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Oh februarymarie I feel for you. This roller coaster of extreme emotions we are put on through no choice or fault of our own. But but but, we do have control of how much we tolerate and that’s what we should focus on.
No amount of love can change addiction, don’t feel guilty for setting and sticking to boundaries.
Enabling in any way only exacerbates the problem.
We are not to blame for the addictions so guilt is a wasted emotion.
We are people too!
We matter as much as any other human and have the right to live a life worth living.
It’s OK not to feel OK
It’s OK to forge a life outside of the addicted child
And the most important thing, isolation by the addict only gives them more power. Tell people what is happening, there is no shame, we have done nothing wrong. Most people are very empathetic.
Example, I told one of my neighbours when we were having a chat, turns out her father had been an abusive alcoholic, we both cried, we both hugged, she felt the overwhelming relief of keeping it all in too. I felt better for not keeping it a secret anymore and it liberated me. The secrecy only serves to keep us isolated which in turn plays into the hands of the addict because the focus remains on them if nobody else knows and the focus needs to be on the other things in life that keep you sane and happy, not the addict.
Love to all and the best advice I can give at the moment is to tell, tell anyone you think may in some small way be able to help you, even if it’s just a shoulder to cry on. Xxx
Welcome cornwallmother2020 no you are not alone.
Thank you, for me personally, as somebody bought up in the Military, it has been very emotional. For Queen and Country was, paradoxically, the toast before every meal and the mantra of every serving person prior to going into battle. She was so much part of my life and early adulthood. She truly was an inspirational woman that was the very best example of selflessness, dignity, humility and generosity of spirit. Long live our King. ❤️
Imagine dragon stay strong. Keep him at arms length. I am very concerned about the levels of violence he is now displaying. It’s a bit of a crunch time for him now. He is behaving like a toddler having a tantrum, not so unusual in people who failed to grow up because they took alcohol or drugs which stops them having to face into life. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is the most dangerous of all of them and his current behaviours would also suggest an anti social PD too.
Have a break, we are all here for you. Xx
‘ THEY WANT TO WEAR YOU DOWN SO THEY CAN KEEP USING WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES.’ Probably the most important phrase to have been written on this forum. It is exactly that. This unwritten rule of ‘unconditional love’ is so insidious. It means, in essence, NO BOUNDARIES, that is not a good parenting formula, not when they are little or when they are grown. It also means we follow this unwritten code because we feel we should always be there no matter what. Well, let me tell you something, it’s a crock. Mothers love does not mean doormat. Mothers love does not mean punchbag. Mothers love does not mean unhappiness. A mothers love should be nurturing, not enabling.
Please do not feel guilty if you turn your addict ADULT child away because they are abusing you. They have no right to behave in that way and you do not have to tolerate it.
Golden rules
Set boundaries and do not deviate
Do not tolerate abuse either verbally mentally or physically
Actions must have consequences
Do not give them money
Do not feed them
Do not provide them with a roof over their heads
It is very well documented that the enabled addict will never ever get better. Killing with kindness. It will kill them and you.
I just watched a documentary last night Killing mum and dad. The son was a raging alcoholic who had previously been violent towards his parents, ex partners and others. They kept taking him back. One night he viciously bludgeoned them to death. Look up the case of Philip Middleton. It’s the most extreme example of what happens when you enable, however it is a lesson as to why enabling an addict can have dire consequences.
The comments by all the professionals involved included the phrase, ‘if only they had not taken him back into their home and set boundaries, then this would not have happened’
Keep safe, love yourself, don’t give in to blackmail, take time for yourselves.
