[purpleheart]

Hi, I’m in the same predicament right now as you – I found out my husband had a coke problem at Christmas but he also drinks nearly every night . He refused professional help though and said he was managing it himself .

But Over the months I’ve just found myself watching him, looking for clues all the time and so much resentment because I feel like he’s smashed our bubble ( I know that sounds selfish don’t mean to be). Last night whilst I was on a mums night out he dropped off the waggon and unbeknown to me was using and drinking very heavily whilst our little kids were in bed. He has his own business that has suffered since covid and the last couple of months he can’t get up in a morning and fobs work off at the drop of a hat . Now we have cash flow issues and I rely on him financially since we had our kids .

He’s been quite aggressive in arguments last few weeks too I should of clicked sooner really . I’m shattered , I have no more tears and I can’t bear to think of my life running the same circle for the next umpteen years. I’m frightened too that my boys will click on to his boozing and even the drugs as they get older.

I feel your pain – I have no advice I’m sorry but you are strong and you will get past this eventually – sending love and strength xx

[purpleheart]

DaveD thanks for the words I appreciate another view . I know deep down he’s likely to be lying as for someone who did it everyday for god knows how long to just cut it completely – I can’t buy into it .

I’m still watching him and I’ve ended up yet again saying I don’t trust him . He’s come home numerous nights again looking not just right still .. but drinking every night I honestly can’t tell the difference and have asked him to have a night of the drink to see my actual husband without a drop of booze . And then This is how I’m hanging on by a thread during an argument – telling him I want him to take a home drugs test to prove himself .. as I write this I know I sound neurotic . But he’s still deleting the “coke mates “ messages (he doesn’t know I know that ). And every night/morning we have this running nose from hay fever!!

I’m trying to care for my small kids , run a house and keep my job and just basically keeping the front up to the outside world .

I feel like if I take my eye off the ball and let this sink in – it’s going to engulf me and I have no one to talk to.

Bottom line – think I’m just waiting to find the next thing ..

CLB – it’s a hard place where we sit . Sounds so similar . It’s horrendous and I’m sorry your going through this too . Don’t doubt yourself – you have given as much as you can . The rest is up to him and that’s his choice if that’s with or without you as brutal as that sounds .

Wishing you lots of luck and strength x

[purpleheart]

Nicole – try to put yourself forward 4 years – is this distrust maintainable? , can you build a family around this ? It sounds awful and cold – but this is your life and it depends how you want it to go .

I’m having issues of the same it’s dam hard . Sending strength and hugs xxx

[purpleheart]

He swears he hasn’t relapsed by the way .. but this behaviour doesn’t add up to me 🙁

[purpleheart]

So I found out at Xmas my husband was using coke near enough every day in secret for months ( or at least that I knew if) it was around the kids too – one time whilst I was in hospital for 4 days with our youngest is just one example while he had the other child .anyhow it came to a head on Boxing Day ( as prev post ) and I threatened to leave with the kids and he swore to me that was the end of it and he had just had a “ blip” he had been struggling with work and lockdown .

Fast forward 4 months. For a few months all fine then Lockdown has started to lift and he’s meeting his “ coke mates “ again who have no issues with their habits – fine asking as it doesn’t involve my HB. Anyway He’s still drinking every single night ( always has had bit of a taste for drink ) but he seems to spends a lot more nights recently getting properly drunk , the rest a few bottles a night which I keep nagging that it isn’t Normal but he has no issues with it ( he is also on antidepressants can I add ) .

But for the last 6 weeks I’m pretty sure I’ve noted that “ coke “ look I’m pretty sure I have – he eyes are different and he treats me all softly softly – you would think the opposite but he knows better from the previous time I dug until I found facts what he had been doing.

The amount of times I have outted him on a paranoia argument recently – well I’ve lost count , I can’t help but get wound up when he’s gone meeting people who I know will be taking . I’ve become my own worst enemy and have told him what happened at Christmas with the deceit and lies will sit with me for a long time .

I know my marriage cannot continue like this – every day nearly I’m watching him , and I wonder is it the drinking or the coke again?! . I play happy families to my kids and yet I feel alone and am waiting for the next bombshell from him . I’ve lost trust on this aspect – I love him I do – but I have resentment deep down because of what he’s done I can’t se to get past it .

To make things worse there are certain friends who were part of his little secret previously popping up again for “ beers” after work – and he knows I’m suspicious of them – so I thought I’d test him ( horrible I know and I would never do this normally I swear ) but I asked to see his messages from this certain friend since our Xmas bust up . My husband stalled but showed me texts and WhatsApp but surprise all the conversation history is deleted on both – like he’s never spoken to him ever! . So I asked him how often he sees his friend – twice a week and said everything is arranged by phone . Thing is this “friend” previously used to msg my HB arranging the drugs/ drop offs etc.

My husband then stormed out taking the dog out – came back an hour later smelling of booze with the claim he deleted his messages off his friend because he had been asking for drug dealers numbers and wouldn’t like me to see that ?! ….. what am I meant to think or do ?! I’m an angry , suspicious, wife who doesn’t know what to believe of her husband anymore . It’s eating me up … any advice or just to talk appreciated … I can’t tell anyone x

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