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<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Poppy ,</p>
this was also my experience. I have two small children aged 4 and 6. My husband always dabbled in it seems when he was younger ( only realised how much once it was too late ). Dec 2020 I found out he had been gambling , using 1-3 grams a day of coke and was sinking his business and our finances fast . He promised me for 18 months he was stopping doing it , he went to a rehab assessment once but never returned and then he began disappearing for days at a time (4/5) using in hotels spending money to stay away and just hold himself up this went on for about 9 months – whilst I tried to hold my job down and floundered running the house and bringing up the children . When he did return he would sleep all day and stopped going to work ( his own business too which was frightening as he was the bread winner Also). He stopped showing interest in our children , me everything that he once loved and enjoyed he lied and swerved to do what he was doing . Fast forward to Aug 22, I had to call it a day – for the sake of my kids, I reached a really dark place and knew I’d done all to help him . I felt too like I had abandoned him and sometimes the guilt washes over me intermittently , but I had to think of myself and our children .We sold the family home and I left with our kids.
more then a year later – within our 4 walls me and the children are now content and happy . But my now ex husband still hasn’t hit rock bottom yet . He’s in so much money trouble , sleeps still all day , but the lies and manipulation and volatile behaviour towards me is really bad – worse than ever before . I’ve tried to steer a safe relationship for him to see the children( I know how much he worshipped them before he started this path ) but he’s recently started to not care and use when he’s due to have them, tests positive and then turns aggressive so I have to keep them away and breaking their hearts at the time but I have to safeguard them .
Only you can decide poppy – but bottom line – it’s self preservation. Whatever you decide isn’t going to be easy , maybe one day he will admit he has a problem and sort it out . But for the sake of your sanity and children’s happiness please think carefully . Sending hugs and strength – cause it’s the merry go round of hell . Lots of love xHey Wavy,
my ex husband used to behave in the exact same way I’m sorry to say to you . After a while you just “ know”. Mine would swear on our children’s lives but all tell tale signs there – causing arguments to disappear for a few nights “ to clear his head” snotty nose , tired and then the days spent in bed . No interest in us or the family . The push on the test used to seal it for us – he refused because he was positive all day long .
mine made so many promises , told me what I wanted to hear . Went to rehab once but Fired it off. Mine will still say to this day he isn’t dependant on cocaine , he’s spent nearly everything he’s worked for , we sold the family home , split up and I have to drugs test him whenever he has our children , the rest of the time he sleeps all day and doesn’t go to work hardly ever .
it’s a sad existence, you need to take care of yourself in this chaos . Wishing you the best – follow your gut- cause 99.9% it’s spot on xxHi Poppy,
I’m so Sorry to read what has happened , it’s the merry go round of hell and absolutely not are you being unreasonable.
I have a similar story , I asked for all access to my husbands Accs, but he too used to say you need to trust me , refused and we did the same thing week in week out for 18 months .insisted I’m clean , the most he ever did was 12 days .
In 2020 I discovered his secret that he was an addict and using constantly prob since 2019 . my Children were 2 and 4 it was chaos, dealer leaving coke in the hedge to pick up , He disappeared for 4/5 days at a time using in different hotels – late summer last year I called it a day before I made myself seriously ill I felt like the person I once loved had died and the lies were out of control, he sank us financially and I could see the house bills weren’t going to be met ( he was the bread winner ) .
You’re going to be ok and the children but you need to keep strong and start questioning what lies ahead . It’s the most heartbreaking scenario but you have to think of you and the kids and your sanity .
Doesn’t sound like he’s hit rock bottom yet ..Mine still hasn’t , he’s alone in the house , sleeps most days and personality differs every day . Our divorce finalises next month , I couldn’t do anymore I have had to make my peace with that.
Sending hugs and strength xxx
Thanks Vince for your input – I always read the insights to what it’s like to actually be on the other side to be more understanding of addiction . I can relate completely to what your saying – I see it in my ex husband, I let him come see the kids last night at my house , he plays with them – so good with them as he always was but then all of a sudden he’s agitated and makes an excuse to leave that he’s gotta be somewhere…. I know where. I don’t comment he just goes , it’s heartbreaking to see the person I once loved act in such a way .
