[purpleheart]

He swears he hasn’t relapsed by the way .. but this behaviour doesn’t add up to me 🙁

[purpleheart]

So I found out at Xmas my husband was using coke near enough every day in secret for months ( or at least that I knew if) it was around the kids too – one time whilst I was in hospital for 4 days with our youngest is just one example while he had the other child .anyhow it came to a head on Boxing Day ( as prev post ) and I threatened to leave with the kids and he swore to me that was the end of it and he had just had a “ blip” he had been struggling with work and lockdown .

Fast forward 4 months. For a few months all fine then Lockdown has started to lift and he’s meeting his “ coke mates “ again who have no issues with their habits – fine asking as it doesn’t involve my HB. Anyway He’s still drinking every single night ( always has had bit of a taste for drink ) but he seems to spends a lot more nights recently getting properly drunk , the rest a few bottles a night which I keep nagging that it isn’t Normal but he has no issues with it ( he is also on antidepressants can I add ) .

But for the last 6 weeks I’m pretty sure I’ve noted that “ coke “ look I’m pretty sure I have – he eyes are different and he treats me all softly softly – you would think the opposite but he knows better from the previous time I dug until I found facts what he had been doing.

The amount of times I have outted him on a paranoia argument recently – well I’ve lost count , I can’t help but get wound up when he’s gone meeting people who I know will be taking . I’ve become my own worst enemy and have told him what happened at Christmas with the deceit and lies will sit with me for a long time .

I know my marriage cannot continue like this – every day nearly I’m watching him , and I wonder is it the drinking or the coke again?! . I play happy families to my kids and yet I feel alone and am waiting for the next bombshell from him . I’ve lost trust on this aspect – I love him I do – but I have resentment deep down because of what he’s done I can’t se to get past it .

To make things worse there are certain friends who were part of his little secret previously popping up again for “ beers” after work – and he knows I’m suspicious of them – so I thought I’d test him ( horrible I know and I would never do this normally I swear ) but I asked to see his messages from this certain friend since our Xmas bust up . My husband stalled but showed me texts and WhatsApp but surprise all the conversation history is deleted on both – like he’s never spoken to him ever! . So I asked him how often he sees his friend – twice a week and said everything is arranged by phone . Thing is this “friend” previously used to msg my HB arranging the drugs/ drop offs etc.

My husband then stormed out taking the dog out – came back an hour later smelling of booze with the claim he deleted his messages off his friend because he had been asking for drug dealers numbers and wouldn’t like me to see that ?! ….. what am I meant to think or do ?! I’m an angry , suspicious, wife who doesn’t know what to believe of her husband anymore . It’s eating me up … any advice or just to talk appreciated … I can’t tell anyone x

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