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That’s a shame you can’t use groups at present because of timing and distance. I hope your enquiries find you some support.
The excuses he uses are to justify to himself his behaviour which are likely to be causing him all sorts of feelings of shame. But, they are excuses at the end of the day.
My husband is currently saying he’s tried everything ( detox, group program, one to one, psychologist/ psychiatrist) but nothing has worked so he will just have to drink. I could shake him with frustration when I hear him being so defeatist. True, it hasn’t worked the first time but to me that means you have to try again. I keep thinking surely he realise this. Yet I suspect he never will. My own father drank himself to premature death, knowing full well his liver was packing up.
My husband and many other addicts are for some reason not sufficiently motivated by their own health and well-being (or that of their loved ones) to make the difficult changes/sustain the changes in the longer term. Nor can we make them even if we stand on our head turn ourselves inside out in an attempt.
The issue of what he might do if you left is understandable. However an unknown. I think you can be fairly confident about the harm he will do to himself and you if you stay. It’s very difficult to accept but you cannot manage his addiction. I’m not saying you should leave. That has to be your decision. But, I am saying don’t stay on the just in case. I mean, you probably recognise it could easily happen even if you stay!
The situation you describe for you and your daughter sounds very difficult.
My own situation is that I don’t have children to worry about whether they are immediately safe and what impact their fathers behaviour is having one them. This will be for you the most important factor for you to evaluate.
A regular theme appears to be that those of us living with addicts don’t want to leave for all sorts of reasons. I think for an adult living with an addict is damaging but there can be reasons why staying is overall the better option. What you describe does sound very worrying, particularly the way he blames you.
The advice I would give (as does everyone else) is the need to look after yourself and your daughter. That may include staying or leaving. However your daughters welfare must take priority over him. So what if he has to go to his mum etc, he is an adult and can make choices and changes if he is really motivated.
There is no winning. The addict will find all the excuses in the world and look to shift responsibility wherever.
I’m struggling to decide if I can remain with my husband of 30 years. It’s a case of weighing up the pro’s and cons. In the meantime I’m going to attend a local group for family with addicts and do more activities on my own. He is not going to change so I will have to ( or become ill with stress) if I stay long term.
I think you would be very well advised to get some support from an addiction service who will be able to provide you support while you make decisions for you and your daughter.
I very sorry to read about your situation. Thank you for sharing. It’s helped me reading what you posted as it reminds me that so many people are so badly affected by ‘demon’ drink.
Reaching out to people who have experienced very similar difficulties is recognised as a way of helping and is my reason for joining this forum today.
With the exception that my husband is not dead (albeit not living a very full life) I would echo everything you say. My husband is a lovely man when not drinking. I miss that man very much. Unfortunately that man is now almost totally consumed by alcohol. Instead, he suffers from depression and anxiety, who loathes himself and is not coping at all.
I have finally decided I can’t cope living with him any more. So here I am in my late 50’s, sat crying in my mother’s house.
I’ve tried everything, and he has had professional help. But, he has given up on having help and pretty much given up on himself. I’m extremely worried without my presence his drinking will escalate but I couldn’t stop him when I was with him.
I would love it if my leaving my husband was sufficiently motivating to make lasting changes, but l would just be kidding myself.
Sorry, have gone on about me rather than responding to you.
Your grief will be understandably mixed up and confusing. I think that you feeling angry is a normal response. It’s just anger can feel at times all consuming and a bit frightening. In time, but not immediately that feeling will lessen, I’m sure.
When someone has addictions that doesn’t mean mean that they can’t love deeply and meaningfully. however the addiction for some people is the more powerful. Not sure there are any reasons why and it seems unfair.
I hope you have found the forum helpful and you are also getting support at home