Hey Bella,
I’m sorry to read this sweets . It’s so so hard it really is .
I’m not saying yours will end the same as mine , but I had no choice but to leave my OH , I couldn’t cope with him any longer . I watch him from afar now living alone and using , every time we have contact I wonder which Jekyll and Hyde it will be that day .
I know it’s an everyday struggle but you are so strong sticking by him – you all are . I wish I could have done the same but there’s no end in sight to mine even trying to stop. I’ve had to accept it’s time for me and the kids to move on and make our own life , I include him with the kids as much as I can safely , but he still taking risks. Sending love and hugs xxHi everyone , I wanted to come on and check in and see how you girls are ?, I hope life is calm and you are all doing ok in the circumstances you are in .
it’s been a year next week since I left my OH and 6 months since the family home went and I read back my previous posts and I find comfort in them desperate early posts I wrote .. what a different place I am now in .
be lovely to hear from any of you . Take care xx
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Daisy day just read your post ,how are you ? I went through this for 2 years , sympathise completely. Everyday was torture , questioning him , myself and lies like I’ve never known ever. Sending hugs xx</p>
Hi Vivian .
I feel your pain . Ive also been in this situation , I still am in some respects but after nearly two years of hoping and trying to fix him I called it quits . I have two little ones to look after and I no longer could deal with spinning all these plates. My OH has never really made an attempt to quit , maybe once before he sought professional help and he only did that I believe because that what me and his family were hoping would help because we are all of ideas. I too have lived with “the ghost”, finances have come crashing down , he shows no emotion to things he once did , he’s detached from real life .
I know how hard it is the think about walking away , I feel it’s like a grieving process there’s different stages , I too have mourned our past life – like you lovely holidays we experienced, adventures and just genuine togetherness.. but he has slowly undone all of this . He left the family home a number of months ago now and has completely gone off the rails with the using and running debts up . I know that I cannot allow myself or my children to be put through anymore of this chaos even though a piece of me longs to have my old best friend back .. but he isn’t ready to be helped yet and I can’t change that and I’ve so so tried since the day I found out . It’s so sad – I’m frightened for him – but as harsh as it is I hope that us leaving will ultimately lead him into addressing his addiction and one day daddy will be back for his children .I had to put it to myself like this , I’ve done a couple of years of this and can I see myself here in another couple ?…. Bottom line No . My mental health won’t stand it , I need to function again and be a full devoted mummy again and my husband won’t change whilst everything and everyone remains in place .
Wishing you luck and hugs with your decision , it’s tough and hard ride ( mines no where near at an end yet ) but it’s the biggest “ self care” decision you will ever make, be brave it’s going to be ok xxBluestar. My heart hurts for you , sending you a huge squeeze – I’ve been there not so long ago . I’ve just walked away from my 15 year relationship , married for 7 , we have two small children , and our beautiful forever family home has just been sold because of him and his destructive choices. .
I’ll try a Short version Dec 2020 I found out my OH was using cocaine , he blagged me it was recreational?! ( lockdown ?! I think not ) and I kept this hideous soul destroying secret to my complete self until sept 2021. During this time my OH deteriorated more and I realised end of 21 he was using every day whilst at work , at nights just sat at home whilst our children slept, dealers vining yo our home and me unaware !! . I sat him down too numerous times thinking I could help him and we could solve this , but my once best friend who I could talk to for hours , my caring husband – hero of a daddy slowly began to leave .
He stopped getting up for work, he sometimes didn’t come home and would go binging in hotels for days on end . He stopped helping me around the house or being apart of the childrens day to day lives . It started to eat away at me – the resentment , the loneliness. But the lies and the times he turned the story on its head leaving me at fault – I was traumatised.
During the 18 months of merry go round hell , I’ve just about managed to hold down my job without anyone knowing but I buckled in March finally and told his family . They were gutted but I don’t think at the time they realised this Stuff had taken their loving , fun son away.
Over the last 6 months he disappearing mid week and not coming back till end of week then crashing all weekend only to give in on a Monday and start all over again . 7 weeks ago we went on a family holiday , the day after we got back he disappeared for the final time for 4 days – this time I refused to let him back and finished it .
