[sam0918]

Oh no I’m constantly breathing and trying to ignore him and I don’t have a boyfriend on the side and I say the same thing you said to your ex I’m so they’re going and I say it to him I said if I had a boyfriend on the side I wouldn’t be here I wouldn’t be tolerating you and dealing with your s*** and he just doesn’t get it in it’ll get so bad to wear heels Forum upstairs and I won’t fall and I’ll stay down here with my daughter and I’ll be playing with her and he’ll come down here and intensely start trying to cause another fight and I’m one of those I will remove myself in the situation he got mad because I was showing too much caring and constantly trying to ask him where he’s going and what he’s doing he told me I wasn’t his mother to stop and then when I freaking stop and I showed no emotion and I don’t do anything and I don’t care and I ignoring he gets mad over that I said you can’t have it both ways to pick what you want I said cuz at this point it’s getting to where I don’t give two shifts what you do you’re lucky I don’t have a boyfriend on the side because I wouldn’t be here and he just doesn’t get it and it’s it’s insane and then he goes it’s not the cocaine that’s making me paranoid I just don’t trust you I haven’t done anything known to earn your trust I don’t have friends I don’t have social media and it’s because it’s ex-wife he hasn’t been with and like 12 years cheated on him

[sam0918]

You should read up on codependency that’s exactly what we basically have them or spouses of addicts I read it and it definitely fits me to a tee and it’s a hard cycle to break

[sam0918]

The problem is they are strangers they’ve done it for so long that they don’t know how to function in normal society they feel awkward or they feel like they need to have this to be able to socially interact with someone it’s basically their new drive and desire and they’re only way that they feel like they can be out in public and be normal and funny and have any type of relationship with other people and it is it’s basically like a dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde scenario with them and then they don’t consider the feelings that they’re affecting on family members and spouses and when they do try to say something they get mad because they’re being faced with the truth and then they take it out on the family member saying if they don’t like it get out if they can’t handle it then leave and then they get mad because a person’s like we’ll find screw it

[sam0918]

Honestly I think they end up saying you’re sorry because they’re sorry they got caught according to my fiance he says that he does it because he feels like s*** and that he has low self-esteem and then the drugs make him haven’t even lower self-esteem is counterproductive is just like him taking testosterone to try to build up his muscle mass because he has low testosterone he has a horrible thyroid yet he’s doing cocaine which makes him not eat so it’s all counterproductive it makes no sense to me whatsoever and he tries to validate it sometimes it’ll be like oh well they just gave it to me I didn’t spend any money so I’m going to do it and then heat goes will you get mad if I do it you know I’m going to be mad and you know you’re going to do it no matter what so why bother asking and in his mind right now he hasn’t done it since Saturday so I should believe that he’s done I’m so sorry that you have to deal with that it’s depressing and it’s sad but we’re here for you

[sam0918]

Yeah that’s the gist of it I think they do it at night when everybody sleeping because then they don’t have to feel guilty for doing it used to be where he didn’t care when he did it he would ignore his daughter when she came over when she was like 14 it’s been 2 hours in our bathroom where no one could use the bathroom because he was too busy getting high to wear now she rarely even comes over because she just doesn’t want to be here and now he doesn’t in our basement I don’t think there’s ever been a house that we’ve moved into each year that he hasn’t done something and he’s constantly said oh things are going to be different it’s going to be this it’s going to be that part of me wants to believe in the other part of me goes yeah freaking right like why should I and then he gets mad because he read this and it shows that I’m at my breaking point and he goes well can feel that way just get the hell out I’ll find someone who can meet money and then he gets mad because I pack up my s*** and I threaten to leave if she’s getting too much

[sam0918]

It definitely sucks when they’re functionable addicts it’s the hardest part because you can’t be mad they’re holding down a job but then they’re spending the money that they’re earning I so totally get that that’s what mine does he’s functioning he has a decent job he’s lucky cuz right now because of the coronavirus he still has a job but he gets mad because now I’m paranoid that he’s going to go ballistic because his hours are getting cut he’s getting bored and he can’t sit at home for more than that without freaking out like he has to constantly be doing something and he even said that the out the last hour while he’s at work as when is the hardest for him not to want to go get high or getting drunk because he doesn’t want to be home it hurts and it’s a painful process I mean at least yours lets you take over the credit cards and everything else he’s always told me oh I’ll let you do the bills I’ll give you the money and then he gives it to me for like 2 days and then he goes now I’m going to take it back because you’re going to leave but I definitely get the whole they think that you’re cheating on them when you don’t literally do anything your life revolves around your family and your kids and taking care of them I mean it’s gotten so bad I make sure that he knows when I’m taking a bath or shower so he can’t sit there and say I’m I cheated on him so I’m cleaning the scent of the other person off of me it gets ridiculous at this point I love him I want to help him I have my degree in Psychology I understand psychologically what he’s going through but there’s a large part of my brain that says why are you doing this you already said that you hate it that you don’t like how it makes you paranoid you don’t like how it makes you feel then why do it and the fighting is just getting ridiculous I mean it’s like everyday now for like the last 2 weeks and I know it’s going to get worse

