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Yes I completely agree thats why none of my family know because they would just tell me to leave but fact is I love him and I hate the fact I do, I was the one who chose him to be the father of my children which I also hate myself for although he does treat them well. You say most of his family are addicts but with my partner none of his immediate family are so I am not sure whether it makes a difference or not but I think if I was brought up in that situation it would make me more determined not to be like them but maybe thats a selfish way to look at it I dunno. I was the same always on the hunt trying to catch him out constantly sniffing round the rooms he had been in. Its alot easier him not living here anymore I can be at ease when I get home and know that nothing will be found and the relief of that is unbelievable. I always said if my daughter was in the same situation I would tell her to run a mile I dont want this life for her. X

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Well he is on about week 8 of being clean but yet its no easier for me not even sure whether I am 100% convinced he is clean I am constantly paranoid almost obsessed with what he is doing, how long it takes him and I have even stooped so low to checking his phone. I cannot stand the sight of kitchen foil i have’nt bought any for about 5 years. You see with addicts there is always an excuse but fact is they are selfish and only ever put that horrid drug first. Just the word gets stuck in my throat I feel like I have been to hell and back i have bad chest pains and anxiety attacks its crazy because i was once really happy.
He wonders why I cannot trust him thing is I resent him for getting help while I get nothing the only thing that helps is this site knowing I am not alone. I have told him that if he messes up I will have nothing more to do with him and neither will the children I have to protect them and just hope one day when they are older they will understand.

He blamed his old friends for his addiction and I did too at one point but fact is he had a choice its just a shame no one gave me one, I too was in denial in the begining and by the time I realised I was head over heels for him and thought I could save him that was 15yrs ago fact is only they can save themselves.

Take care x

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The lies oh my god the lies and then comes the constant mental torture whats he doing, does’nt take that long to get to shops and back, hes been too long whats he doing in toilet, its like baby sitting someone elses child scared they are going to fall and bang their heads it just never stops the constant wondering the constant questioning yourself when you know deep down whats happening. Thats my life day in day out and its exhausting not to mention looking after two kids but after all I am super women so he thinks but really I am just broken I am just an expert at putting on a front. Heroin is devil n I do believe in them having a choice in putting that rubbish in their body but to them they don’t you have two paths a right one and a wrong one. Take care x

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Hey kelly hope your ok speak to you soon xx

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I am the exact same if I could see a future with someone else I would’nt be doing this either I just dont want to feel paranoid anymore but at same time I cannot let go. Time is also something I don’t want to waste on a man thats just going to hurt me again n again and like you said its the fear of never finding happiness again with someone else or even to trust someone else. I picked him up other day n he looked like a tramp off street whereas I tried to make an effort with make up etc yet he can turn up looking like that I told him aswel n his mum said we shouldn’t get on his case cus it doesn’t make him feel good and I felt like punching her told her straight there is no need for him to look like that I am one that has two other kids to look after he jus has to look after hiself n he cannot even do that. I just dunno anymore I dont wanna argue with him and at the same time I cannot help it like I say dog wiv a bone I even think just let it go but I can’t cus I need him to feel the hurt I do.

Thank you for just understanding. Xx

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Hi, had a visit today ended badly once again and its me I cannot let go of the past I hurt so bad and feel like a dog with a bone. Deep down I resent him I resent him for getting help with his mind and moving forward when I am stuck in the past and I resent him for not understanding how I feel. I hate myself for loving him for chosing him for my children and for putting up with his shit for so long. I am so confused about the way I feel at the moment when hes not here I miss him and when he is I want him gone he says I confuse him aswel which I probably do but I just cannot help it. I dont know whether these feelings are normal or if I am just constantly over reacting over the least little thing. I am just so confused am I with him because I know no different or is it because I love him that I am clinging on to all I can I just dont know how do you tell? Confused confused confused. X

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Hi I agree its alot better now eldest back at school and routine is back to normal. Sorry hes still a nob but if its any consolation so is mine. Why is it they think they can walk in n criticise you for he house being untidy and how you should’nt say certain things in front of the kids I mean come on they can’t be that thick surely really make my blood boil, told him I would like to see how tidy house is if he had em for a week, I could really kill him sometimes, told him to go fuck hiself in the end lol. So no change at this end either little one abit better so managed to get rid of ear plugs lol. Take care matey keep me updated xx

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Hi lv how are you doing today I hope you and kiddies are ok. Xx

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Really he actually said that to you what an absolute nob i cannot believe he can put you through all that shit and then say that to you. how do you feel about what hes said. i got fifty pound but have been reminded several times already today. so have you given him a dead line for the time you are willing to wait i cannot believe he has the cheek to say that to you how selfish can you get. Do you think he wil even bother to see kids. just in shock for you its you that deserves to be happy more then anyone n you wanted to be happy with him n he kicks you in the teeth like that x. i really hope you will be ok and happy whether thats with him or without him. keep intouch love n let me know how u are xx speak soon xx

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thank you n yes been quite nice just spent it wiv kiddies although lil one not well got raging temp think teething so no sleep for me lol. gone of the days of celebration n drinking alcohol xx

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Hi its so nice to hear from you, I am fine thank you I cannot believe he would want to go to pub rather then see his kids but it does’nt suprise me because its all about them being first after all. Its my birthday tomoz so going to treat myself to some bareminerals foundation to hide my tired dull skin from all the stress lol I will just need to put it on with a shovel. Do you think he is seeing someone else surely he would’nt do that but then again they are good at kicking you when your down. Anyway feck em who needs em anyway. Stay strong n keep intouch matey xx

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Hi just wondered how you where getting on, hope your ok. X

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Hi kelly

no change at this end either hes text me saying how much he loves me n hes nothing without me blah blah blah, but I have’nt messaged him back cannot be arsed to be honest. I was thinking of you wondering how your weekend had gone with him and the kids but obviously its just same old same old for the both of us. His mum keeps texting me saying how worried she is about me and the kids being on our own but fact is I am alot less stressed out on my own and thats what I told her aswel.

Speak soon

xxx

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They are unreal. They think they can walk in and criticise you when its you that looks after the kids, the house (the dog) and they have the cheek to tell you to your face your not coping and kids need authority well sorry but kids need someone they can look up to as a father not a drug addict who just pops in a few days a week to make mummys life hell. Its like they dont recognise their part at all the only reason things are the way they are is because of there habbit but they just dont see it they are oblivious to the whole situation. I have got to the point where I am just going to do my own thing and not contact or see him at all I just dont see the point anymore. Its like you said the thought of them being with someone else is unimaginable but at the same time what life do we have. Bet they would gladly move on with no problems while we would have to grieve for ages. Its jus so difficult because like you said its like the relationship is dead but neither of you dare end it for good. Do you think that the kids play a big part because you want so bad to be a family and for them to grow up in a stable environment with a mum and dad. I dunno I suppose only time will tell .

let me know how you get on. Speak soon xx

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Sorry dont know why its on 3 x but at least you can read it over n over lol x

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