[stillhopeful2019]

Hey let me tell u ur not an idiot, ur just someone who wants a good life, normal as we put it and u have every right. I have friends and family who live sober lives and when I think how my life compared with them, I realise it was not healthy, it was not ok and realise now how tiring it was, constantly walking on eggshells, my anxiety levels were sky high but I never realised this. I tried to put up with it for 13 years but in the end, I couldn’t take it, the lies, the stress and had to leave. You do what u think is right for u and if that means random drug tests then so be it. There is no sugar coating this, addiction wrecks lives. I really hope it all works out for u and he seeks help. I dont know if my husband can do this with willpower alone but like I say he has finally asked for professional help via counselling, and that’s a big step for him as he never thought he had a problem. Talk to ur husband and tell him ur worried about ur future, explain how u feel. He most likely will try to brush it off as no big deal and try to make it out he has it under control but let me tell u from experience, or 13 years experience should I say, that addicts will lie. They are not bad people, addiction is a brain disease and when they get that craving, they generally give in but if they work on their thoughts feelings and behaviour, there is a chance they can overcome those urges. Mine is still work in progress so I cant say for sure whether they can cure their addiction without proper professional help. Just remember ur not alone, there is a wealth of information out there, since I joined various forums I have to say I feel a little less anxious, theres some really good advice out there. It is hard as we do love them but we have to be careful we dont wear ourselves down by forgetting to love ourselves x

[stillhopeful2019]

No worries, this is a brilliant forum, so glad I found it makes u realise ur not alone. All I will say is put ur foot down from the start cos the more u let them get away with things, the harder it gets and u start doubting urself. Also focus on urself, dont let their addiction decide how life should be, i.e. I recall not attending important functions because he was intoxicated but now I realise I should have attended without him but i was also embarrassed and didnt want to have to explain why he wasnt there. I have learnt so much by removing myself and my kids from that environment. Addiction is a selfish disease but I hope and pray we all come out better from this x

[stillhopeful2019]

Hey, I am also married to someone who abused alcohol, cocaine and marijuana. I walked out 5 months ago as I couldn’t take it anymore, I tried to deal with it for 13 years but decided enough is enough and left with my kids. As it is early stage for u, do u think u would like to give him a chance to stop the drugs and if he still carries on, then u can choose what u feel u need to do. I only say this as I sometimes wish I left much sooner. The cycle of relapse, apologies, broken promises went on and on for so long, I was so tired at the end, i no longer believed anything he said and that’s not a nice way to live. We also struggled financially, kids missed out on dad time. He wants to make up for it and I do pray he changes but I have read all about addiction and I have to say, I’m not getting my hopes up. Like you said, this is a habit he restarted after all these years same with my husband and thats what scares me cos addiction is a life changer and the success rates for staying sober, clean is pretty low from what I have read. But u never know. Plus my husband has finally asked for help plus he is doing some CBT stuff at home which explores the habit, why he does it, advantages, disadvantages, etc hopefully might make him think a bit more about it, this is not something he has ever done. Anyways just wanted to say you’re not alone and only you know how much you can/want to put up with. Sorry not much advice as I am still in the situation because I dont want to divorce him, I really do love him and he is my best friend but only when sober. But i am also waiting for his next relapse, so far he has been clean and sober for 2 weeks, 3 weeks was his longest. I hate it cos whenever i see him, i try to work out if he has used and that again is no way to live.

[stillhopeful2019]

Hey, just wanted to say you’re not alone. I left my husband of 13 years a few months ago. I left with my two young children. I was hoping this would be the wake up call he needs but still he hasnt asked for any help and relapsed many times, more recently this weekend. I decided enough was enough when I realised this is not what life is about. Yes I love him, yes it hurts me to think he is going through this but I realise one thing, until they get help, we are powerless. All the threats and ultimatums in the world will not stop them using. I dont think they enjoy it but they are addicts. Our minds dont work like theirs. They have to want to change. But one thing I realised, that life was not good for me or my kids, the unpredictable behaviour, the broken promises, the financial strain, honestly I just one day had enough and realised this is not life! I was hoping leaving him would make him realise what he has got to lose but still, he hasnt got professional help. He thinks he can do it himself, decided to turn to god but that doesnt last long. I have no doubt he doesnt want to be like this but he has to realise that until he gets professional help, he will most likely not be able to fight this alone. He uses alcohol and cocaine most weekends, he works during the week but come Friday, he finishes work and cant help it, he gets his stuff and then gets high. I am so glad I left, my kids seem more relaxed, we have a good support network. I have told him that until he gets professional help, he can kiss goodbye to any chance of us being together. All I can say is, you will realise when enough is enough, when your so mentally, emotionally, physically and financially drained that u cant carry on. I feel free now, able to make choices based on our needs and not worry about him messing things up again. Seriously 13 years of weekend use is a staggering amount of time and he seriously thinks he can control it himself, erm nah dont think so but I have left him to his own devices. I was hoping we could be a family again but I am highly doubtful and I have reduced contact significantly since his relapse last weekend. Just like you, I stood by him but eventually realised he is a broken record and surely life is for living. YOLO!!

[stillhopeful2019]

He has cheated on me previously and has sworn never again, I half heartedly believe him but as I never imagined he would cheat on me in the first place, I dont believe he wouldn’t do it again. I think I am getting to a point where I have had enough and need to let him and his drama go. Lifes got to be better than living like this, questioning someone 24/7, doubting them, wondering if they are using. YOLO

[stillhopeful2019]

Yes tmi lol

[stillhopeful2019]

I think I need to change my username to lostallhope. It’s been 3 months and he doesnt seem to be doing enough to show he wants to overcome this addiction. He still hasnt sought help and still going down the “I can do this myself” road. And in between having relapses and spending silly money. I think I have to let him go for all our sakes. Gutted cos I thought we had something but his reluctancy to change is what is going to end our 13 years of marriage. But I will look after my children and give them a good future, dont need his bs around us

[stillhopeful2019]

I have a question, when my husband would take cocaine and/or alcohol, I noticed he wouldnt be on whatsapp much, otherwise his last seen would be 5 min ago, 10 min ago, etc but when high, his last seen would be hours ago. Whats that about? Appreciate they high but for someone who is always on the phone, seems a little odd especially when he was able to answer the phone and have a normal(ish) conversation which indicates he wasnt totally out of it.