[sam0918]

Not going to lie today I was kind of sucked he actually got up with her last night because we agree to having sex every other night that we he learns control and I can get nice where I can sleep and get a break well he got up with her last night because it was a non-sex night and he got mad when he woke up this morning cuz he fell asleep in her room and swore up and down I was on my phone last night instead of sleeping when I never even touched my I thought I thought he took it to with him to take care of her when apparently was on the nightstand all night didn’t even know it and he’s telling me I was a liar and then I was up all night he’s across like literally 5 feet away from in and around and he’s telling me I was on it all night when I didn’t even touched it and never went off I didn’t do anything I slept and then he got pissed because we were having a decent night last night he played with my hair and in my mind you can cuddle in bed without having sex according to him I grabbed him in the middle of the night and he got pissed because we didn’t have sec I don’t remember any of that I believe you can freaking cuddle in bed without having sex and he got mad and now he’s at work and he saying that I can call my boyfriend and tell him to come over and he’ll let me know when he leaves for lunch when I’m sitting here playing with her daughter because she’s got a doll house and block and on here I can’t even talk to my mom about this and she’s been the relationship because my biological father was the same way except he didn’t do drugs he was just very aggressive and ownership like and he just sent me a text message and it didn’t say delivered said delivered it didn’t say read and I got at the same time he sent a text saying will what does it say delivered I got it up Sim X how to screenshot it to prove to him that I got both of his messages at the same time and that there was no leeway it’s ridiculous and he’ll go through my messages and through my phone history to make sure everything adds up

[sam0918]

hope u are stayi g safe as well and i check on here every now and then so of you need anything even to vent i will read

[sam0918]

I have a degree in psychology and i find it funny bc i am great at giving other people advise just nit myself to a point. I always try to practice positivity. I too just came across this website yesterday and it was found at a time when i truly needed it. Glad i was a ble to help a bit.

We are okay here just suoer paranoid on my end with it. My county in pa just went from no cases to 13 and 2 deaths in a week. So i have my family on house arrest unless to the store once a week. Especially be and my toddler. I get sick super fast and easy so i am like wishing for a bubble

[sam0918]

You are allowed to be angry. His choice effect you as much as himself. I am there with you i go through so many emotions and been through so much in life that at times i feel like i am i. My 50s and have been told that on many occasions yet only turni g 30 in july. I was in therapy as a teen and i never u derstood why she said that happiness is what you make it. 15 years later and 2 kids i get it. If the worls is falling down around you look at the things you do have. Family and loved ones , food, friends if you havr some. House a job clothes and that you wake up every morning. Many people don’t have that especially during these dark times. I am a firm believer that even if your having a shitty day smile at people bc you dont k ow if tjey are having a worse day and more often then not a friendly smile can mean the world to someone. There is a show on netflix called 100 people and they did an experiment about happiness. And apparently psychologically you can make yourself a little bit happier if smile. The muscles in your face help trick your mind i to assuming your happy and release endorphins. So even if your hurting and u want to cry or scream take time to evaluate those fwelings. Feel them and then smile at the blessings you do have

[sam0918]