Imagine dragon some great advice on here, block your son and unblock when you feel you have had enough space. You cannot live like this. He clearly isn’t taking responsibility for his addictions and will drag you down with him. As I have previously stated, personality disorders are at play here. You can’t treat a personality disorder unless the person has insight into their behaviours. I am not so sure that making excuses and stating they are like this because of their addictions is helpful, it’s a reason not an excuse and the more their behaviours are excused the less likely they are to front into any of their problems. Give yourself some love and care now. X
Imagine dragon I have had it all too. I cut him off until he could be civil. I got some peace then. You and your mum are being subjected to what is actually a criminal offence. Verbal abuse is treated in the same way as physical abuse now. Please keep yourselves safe, especially your mum. Again I can only advise that you call the police if this continues. Your mum especially is at significant risk from him. If you want some support with this please call the domestic violence helplines, because this is what this is, you are victims. X
Probably going to get shot down saying this, however we must stop calling it an illness, it panders to the addictive behaviours. Nicotine is one of the most addictive substances there is. Nobody calls that an illness and plenty of people quit smoking through sheer will power and determination, myself included. It isn’t an illness it is a choice and addicts of alcohol and drugs have far more support than those that are addicted to nicotine. Nobody ever said I had an illness and I never saw it as an illness. I gave up when pregnant to protect my unborn children and because of the financial cost, swimming with the kids or a 20 a day habit …, no contest.
If I had a pound for every time I heard ‘I am sorry’ ‘ I can’t help it’ ‘nobody understands what it’s like’ I would be rich and actually I do know what it’s like, nicotine withdrawal isn’t exactly a walk in the park and I sometimes want a cigarette but choose not to, the craving doesn’t go. The poor me mantra now goes straight over my head. They do it because they like the highs and prefer that to facing into real life and all the problems that come with it. I personally think it’s a cop out. A way not to be responsible, a way not to have to have a mundane life a way to run away from the problems they have created. It is not an illness. Cancer is an illness.
Sorry if I have offended anyone.
Probably going to get shot down saying this, however we must stop calling it an illness, it panders to the addictive behaviours. Nicotine is one of the most addictive substances there is. Nobody calls that an illness and plenty of people quit smoking through sheer will power and determination, myself included. It isn’t an illness it is a choice and addicts of alcohol and drugs have far more support than those that are addicted to nicotine. Nobody ever said I had an illness and I never saw it as an illness. I gave up when pregnant to protect my unborn children and because of the financial cost, swimming with the kids or a 20 a day habit …, no contest.
If I had a pound for every time I heard ‘I am sorry’ ‘ I can’t help it’ ‘nobody understands what it’s like’ I would be rich and actually I do know what it’s like, nicotine withdrawal isn’t exactly a walk in the park and I sometimes want a cigarette but choose not to, the craving doesn’t go. The poor me mantra now goes straight over my head. They do it because they like the highs and prefer that to facing into real life and all the problems that come with it. I personally think it’s a cop out. A way not to be responsible, a way not to have to have a mundane life a way to run away from the problems they have created. It is not an illness. Cancer is an illness.
Sorry if I have offended anyone.
Joanie59 It makes me so sad when I read your story. The addict has sucked the life out of your life. This is why my psychiatrist friend says they have personality disorders, narcissism and anti social. I see it so plainly now I have removed the emotion. My mother is exactly the same a functioning alcoholic that is all about her and her needs, so maybe my upbringing has helped me see things in a different way, I was the parent as a child, my mother hasn’t changed in the 60 years which says it all. She has always been able to afford her addiction however my life as a child was nothing short of miserable. Don’t let your son steal what is left of your life. You have sacrificed so much already and it won’t make any difference to his addictions I can assure you. Save what’s left of your life. If he chooses to destroy his then let him. It really is not your responsibility, set yourself free x
Fed up mom please please stop being a ‘mum’ he is an adult now, he isn’t a child any longer. He is emotionally blackmailing you. It’s up to him whether or not he attends a job interview. You have to look after yourself now. He either sinks or swims, but if you are going to be his arm bands then he is never going to do either. Remember he is all grown up, you are no longer responsible for his choices. He has to do this for himself. If you continue like this not only are you going to go downhill fast, he is going to control your life forever and nothing will change. As hard as it is and I do know, it’s time to call it out, it doesn’t make you a bad person, you can’t save an addict only they can do that. X
Alcohol is the gateway drug, most drug addicts were drinking alcohol when they first took illegal drugs as it disinhibits. Alcohol is the most dangerous drug out there, this has been scientifically verified time and time again. It will never be banned it fills the government coffers 22% or more of the price paid is tax.