[stillhopeful2019]

Anyone?

[stillhopeful2019]

Hi rani123. I have left my husband of 13 years. We have 2 children. He was drinking regularly and more recently started taking cocaine and smoking weed. He kept letting us down. He spent money we didnt have and we are overdrawn. He wasnt working properly. A few hours here and there. He tried to control it but every friday and/or saturday, u could almost guarantee he would go out with his friends and stay out late, come back out of it and then disturb us. I finally had enough and have left him but said if he gets help then he can join us. It’s been 8 weeks now and he still hasnt reached out for help. Says he will but drags it on. He has had a few relapses too. I have given him a year, if no change/ improvement then its divorce for us. Jus wanted to say thanks for sharing, not a nice thing to be going through. Having kids in the situation does make things harder but I have learnt boundaries are so important otherwise they carry on taking advantage.

[stillhopeful2019]

Thanks owlyh x I did sense genuine remorse when my husband was sober and apologetic but it soon meant nothing when he would go out and do the same thing again. I never wrote things down, wish I had as when I am feeling down and sorry for him, I will remember times when things happened cos he was under the influence and my feelings of sorrow are replaced with anger and resentment. Honestly I thought I got off the roller coaster when I left but I feel like I am still on it.

[stillhopeful2019]

Dfh thank u. It certainly helps to know I’m not the only one. The difficulty i guess is the not knowing what is going to happen. I feel lost and sometimes half the person I was, a bit like I have lost a limb. But you’re right, we didnt choose this and I feel for my kids as I never expected they would have to grow up in this kind of environment, least of all they would witness their parents split up. I do hope and pray its not permanent but it isnt looking good at the moment. Anyhow I decided I needed to do this for my children more than myself and I certainly wont be returning. If he wants to join us, he has to prove he has sought help and is no longer an addict. I am so glad I found this forum and plan to use it as much as I can. I am also going to look into al anon meetings, from what I have read, they can really help with trying to make sense of this difficult situation. And thank u, I will definitely take u up on the offer of an ear. Friends and family try to offer their support but they dont really understand what it’s like, not like us so same goes to u, I am happy to be there for u toowhenever u need to vent or share anything. Take care and i wish us both the best outcome whatever that may be x

[stillhopeful2019]

Hi, I am in a very similar situation. I have had 13 years of promises to stop: the birth of our second child, when he turns 40, after several new years and yet here we are and although he is not using as much as he used to, the fact is he still uses despite trying to convince me that he has it under control. Then after a while maybe a month or two he will go on full blown binges, alcohol cocaine weed the lot and spend ridiculous amounts of money which we haven’t got. When he hits a low, he will admit he cant control it but then when I suggest he gets professional help, he says he will and then eventually says it’s ok I can control it. He is in such denial and sometimes I think deep down he doesnt want to stop or at least that’s how it seems. I have walked out on him and gone to my parents with my children. Despite it now being about 7 weeks, he still hasnt seeked help and everytime we talk he blames me for him feeling down and lost without us around. He days he cant do it alone but then I have to remind him he couldn’t do it when we there either? I need to stop feeling sorry for him but how??

[stillhopeful2019]

Hey thanks for responding. My husband tried to cut down but he would slowly build it back up again to a massive binge which would usually end with a massive argument, I have called the police on him a few times as he started to get aggressive, he has never hit me but I was scared it was getting to that point as he seemed out of control. When I think back and remember the bad times, I am glad I left and I realise I need to stay away but when I miss him, I start feeling sad for what we had. I mean i spent 13 years of my life with this man, we have 2 children, our social circle was there, we had a home. But then I quickly stop myself and remind myself of the times when he spent all our money, when he got aggressive, when he broke promises. And then I start feeling angry again. I keep going round and round in circles. Missing him then hating him. I have told him many times he needs professional help, I just hope he finally sees sense and reaches out. I know this cant continue, I need to move on with my life for the sake of myself and my kids. I cry and wish I wasnt going through this, it’s the most difficult thing ever.

[stillhopeful2019]

Hi Bertie. I posted something earlier but no one has replied ???? I am in a similar situation, my husband is my soulmate and deep down I know he doesnt want to be like this but his addiction is stronger than he thinks. He has tried to give it up by himself many times but he always relapses. My family want me to take the harsh approach and cut all contact with him to help him realise what he could lose but I cant seem to settle with that and find myself still trying to be there for him. I have moved out and have no intention of going back. I have told him he has a year to prove himself after which he can join us. I see he is trying but my friends and family disagree. Thing is I have a very close relationship with him and he tells me things which my family dont know about. When I try to explain to them how I feel he is making improvements they quickly knock that down and say sorry we dont believe he is trying hard enough. But I see the struggle he faces and want nothing more than to help him find the resources which can assist him. That’s all I can do, help guide him but ultimately I know he has to seek the help he needs. My family and friends are just looking out for me so I cant knock that but I just cant bring myself to put my foot down when I can clearly see he is upset as he feels abandoned. He acknowledges he needs to change and I wish I could be there to support him but will stay away and let him find his own way but be there for him to turn to whenever he needs me. Is there really anything wrong with that?

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