I swear its the same he owed a lot of money years ago thar my last college tuition check went to pay them off and i didn’t know until he overdosed and he told me. He has thankfully been able to hold jobs down but bills go without getti g paid and shut off notices come or eviction notices and like your spouse, he will do good for awhile and then he runs i to someone or they reach him of his fb and he goes down the rabbit hole. I mean its gotten so bad that bc the president is sendo g mo ey to families he is paranoid i am gonna use the mo ey and leave. Its also at the point where he wants me to take a lie detector test when thhe stay home order ends. O said fine and he still goes i am gonna leave him before it happens and talks about how i am full of shit and that i will not pass. O said i am so confident i will pay with my own money that is coming. Like i have had no social media since 2014 bc he didnt like me havi g it and guys would friend me o. It and i would vent every now and them about him. So i got rid of it all. He swears i still have a secrete one and that i talk to my sons father bc when it’s time to get my son he’ll tell me oh what time do you want to get the and I’ll say whatever time and then magically my ex-husband will text him supposedly when he’s at work on his lunch break and say hey what time do you want to get D and he thinks that I’m texting his dad’s or his dad’s texting his phone his dad had no idea what my number is my son has no idea what my number is they know his number and then like last Friday we were supposed to get my son this weekend his dad never text me to see what time it is and he said that I had their text him and told him that we weren’t getting up because of this pandemic I said no and then he texted him and my son’s father goes oh I was at my aunt and uncle’s I lost track of time he didn’t believe me I’m sending the kids haven’t been in school for two weeks if you’re stuck at home or you’re taking care of someone and you’re they’re usually at school and they’re not and you lose count of what day it is but he swore up and down for like 24 hours that I was going behind is that talking to my son’s father I don’t go backwards his father night and did because we couldn’t work but things like that like the minor things like I’ll be texting my mom and she doesn’t text me back for a few hours because she’s dealing with my younger sisters who were 15 and 11 and she’s also babysitting and everything else for a lady who has to work during the pandemic and he’ll be like oh who are you texting or he thinks that I have a secret text message person and he goes through my phone like constantly emails my pictures I have nothing to hide I don’t talk to anyone on not supposed to talk to you I have no friends because even though I always got along with boys and guys in general as I was younger because a lot of the teenage girls were drama in the boys wasn’t he didn’t like that so I dropped all my friends I sit at home I crochet I watch TV and I take care of our two year old Dan and Daya I told you been for the last 2 years and he says oh you have to be doing something you have to do this you have to do that I said fine I’m taking a lie detector test I can’t handle it anymore if it’s that bad to where he’s constantly thinking that and it gets a horrible when he’s on his cracker cocaine that’s why I’m wondering if it’s like a side effect that a lot of women are seeing is do their husbands honestly think that

[sam0918]

Yes, my husband was getting them from dr. As well as doing heroine 5 yrs ago. He would zone out and practically drool o. Himself. He would even get them off his ex wife. I mean it was awful even his daughter who was 11 turning 12 at the time would know. I have never been the parent who after a certain age told my kids the truth so i told her thats what drugs do. He stop xanax but he still does drugs. Thankfully no more heroine bc of the epademic of the elephant tranquilizer that was being put in them but he still does crack. Xanax is dangerous and shouldnt be messed with if not medically prescribed

[sam0918]

Thank you i needed that. He saw that i was on here and didn’t like what i posted but i told him i needed a safe place to be able to rant and feel the emotions i need to feel that i cant show him bc he wouldn’t like them. I need this because he does still have a job when millions of others don’t. Though of he ever gets drug tested he is screwed at the moment. I also told him i need tot ake care of me. Its been 8 years of not venting , not havi g anyone understand what i feel. Finding this site was a God Send

[sam0918]

I’m right there with you this quarantine has me paranoid and worried my husband already struggles with addiction from sex alcohol and drugs he had is one of those jobs where he can still work because the government allows it but the hours are getting caught and scrub Miss can’t handle being alone or two years when she cries by The Temper Tantrum he loses it he can’t handle it and now I’m afraid with this happening but he’s going to start doing it even more and get mad at me and make me feel bad because I’m not either having sex with him or a mad because he’s doing drugs or drinking you’re not alone it’s a scary time right now in all ways

[sam0918]

You are so not alone. When i met my husband he was sober. He was o. Medication to help with opioid addiction. Then within a year he was doing heroin. He lost a job and we had to move. We have been doing the same dance for 7 years now. We never stayed at a rental more then a year. Luckly i was i. College and getting checks to pay for yhe moves. He stopped heroin 3 years ago but the switched to cocain. He stops eb

Very now and then can go a month but then he swaps that for beer and if he doesnt get those its sex. I feel underappreciated when i do what i can to help. We have a 2 year old he complai s about not have sex all the time now bc she refuses to sleep through the night. Even high he wants sex. He gets mad when he has to watch porn. I mean i tried to compro.ise and have sex mon. Wens.. Fri and everyother weekend. It wasnt enough he cant even settle for every other day and he just got off a bender of coke and beer over the weekend. I am lost.. So you are not alone

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