I don’t see cannabis as a major problem. I work in this field and the vast majority of people using cannabis have never touched anything else and don’t want to, however that is not to say that some strains can be harmful outside of it being smoked.
It doesn’t matter whether it’s legalised or not, people will still abuse drugs or alcohol. The legislation is irrelevant, addicts are addicts and it not being widely available legally makes absolutely no difference in fact it’s worse because the crime associated with illegal drug activity or drinking is horrendous. They will find a way to get it prison being a prime example, if they can’t get drugs in they get prescription drugs and find ingenious ways of turning them into something that gives them a huge high. For example Buscopan an IBS drug was being smoked or heated up on vapes. Google it. So even when they can’t get their heroin, coke, crack or booze they will turn to something else.
Hi Imagine Dragon where do I start … first of all vomiting blood could just be that he has torn the lining in his stomach if he has vomited a lot and if he is vomiting a lot his vision will become blurry, I know this through experience, I suffered from migraines for years and would be very sick with them, which often led to blood in my vomit and dizziness through not having any food in me.
Did you witness the blood in his vomit? The reason I ask this is because my son told everyone he had found a lump in his stomach, had gone to hospital and been diagnosed with cancer … It was a pack of lies, lies to garner sympathy because everyone had switched him off. He did this during a period of time in which my father in law was dying of cancer and after I had lost my own father to liver cancer. It’s probably the one thing I will never forgive him for it was a lie too far. It caused immense harm to his siblings.
If he has been to the doctors as he states and he has not been sent straight to hospital chances are he is either being sick because of his lifestyle or he’s lying.
Of course they are going to get ill if anyone of us overindulged in anything it would make us sick too. The fact he was well enough to go and get his drugs says it all really, not that sick.
Again apologies for being brutal about this, but addicts lie, they lie about everything, so unless I witness something for myself I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
My advice is to be very circumspect about what you are told and look after yourself first now. They are addicted to the drama that goes with addiction as well as their chosen poison. Any small event can then be used as the excuse to indulge. They seem to thrive on chaos.
The softly softly approach to addiction that has been the norm for so many years is slowly being replaced by a far more rigid tough love in the USA because they have finally worked out that the former doesn’t work. In Greece, where my mother lives, they do not pander to addicts and the hard approach they take actually has a much higher success rate than the methods currently used here.
I am going to reiterate something that I was asked by a psychiatrist friend of mine who specialises in personality disorders (he is adamant that most addicts have that) He asked me would I tolerate the behaviours of my son if it was a very good lifelong friend and of course the answer was no. He said I needed to give myself permission not to be used and abused just because I gave birth to my son. Motherhood does not equal emotional or physical punchbag. He was right, the minute I disassociated myself from the mother label and took a more pragmatic approach, I was able to breathe again. I don’t feel guilty about it either, I did not create the situation, it’s not my job to fix it, he is an adult it’s his job to change.
Jennifer68 I am so very sorry to read this. You have partly answered your own question. You say he has hit rock bottom many times on the one hand and then say you will never kick him out on the other hand. He hasn’t hit rock bottom whilst he has a roof over his head and everything that goes with that. Sadly, we have all been here and it’s only when you realise that you are enabling the addictions by providing a safety net that you get the strength to ask them to leave. Every professional I have ever talked to from psychiatrists to psychologists to drug and alcohol counsellors say the same thing. Do not enable, do not feed them, do not provide a safe place, do not pay their bills etc etc because whilst you are doing that they are very unlikely to seek help. I am sorry if this sounds harsh I don’t intend to be, I have learnt the hard way, years of enabling my son which in turn made me and many of us on this forum ill, physically and mentally.
I can only advise you to seek professional advice for yourself to help you make informed decisions ones that aren’t affected by the emotions that come with being the parent of an addict.
Fed up mom what about writing a letter to your son telling him how you feel and that you will not be enabling anymore and that you will support any decisions he makes to address his addictions but that is it. Sometimes writing is easier.