Since then he’s a nightmare – got worse Infact but the difference is I don’t have his chaos ruling me and my children under our own roof. Some times we don’t hear from him for days , then he comes to the house all attentive and emotional ready to quit but literally can’t go more than 6 days off it . He will then binge go out living his best life ( telling everyone that we have split because I won’t let him go out – absolute c r a p) and only come back to see the kids when reality starts to set in so he takes more and we do it all again .
I’ve not had a proper rest in 7 weeks , he rarely asks how the kids are and has no interest if we are ok for money , good etc- absolutely emotionless and no f3cks given .
When he comes round ( I won’t let him drive kids as always positive on tests )he hangs around the house because he can with it being his too but when we leave before Xmas to go to new house I won’t be letting him “ hang out “ at ours . I honestly thought me and our children leaving him behind might of brought him round , but it has not 🙁 It’s going to hurt Bluestar, it’s a
Big old long road – but my advice , walk away … I’m sorry but your OH has been lost to this devils drug too . Look after yourself babe and start to plan . You can and will do this .
Emma- your sum up , I can only wish for your ending to happen to me one day.. I’ve been sad a
For too long .enjoy every moment of your fresh start – love to read a positive outcome story xxx
Hey Bella,
I’m sorry your having to put up with this Jekyll and Hyde character yet again 🙁 are you sure he’s clean ? Have you tested him ? ( don’t mean to be negative about his successes if they are for real).
Am ok ish still living at the circus here , but things are progressing – I’m defo leaving this all behind. Sending love and a big hug xxx
Sorry I’ve been quiet – like I said the circus is here at mine. Hope the rest of you girls are ok – will log on and update properly when I can . Sending strength to you warrior women xx
Hey Bella,
I’m sorry your having to put up with this Jekyll and Hyde character yet again 🙁 are you sure he’s clean ? Have you tested him ? ( don’t mean to be negative about his successes if they are for real).
Am ok ish still living at the circus here , but things are progressing – I’m defo leaving this all behind. Sending love and a big hug xxx
Sorry I’ve been quiet – like I said the circus is here at mine. Hope the rest of you girls are ok – will log on and update properly when I can . Sending strength to you warrior women xx
Hey Fayzey . Am ok but big changes here .. we went on our family holiday , he craved through most of it non stop smoking and drinking as couldn’t get his hands on that junk . The day after we flew home he said he was nipping out for an hour or so and disappeared for 3 days binging , no contact nothing , when I finally heard from him – or I found him binging with one of his other coke idiot friends I told him this was it. And it is, our family home is up for sale , and I plan to start divorce proceedings in the not too distant future . I have a rented house lined up to go to with the children and home life with just us is calmer. But he’s still on his merry go round from hell , uses , isolates, hates ( esp me when high) comes off, crashes, cries, remorse, tries yo get clean can’t hack it and so does it all again – you know that script Fayzey.
Mine has also referred to rehab but he is only telling everyone around what they want to hear . Right now there’s no way he’s anywhere near recovery . I feel like i have deserted him if some ways- like I wonder ..did I love enough rather than just coped and fumed , but I think I’ve done all I could . Such a bad mental battle for us partners isn’t it – I will always have “ what ifs” I think .
I really hope yours is serious and it’s the first step for him . Do you think there’s a chance for you both if he shows he could be in recovery ?, hoping it works out for you but mainly hope you get your happy whichever way it goes xx
Hello all,
Awh Bella pop I’m gutted for you , it’s so awful the cycle I have no words of advice so sorry – because you have read my previous posts and know I’ve been in that boat too .
Fayzey – hoping things are calm
For you at the moment ?.
And navy sending you a big hug , my heart ached at your last post about how long since he last held you . I completely relate – I can’t remember when mine held me tight genuinely the last time . So long ago I didn’t embrace it enough to keep as a memory xxx
Strength and love to you all xx
Morning ladies ,
Mine can look for blame all he likes but he still refuses to seek professional help that’s what he should be addressing first off :/.
Fazey you must be shattered – emotional adrenaline whilst he causes the chaos and then when it ends the exhaustion sweeps over doesn’t it – does good for treats though like hair 🙂 I promise myself little treats like that every so often just to get by- helps massively – hope your time off helps you recover . Bella hope yours is going ok too.
Catch you soon – take care xxx