrific you believe that this is your first healthy relationship – with a partner in active addiction, who isn’t trying to recover, who you say regularly doesn’t care about you and cheats on you. That’s really frightening.
I know that’s harsh, but speaking from experience, nothing but tough love has ever worked for me when dealing with a partner with addiction. You need boundaries or they continue to do what they want, that’s how addiction works. They won’t stop until they’ve no choice left. And by you being there as that constant support, you’ll drive yourself insane and sacrifice everything you are for them. There’s meetings and help available for him if he wanted to change for you, is he going to them? Is he putting anything into this fight, or is it just you? This isn’t a healthy relationship no matter how much you might tell yourself it is, I’m sorry x
I have that same feeling of “what’s next?!”. I think it’s because you have all this hope it’ll be okay and then you suffer downfall after downfall so you end up with this impending sense of doom!! Even though he’s doing well now, it can turn just like that and it just feels like the ground is waiting to open up again.
Go easy on yourself and don’t be giving yourself a hard time for struggling – this is hard!! I really hope time is a healer, for both of us, with or without them x
Oh M I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. I know it’s hard but definitely keep some distance between the two of you. It’s not fair at all you’re dealing with abuse like that, and addict or not, what he’s doing is controlling abuse and you don’t deserve to put up with it.
I have a 16 year old and like you I sometimes vent to her about what’s happening and then feel guilty that I shouldn’t worry her with things like this. But don’t feel selfish. You’re in a horrendous situation and if you don’t speak to those you love and trust, you’ll crack up!
I’ve struggled the last while with the idea that I can’t picture myself getting over this again and moving on with our lives together. But maybe the one day at a time rule applies to us too. No point stressing about the future and just try to make it through each day. I don’t stress about him recovering anymore, that’s his job, it’s not mine. Taking that pressure away helped me a little. I see him for walks and dinners and we message but that’s the limit for now. He’s doing well but I need that distance for my own sake and I won’t apologise for being selfish after what he’s done.
Your husband sounds like he’s got a good bit to go with recovery but please know this is not your fight, it’s his. There’s help out there for him, he has these choices. You deserve peace. It hurts so much to walk away but sometimes they leave us no choice. And it doesn’t mean it’s the end, just sometimes it’s healthier for him to focus on his fight alone and you might want to repair yourself alone.
I hope things get better for you x
Hi M,
I think mines has suffered his own paranoia but he’s not redirected this at me and accused me of anything. Honestly if there was anything like that, I would have done a runner as this is hard enough to go through! He’s not been abusive like a lot of ladies on these forums have been through but if he had I wouldn’t be on here, I would be gone and wouldn’t have looked back.
He has told me before that in his head he always thinks I’m too good for him and will leave him, that addict thing that then justifies them continuing to use and do what they like as what’s the point in trying, she’ll leave me anyway etc. They have to point fault at you to take away from their own faults.
It sounds like you’re going through a living hell and maybe him living there isn’t what’s best for you? Is he still using I take it?
I hope you’re making time for you and even taking wee steps to take your life back x
I agree with M… the disappearing is a sign of heavy use but also if you disappear, you can do what you like without judgement from who you’re with. My man was always nipping out, be it to the shop, popping in to see someone, always an excuse to get out, when he was probably parked up somewhere taking cocaine alone. It’s a miserable existence for him as well as you, but the difference is he can fix it, but you can’t.
I re-read your post there and seen you’ve only been with him for a year and it doesn’t sound like it’s been the happiest year? I know there’s a lot of ladies on here who wish we could turn back the clock and run when we weren’t long into our relationships before committing to this life. Obviously what you do is up to you, but unless there’s something really special there worth saving, this might be a lot of stress you could do without x
Well done Mark. The alcohol thing definitely goes hand in hand for a lot of people at the moment especially when starting out into their addiction. I totally get it’s a lot harder to say no after a drink!
Unfortunately for my partner it was a lot worse than that, he’s completely teetotal and has been for years, he was using at work, he doesn’t ever party, this was just him and his colleagues on the building sites who were also using all day and unable to explain to their families why their wage packet was disappearing. It’s absolutely tragic and a bit of an epidemic where we are.
Keep up the good work, though it sounds like you know your triggers and will keep going from strength to strength x
It’s so hard. Especially when they’re doing well but the hurt you’ve been through is so much you can’t picture it ever getting back to how it was. I split up with him for a full year when he ruined things five years ago (it wasn’t just the addiction but I also found out while we were together he had given a lift to his ex one night, and I found messages he’d sent to her that night clearly coked up asking her to let him come in for a bit – she refused, so there was a cheating element), I was in bits and had a bit of a party year then put myself back together again. And when we started speaking again it took me a long time to even see him like that, I had to fight that barrier. And we’re back to him having lied for a year, we bought a house that I can’t afford alone, and I’m back to being that paranoid wreck. When is enough enough? I just don’t know anymore.
I hope your partner realises that while he’s doing what he should, getting himself better etc, that it takes more than that to heal the trauma you’ve been through and to earn that trust again. It takes a long time and it’s so difficult.
Thanks for listening to me overshare! It does help to vent x
Hi Gaddict,
Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s nice to know it’s possible as it’s so hard to stay hopeful sometimes x
Yes he’s back in recovery and seems to now be fully engaging with the process but it’s done so much damage to my mental health and our relationship in the process. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. He’s been out of the house since March and I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be ready to let him back in. It can be so hard to see a future with someone when you start to completely regret ever letting them back into your life only to destroy it for the second time. What’s left when the trust is gone?
These forums have helped me because when he first confessed to a slip I did some research online and everything I found said to support him, don’t make a thing of it, he’ll feel bad enough, help him through. My biggest regret is doing that, telling nobody, and enabling him to get worse and worse with no consequences.
You’re not alone in this but please think of yourself and whether this is what you want from life x
I don’t know how you’ve dealt with this for all this time. You must be the strongest woman in the world by now!
It’s so hard and sometimes I don’t think they realise the damage they have done. Sometimes mines acts like I should just snap out of it and go back to how we were before, but it’s impossible. Everything in me is screaming to run and protect myself while he thinks he’s doing better and we can just move on from this and get back to how we were. I have no clue if that’s possible now.
I would keep talking it out as you need to make this right in your head. He’s hurt you and he should understand that, you didn’t do anything wrong here. You might benefit from having a bit of space away from him to process everything? That’s what I had to do as it just wasn’t working with him in the house and I think he’s getting antsy at not getting back in yet but we have a long way to go before I’ll even consider that.
Its just a living nightmare isn’t it x